Nada's Behavior: Funny or Cruel

[Guest guest]

This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the " norms "

(normal people)

I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out of town

trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd left

it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next day and

try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would have

done for me when I was a kid.)

Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of to my

niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for Christmas

as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun. This was

in *October*.

So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that her

favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing out

on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey grandma

has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of nada.

At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about how

it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't say

anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this rift

to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

Does anyone have any similar stories?

-Deanna

[Guest guest]

I think it was a cruel thing to do, to keep a beloved comfort-object from an

8-year-old child who so obviously missed it and needed it, and then *laugh at

her* as the child sobbed. Poor damned little kid. Jeez, what a bully your nada

is.

I'm glad for you that at least you are NC with your nada, which is a form of

standing up to the witch.

-Annie

>

> This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

" norms " (normal people)

>

> I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

>

> A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out of

town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

>

> I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next

day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would

have done for me when I was a kid.)

>

> Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of to

my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun.

This was in *October*.

>

> So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that her

favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing out

on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey grandma

has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of nada.

>

> At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about how

it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

>

> How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't say

anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

>

> It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

>

> Does anyone have any similar stories?

>

> -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

That's totally cruel - and very sad. Your poor niece.

I think any " normal " person listening to this story would find her behavior

cruel (and just plain weird).

Suzy

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

That's totally cruel - and very sad. Your poor niece.

I think any " normal " person listening to this story would find her behavior

cruel (and just plain weird).

Suzy

[Guest guest]

how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

Jackie

> This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> " norms " (normal people)

>

> I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

>

> A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> took it everywhere; it was her security blanket.

>

> I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

>

> Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> fun. This was in *October*.

>

> So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> the wrath of nada.

>

> At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> it was funny to nada.

>

> How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> her.

>

> It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

>

> Does anyone have any similar stories?

>

> -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Deliberate cruelty like that bullying behavior makes me want to vomit.

I don't care if nada is suffering.

I just don't freaking care that nada has a badly-wired brain.

Poor nada, my ass!

There is no excuse for deliberate mental/emotional torture like that (and worse)

perpetrated against their own small, defenseless children. And then *laughing*

about their child's distress, misery, and terror...

Good Lord. Its a nightmare scenario for a child. A real, true, living

nightmare when mommy is also the monster under your bed.

Its worse than setting puppies on fire, for Christ's sake, because people will

hear the puppies shrieking and come running to help.

-Annie

>

> how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

> were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

> and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

> in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

> us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

> on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

> I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

> no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

> to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

> frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

> happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

> object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

> ( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

> almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

>

>

> Jackie

>

>

> > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> > " norms " (normal people)

> >

> > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> > of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> > took it everywhere; it was her security blanket.

> >

> > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> > left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> > next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> > they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

> >

> > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> > to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> > Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> > fun. This was in *October*.

> >

> > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> > her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> > losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> > say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> > the wrath of nada.

> >

> > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> > how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> > box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> > laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> > of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> > it was funny to nada.

> >

> > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> > say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> > going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> > her.

> >

> > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> > rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> >

> > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> >

> > -Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

jackie, that is so sad. Nada didn't make sure I brushed my teeth or tuck me in,

read me stories, or anything either. Nada used to threaten to kill herself if I

didn't do as she wanted. When she was mad she'd say to get away from her before

she hurts me. I guess I was lucky to not feel a sense of abandonment, I gave up

on her at a very young age. What I wonder about now is, how to balance such a

terrible childhood with wanting a normal childhood our own children (those of us

who have kids.) My son experienced clinginess and fear of abandonment due to his

father's neglect and abuse and my depression as a result of it all. When PDex

left, my son clung to me like he never had before (his dad was not in his way

any more to stop him.) He insisted on sleeping in my bed due to his fears. I now

have him weaned back into his own bed but he sleeps nearby. I don't want to

coddle him but I don't want to discourage his healing either. If he needs a lot

of reassurance

right now then I feel it is important to give it to him. I just wonder if I am

not giving in too much sometimes but with all he has been through, how could I

do things any differently? Our T's say that he is experiencing a 2nd childhood

to make up for the lack of safety when his dad was around. He is free to laugh

and play like he never has before. So it's like having a younger kid until he

feels more secure and matures a little. So, I try to remember all that I lacked

as a child and make sure that he doesn't have to miss out like I did.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 5, 2009 5:08:53 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Nada's Behavior: Funny or Cruel

how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

Jackie

> This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> " norms " (normal people)

>

> I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

>

> A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> took it everywhere; it was her security blanket..

