Re: How do I address people asking about my mother?

[Guest guest]

I understand this well. Too, too well... I usually say something along the

lines of, " She's on Facebook, why don't you look her up... "

Puts all the burden of work on the other party while making you look like one

who is simply facilitating a good deed.

Lynnette - one of the " long lost folks " did this and then contaced me again, " I

looked her up - read her posts - she's nuttier than a loon " I just nodded. End

of discussion.

>

> I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The ones

who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said I no longer

speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

>

> But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort of

friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a very simple

one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give details. I am not good

at wording things. I don't want to say " I no longer speak to her " but I don't

want to say " oh, she's fine. "

>

> Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this, without

dodging the question all together, which I think would be more obvious, esp if

these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

I usu say " Still living in the same place, retired, and loving it. "

If they know/ask about her cancer, then I say " She's doing well. You know how

spunky she is! " Something like that. HTH.

> >

> > I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The ones

who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said I no longer

speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

> >

> > But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort of

friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a very simple

one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give details. I am not good

at wording things. I don't want to say " I no longer speak to her " but I don't

want to say " oh, she's fine. "

> >

> > Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this, without

dodging the question all together, which I think would be more obvious, esp if

these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

> >

> > Thanks.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

How about something like. " Oh you know I havent been close to my Mother for many

years. " Then ask a question about them without any break for their comment.

>

> I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The ones

who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said I no longer

speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

>

> But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort of

friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a very simple

one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give details. I am not good

at wording things. I don't want to say " I no longer speak to her " but I don't

want to say " oh, she's fine. "

>

> Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this, without

dodging the question all together, which I think would be more obvious, esp if

these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I'm more inclined to just encourage people to find their own

answers/relationships with her... I won't give her a 'good plug' or a 'bag

plug.' Keeps things a whole lot cleaner.

LYnnette

> > >

> > > I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The

ones who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said I no

longer speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

> > >

> > > But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort of

friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a very simple

one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give details. I am not good

at wording things. I don't want to say " I no longer speak to her " but I don't

want to say " oh, she's fine. "

> > >

> > > Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this, without

dodging the question all together, which I think would be more obvious, esp if

these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

> > >

> > > Thanks.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Here is my script:

My mother has something like an mental illness, which causes a lot of cognitive

distortions. She is very functional on the outside, but is extraordinarily

difficult to deal with up close. I have to avoid contact to stay safe.

The key, I have found, is to say it very calmly with nothing to prove. I

usually let the conversation change from there.

Also, depending on the group, I just avoid it. " Hows my mom? Oh, from what I

hear she's doing great. Having fun with the grandkids and all. "

Then, change the subject calmly. " Say, you look great! What kind of exercise

do you do? "

Sneaky, but works every time.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The ones

who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said I no longer

speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

>

> But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort of

friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a very simple

one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give details. I am not good

at wording things. I don't want to say " I no longer speak to her " but I don't

want to say " oh, she's fine. "

>

> Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this, without

dodging the question all together, which I think would be more obvious, esp if

these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

Here is my script:

My mother has something like an mental illness, which causes a lot of cognitive

distortions. She is very functional on the outside, but is extraordinarily

difficult to deal with up close. I have to avoid contact to stay safe.

The key, I have found, is to say it very calmly with nothing to prove. I

usually let the conversation change from there.

Also, depending on the group, I just avoid it. " Hows my mom? Oh, from what I

hear she's doing great. Having fun with the grandkids and all. "

Then, change the subject calmly. " Say, you look great! What kind of exercise

do you do? "

Sneaky, but works every time.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The ones

who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said I no longer

speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

>

> But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort of

friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a very simple

one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give details. I am not good

at wording things. I don't want to say " I no longer speak to her " but I don't

want to say " oh, she's fine. "

>

> Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this, without

dodging the question all together, which I think would be more obvious, esp if

these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

I used to use a lot of the avoidant techniques. Then one day I said you

know what, I m going to be honest. ( Oh, rapture, it felt soooooo

goood! ) So here is my simple, short, honest answer.

Well , mom has some real emotional and mental health challenges. She is

very troubled.

Basic, don t have to define BPD for them or go into reading excerpts

from my book. But no BS, and provides safe ground from which to say, no

she doesn t live with me, and no I don t see her every day.

To my utter amazement, I found that when I did do, it was like pulling

the cork from a bottle of wine. The aroma filled the room. Wow, I

always knew something was bothering Fran. Yea, you know your mom always

seemed kind of wierd. I knew something was going on but not exactly what

it was. When we were both teenagers your mom wanted to talk about

sexual stuff that was just over the line, and that s why I stopped

coming around your house.

Well, son of a bitch! ( sorry guys, sometimes the sailors comes out)

Maybe, just maybe, if we try to cover and give a generic answer, they

will play along to not offend us. But if we indicate we know nada is

not right, they will acknowledge and validate what we know.

Doug

>

> I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The

ones who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said

I no longer speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

>

> But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort

of friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a

very simple one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give

details. I am not good at wording things. I don't want to say " I no

longer speak to her " but I don't want to say " oh, she's fine. "

>

> Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this,

without dodging the question all together, which I think would be more

obvious, esp if these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

Doug,

I do this with people who are genuinely " my " people.... long lost childhood

friends, some relatives who ask a little more specifically... but with the

people who are simply asking as a passing interest, no - I stick with the " She's

on FB, give her a look-sie. " It's better for my heart to let most people

discover " it " for themselves (and yes, it's readily apparent.)

LYnnette

> >

> > I have been catching up with some old friends from my school days. The

> ones who were close enough to my situation were not suprised when I said

> I no longer speak to my mother, they saw it when I was a kid.

> >

> > But there are some acquantainces who even had parents that were sort

> of friends with nada. They are going to ask how she is, and I need a

> very simple one line sentence that isn't dishonest, but doesn't give

> details. I am not good at wording things. I don't want to say " I no

> longer speak to her " but I don't want to say " oh, she's fine. "

> >

> > Any advice on steering clear of the judgement I'll get on this,

> without dodging the question all together, which I think would be more

> obvious, esp if these people have " heard thru the grapevine.. "

> >

> > Thanks.

> >

>