Re: I've been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder

October 4, 2009

I am sorry to hear that you are going through that . I went through a

lot as a kid and wondered how I managed not to develop DID. I am experiencing

memory issues lately but I think that must be from the years of stress and sleep

deprivation that an abusive relationship caused, I certainly don't feel

dissociated but I do find the memory issues to be frustrating so I empathize

with you.

At least you have a good prognosis, that is a lot better than BPD. It is sad how

so many children are left to deal with these obstacles after growing up in an

abusive environment, I wish that people who had these disorders would somehow

know that having kids was a bad idea but for some reason they seemed MORE likely

to want children. exMIL (who is PD'd and raised 3 PD'd kids) said that kids are

flattering. PD's seem to believe that a kid will fill their void, my PD'd ex

forced me to get pregnant as a ploy to trap me in the relationship (using a

child as a tactic rather than considering the care that a child requires.)

Children are merely objects to them or an extension of themselves. PDex felt

horrible about himself and he seemed to have been horribly abused as a child

(there were indications of sexual abuse and extreme discipline) so he reinacted

his horrible childhood onto our child. He insisted that a toddler understood

" what he was doing " when he

knocked something off a table as he tried to steady himself while he learned to

walk. My son has issues now too, I was too terrified of PDex and became

brainwashed by him over the years (I felt like his kleenex, being used like one,

and being told that nobody would believe me and I would lose my son, etc.) But I

protected my son the best that I could and I eventually broke away. My son has

come a long way this past year. I am worried about him but our T's have said how

resilient he seems to be, as I seem to be as well, and that works in his favor.

He does not seem to have the mental weaknesses that PDex has in spite of his

struggles (PDex's entire family seems to have a mental weakness, making the

abuse more affective in destroying them).

My son is a daydreamer, as I was at his age, probably part of our way of dealing

with the abuse but it does not seem to be a total dissociation. I do think that

PDex had episodes of dissociation, he didn't respond at all, his eyes glazed

over and it was very scary. PDex claims not to remember a lot of things that he

did or said and for some reason, I believe him (he is a pathological liar but

the way that he goes from Jekyll to Hyde, I would not be surprised that he

cannot remember things.) I really do think that PDex is a combination of

BPD/APD/DID. The DID being the least of the problem. I can only imagine the

things that caused these issues in PDex and I felt SOOOOO sorry for him for a

LONG time, he was not like this for no reason, his brother is even worse, but

PDex says that he cannot recall any extreme abuse (I witnessed a lack of

parenting skills in his parents when they offered to babysit my son, which I

stopped accepting for that very reason,

there is a LONG history of abuse in that family that even exMIL admits to,

there are symptoms of severe abuse in PDex including calling himself bad and

shaking like he expects to be hit and having sexual issues and severe

homophobia, the list is long.) I just wish that we could stop this cycle of

abuse, it IS avoidable - these PD'd parents should NOT be permitted to be alone

with ANY child. I even looked into getting a tubal ligation to prevent PDex from

forcing me to get pregnant but as soon as he found out what I was trying to do,

he became furious, yelled at me that I would be taking away HIS ability to

reproduce, and he forced me to flush my birth control pills and proceeded to

take immediate action of forcing a pregnancy (I hoped not to be fertile enough

to get pregnany right away, I needed time to find an escape, but I had a

positive pregnancy test within a month.) I was willing to permanently give up my

ability to have kids in order to avoid

reproducing with PDex but his determination won out. I love my son to bits, he

is exactly who I dreamed he would be (I knew I was carrying a son long before

the doctors knew, I dreamed of him each night, he looks and act just as I

dreamed and I don't believe in such things, I am a sceptic at heart.)

This is a ranting and confusing email, I know, but I so much wanted to avoid

having a child with PDex but he bullied me into it. I guess I am lucky that my

son does not have his father's demeaner, I could have a BP kid on my hands too.

, I wish you the best with your treatment. Just the fact that you are

seeking wellness is a great sign of hope and a lot more than most BP's achieve.

I, unfortunately, will probably be dealing with the consequences (to both my son

and I) for many years but simply seeking wellness is probably the biggest sign

of hope.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, October 4, 2009 6:28:12 AM

Subject: I've been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder

I've posted fairly recently about some intense issues I'm dealing with (or

trying to) in regards to being " raised " by a BPD/probably co-morbid psychopathic

nada and that I had decided to attempt therapy after a delay of some 16 years if

I could find a therapist I thought I could work with.