>

> I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

>

> Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> fun. This was in *October*.

>

> So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> the wrath of nada.

>

> At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> it was funny to nada.

>

> How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> her..

>

> It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

>

> Does anyone have any similar stories?

>

> -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Its not only cruel its totally weird. Not only did she not return the blanket

but she seemed to see returning the blanket as a gift...not as something that

you would just do because you want your granddaughter to have her blanket. Was

there any special significance to the blanket? You said it was handmade

especially for her. Could your nada have had some reason for keeping it away

from her?

The other thing that seems weird to me, and I know Im not the only person like

this, but when I get someone a gift...particularly something I know they really

want I am sooooo excited to give it to them I can barely wait for the gift

giving occasion to arrive.

This story is just weird no matter how you slice it.

Sidebar: My nada did something similar to me when I was in Jr. High. She witheld

some sports equiptment that I needed for months so that she could give it to me

as a christmas gift. Nevermind that for months I was waiting on this thing,

calling to see if it was ready, dealing with my coach who was impatient for me

to have the proper equiptment, and literally risking my bodily injury without

it. She seemed surprised that I was upset about that...

>

> This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

" norms " (normal people)

>

> I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

>

> A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out of

town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

>

> I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next

day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would

have done for me when I was a kid.)

>

> Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of to

my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun.

This was in *October*.

>

> So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that her

favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing out

on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey grandma

has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of nada.

>

> At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about how

it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

>

> How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't say

anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

>

> It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

>

> Does anyone have any similar stories?

>

> -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmmm if I were you, I would err on the side of coddling.

>

> jackie, that is so sad. Nada didn't make sure I brushed my teeth or tuck me

in, read me stories, or anything either. Nada used to threaten to kill herself

if I didn't do as she wanted. When she was mad she'd say to get away from her

before she hurts me. I guess I was lucky to not feel a sense of abandonment, I

gave up on her at a very young age. What I wonder about now is, how to balance

such a terrible childhood with wanting a normal childhood our own children

(those of us who have kids.) My son experienced clinginess and fear of

abandonment due to his father's neglect and abuse and my depression as a result

of it all. When PDex left, my son clung to me like he never had before (his dad

was not in his way any more to stop him.) He insisted on sleeping in my bed due

to his fears. I now have him weaned back into his own bed but he sleeps nearby.

I don't want to coddle him but I don't want to discourage his healing either. If

he needs a lot of reassurance

> right now then I feel it is important to give it to him. I just wonder if I

am not giving in too much sometimes but with all he has been through, how could

I do things any differently? Our T's say that he is experiencing a 2nd childhood

to make up for the lack of safety when his dad was around. He is free to laugh

and play like he never has before. So it's like having a younger kid until he

feels more secure and matures a little. So, I try to remember all that I lacked

as a child and make sure that he doesn't have to miss out like I did.

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, October 5, 2009 5:08:53 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Nada's Behavior: Funny or Cruel

>

>

> how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

> were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

> and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

> in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

> us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

> on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

> I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

> no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

> to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

> frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

> happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

> object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

> ( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

> almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

>

> Jackie

>

> > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> > " norms " (normal people)

> >

> > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> > of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> > took it everywhere; it was her security blanket..

> >

> > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> > left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> > next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> > they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

> >

> > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> > to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> > Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> > fun. This was in *October*.

> >

> > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> > her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> > losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> > say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> > the wrath of nada.

> >

> > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> > how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> > box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> > laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> > of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> > it was funny to nada.

> >

> > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> > say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> > going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> > her..

> >

> > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> > rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> >

> > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> >

> > -Deanna

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I never considered this, but yes, it was given to her by her mother's mother (my

nada is the father's mother). Also, my nada tried to learn how to knit once,

couldn't do it, gave up, and my dad picked the book up and knitted a scarf which

pissed her off royally.

