Guest guest Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hi Kazam I am horrible at boundaries in all directions, with everybody. Probably because I was never taught or honored enough to have boundaries. My stories around this are endless; it is excruciatingly hard for me to have them/set them, enforce them. ~patricia Anxiety with others Hi All, Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. Kazam x ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 seconded. i hate confronting people and ussually let friends walk all over me rather than stand up for myself. I hate conflict. The other day i was getting fitted for a suit for a friends wedding and my other friend was giving the salesguy ahrd time for leaving us standing around for a while...i was so embarrassed. i dont stand up for mtself unless i'm so mad i explode and that almost never happens. im so afraid of dissapointing people. interestingly i have amuch harder time being emotionally honest with men than women. my mom has bpd and she kicked my dad out when i was 6 and brought a different guy in...a few years later another one...then a few years later another one which she married, had 2 kids with, and then proceeded to try to leave, which i talked her out of. starting from about the age i was toilet trained i was hit, pinched, shoved, slapped, had my hair pulled...belittled, made fun of, screamed at. Later i got to watch my siblings go through the same thing. If i showered too long i was dragged out of the shower by my hair. the last time she atacked me physically was when i had abroken leg in high school. she actually struck the leg that had just had surgery b/c i wasn;t getting out of bed fast enough. I've been depressed my whole life. I finally realized she has BPD when I dated awoman who had it. I thought this woman loved me, then i found out she was still living with another man. The pattern was exactly the same-lying, manipulation gift giving...getting you to depend on them so thay can control you. Glen > > Hi Kazam > I am horrible at boundaries in all directions, with everybody. > Probably because I was never taught or honored enough to have boundaries. > My stories around this are endless; it is excruciatingly hard for me to > have them/set them, enforce them. > > ~patricia > Anxiety with others > > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hi Kazam Dealing with staff continues to be a struggle for me as well but it is one I believe I am winning. I am relaxed in many things with my staff but there are some things I don't let fly. Because my business is sales related I pick my battles based on what will increase them. For instance, not assisting customers on a regular basis will get you a warning, continueing not to will get you fired. I spend most of my sales meetings on sales skills, not beating people up for little crap. They can take breaks when ever they want. Go next door for coffee when ever they want. Bull shit when ever they want PROVIDED that they are getting the work done. If it isn't busy and they are sitting around talking I don't have an issue with it PROVIDED they are getting it done but if I see that they are talking more than working I remind them that they have to get the work done. It can get pretty quiet in there when I do that! I find I am uncomfortable after setting the boundary but I am more uncomfortable being taken advantage of and even more uncomfortable with my business not suceeding. Anyway, I keep what's good for the business in mind and that helps me setting the boundaries. > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Practice, practice, practice. I started with noticing little things I did that were technically being " assertive " and " speaking up for myself. " Asking to " hold the cheese " and not apologizing for my dietary restrictions was a start--er, noticing that I did that. Then I " challenged " myself to ask the pharmacist a question, then the bus driver of a bus I wasn't getting on, etc. I moved on to playing a more active role in my treatment plan at the ED clinic when they made decisions that I found detrimental to my treatment. I challenged a decision the academic dean's made about my graduation date (I want to graduate a full year early, but they've only approved me for a semester because no one has ever graduated a year early from our college before, and there's no protocol for them to follow). When I had to go back to the ED clinic full-time, I told my professors/bosses rather than asked them. I'm working on personal boundaries. I set clear calling times with my formerly estranged father. I'm working on the clear boundaries with my formerly estranged grandmother (timing makes it hard to have set calling guidelines... I should email her). I'm working on saying " no " to friends or asking for alone time. Etc... My advice is to notice the ways in which you *do* stand up for yourself, and build courage/credit/validation from those. When you feel ready, challenge yourself! Essentially this is a mix of practice and desensitization. I have a ridiculous amount of anxiety, and panic attack are common. I've definitely had to take my panic medicine before or after some of the challenges, but that's ok: it's new and hard, but it gets easier as you get used to it. Good luck! -Frances > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Kazam, Sigh. I know how you feel. (I find myself saying that a lot on this board! LOL!) I am the same way. It is a process, learning to say what I mean and not what I think others want me to say. It's hard to have an adult voice now when we weren't allowed to have a voice as children; stating our opinion was met either with indifference or having it vehemently stomped down. I find I'm like this more with men and people in authority, like a higher up -- people I want to like me (I don't mean sexually; I mean, people who remind me of my father's authority, who I want to be happy with me and praise me). I