I did find someone and based on symptoms I was reporting (I'm at the point where

I just want to know what is up with me as a consequence of my childhood,even

though I was entertaining scary thoughts of being told that I also have BPD even

though I have no rages or black/white thinking and I don't routinely project my

feelings onto others,still I guess there's always this fear of being " blamed " by

being told I'm the same as nada somehow)--anyway, the therapist I chose decided

to conduct a long interview session ( an inventory that was developed to test

for this) to see how I scored on the scale of dissociative disorders.

The result is that I score for " severe depersonalization disorder " and am in the

high range for a score of " dissociative identity disorder " formerly known as

" multiple personality disorder " .Most people who score in the range I did

actually have DID but my diagnosis is for " Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise

Specified " because I don't have full blown alters ie split off personalities who

assume executive control of my functioning at times.

I also have Complex PTSD,which often co-occurs with a dissociative disorder.

I apologize if this post is a bit rambling or not very concise.I last saw my

therapist earlier in the week when we discussed what this diagnosis is going to

mean and what we're going to do and I've been crying off and on ever

since...understandi ng that the damage is real and the abuse is real; nada did

this to me.

I've been doing some reading on the subject and have learned that unlike BPD,a

dissociative disorder has NO genetic basis.You can only " get " DID or DDNOS from

repeated,prolonged trauma in childhood.Nobody is genetically predisposed to

dissociate due to perceived stress (like in BPD)--our brains are wired to

dissociate only when we encounter actual life threatening incidents,such as

actual disasters like car accidents or when we are subjected to trauma that

threatens our sense of psychological integrity,such as sexual assault.Normally,

such a traumatic incident is a one-off event and we recover from the

dissociation and return to our regular functioning although we may continue to

have symptoms of PTSD if we are unable to process the trauma,like flashbacks or

nightmares.

Dissociation (going outside of yourself/leaving your body/feeling unreal/feeling

numb/losing time) is a normal adaptive response to a traumatic event,but when

the trauma is repetitive and ongoing and happens when no flight or fight

response is possible and happens when you're a child whose brain is still

developing,it becomes a reflexive response to anything that triggers memories or

associations with the repeated traumas.A one-off dissociation doesn't become an

automatic reflex,but when the developing brain is subjected to repeated trauma

from which there is no escape,dissociating becomes habitual and assumes part of

the brain's functioning. What was intended by nature to be an adaptive response

becomes maladaptive because the individual no longer has conscious control over

it-- but this can only occur when the trauma is repetitive enough and

overwhelming enough that the response of dissociation must be employed over and

over again resulting in

dissociation becoming a reflex.

In other words,99% of people who have DID were repetitively abused as

children.They were NOT born that way! The other 1% have rare,severe brain

injuries from an accident.And they weren't born that way,either.

Someone who presents with this kind of severe dissociation is someone who has

been badly,repeatedly abused.There is no genetic cause for it,aside from perhaps

having parents who are genetically Cluster B or psychotic.

Personally,I don't lose huge chunks of time or find myself in some place I don't

remember going to,although at some points in my childhood I did.My dissociation

is a kind of constant low grade where I feel like I can't quite catch up with

time or can't be quite present in the moment.I often feel spacey or like I'm

floating.I often feel at a remove from myself or from events that are happening

around me,like I am not in sync with what is going on or with how I think or

feel.Life often seems dreamlike to me,like an echo of how I felt every time I

was traumatized as a child that never goes away: life never comes into full

relief for me like it's real and happening now; it seems more like a supposition

of existence,something that may or may not be really happening.I have the sense

of drifting and of being more of an observer of my own life than a participant.

Time has little meaning for me and I have to force myself to adhere to a clock

schedule,such as

being on time for something like work.I feel like I'm in a trance and have to

always do the same thing every morning like shower at seven,be dressed when the

clock says eight,leave the house when the clock says eight fifteen or else I

drift and will not be on time.It's especially bad in the morning when I get up.

I generally just don't feel embodied.I feel more like a ghost.I have this odd

sense that life is passing me by and I can't catch up.I don't feel like I am

enough to BE in my own life,like I am not really there in it.It's like I am not

quite alive.