Interesting!

-Deanna

> >

> > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

" norms " (normal people)

> >

> > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out of

town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

> >

> > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next

day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would

have done for me when I was a kid.)

> >

> > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun.

This was in *October*.

> >

> > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing

out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey

grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of

nada.

> >

> > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

> >

> > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't say

anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

> >

> > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> >

> > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> >

> > -Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This deliberate withholding behavior is sounding more and more like pure sadism

to me, pure enjoyment of another being's suffering. " I've got something you

want, something you need, and I'm enjoying watching you *suffer* until I decide

to give it to you... Which I may or may not do... If I feel like it. "

Like chaining a dog to a stake and then placing a bowl of water just out of

reach: sadistic torture.

-Annie

> >

> > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

" norms " (normal people)

> >

> > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out of

town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

> >

> > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next

day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would

have done for me when I was a kid.)

> >

> > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun.

This was in *October*.

> >

> > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing

out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey

grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of

nada.

> >

> > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

> >

> > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't say

anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

> >

> > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> >

> > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> >

> > -Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

In the world according to nada/fada all they were required to provide was food,

shelter, and clothing...and I should be damn grateful since I actually had more

than one pair of jeans (forget that I bought most of my clothing with

babysitting money/afterschool mall job).

So...from their perspective...the sports equiptment WAS a gift and I had nothing

to be upset about.

>

>

> > > Sidebar: My nada did something similar to me when I was in Jr. High. She

> > witheld some sports equiptment that I needed for months so that she could

give

> > it to me as a christmas gift. Nevermind that for months I was waiting on

this

> > thing, calling to see if it was ready, dealing with my coach who was

impatient

> > for me to have the proper equiptment, and literally risking my bodily injury

> > without it. She seemed surprised that I was upset about that...

>

> Always wanted credit for something she bought which she was supposed to do as

a parent, right?

>

[Guest guest]

I know right???? Annie...just when I was starting to feel poorly and like I've

been too hard on my nada we have a thread like this and Im reminded of why I

have little to no contact with her (even though she was by far the lesser of the

two evils in my house.)

That WAS sadistic. She'd pick me up from practice and I'd be in pain because I

didnt have the proper equiptment and she said nothing. Not only that but if I

suggested taking some time off because of the pain/too much on my plate anyway

she would go on a rant about hos hard she had worked to get my fada to pay for

the lessons in the first place and how " disappointed she was in me " . Man...the

F'd upedness of that just totally hit me.

No more feeling bad for nada.

> > >

> > > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

" norms " (normal people)

> > >

> > > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> > >

> > > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

> > >

> > > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next

day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would

have done for me when I was a kid.)

> > >

> > > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun.

This was in *October*.

> > >

> > > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing

out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey

grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of

nada.

> > >

> > > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

> > >

> > > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

> > >

> > > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> > >

> > > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> > >

> > > -Deanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My fada once gave my stereo to his GF (that he was dumping so that he and my

nada could reconcile) because he was concerned that *she* wouldnt have anything

to listen too. The GF gave me my stereo back that night cause she didnt feel

right taking a teenagers stereo. I wish I had been nicer to her back in the

day...she may have actually been a decent person.

>

> In this light ,my mother used to build up something like my desk, telling me

over and over again how wonderful it was, then sold it to a neighbor. When I

protested I had nothing else, she promised she'd get me a new one. She never or

rarely kept promises, and I said no. Then she told the neighbor I backed out of

it, made her do it.

>

> anyone else have the same thing, nada giving away stuff, or selling to torment

you, no other reason?

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie, this sucks. I'm sorry you went through that.

-Deanna

>

> how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

> were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

> and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

> in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

> us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

> on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

> I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

> no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

> to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

> frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

> happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

> object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

> ( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

> almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

>

>

> Jackie

>

>

> > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> > " norms " (normal people)

> >

> > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> > of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> > took it everywhere; it was her security blanket.

> >

> > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> > left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> > next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> > they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

> >

> > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> > to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> > Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> > fun. This was in *October*.

