Re: On confidence and discipline, and internal turmoil, any ideas?

[Guest guest]

Confidence is a challenge and internal turmoile. Start saying yes to you in all

areas of your life. The more you start to make decisions for you the stronger

you will feel.

> >

> > Thank you so so so much. I can't begin to thank you. This is exactly

> what I need.

> > I " m going to try these things. ABout the playdate heads up, I've tried

> that. But I'm just working on being firm. And last playdate she did come

> right away. Hooray. I praise lavishly in such a case.

> > #1. Thank you so much. It really helps to normalize: I don't know what

> normal is. I't's such a relief when I hear what other [people are going

> through and it's the SAME THING. Like at a gathering recently, other

> moms also rolled their eyes and complained about similar sibling rivalry

> issues and kids saying its' not fair.

> > I think from what I'm hearing that I have to be very strong inside and

> firm and gentle outside and not get freaked by what is totally normal

> behavior. LIke my therapist said to me once, you can't believe that

> someone like YOU could have securely attached children. Someone like me

> meaning someone who has gone through what I've gone through.

> > #2. Thank you for this. I don't know if I am or not and maybe it

> doesn't matter. BUt yes I am really concerned and I appreciate so much

> the tone of your email and the practical advice. I thinki what someone

> else said was rignht on the money: I'm too hard on myself and I'm afraid

> of messing up my kids: that's also what my therapist had said to me. I

> just need to know what is normal, what I should do.

> > The one thing that I think in me is problematic is the emotional

> dysregulation I get inside that makes me overeat or shout or need to

> walk out of the room when they're acting up. I think that as I become

> more aware of this churning volcano inside, I can better control it. It

> pains me that I have this, but it used to be worse and then got better.

> Maybe like someone else who posted, I'm heading for a breakthrough in

> therapy or whatever, because the emotions are bubbling up inside again.

> The worst that happens outside is shouting or leaving the room or

> growling. I don't growl so much anymore and I certailnly talk about it

> to my kids ie, we all have things to work on and I'm working on not

> getting angry. And when I'm tired, I'm cranky. Etc. Stuff like that.

> Certainly different than my parents never apologizing or talking about

> it afterwards. What is really awesome I think is that my daughter can

> tell me she doesn't like it when I shout. And when she says

> > you're not scaring me. I tell her I don't want to scare you, I jsut

> want you to listen to me!

> > Parenting tips really help.

> > #12 don't make kid my confidatn: I dont' know why you said that - if

> anything I'd said suggests it, I hope to G_d not, because that's what

> was done to me and I " m very careful not to turn kids against anyone.

> Example I ALWYAYS praise their father to tehm and say to her i hope you

> marry some one like your father. ((Whereas my nada turned me against my

> fada and gossips turning my sister aginast me etc etc etc). If anything

> I said suggests that I use my kid as confidant please please tell me. I

> do recognize that sometiems I treat her more like an adult because she

> is so so bright. and i realize that's what happend to me, but I don't

> cross an inappropriate line, I thought, at least. I have to remind

> myself that intellectually she's 10 or 12Â but emotionally she's 5

> 1/2. I'm just so happy she has friends and other mommies like her and

> that sh'es popular is a good sign. My therapist says I'm doing something

> right if my kids are empathetic. I'm going to really

> > read over this again and agina, what you said sarahs mom, and take it

> to heart. I do take things too seriously, worry too much,

> psychopathologize. My tehrapist said to me I have to hold in my head the

> good stuff while I'm feelign the bad stuff; I have to do reality checks:

> even though now the situation with the kids is really overwhelming,

> remember taht they have friends, they are liked, they are empathetic to

> others and their baby sibling, and even to me and tehir father. So

> normalize it. This splitting --things are all bad or all good--is

> supposedly a symptom of BPD. I know mental health is a continuum, and I

> don't care if I am BPD or not BPD; labels don't matter so much, ahveing

> been mislabeled, I know how silly it is; what matters is the BEHAVIOR

> and teh FUNCTIONING. And I know I have already improved and Please G-d I

> will improve more. Part of teh problem is feeling like I am a label, I

> am mentally ill, deficient, and therefore hopeless.

> > So I really really really appreciate all teh support here and teh

> suggestions. I'm not going to give up the fight: the battle with the

> true enemy within. I learend taht when you feel like you're going to

> give up, the end is in sight. It's certainly taht way with childbirth as

> well: the transition stage.

> > Sorry this so long and rambly. I would respond to all the posts but

> I'm totally exhausted and have a little more work to do before I go to

> sleep. GEtting enough sleep is one thing I know that I can do that helps

> me NOT to be overreactive etc etc.

> > Thank you again. Thank you. I like your last point, as I " m scrolling

> down yet again: don't take yourself so seriously. I have to laugh and

> smile more. That's one of my goals for awhile. I have so many goals.