I lose little bits of time here and there when I am triggered by something and

go completely blank.It's like I'm just not there anymore.This is misinterpreted

by others as indifference rather than a moment of complete dissociation. It

usually happens in some affective context and has caused me alot of grief in

close relationships, yet when I have openly said that I was dissociating I've

rarely been understood.I misplace items alot and have to keep important

documents in the same drawer of my filing cabinet or I will never find them.Many

times I've reached for my toothbrush in the morning only to find it's gone and

it's in some weird place like the medicine cabinet or the window sill and I have

no memory of putting it there or I go to get milk for my cereal at breakfast and

it's not in the fridge but on the counter where it's been since the morning

before and I hadn't even noticed...this happens so often and it scares me and

frustrates me.It's like I am

senile.I have to keep my keys in the front door lock or I will lose them.

At work I have to constantly remind myself of what I need to do and if I get

distracted by some unforeseen task I nearly panic quietly and internally trying

to remember where I was before I got interrupted. It's embarassing to have to

keep constant notes to remind me of what I need to do even though it's basic

stuff so I hide them in a drawer or keep them in my pocket.I know that I'm not a

stupid person but it makes me feel stupid to have to remind myself of these

basic things.I have to constantly force myself to focus on tasks because I am

always floating and nothing seems quite real.

The worst part is feeling like I have to struggle to grasp my own emotions,like

I can't quite experience them.I am dissociated from my emotions--they are not in

tune with my thoughts.I can think " I have a reason to be sad " without being able

to actually feel sad.

I don't feel present,most of the time,in my own body.My own thought process

seems more like an observer observing than of me thinking about me.It's like

there's this second hand person that I can't integrate into myself.I know that

it's still me,it just doesn't FEEL like me.

Anyway.I feel overwhelmed by all of this and sobered by the prospect of

addressing these problems in therapy.I'm going to do it and I was told my

prognosis is very good.It's hard getting started,hopefully once I do I will feel

better.

I feel like this was a very self indulgent post.I would not wish these feelings

on anyone but if any of you can relate to any of this,I'd appreciate your

thoughts.

October 4, 2009

,

I don't have anything particularly useful to say about this, but

I want to wish you the best in dealing with it. I think you've

already taken the hardest steps - admitting you have a problem

and seeking help and a diagnosis. Hopefully your therapist will

be able to help you on the road to recovery.

At 06:28 AM 10/04/2009 christine.depizan wrote:

>I've posted fairly recently about some intense issues I'm

>dealing with (or trying to) in regards to being " raised " by a

>BPD/probably co-morbid psychopathic nada and that I had decided

>to attempt therapy after a delay of some 16 years if I could

>find a therapist I thought I could work with.

>

> I did find someone and based on symptoms I was reporting

> (I'm at the point where I just want to know what is up with me

> as a consequence of my childhood,even though I was

> entertaining scary thoughts of being told that I also have BPD

> even though I have no rages or black/white thinking and I

> don't routinely project my feelings onto others,still I guess

> there's always this fear of being " blamed " by being told I'm

> the same as nada somehow)--anyway,the therapist I chose

> decided to conduct a long interview session ( an inventory

> that was developed to test for this) to see how I scored on

> the scale of dissociative disorders.

>

> The result is that I score for " severe depersonalization

> disorder " and am in the high range for a score of

> " dissociative identity disorder " formerly known as " multiple

> personality disorder " .Most people who score in the range I did

> actually have DID but my diagnosis is for " Dissociative

> Disorder Not Otherwise Specified " because I don't have full

> blown alters ie split off personalities who assume executive

> control of my functioning at times.

>

> I also have Complex PTSD,which often co-occurs with a

> dissociative disorder.

>

> I apologize if this post is a bit rambling or not very

> concise.I last saw my therapist earlier in the week when we

> discussed what this diagnosis is going to mean and what we're

> going to do and I've been crying off and on ever

> since...understanding that the damage is real and the abuse is

> real; nada did this to me.

>

> I've been doing some reading on the subject and have

> learned that unlike BPD,a dissociative disorder has NO genetic

> basis.You can only " get " DID or DDNOS from repeated,prolonged

> trauma in childhood.Nobody is genetically predisposed to

> dissociate due to perceived stress (like in BPD)--our brains

> are wired to dissociate only when we encounter actual life

> threatening incidents,such as actual disasters like car

> accidents or when we are subjected to trauma that threatens

> our sense of psychological integrity,such as sexual

> assault.Normally,such a traumatic incident is a one-off event

> and we recover from the dissociation and return to our regular

> functioning although we may continue to have symptoms of PTSD

> if we are unable to process the trauma,like flashbacks or

> nightmares.