> >

> > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> > her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> > losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> > say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> > the wrath of nada.

> >

> > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> > how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> > box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> > laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> > of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> > it was funny to nada.

> >

> > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> > say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> > going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> > her.

> >

> > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> > rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> >

> > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> >

> > -Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I had the same experience. Nada didn't care about brushing my teeth/tucking me

in. She'd go sit on the couch right after dinner. If I tried to talk to her,

she'd threaten to kill me (and was specific, she'd hold the object up to show me

she was going to hurt me) I remember how yellow and gross my teeth were because

I never brushed them. And she didn't care. It was like I didn't exist.

>

> jackie, that is so sad. Nada didn't make sure I brushed my teeth or tuck me

in, read me stories, or anything either. Nada used to threaten to kill herself

if I didn't do as she wanted. When she was mad she'd say to get away from her

before she hurts me. I guess I was lucky to not feel a sense of abandonment, I

gave up on her at a very young age. What I wonder about now is, how to balance

such a terrible childhood with wanting a normal childhood our own children

(those of us who have kids.) My son experienced clinginess and fear of

abandonment due to his father's neglect and abuse and my depression as a result

of it all. When PDex left, my son clung to me like he never had before (his dad

was not in his way any more to stop him.) He insisted on sleeping in my bed due

to his fears. I now have him weaned back into his own bed but he sleeps nearby.

I don't want to coddle him but I don't want to discourage his healing either. If

he needs a lot of reassurance

> right now then I feel it is important to give it to him. I just wonder if I

am not giving in too much sometimes but with all he has been through, how could

I do things any differently? Our T's say that he is experiencing a 2nd childhood

to make up for the lack of safety when his dad was around. He is free to laugh

and play like he never has before. So it's like having a younger kid until he

feels more secure and matures a little. So, I try to remember all that I lacked

as a child and make sure that he doesn't have to miss out like I did.

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, October 5, 2009 5:08:53 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Nada's Behavior: Funny or Cruel

>

>

> how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

> were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

> and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

> in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

> us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

> on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

> I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

> no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

> to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

> frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

> happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

> object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

> ( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

> almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

>

> Jackie

>

> > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> > " norms " (normal people)

> >

> > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> > of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> > took it everywhere; it was her security blanket..

> >

> > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> > left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> > next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> > they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

> >

> > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> > to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> > Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> > fun. This was in *October*.

> >

> > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> > her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> > losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> > say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> > the wrath of nada.

> >

> > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> > how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> > box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> > laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> > of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> > it was funny to nada.

> >

> > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> > say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> > going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> > her..

> >

> > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> > rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> >

> > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> >

> > -Deanna

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Deanna,

That is definitely Cruel!! What is it about nadas and Christmas presents? This

reminds me of a story about my sister growing up (although your story is much

worse, but along the same lines). One year when my sister was very little

(around 4 years old or so) there was a huge gift under the Xmas tree for her.

She was so excited. Then when she went to open it, there were a million boxes

all wrapped, one within the other. Sister unwrapped all these boxes, and the

final one was a tiny box - with a decorative pin in it. How on earth could a

4-year old appreciate a decorative pin?! I can hear my nada's cackle as my

sister was fighting back tears (if we expressed any disappointment for her

" gifts " she would rage at us for being " ungrateful " ). Makes me sick just

thinking about it!

Alyssa

>

> This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

" norms " (normal people)

>

> I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

>

> A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out of

town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she took it

everywhere; it was her security blanket.

>

> I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the next

day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than they would

have done for me when I was a kid.)

>

> Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of to

my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much fun.

This was in *October*.

>

> So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that her

favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is losing out

on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to say, " Hey grandma

has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared the wrath of nada.

>

> At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about how

it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the box, my

niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and laughing. It was

such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea of doing this, but when

I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But it was funny to nada.

>

> How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't say

anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me going

NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to her.

>

> It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

>

> Does anyone have any similar stories?