> Step by step. As long as we're working on it. ANd protecting ourselves

> from other peoples craziness. I think that's the key: realizing the

> shamne and self hatred is not coming from me: it's projections from my

> nada, fada, who hate themselves. I just don't want to G-d forbid give my

> kids those projections. At least I " m conscious of all this. At least we

> have pretty open communication. And I pray.

> > Okay. Goodnight.

> > P.S. Thank you to all the other responses too I just don't have time

> right now to respond to every one individually. I so so so appreciate

> this forum and teh support and knowledge that can be shared. Thank you

> so much to Randi again.

> >

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ __

> > From: sarahsmom72585 krn1957@

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> > Sent: Monday, June 22, 2009 10:31:01 AM

> > Subject: Parenting Tips for Froggie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Froggie,

> >

> > I raised two sons and did a lot of research, reading parenting books,

> attended seminars and parenting classes to avoid behaving like my nada.

> >

> > Here's some suggestions I have for you.

> >

> > K2

> >

> > 1. Do not get freaked out that your daughter might be acting like a

> BPD, that is not likely to be the case. The problem is not that your

> daughter is acting like a borderline; its that your nada acts like a

> child.

> >

> > 2. You are right to be aware of your behavior and that you should not

> abandon, scare or abuse your children. Your fears of being a borderline

> or narcissistic are likely not true...as borderlines don't ever think

> they are wrong nor do they worry about the effect they have on their

> children.

> >

> > 3. Nobody is a model parent! Nobody.

> >

> > 4. You yell at your children because that is what they've trained you

> to do...by their lack of response to normal toned requests.

> > There is a parenting style out there called 1-2-3 Magic and it works.

> > Here is an example:

> > You calmly tell the child to pick up their toys. The first time they

> ignore you...you simply count out loud and say

> > " THAT's ONE " .

> > You calmly ask them again to pick up their toys. THe second time they

> ignore you, you say " THAT's TWO " .

> > You calmly ask them one final time to pick up their toys. If they

> still ignore you, you say " THAT's THREE " ...and on THREE, they receive an

> age appropriate TIME OUT.

> > It doesn't sound very effective, but it does work. After you get to be

> consistent with this method, you'll typically get them to respond on ONE

> or TWO.

> >

> > 5. When your 2.5 year old squirms while you are trying to dress him,

> try singing to him or telling him a story. This will distract him and he

> won't notice that he's being dressed. He'll soon be old enough to try

> doing some of this himself...and if he buttons something wrong or has

> the shoes on the wrong feet...just tell him he did a great job the first

> few times, then after that, help him learn how to do match the right

> shoes to the right feet and the buttons to the right button holes.

> >

> > 6. Your son doesn't likely understand what you mean about it not being

> nice for him to come in while you are dressing. Try telling him that you

> want 5 minutes to be alone while you change your clothes and give him

> something to play with while you do so to distract his attention so he

> doesn't notice your absence.

> >

> > On the other hand I don't think he's quite old enough to be affected

> one way or the other by you dressing in front of him. When my son was 4

> I took him to swim lessons at the YMCA and he had to come into the

> ladies dressing room with me and the class before his was a woman's

> class, so there were many females in there in various stages of getting

> dressed. He didn't really notice anything. Children react to their

> parent's reactions. As long as you don't act like there's anything

> unnatural, he won't feel that way. But that's just my opinion.

> >

> > 7. Here's how to solve the issue of a child not wanting to leave a

> play date. You give them a heads-up that you will be leaving in 5

> minutes. This gives them the ability to mentally prepare to leave before

> the fact and when you do this consistently, every transition you make

> will be much smoother.

> >

> > 8. All children are very self-centered and will try anything to get

> their own way. Effective parenting skills will teach them to become less

> self-centered.

> >

> > 9. Being emotionally expressive is OK. Just don't cater to their

> tantrums or you'll reinforce the behavior. Let them cry, scream, bang

> their head on the floor...but don't give them what they want to make

> them stop. Eventually they'll learn these tactics don't work. The

> trouble with borderlines is that, like my nada, she was catered to as a

> child and she learned these behaviors worked to get her way. So let the

> child express their emotions, just don't reward them.

> >

> > 10. If you don't trust another adult with your kids....listen to your

> gut instincts... they are usually right.

> >

> > 11. Stop trying to psychoanalyze your children...they are too young

> for these disturbances to show up. Just discipline and train them

> properly and don't worry so much. If they get arrested by the age of 8,

> then you need to start psychoanalyzing them...otherwise just trust they

> are normal kids.

> >

> > 12. Don't try to make your children your confidant, or put them in the

> middle between you, your husband or your family.

> >

> > 13. Keep posting, going to therapy, and trying to heal from your

> traumatic childhood. The best gift you can give your children is a

> mentally healthy mother.

> >

> > 14. Take a 30 minute quiet time each morning before the kids get up.

> Read a meditation page, some positive affirmations, or just sit quietly

> and absorb the peace and quiet before your busy day begins. It will do

> wonders!

> >

> > 15. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't take yourself so seriously.

> >

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