>

> Dissociation (going outside of yourself/leaving your

> body/feeling unreal/feeling numb/losing time) is a normal

> adaptive response to a traumatic event,but when the trauma is

> repetitive and ongoing and happens when no flight or fight

> response is possible and happens when you're a child whose

> brain is still developing,it becomes a reflexive response to

> anything that triggers memories or associations with the

> repeated traumas.A one-off dissociation doesn't become an

> automatic reflex,but when the developing brain is subjected to

> repeated trauma from which there is no escape,dissociating

> becomes habitual and assumes part of the brain's

> functioning.What was intended by nature to be an adaptive

> response becomes maladaptive because the individual no longer

> has conscious control over it-- but this can only occur when

> the trauma is repetitive enough and overwhelming enough that

> the response of dissociation must be employed over and over

> again resulting in dissociation becoming a reflex.

>

> In other words,99% of people who have DID were

> repetitively abused as children.They were NOT born that way!

> The other 1% have rare,severe brain injuries from an

> accident.And they weren't born that way,either.

>

> Someone who presents with this kind of severe

> dissociation is someone who has been badly,repeatedly

> abused.There is no genetic cause for it,aside from perhaps

> having parents who are genetically Cluster B or psychotic.

>

> Personally,I don't lose huge chunks of time or find

> myself in some place I don't remember going to,although at

> some points in my childhood I did.My dissociation is a kind of

> constant low grade where I feel like I can't quite catch up

> with time or can't be quite present in the moment.I often feel

> spacey or like I'm floating.I often feel at a remove from

> myself or from events that are happening around me,like I am

> not in sync with what is going on or with how I think or

> feel.Life often seems dreamlike to me,like an echo of how I

> felt every time I was traumatized as a child that never goes

> away: life never comes into full relief for me like it's real

> and happening now; it seems more like a supposition of

> existence,something that may or may not be really happening.I

> have the sense of drifting and of being more of an observer of

> my own life than a participant.Time has little meaning for me

> and I have to force myself to adhere to a clock schedule,such

> as being on time for something like work.I feel like I'm in a

> trance and have to always do the same thing every morning like

> shower at seven,be dressed when the clock says eight,leave the

> house when the clock says eight fifteen or else I drift and

> will not be on time.It's especially bad in the morning when I

> get up.

>

> I generally just don't feel embodied.I feel more like

> a ghost.I have this odd sense that life is passing me by and I

> can't catch up.I don't feel like I am enough to BE in my own

> life,like I am not really there in it.It's like I am not quite

> alive.

>

> I lose little bits of time here and there when I am

> triggered by something and go completely blank.It's like I'm

> just not there anymore.This is misinterpreted by others as

> indifference rather than a moment of complete dissociation.It

> usually happens in some affective context and has caused me

> alot of grief in close relationships,yet when I have openly

> said that I was dissociating I've rarely been understood.I

> misplace items alot and have to keep important documents in

> the same drawer of my filing cabinet or I will never find

> them.Many times I've reached for my toothbrush in the morning

> only to find it's gone and it's in some weird place like the

> medicine cabinet or the window sill and I have no memory of

> putting it there or I go to get milk for my cereal at

> breakfast and it's not in the fridge but on the counter where

> it's been since the morning before and I hadn't even

> noticed...this happens so often and it scares me and

> frustrates me.It's like I am senile.I have to keep my keys in

> the front door lock or I will lose them.

>

> At work I have to constantly remind myself of what I

> need to do and if I get distracted by some unforeseen task I

> nearly panic quietly and internally trying to remember where I

> was before I got interrupted.It's embarassing to have to keep

> constant notes to remind me of what I need to do even though

> it's basic stuff so I hide them in a drawer or keep them in my

> pocket.I know that I'm not a stupid person but it makes me

> feel stupid to have to remind myself of these basic things.I

> have to constantly force myself to focus on tasks because I am

> always floating and nothing seems quite real.

>

> The worst part is feeling like I have to struggle to

> grasp my own emotions,like I can't quite experience them.I am

> dissociated from my emotions--they are not in tune with my

> thoughts.I can think " I have a reason to be sad " without being

> able to actually feel sad.

>

> I don't feel present,most of the time,in my own body.My

> own thought process seems more like an observer observing than

> of me thinking about me.It's like there's this second hand

> person that I can't integrate into myself.I know that it's

> still me,it just doesn't FEEL like me.

>

> Anyway.I feel overwhelmed by all of this and sobered by

> the prospect of addressing these problems in therapy.I'm going

> to do it and I was told my prognosis is very good.It's hard

> getting started,hopefully once I do I will feel better.