>

> -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

How did it affect me? I suppose I could write a really long post describing in

detail all the ways in which it affected me, but I can sum it up by saying I

grew up, and spent the majority of my early adulthood, believing that I didnt

deserve anything...that I was lucky to get leftovers, that my accomplishments

are actually a mistake and pretty soon they'll take away all I've worked for

cause I dont actually deserve it and it isnt good enough anyway, that to love

myself I had to be some perfect version of myself, that people complimented me

because they wanted something, if I accepted help I was expected to reciprocate

two-fold (therefore I rarely ask for help), that if anything goes wrong in the

world its all my fault and I need to fix it.

In short...that I dont matter unless Im doing something for ANYONE other than

myself.

Im not sure what kind of success your asking about so I cant answer that. What

did the abuse do to me? see above.

>

>

> >

> > So...from their perspective...the sports equiptment WAS a gift and I had

nothing

> > to be upset about.

>

>

> How id it affect you? I tried working with this in therapy, got nowhere.

>

> I was told it meant I felt I had to justify my life, and every action to the

world. I couldn't exist just by being alive.

>

> I still wake up at night, trying to stop the arguments and ruminations in my

head.

>

> Lost a lot of sleep this last week.

>

> Have you had any success , and what did this abuse do to you?

>

[Guest guest]

I could be wrong, but my guess would be that anyone who frequents this board is

struggling with that to some degree.

-Deanna

>

>

> >

> > How did it affect me? I suppose I could write a really long post describing

in

> > detail all the ways in which it affected me, but I can sum it up by saying I

> > grew up, and spent the majority of my early adulthood, believing that I

didnt

> > deserve anything...that I was lucky to get leftovers, that my

accomplishments

> > are actually a mistake and pretty soon they'll take away all I've worked for

> > cause I dont actually deserve it and it isnt good enough anyway, that to

love

> > myself I had to be some perfect version of myself, that people complimented

me

> > because they wanted something, if I accepted help I was expected to

reciprocate

> > two-fold (therefore I rarely ask for help), that if anything goes wrong in

the

> > world its all my fault and I need to fix it.

>

> ditto.

>

> >

> > In short...that I dont matter unless Im doing something for ANYONE other

than

> > myself.

> >

> > Im not sure what kind of success your asking about so I cant answer that.

What

> > did the abuse do to me? see above.

>

> did you or anyone else here, have any luck fixing those feelings and accepting

yourself, changing your frame of reference, and how did that success come about,

is what I meantto say.

>

[Guest guest]

That would be my guess too, and I also guess the answers are different for

everyone.

> >

> >

> > >

> > > How did it affect me? I suppose I could write a really long post

describing in

> > > detail all the ways in which it affected me, but I can sum it up by saying

I

> > > grew up, and spent the majority of my early adulthood, believing that I

didnt

> > > deserve anything...that I was lucky to get leftovers, that my

accomplishments

> > > are actually a mistake and pretty soon they'll take away all I've worked

for

> > > cause I dont actually deserve it and it isnt good enough anyway, that to

love

> > > myself I had to be some perfect version of myself, that people

complimented me

> > > because they wanted something, if I accepted help I was expected to

reciprocate

> > > two-fold (therefore I rarely ask for help), that if anything goes wrong in

the

> > > world its all my fault and I need to fix it.

> >

> > ditto.

> >

> > >

> > > In short...that I dont matter unless Im doing something for ANYONE other

than

> > > myself.

> > >

> > > Im not sure what kind of success your asking about so I cant answer that.

What

> > > did the abuse do to me? see above.

> >

> > did you or anyone else here, have any luck fixing those feelings and

accepting yourself, changing your frame of reference, and how did that success

come about, is what I meantto say.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Realmom,what a monster and a witch your nada was.That kind of behavior is beyond

horrible,it's evil.I'm so sorry that happened to you.

My nada threatened to kill me too when I was little.It was like I didn't

exist to her,either,unless it was to serve as her emotional (sometimes physical)

punching bag or all-pupose garbage pail.

