Re: Parenting Tips for Froggie

[Guest guest]

hI,

all of teh challenges below are strugles I have encountered. When you have had

trama in your life, we sometimes loose our voice. Sometimes I as myself, what

would this person do in this situation. I am seing a cognitive therapist which

has really helped me move forward from all of the past. I know make decision

that are righ for me and my family. Basically, if something makes you feel

uncomfortable listen to that, make choices for your happyness and your families.

My husband says I am worse with extra presure. I try to work with him to

identify when I feel that way and make changes. He has appreciated that he can

help in the process rather than just watch with concern.

Hôpe this helps.

> >

> > Thank you so so so much. I can't begin to thank you. This is exactly

> what I need.

> > I " m going to try these things. ABout the playdate heads up, I've tried

> that. But I'm just working on being firm. And last playdate she did come

> right away. Hooray. I praise lavishly in such a case.

> > #1. Thank you so much. It really helps to normalize: I don't know what

> normal is. I't's such a relief when I hear what other [people are going

> through and it's the SAME THING. Like at a gathering recently, other

> moms also rolled their eyes and complained about similar sibling rivalry

> issues and kids saying its' not fair.

> > I think from what I'm hearing that I have to be very strong inside and

> firm and gentle outside and not get freaked by what is totally normal

> behavior. LIke my therapist said to me once, you can't believe that

> someone like YOU could have securely attached children. Someone like me

> meaning someone who has gone through what I've gone through.

> > #2. Thank you for this. I don't know if I am or not and maybe it

> doesn't matter. BUt yes I am really concerned and I appreciate so much

> the tone of your email and the practical advice. I thinki what someone

> else said was rignht on the money: I'm too hard on myself and I'm afraid

> of messing up my kids: that's also what my therapist had said to me. I

> just need to know what is normal, what I should do.

> > The one thing that I think in me is problematic is the emotional

> dysregulation I get inside that makes me overeat or shout or need to

> walk out of the room when they're acting up. I think that as I become

> more aware of this churning volcano inside, I can better control it. It

> pains me that I have this, but it used to be worse and then got better.

> Maybe like someone else who posted, I'm heading for a breakthrough in

> therapy or whatever, because the emotions are bubbling up inside again.

> The worst that happens outside is shouting or leaving the room or

> growling. I don't growl so much anymore and I certailnly talk about it

> to my kids ie, we all have things to work on and I'm working on not

> getting angry. And when I'm tired, I'm cranky. Etc. Stuff like that.

> Certainly different than my parents never apologizing or talking about

> it afterwards. What is really awesome I think is that my daughter can

> tell me she doesn't like it when I shout. And when she says

> > you're not scaring me. I tell her I don't want to scare you, I jsut

> want you to listen to me!

> > Parenting tips really help.

> > #12 don't make kid my confidatn: I dont' know why you said that - if

> anything I'd said suggests it, I hope to G_d not, because that's what

> was done to me and I " m very careful not to turn kids against anyone.

> Example I ALWYAYS praise their father to tehm and say to her i hope you

> marry some one like your father. ((Whereas my nada turned me against my

> fada and gossips turning my sister aginast me etc etc etc). If anything

> I said suggests that I use my kid as confidant please please tell me. I

> do recognize that sometiems I treat her more like an adult because she

> is so so bright. and i realize that's what happend to me, but I don't

> cross an inappropriate line, I thought, at least. I have to remind

> myself that intellectually she's 10 or 12Â but emotionally she's 5

> 1/2. I'm just so happy she has friends and other mommies like her and

> that sh'es popular is a good sign. My therapist says I'm doing something

> right if my kids are empathetic. I'm going to really

> > read over this again and agina, what you said sarahs mom, and take it

> to heart. I do take things too seriously, worry too much,

> psychopathologize. My tehrapist said to me I have to hold in my head the

> good stuff while I'm feelign the bad stuff; I have to do reality checks:

> even though now the situation with the kids is really overwhelming,

> remember taht they have friends, they are liked, they are empathetic to

> others and their baby sibling, and even to me and tehir father. So

> normalize it. This splitting --things are all bad or all good--is

> supposedly a symptom of BPD. I know mental health is a continuum, and I

> don't care if I am BPD or not BPD; labels don't matter so much, ahveing

> been mislabeled, I know how silly it is; what matters is the BEHAVIOR

> and teh FUNCTIONING. And I know I have already improved and Please G-d I

> will improve more. Part of teh problem is feeling like I am a label, I

> am mentally ill, deficient, and therefore hopeless.

> > So I really really really appreciate all teh support here and teh

> suggestions. I'm not going to give up the fight: the battle with the

> true enemy within. I learend taht when you feel like you're going to

> give up, the end is in sight. It's certainly taht way with childbirth as

> well: the transition stage.

> > Sorry this so long and rambly. I would respond to all the posts but

> I'm totally exhausted and have a little more work to do before I go to

> sleep. GEtting enough sleep is one thing I know that I can do that helps

> me NOT to be overreactive etc etc.

> > Thank you again. Thank you. I like your last point, as I " m scrolling

> down yet again: don't take yourself so seriously. I have to laugh and

> smile more. That's one of my goals for awhile. I have so many goals.

