anxiety disorders in ACOBPD

[Guest guest]

I was finally dx'd with anxiety and PTSD. I feel blessed that I don't have panic

attacks like you see on TV with people hyperventilating and thinking they are

gonna die. I just get waves of adrenaline (sp?) that tingle over my head and

arms, I get dizzy and I feel like I might faint, but I KNOW I'm not, so I can

usu just breathe slowly for a few minutes and it will pass. I've had this for

about 20 years now, but htankfully I only get it like 10x a year. But the day to

day worry, anxiety, and hypervigilance is driving me INSANE. I feel like I am

100 years old. I sit and stare or think and wonder all kinds of things in my

head. I run conversations past or future over and over in my head. I can't

relax.

This has been exacerbated by my current goal of trying to apply for college to

finish my degree. My poor husband! LOL! Last night I spent an hour consciously

calming and breathing before bed. Just as I was about to turn out the light, my

dh asked about my college application. I freaked out and it took another TWO

HOURS to fall asleep. It feels like everything is CRAP and I am PARALYZED in

this spot. I walk from room to room, and get nothing accomplished. I think of

all kinds of things to google-like the summer range of the indigo bunting, or

what various things I could make with lentils, how to save $5 on our phone bill,

where I can get free pallets, the current traffic conditions in the town my

husband is working in, and I will spend hours on stupid stuff like that.

Many people think I am wasting my life away-I feel so busy and overwhelmed with

caring for our 4 children, yet I get almost nothing done each day, which

compunds the feeling of despair and being overwhelmed...and on and on.

I have a HUGE ToDo list in my head. I hardly get any of it done at all-ever.

Then I feel like a bad person.

My therapist asked me why being called LAZY is one of my biggest triggers. I

think it's because Nada never let me have down time. If I was doing something

that she didn't consider " worthwhile " or she didn't benefit from it directly, I

was called lazy. She had no problem letting my little bros watch TV all day and

night, but if I watched more than one program I was LAZY. She often put me to

work cleaning or doing yard work. I had to at least LOOK busy all the time.

The current situation is that I may seem *phyisically* LAZY, but I am spending

ALL DAY trying to figure out sh!t in my head. After I gave birth to my children

(and nada lived in an inlaw apt in our house) she was CONSTANTLY pushing me to

do more, get more done in my day. I had 4 children ages 5,5,3,and newborn. I was

getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night (for years!) and she kept telling me that my

house was messy, dirty, that I didn't spend enough time doing the laundry or

doing the dishes, etc. Around that time we found out that our twins were

autistic and that just COMPOUNDED the amt of work I had to do my like 1000. She

never let up. She rode my back ALL DAY, criticized EVERYTHING I did or said. I

could NEVER get away from her, or my special needs children (I love them, but

they were prone to violent tantrums that often left me with scars and/or broken

toys and furniture. After a lifetime of this anxiety I am competely exhausted.

Even tho the children have been getting better and nada is barely in my life at

all, I am completely worn out at 35.

I can't seem to get MY LIFE back. I just sit here and stare out the window at

the birds, or make a list of all the stuff that NEEDS to get done, but I don't

have the energy to do.

I feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. How do you get rid of anxiety? How do you

discover self esteem for the 1st time? How do you imitate a REGULAR person when

you have never felt like one? I am becoming more and more worn out with every

passing day.