It's hard to think of another word for all the nada behavior described in

this thread other than just " sadistic. "

> >

> > jackie, that is so sad. Nada didn't make sure I brushed my teeth or tuck me

in, read me stories, or anything either. Nada used to threaten to kill herself

if I didn't do as she wanted. When she was mad she'd say to get away from her

before she hurts me. I guess I was lucky to not feel a sense of abandonment, I

gave up on her at a very young age. What I wonder about now is, how to balance

such a terrible childhood with wanting a normal childhood our own children

(those of us who have kids.) My son experienced clinginess and fear of

abandonment due to his father's neglect and abuse and my depression as a result

of it all. When PDex left, my son clung to me like he never had before (his dad

was not in his way any more to stop him.) He insisted on sleeping in my bed due

to his fears. I now have him weaned back into his own bed but he sleeps nearby.

I don't want to coddle him but I don't want to discourage his healing either. If

he needs a lot of reassurance

> > right now then I feel it is important to give it to him. I just wonder if I

am not giving in too much sometimes but with all he has been through, how could

I do things any differently? Our T's say that he is experiencing a 2nd childhood

to make up for the lack of safety when his dad was around. He is free to laugh

and play like he never has before. So it's like having a younger kid until he

feels more secure and matures a little. So, I try to remember all that I lacked

as a child and make sure that he doesn't have to miss out like I did.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: sleddog <sleddog@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Monday, October 5, 2009 5:08:53 PM

> > Subject: Re: Re: Nada's Behavior: Funny or Cruel

> >

> >

> > how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

> > were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

> > and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck me

> > in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

> > us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

> > on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

> > I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight louder...still

> > no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

> > to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

> > frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

> > happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

> > object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

> > ( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

> > almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> > > " norms " (normal people)

> > >

> > > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> > >

> > > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> > > of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> > > took it everywhere; it was her security blanket..

> > >

> > > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized she'd

> > > left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> > > next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more than

> > > they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

> > >

> > > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead of

> > > to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her for

> > > Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so much

> > > fun. This was in *October*.

> > >

> > > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think that

> > > her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> > > losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> > > say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I feared

> > > the wrath of nada.

> > >

> > > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on about

> > > how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> > > box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> > > laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the idea

> > > of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> > > it was funny to nada.

> > >

> > > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> > > say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and me

> > > going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> > > her..

> > >

> > > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe this

> > > rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> > >

> > > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> > >

> > > -Deanna

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

xrisacct asked: " anyone else have the same thing,nada giving away stuff,or

selling to torment you,no other reason? "

Yes! I wore mostly hand-me-downs as a kid,not because my parents couldn't

afford to buy me clothes,but apparently simply because nada couldn't be

bothered.I got hand-me-downs from two sets of cousins plus from two of nada's

girlfriends who had girls a year or so older than me.

One of these girlfriends bought her daughter really nice clothes.The

latest styles in very good quality materials.She'd give them to nada but she

rarely if ever gave them to me,except for things that would qualify more as

" play clothes " than as dress outfits.When I was eleven,her friend gave us some

of these hand-me-downs for the umpteenth time and nada put the bag in the front

hall closet and never mentioned it again.I was old enough to be embarassed that

I had ONE dress set that I wore to school and to notice that the other girls

wore different things and nice dresses that looked pretty.Other than that one

dress set,I basically wore those " play clothes " to school.The bag was just

sitting there and after all her friend had given them to me,so I asked nada if I

could have them.

At first she ignored me,then she showed up at my bedroom door with the

bag of hand-me-downs.She told me to pick out and fold the " nice outfits " neatly

on my bed and to leave the " not so good ones " in the bag.

I should have known it was a set up.I did as asked,imagining how put

together I was going to look in the very nice dress sets I'd picked out and

carefully folded in a pile on my bed.

She came back,scooped up the nice outfits I'd folded on my bed,and said

with this triumphant gloat, " GOOD,I'm going to give these clothes to (another

friend of hers).(Her daughter) is going to look so pretty in these outfits.You

may keep the clothes in the bag. "

I said, " But I asked you if I could have them and you knew I wanted them- "

She screamed, " How can you be so selfish! You know (my friend) is going

through a divorce and (her daughter) needs these clothes more than you! "

I tried to stand up to her because that time I did feel really angry

with her: " When I asked you if I could have them,you know I meant could I have

them for me- "

She screamed, " Do you EVER stop for ONE SECOND to think about anyone

other than yourself! "

I think she was really enjoying it until I got angry and would have

enjoyed it much more if I had simply dissolved into tears or begged her to

please,please,please let me have those clothes that had been given to me.