think it's good that we're aware of it, that we're doing it. Like you said, it'll take baby steps, but we will get to the place where we can say something without fear of being rejected or abandoned. We deserve to be happy!! Fiona > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 The funny thing is that when I feel strongly about something I can say it straight out and in an assertive manner. It seems to be the little stuff like asking one of the girls to do an extra shift or not wearing perfume that gets up my nose. I am always wondering if I am putting them out. Anxious about waiting for their reactions. The other day I made a decision at work and called a girl to do more hours for me after not being able to reach the first girl I called. When the other girl rang back that night after I left a message for her to ring me before 1.00pm. I said it is ok that I got someone else, she had a go at me about it. My anxiety was terrible. I felt bullied in my own business. The funny thing is her shift wasn't changed that day I just needed her to do more hours. When she rang to confront me about it I was busy and said I would call her back when I could talk. I left the phone shaking and had to breathe through the whole thing to be able to call her back and be the BOSS. In the end I said what I needed to but I hated how I reacted before the event. I am just hoping the anxiety will get better with practice. I am only noticing it in my business lately because it has taken so long to find good staff and it is the fear of abandonment I suppose that I have. This feels like a repeat of Nada. Putting up with everything and shutting my mouth because of abandonment. Surprise surprise when I did face Nada she did abandon me. Hence NC now. It is her terms or nothing. I know this is why I am having the same problem. If I speak up to my staff about something I am not happy with they might leave. I have spent 2 years getting the right girls. They are very strong willed and confident at their jobs. I just have the challenge of being their boss. I too let them sit when not busy and feel I am not demanding. I feel very fair to them and reward them accordingly with higher wages and bonuses. When the work is there they give me 100% and more. I just want to stop this beating myself up and feeling anxiety when I make a decision for the business I feel is necessary. Kazam x > > > > Hi All, > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > Kazam x > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2010 Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 I had responded once but lost it so pardon me if my response shows up twice. Kazam consider this. If you are feeling bullied perhaps you are being bullied. (She rang to confront you. What?!) Maybe the anxiety is coming from not dealing with what your instincts are telling you. For instance, wearing strong perfume in a closed in space is being inconsiderate of others, not just to YOUR liking. Yesterday one of the the newer staff members only did half of a job. At first I had a lot of anxiety over this and then I realized they were being lazy and thought they could get away with it. Once I realized the truth and addressed it the anxiety left me. I guess what I am saying is maybe your anxiety is trying to tell you something real that you need to act on. Maybe it's not all in our heads. > > > > > > Hi All, > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > Kazam x > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2010 Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 Kazam, Wow, sometimes I am still amazed at how many similarities we all have that I thought were " inherent " parts of my personality. I have SUCH an issue with being assertive and during my first therapy session I told her that that was a huge thing I wanted to work on. I don't know if it's the (tons of) therapy, the antidepressants I recently started, or the weather (I have seasonal affective disorder), but I have started to become much more assertive. Like you, it's for small things that I am really entitled to anyway but was always afraid to ask for. I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you but it helps me to have clear steps and items to accomplish to get to my goal. So here are the things that helped me become assertive: 1. ***Setting boundaries with nada: this was the first thing that almost instantly changed my mood. Of course I had the feelings of guilt that we all have but just telling nada that I was only going to talk to her once a week made me feel like I could take control of the situation. It is a very empowering feeling and I think it helped me feel in control of other situations. 2. My therapist suggested with starting off with small items. Like if you and your friends are picking a restaurant, actually suggest ones you like instead of saying it doesn't matter. While doing this, I realized that even if it really doesn't matter to me, I feel empowered and better about myself if I voice an opinion. 3. Deleting contacts: I had many contacts in my phone of people who I didn't get along with but for some reason kept their information. I think I partly kept their info so I knew who was texting but then I realized, if I don't really like them, why am I responding anyways? I went through my address book and deleted all of these people. It was a really good feeling to take control of that situation in a private way. 4. " Unfriending " people on facebook: After I deleted those contacts I turned to facebook. I was friends with several people just because they were friends with my friend, or I thought it would be awkward or hurt their feelings if I hadn't accepted their friendship. I went through my friends and asked myself, do I actively dislike this person? If so....delete! It felt amazing to delete those people and not feel like I owed them my " friendship " . These are small steps but I particularly like steps 3 and 4. Even if you're not