>

> I feel like this was a very self indulgent post.I

> would not wish these feelings on anyone but if any of you can

> relate to any of this,I'd appreciate your thoughts.

>

--

Katrina

October 4, 2009

((((((((((()))))))))))))

I cried as I read your post. It is wonderful that you have a good therapist to

help you become the lovely person you were meant to be (before nada tried to

stamp you into HER mold).

May we all heal, blessings, mg

>

> I've posted fairly recently about some intense issues I'm dealing with (or

trying to) in regards to being " raised " by a BPD/probably co-morbid psychopathic

nada and that I had decided to attempt therapy after a delay of some 16 years if

I could find a therapist I thought I could work with.

>

> I did find someone and based on symptoms I was reporting (I'm at the point

where I just want to know what is up with me as a consequence of my

childhood,even though I was entertaining scary thoughts of being told that I

also have BPD even though I have no rages or black/white thinking and I don't

routinely project my feelings onto others,still I guess there's always this fear

of being " blamed " by being told I'm the same as nada somehow)--anyway,the

therapist I chose decided to conduct a long interview session ( an inventory

that was developed to test for this) to see how I scored on the scale of

dissociative disorders.

>

> The result is that I score for " severe depersonalization disorder " and am

in the high range for a score of " dissociative identity disorder " formerly known

as " multiple personality disorder " .Most people who score in the range I did

actually have DID but my diagnosis is for " Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise

Specified " because I don't have full blown alters ie split off personalities who

assume executive control of my functioning at times.

>

> I also have Complex PTSD,which often co-occurs with a dissociative

disorder.

>

> I apologize if this post is a bit rambling or not very concise.I last

saw my therapist earlier in the week when we discussed what this diagnosis is

going to mean and what we're going to do and I've been crying off and on ever

since...understanding that the damage is real and the abuse is real; nada did

this to me.

>

> I've been doing some reading on the subject and have learned that

unlike BPD,a dissociative disorder has NO genetic basis.You can only " get " DID

or DDNOS from repeated,prolonged trauma in childhood.Nobody is genetically

predisposed to dissociate due to perceived stress (like in BPD)--our brains are

wired to dissociate only when we encounter actual life threatening

incidents,such as actual disasters like car accidents or when we are subjected

to trauma that threatens our sense of psychological integrity,such as sexual

assault.Normally,such a traumatic incident is a one-off event and we recover

from the dissociation and return to our regular functioning although we may

continue to have symptoms of PTSD if we are unable to process the trauma,like

flashbacks or nightmares.

>

> Dissociation (going outside of yourself/leaving your body/feeling

unreal/feeling numb/losing time) is a normal adaptive response to a traumatic

event,but when the trauma is repetitive and ongoing and happens when no flight

or fight response is possible and happens when you're a child whose brain is

still developing,it becomes a reflexive response to anything that triggers

memories or associations with the repeated traumas.A one-off dissociation

doesn't become an automatic reflex,but when the developing brain is subjected to

repeated trauma from which there is no escape,dissociating becomes habitual and

assumes part of the brain's functioning.What was intended by nature to be an

adaptive response becomes maladaptive because the individual no longer has

conscious control over it-- but this can only occur when the trauma is

repetitive enough and overwhelming enough that the response of dissociation must

be employed over and over again resulting in dissociation becoming a reflex.

>

> In other words,99% of people who have DID were repetitively abused as

children.They were NOT born that way! The other 1% have rare,severe brain

injuries from an accident.And they weren't born that way,either.

>

> Someone who presents with this kind of severe dissociation is someone

who has been badly,repeatedly abused.There is no genetic cause for it,aside from

perhaps having parents who are genetically Cluster B or psychotic.

>

> Personally,I don't lose huge chunks of time or find myself in some

place I don't remember going to,although at some points in my childhood I did.My

dissociation is a kind of constant low grade where I feel like I can't quite

catch up with time or can't be quite present in the moment.I often feel spacey

or like I'm floating.I often feel at a remove from myself or from events that

are happening around me,like I am not in sync with what is going on or with how

I think or feel.Life often seems dreamlike to me,like an echo of how I felt

every time I was traumatized as a child that never goes away: life never comes

into full relief for me like it's real and happening now; it seems more like a

supposition of existence,something that may or may not be really happening.I

have the sense of drifting and of being more of an observer of my own life than

a participant.Time has little meaning for me and I have to force myself to

adhere to a clock schedule,such as being on time for something like work.I feel

like I'm in a trance and have to always do the same thing every morning like

shower at seven,be dressed when the clock says eight,leave the house when the

clock says eight fifteen or else I drift and will not be on time.It's especially

bad in the morning when I get up.