And the irony is,if she had asked me if I'd be willing to donate those

clothes to her friend's daughter,knowing how much I always wanted to be " nice " ,I

would have said yes.

>

> In this light ,my mother used to build up something like my desk, telling me

over and over again how wonderful it was, then sold it to a neighbor. When I

protested I had nothing else, she promised she'd get me a new one. She never or

rarely kept promises, and I said no. Then she told the neighbor I backed out of

it, made her do it.

>

> anyone else have the same thing, nada giving away stuff, or selling to torment

you, no other reason?

>

[Guest guest]

OH! The teethbrushing thing. Noone made sure I brushed my teeth or took a bath.

Every once in awhile my nada would tell me that I " stunk " and that I should

bathe and go brush my teeth. Of course that made me feel bad...like I was gross

or something. It never even occured to me then that a parent is supposed to go

through an almost nightly ritual of getting their children to bathe and brush. I

mean...I've seen my chosen family and their children and what a pain that can be

but...that's being a parent! Sheesh!!!

> > >

> > > jackie, that is so sad. Nada didn't make sure I brushed my teeth or tuck

me in, read me stories, or anything either. Nada used to threaten to kill

herself if I didn't do as she wanted. When she was mad she'd say to get away

from her before she hurts me. I guess I was lucky to not feel a sense of

abandonment, I gave up on her at a very young age. What I wonder about now is,

how to balance such a terrible childhood with wanting a normal childhood our own

children (those of us who have kids.) My son experienced clinginess and fear of

abandonment due to his father's neglect and abuse and my depression as a result

of it all. When PDex left, my son clung to me like he never had before (his dad

was not in his way any more to stop him.) He insisted on sleeping in my bed due

to his fears. I now have him weaned back into his own bed but he sleeps nearby.

I don't want to coddle him but I don't want to discourage his healing either. If

he needs a lot of reassurance

> > > right now then I feel it is important to give it to him. I just wonder if

I am not giving in too much sometimes but with all he has been through, how

could I do things any differently? Our T's say that he is experiencing a 2nd

childhood to make up for the lack of safety when his dad was around. He is free

to laugh and play like he never has before. So it's like having a younger kid

until he feels more secure and matures a little. So, I try to remember all that

I lacked as a child and make sure that he doesn't have to miss out like I did.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ________________________________

> > > From: sleddog <sleddog@>

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Sent: Monday, October 5, 2009 5:08:53 PM

> > > Subject: Re: Re: Nada's Behavior: Funny or Cruel

> > >

> > >

> > > how sad for your niece...my nada used to threatened to run away after we

> > > were all in bed...so I was always sent to bed first ( being the youngest)

> > > and had to get myself ready for bed because nada did not come up to tuck

me

> > > in, make sure I brushed my teeth and she never read a bedtime story to

> > > us...so I stand at the hall way, it's dark because no lights were allowed

> > > on, I can't hear any talking or the TV on down stairs...I say goodnight (

> > > I'm in the first grade)...no one answers, so I say goodnight

louder...still

> > > no one answers, so I keep saying until nada yells for me to shut up and go

> > > to bed before she has to come up there with the wooden spoon ( what she

> > > frequently used to beat us with)...I cry myself to sleep, as usual...this

> > > happens every night...while it's not that she's with holding a treasured

> > > object, she is still playing with my fear of abandonment, and insecurities

> > > ( and fear of the dark)...when nada tells this to others, she's laughing

> > > almost hysterically, like what a stupid child I am...

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > > > This is the manipulative aspect of BPD that is so hard to explain to the

> > > > " norms " (normal people)

> > > >

> > > > I may have posted about this before, so please forgive me.

> > > >

> > > > A couple of years ago, my 8yo niece left her blanket somewhere on an out

> > > > of town trip. It was an afghan that was crocheted just for her, and she

> > > > took it everywhere; it was her security blanket..