feeling up to being more assertive, those two things can be done in private without confrontation and really make you feel good about yourself. Good luck! > > > > Hi All, > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > Kazam x > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2010 Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 I agree with you Carol but the problem being is sometimes I think I might me over-reacting and just too sensitive to things, or taking them the wrong way. The other day one of the girls said " I thought the Saturday workers get preference over the hours " when I gave them to someone else. She has only been there for 4 wks. I wasn't impressed and when I made that clear that the others had been there longer and it is only pemanent hrs the Saturday girls get before the others, she said she was only joking and I took her the wrong way. BPD has made it so hard to figure out what is real and what is not. Second guessing comments and wondering if I my feelings are justified. I do feel bullied and yes I will try to work through these issues. Just amazing how after I moved on from Nada now I am handling the hang-over so to speak in my business life. Like I said practice makes perfect. Just need staff and been going through a few lately thought it might be me. How did your staff member handle it when you spoke to her about her laziness? Kazam x > > > > > > > > Hi All, > > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > > Kazam x > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2010 Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 Wow girl! I own my own business too and I have been told for 15 years that I would be great Social Worker but I suck as a boss. Oh I'm everyones favoite boss because I am soooo nice. I use to get so nervous if I had to correct someones behavior that often times I would just let it go. I hired a Director so that someone else would have to do the dirty work. It really hurt my bottom line, but the kicker is I tied her hands all the time because the girls would come crying to me and would let them off the hook!  I almost never let her fire anyone, and then when some did need to go we would argue over which one of us had to do it. I'm on my own now at work and have to be the bad guy sometimes. I should be more often. Everyone knows that no drama is allowed, no gossip, and no hard feelings. My own little utopia.  Not realistic but I just tell everyone if they don't like someone they still have to be professional and get along at work. It's actually working pretty well and eveyone is relatively happy at work. I have been studing the book " Codependant No More " for the last year and it has helped me a lot when it comes to dealing with conflict and my emotions. I'm getting better at being able to say what I need and not feel bad about it. I understand the anxiety with confrontations. The shaking hands, hot face, sick stomach, unclear thoughts, and the overwhelming urge to get in my car and cry and run away. No way to run a daycare center. I have about 160 parents, and 20 employees that all have issues from one time or the other. Of course I have to try to solve everyones problems and mine be damned. Having very clear policies to fall back on and a very longstanding supportive core staff has really helped.  I delegate things like the scheduling to someone else that has no problem telling people no and giving them crap when they call in for no good reason. It's not something I'm ready to have to deal with, so I let someone do it. Now when they come crying to me about how mean or rude she is I just tell them that's why it's her job and not mine.  Keep working on your weaknesses and let others help you where you can. Find your strength, and know your true responsibilities. If they know you are afraid of losing them they will walk all over you. You have to remember that no one there is expendable except YOU! Subject: Re: Anxiety with others To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, May 26, 2010, 8:25 PM I agree with you Carol but the problem being is sometimes I think I might me over-reacting and just too sensitive to things, or taking them the wrong way. The other day one of the girls said " I thought the Saturday workers get preference over the hours " when I gave them to someone else. She has only been there for 4 wks. I wasn't impressed and when I made that clear that the others had been there longer and it is only pemanent hrs the Saturday girls get before the others, she said she was only joking and I took her the wrong way. BPD has made it so hard to figure out what is real and what is not. Second guessing comments and wondering if I my feelings are justified. I do feel bullied and yes I will try to work through these issues. Just amazing how after I moved on from Nada now I am handling the hang-over so to speak in my business life. Like I said practice makes perfect. Just need staff and been going through a few lately thought it might be me. How did your staff member handle it when you spoke to her about her laziness? Kazam x > > > > > > > > Hi All, > > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > > Kazam x > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. 