>

> I generally just don't feel embodied.I feel more like a ghost.I have

this odd sense that life is passing me by and I can't catch up.I don't feel like

I am enough to BE in my own life,like I am not really there in it.It's like I am

not quite alive.

>

> I lose little bits of time here and there when I am triggered by

something and go completely blank.It's like I'm just not there anymore.This is

misinterpreted by others as indifference rather than a moment of complete

dissociation.It usually happens in some affective context and has caused me alot

of grief in close relationships,yet when I have openly said that I was

dissociating I've rarely been understood.I misplace items alot and have to keep

important documents in the same drawer of my filing cabinet or I will never find

them.Many times I've reached for my toothbrush in the morning only to find it's

gone and it's in some weird place like the medicine cabinet or the window sill

and I have no memory of putting it there or I go to get milk for my cereal at

breakfast and it's not in the fridge but on the counter where it's been since

the morning before and I hadn't even noticed...this happens so often and it

scares me and frustrates me.It's like I am senile.I have to keep my keys in the

front door lock or I will lose them.

>

> At work I have to constantly remind myself of what I need to do and

if I get distracted by some unforeseen task I nearly panic quietly and

internally trying to remember where I was before I got interrupted.It's

embarassing to have to keep constant notes to remind me of what I need to do

even though it's basic stuff so I hide them in a drawer or keep them in my

pocket.I know that I'm not a stupid person but it makes me feel stupid to have

to remind myself of these basic things.I have to constantly force myself to

focus on tasks because I am always floating and nothing seems quite real.

>

> The worst part is feeling like I have to struggle to grasp my own

emotions,like I can't quite experience them.I am dissociated from my

emotions--they are not in tune with my thoughts.I can think " I have a reason to

be sad " without being able to actually feel sad.

>

> I don't feel present,most of the time,in my own body.My own thought

process seems more like an observer observing than of me thinking about me.It's

like there's this second hand person that I can't integrate into myself.I know

that it's still me,it just doesn't FEEL like me.

>

> Anyway.I feel overwhelmed by all of this and sobered by the prospect of

addressing these problems in therapy.I'm going to do it and I was told my

prognosis is very good.It's hard getting started,hopefully once I do I will feel

better.

>

> I feel like this was a very self indulgent post.I would not wish

these feelings on anyone but if any of you can relate to any of this,I'd

appreciate your thoughts.

>

October 4, 2009

Hi , first serious HUGS sent your way. It's clearly a really shaking

and sobering thing to get a diagnosis like this even if it is also a validation

for the reality you know you experienced. I hope you give yourself credit for

your bravery in exploring this and resourcefulness in all the methods and tricks

you've used to compensate for it. If I remember right you are pretty

successful in your work world, that didn't happen by accident but because of

your very real skills and qualities.

My first thought is that it is important to remember that you are the same

person you were before you got this diagnosis. This is another way of looking

at what is going on with you, providing new ways to approach working with it.

But who you are, that hasn't changed, DID is a label, a filter to view from,

with techniques to work on but the you who has become a corporate success, all

those accomplishments, all that strength and grit you've shared with us - that's

all just as true, just as real. I may be taking the wrong tack and if so

please forgive me, but I find it an issue for myself to hold on to the positives

about myself when dealing with the labels of psychology.

I can relate to some of your DID symptoms. I do not have it as continually, but

I think I may have a touch of it. Particularly during long periods of stress

and those weeklong visits to my family. I do a lot of spiritual work and have

used techniques and ways of looking at things from that when this happens for

me. One is I am aware when my energy is out of sync with my body - this is when

cold items get left on the counter, accidentally bumping into things, or in this

worst case feeling disconnected from my body. When that happens, I

deliberately command my " energy " to come back down into my body (most people's

energy goes up and out in a state of fear or dissocation) and I focus hard on

the bottom of my feet. Feeling them, their temp, the shoes the floor and this

can help to reverse it. It can even be helpful to focus slightly below your

actual feet.

Since you are dealing with this all the time, my foot sole focusing thing may

not work right away, but anything you do where you deliberately focus on your

body, especially it's boundaries, where it touches your clothes, the furniture,

helps to anchor you. I'm sure that psychologists have a whole raft of

techniques beyond that and maybe one day I'll take the plunge myself and see

what they say.

Again I'm sorry you went through so much and I hope that this discovery leads to

true healing and living a full life, in real time.

Take care,