> > > >

> > > > I was on that trip and a half hour into the drive home, she realized

she'd

> > > > left it and began to cry. First off, my mother told her they'd call the

> > > > next day and try to get it shipped home. (as an aside, that is more

than

> > > > they would have done for me when I was a kid.)

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, nada did call and she got the package fed-exed *to her* instead

of

> > > > to my niece. She told the adults that she was going to give it to her

for

> > > > Christmas as a gift from Santa and that she thought that would be so

much

> > > > fun. This was in *October*.

> > > >

> > > > So the niece is at nada's on Thanksgiving and I can't help but think

that

> > > > her favorite blanket is *in the other room, hidden from her* and she is

> > > > losing out on all of this time with her comforting friend. I wanted to

> > > > say, " Hey grandma has your blanket " so she could get it back, but I

feared

> > > > the wrath of nada.

> > > >

> > > > At Christmas, she made sure it was the last gift opened, and went on

about

> > > > how it was a very special gift from Santa. Upon lifting a corner of the

> > > > box, my niece began sobbing real hard, and my mother was laughing and

> > > > laughing. It was such fun for her! I felt sick. I didn't like the

idea

> > > > of doing this, but when I saw her reaction, it felt horrible to me. But

> > > > it was funny to nada.

> > > >

> > > > How is it that nobody recognized that but me? Or maybe they just didn't

> > > > say anything? Truth is, *everyone* in my family is afraid of nada, and

me

> > > > going NC/LC makes me the only one who has done anything to stand up to

> > > > her..

> > > >

> > > > It's stuff like that that makes it practically impossible to describe

this

> > > > rift to anyone. Would " normal " people find this cruel?

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone have any similar stories?

> > > >

> > > > -Deanna

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

This sums it up: It was like I didn't exist.

May we all heal, blessings, mg

>

> How did it affect me? I suppose I could write a really long post describing

in detail all the ways in which it affected me, but I can sum it up by saying I

grew up, and spent the majority of my early adulthood, believing that I didnt

deserve anything...that I was lucky to get leftovers, that my accomplishments

are actually a mistake and pretty soon they'll take away all I've worked for

cause I dont actually deserve it and it isnt good enough anyway, that to love

myself I had to be some perfect version of myself, that people complimented me

because they wanted something, if I accepted help I was expected to reciprocate

two-fold (therefore I rarely ask for help), that if anything goes wrong in the

world its all my fault and I need to fix it.

>

> In short...that I dont matter unless Im doing something for ANYONE other than

myself.

>

> Im not sure what kind of success your asking about so I cant answer that. What

did the abuse do to me? see above.

>

[Guest guest]

you sound like a great mom, despite your own upbringing !! I chose not to

have kids. I didn't want to do to them what was done to me...and really,

until my early 40'S, mentally/emotionally, I really wouldn't have been ready

for kids...you don't say how old your son is...if he's in his late teens, I

think somethings not right LOL but he sounds young, and you seem to know

what he needs :-)

Jackie

jackie, that is so sad. Nada didn't make sure I brushed my teeth or tuck me

in, read me stories, or anything either. Nada used to threaten to kill

herself if I didn't do as she wanted. When she was mad she'd say to get away

from her before she hurts me. I guess I was lucky to not feel a sense of

abandonment, I gave up on her at a very young age. What I wonder about now

is, how to balance such a terrible childhood with wanting a normal childhood

our own children (those of us who have kids.) My son experienced clinginess

and fear of abandonment due to his father's neglect and abuse and my

depression as a result of it all. When PDex left, my son clung to me like he

never had before (his dad was not in his way any more to stop him.) He

insisted on sleeping in my bed due to his fears. I now have him weaned back

into his own bed but he sleeps nearby. I don't want to coddle him but I

don't want to discourage his healing either. If he needs a lot of

reassurance

right now then I feel it is important to give it to him. I just wonder if I

am not giving in too much sometimes but with all he has been through, how

could I do things any differently? Our T's say that he is experiencing a 2nd

childhood to make up for the lack of safety when his dad was around. He is

free to laugh and play like he never has before. So it's like having a

younger kid until he feels more secure and matures a little. So, I try to

remember all that I lacked as a child and make sure that he doesn't have to

miss out like I did.