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Guest guest Posted May 26, 2010 Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 I just posted a reply and I realized after I hit sent that I used the wrong in the last sentence. I said " no one there was expendable except you. "  Of course I meant it the other way around. you are the only one that is not expendable. Oops. Subject: Re: Anxiety with others To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, May 26, 2010, 8:25 PM I agree with you Carol but the problem being is sometimes I think I might me over-reacting and just too sensitive to things, or taking them the wrong way. The other day one of the girls said " I thought the Saturday workers get preference over the hours " when I gave them to someone else. She has only been there for 4 wks. I wasn't impressed and when I made that clear that the others had been there longer and it is only pemanent hrs the Saturday girls get before the others, she said she was only joking and I took her the wrong way. BPD has made it so hard to figure out what is real and what is not. Second guessing comments and wondering if I my feelings are justified. I do feel bullied and yes I will try to work through these issues. Just amazing how after I moved on from Nada now I am handling the hang-over so to speak in my business life. Like I said practice makes perfect. Just need staff and been going through a few lately thought it might be me. How did your staff member handle it when you spoke to her about her laziness? Kazam x > > > > > > > > Hi All, > > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > > Kazam x > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2010 Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 haha Kazam don't you just wish you could say quit being so damn lazy. What I did was explain(again) the procedure and give her the handout (again). She was quiet, kind of acted like she was busted. What I have to pay attention to is red flags that may or may not lead to bad overall behaviors. I'm always forgiving and forgeting too much and in this economy I can't afford to invest too much in someone who isn't going to workout over the long haul. I also made the other leads aware so that they would be watching and correcting similar behavior. (Oh and by the way it is common to say " I was kidding " when you know what you said is out of line. I had a BPD employee say that when she was abusing other staff members.) Trust your instincts! > > > > > > > > > > Hi All, > > > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > > > Kazam x > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2010 Report Share Posted May 27, 2010 Thanks to everyone for posting. It is so wonderful again to get the support and feel like we aren't alone in our challenges of life. It is hard work all this self awareness and growth but it is worth it. Amazing how much BPD has effected our whole personality and spirit. Now I feel I am trying to use my new skills of boundries and assertiveness in my every day life. It's exhausting. I do believe in trusting your instincts. The problem of late is that there will be very few people left in my life if I do that. It is hard in business when you have great workers but their personality and behaviours rub you up the wrong way. Since learning of BPD and other mental health issues it feels like it is a jungle out there. LOL. Kazam x > > > > > > Hi All, > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > Kazam x > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2010 Report Share Posted May 27, 2010 this is really very good advice i think.. tho not always easy to actually do, it will work if you work it!  one step at a time and one foot in front of the other, up the mountain.  (of anxiety)..thanks for sharing. Subject: Re: Anxiety with others To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, May 24, 2010, 4:47 AM  Practice, practice, practice. I started with noticing little things I did that were technically being " assertive " and " speaking up for myself. " Asking to " hold the cheese " and not apologizing for my dietary restrictions was a start--er, noticing that I did that. Then I " challenged " myself to ask the pharmacist a question, then the bus driver of a bus I wasn't getting on, etc. I moved on to playing a more active role in my treatment plan at the ED clinic when they made decisions that I found detrimental to my treatment. I challenged a decision the academic dean's made about my graduation date (I want to graduate a full year early, but they've only approved me for a semester because no one has ever graduated a year early from our college before, and there's no protocol for them to follow). When I had to go back to the ED clinic full-time, I told my professors/bosses rather than asked them. I'm working on personal boundaries. I set clear calling times with my formerly estranged father. I'm working on the clear boundaries with my formerly estranged grandmother (timing makes it hard to have set calling guidelines... I should email her). I'm working on saying " no " to friends or asking for alone time. Etc... My advice is to notice the ways in which you *do* stand up for yourself, and build courage/credit/validation from those. When you feel ready, challenge yourself! Essentially this is a mix of practice and desensitization. I have a ridiculous amount of anxiety, and panic attack are common. I've definitely had to take my panic medicine before or after some of the challenges, but that's ok: it's new and hard, but it gets easier as you get used to it. Good luck! -Frances > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2010 Report Share Posted May 27, 2010 yes!  again i agree completely, we can be happy and we deserve to be.   baby steps may not seem like much, but they pile up after awhile and pretty soon new patterns emerge, and yes, we fear less, abandonment and rejection don't rule our lives completely any more.  it's like magic sometimes.ann Subject: Re: Anxiety with others To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, May 24, 2010, 7:57 AM  Kazam, Sigh. I know how you feel. (I find myself saying that a lot on this board! LOL!) I am the same way. It is a process, learning to say what I mean and not what I think others want me to say. It's hard to have an adult voice now when we weren't allowed to have a voice as children; stating our opinion was met either with indifference or having it vehemently stomped down. I find I'm like this more with men and people in authority, like a higher up -- people I want to like me (I don't mean sexually; I mean, people who remind me of my father's authority, who I want to be