> Step by step. As long as we're working on it. ANd protecting ourselves

> from other peoples craziness. I think that's the key: realizing the

> shamne and self hatred is not coming from me: it's projections from my

> nada, fada, who hate themselves. I just don't want to G-d forbid give my

> kids those projections. At least I " m conscious of all this. At least we

> have pretty open communication. And I pray.

> > Okay. Goodnight.

> > P.S. Thank you to all the other responses too I just don't have time

> right now to respond to every one individually. I so so so appreciate

> this forum and teh support and knowledge that can be shared. Thank you

> so much to Randi again.

> >

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ __

> > From: sarahsmom72585 krn1957@

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> > Sent: Monday, June 22, 2009 10:31:01 AM

> > Subject: Parenting Tips for Froggie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Froggie,

> >

> > I raised two sons and did a lot of research, reading parenting books,

> attended seminars and parenting classes to avoid behaving like my nada.

> >

> > Here's some suggestions I have for you.

> >

> > K2

> >

> > 1. Do not get freaked out that your daughter might be acting like a

> BPD, that is not likely to be the case. The problem is not that your

> daughter is acting like a borderline; its that your nada acts like a

> child.

> >

> > 2. You are right to be aware of your behavior and that you should not

> abandon, scare or abuse your children. Your fears of being a borderline

> or narcissistic are likely not true...as borderlines don't ever think

> they are wrong nor do they worry about the effect they have on their

> children.

> >

> > 3. Nobody is a model parent! Nobody.

> >

> > 4. You yell at your children because that is what they've trained you

> to do...by their lack of response to normal toned requests.

> > There is a parenting style out there called 1-2-3 Magic and it works.

> > Here is an example:

> > You calmly tell the child to pick up their toys. The first time they

> ignore you...you simply count out loud and say

> > " THAT's ONE " .

> > You calmly ask them again to pick up their toys. THe second time they

> ignore you, you say " THAT's TWO " .

> > You calmly ask them one final time to pick up their toys. If they

> still ignore you, you say " THAT's THREE " ...and on THREE, they receive an

> age appropriate TIME OUT.

> > It doesn't sound very effective, but it does work. After you get to be

> consistent with this method, you'll typically get them to respond on ONE

> or TWO.

> >

> > 5. When your 2.5 year old squirms while you are trying to dress him,

> try singing to him or telling him a story. This will distract him and he

> won't notice that he's being dressed. He'll soon be old enough to try

> doing some of this himself...and if he buttons something wrong or has

> the shoes on the wrong feet...just tell him he did a great job the first

> few times, then after that, help him learn how to do match the right

> shoes to the right feet and the buttons to the right button holes.

> >

> > 6. Your son doesn't likely understand what you mean about it not being

> nice for him to come in while you are dressing. Try telling him that you

> want 5 minutes to be alone while you change your clothes and give him

> something to play with while you do so to distract his attention so he

> doesn't notice your absence.

> >

> > On the other hand I don't think he's quite old enough to be affected

> one way or the other by you dressing in front of him. When my son was 4

> I took him to swim lessons at the YMCA and he had to come into the

> ladies dressing room with me and the class before his was a woman's

> class, so there were many females in there in various stages of getting

> dressed. He didn't really notice anything. Children react to their

> parent's reactions. As long as you don't act like there's anything

> unnatural, he won't feel that way. But that's just my opinion.

> >

> > 7. Here's how to solve the issue of a child not wanting to leave a

> play date. You give them a heads-up that you will be leaving in 5

> minutes. This gives them the ability to mentally prepare to leave before

> the fact and when you do this consistently, every transition you make

> will be much smoother.

> >

> > 8. All children are very self-centered and will try anything to get

> their own way. Effective parenting skills will teach them to become less

> self-centered.

> >

> > 9. Being emotionally expressive is OK. Just don't cater to their

> tantrums or you'll reinforce the behavior. Let them cry, scream, bang

> their head on the floor...but don't give them what they want to make

> them stop. Eventually they'll learn these tactics don't work. The

> trouble with borderlines is that, like my nada, she was catered to as a

> child and she learned these behaviors worked to get her way. So let the

> child express their emotions, just don't reward them.

> >

> > 10. If you don't trust another adult with your kids....listen to your

> gut instincts... they are usually right.

> >

> > 11. Stop trying to psychoanalyze your children...they are too young

> for these disturbances to show up. Just discipline and train them

> properly and don't worry so much. If they get arrested by the age of 8,

> then you need to start psychoanalyzing them...otherwise just trust they

> are normal kids.

> >

> > 12. Don't try to make your children your confidant, or put them in the

> middle between you, your husband or your family.

> >

> > 13. Keep posting, going to therapy, and trying to heal from your

> traumatic childhood. The best gift you can give your children is a

> mentally healthy mother.

> >

> > 14. Take a 30 minute quiet time each morning before the kids get up.

> Read a meditation page, some positive affirmations, or just sit quietly

> and absorb the peace and quiet before your busy day begins. It will do

> wonders!

> >

> > 15. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't take yourself so seriously.

> >

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