happy with me and praise me). I think it's good that we're aware of it, that we're doing it. Like you said, it'll take baby steps, but we will get to the place where we can say something without fear of being rejected or abandoned. We deserve to be happy!! Fiona > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2010 Report Share Posted May 27, 2010 You are so right. Our past stuff, then throw in a bad day and add stress and some peri-menapause and OMG! But you know what? We are going to be ok because we have the where-with-all to ask these questions! I think a lot of people walk around with very little self-awareness. But not us, no we are so freakin aware. lol > > > > > > > > Hi All, > > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > > Kazam x > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 28, 2010 Report Share Posted May 28, 2010 I really had to share this. Talking about business and staff and my anxiety. It has all been justified today. " Trust your insticts " well soooooo true. No wonder I was anxious around my new staff member. She is a fantastic worker but her personality rubs me up the wrong way. In earlier posts I was questioning my sensitivity to my staff. Today I offered to cut her hair as she usually does it herself. She then went on to confess she has trichotillomania.(Hair Pulling). My instincts were right no wonder I felt like I did. Here we go again I have attracted another challenge. It has taken years for me to work on my anxiety issues. When I am around anxious people it is like alarm bells. Like I said it is a jungle out there. Ho Hum what to do now?????? Maybe just work her with the others and stay away. She is very bossy and works like a tropper. Already taking over. I can never beat her to work and she looks at the clock when I arrive. At the moment I am laughing because I seem to attract it. Where are all the sane people. Kazam > > Hi All, > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2010 Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 yes! that is definitely a risk i take when i try to trust myself and the people in my life who are good to me.. i look around me and wonder where they are sometimes.. and having abandonment issues besides doesn't make it any easier for me, but i try to continue to reach out to others who are in a safe setting and go from there.  at times there seem to be plenty of people around and at times not enuf.  but there is an ebb and flow i have found that i can begin to trust as long as i do the footwork and place myself in a position of being a friend so i can have a friend.  and when opportunities come making sure i take advantage of them as much as i can, even if i am a little scared of the unknown.  it takes a little practice but it can be done, one step at a time. best wishes to you, ann Subject: Re: Anxiety with others To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, May 27, 2010, 3:47 PM  Thanks to everyone for posting. It is so wonderful again to get the support and feel like we aren't alone in our challenges of life. It is hard work all this self awareness and growth but it is worth it. Amazing how much BPD has effected our whole personality and spirit. Now I feel I am trying to use my new skills of boundries and assertiveness in my every day life. It's exhausting. I do believe in trusting your instincts. The problem of late is that there will be very few people left in my life if I do that. It is hard in business when you have great workers but their personality and behaviours rub you up the wrong way. Since learning of BPD and other mental health issues it feels like it is a jungle out there. LOL. Kazam x > > > > > > Hi All, > > > Since learning of BPD and setting boundries with Nada, I have realised how much in my other areas of life that I have not set boundries. > > > Since I have become more assertive and set on speaking up for myself I have noticed that I suffer so much anxiety before I speak about something to someone that I am not happy about. Before I use to feel this rage inside of me and not speak up. I would let it brew than explode later. I have been trying to not do that anymore and speak up before it gets to that stage. Now I feel anxiety before I do confront someone with things that are just minor. > > > Example...The other day a staff member had been burning candles in the shop. I felt strongly about her not doing it, but suffered so much on how to bring it up or whether to just let it go. I did let her know on our communication board. I find writing things easier than speaking directly. Even the I reword it a couple of times to sound right. lol > > > Whenever I go to discuss something that I am not happy about I am so nervous. I know I am waiting for their reactions and that is quiet normal after growing up with Nada. I have noticed it is females I have the trouble with. When I do discuss issues and say how it is for me I do feel good about it after but I am not enjoying the anxiety and beating up before hand. I have even had to write things down before I say them and reherse what I want to discuss. > > > I am the boss but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I am always trying to keep the girls happy and keep the peace. When I have spoken up to a couple of staff members on matters they have walked out. I did it in a nice way too. They were girls that did have issues though and the business hasn't missed them. It is just the girls I have now are excellent and I don't want to loose them so I am walking on egg shells with them now letting them walk all over me at times. > > > I know these are fleas but just wondering if anyone has worked through these issues in their personal life and got any hints. > > > I know it is baby steps and a new way of relating that we have to learn after learning of BPD and the damage done. > > > Kazam x > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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