nada wants to retire but has no $$$..what is my responsibility?

[Guest guest]

I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My siblings

and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale of bpd I'd say she's

probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad as some I've heard of but

definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made terrible financial (and other)

decisions her whole adult life, all of which impacted me, my siblings, and our

childhoods. I'm now 43, in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

financially but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit working

completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who believe in that disease)

and this limits her mobility severely so going to work every day is physically

very difficult for her. Her social security check alone will not cover her

living expenses. When I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she

said " I figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her whole life, why

she has no retirement money, and why she's now in the predicament she's in. She

has dropped hints in the past about living 4 months a year with each of her

kids, at least until my husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank

god for him.) So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

her financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I don't think

she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her life up so much and

screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly become homeless? I have no idea

what to do and would love some suggestions from any of you who have dealt with

this. Thank you.

[Guest guest]

you are not responsible for your nada, period. If you want to and can

afford to help her out, fine, but you are not required to. As for my nada,

I would let her become homeless. I know that sound cold and heartless, but

she's given money to all my siblings except me ( she thought I wouldn't find

out ???) and once I asked to borrow $2,000 with the promise it would be

paid back within 6 months..she didn't even hesitate or pretend to think it

over, she flat out said " no way, I will not lend you $2,000!! " and yet

she's " loaned " $10,000 to my oldest sister, and that will never be paid

back, she's given money to my other sister and both brothers before ( over

$5,000) and only the oldest brother ever paid her back...but she hasn't

given me a dime since I got married and moved out ( unless it was the $25

for birthday and Christmas, which she gave my sibling more for theirs)

Jackie

I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale of bpd

I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad as some I've

heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made terrible financial

(and other) decisions her whole adult life, all of which impacted me, my

siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43, in a healthy marriage with two

small kids, and doing ok financially but we're not rich by any means. My

mother is now 69, single, still working, and has almost no money in

retirement. She wants to quit working completely. She has fibromyalgia

(for those of you who believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility

severely so going to work every day is physically very difficult for her.

Her social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When I

asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I figure it will

just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of head-in-the-clouds

decision making is what she's been doing her whole life, why she has no

retirement money, and why she's now in the predicament she's in. She has

dropped hints in the past about living 4 months a year with each of her

kids, at least until my husband told her she could never live with us.

(Thank god for him.) So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I

supposed to help her financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want

to, and I don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly become

homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some suggestions from

any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately in some states you can be held responsible for

supporting an elderly parent. Yeah, I know. It sucks and is totally

unfair.

There is a terrific source of information and advice about elderly

parents at the support board run by Mike Gamble.

Many posters are dealing with mentally ill parents and they are

completely aware of the difficulties caused by aging nuts.

The site is http://mikegamble.websitetoolbox.com

Sent from my blueberry.

> I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

> siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok financially

> but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

> working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When

> I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for him.)

> So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help her

> financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh. In what states does this take effect?

-Joy

>

> > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

> > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok financially

> > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

> > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When

> > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for him.)

> > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help her

> > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure if this varies from state to state,but if your nada is declared

indigent (has no equity like a house or assets like a bank account) and over the

age of 65 with a health issue,Medicare can provide a nursing home placement.At

least then she wouldn't be homeless and would have three meals a day although I

don't think they get to pick which nursing home they go to.An Elder law attorney

could tell you more.

>

> > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

> > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok financially

> > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

> > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When

> > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for him.)

> > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help her

> > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Amy - Being held financially responsible for a free-spending, crazy parent

sounds like a total nightmare. It might be a good idea to talk to an eldercare

attorney just to find out how to protect yourself from further financial

victimization.

As a practical matter, your mother could do what anybody else does when they're

tight on cash - get a roommate. There should be some senior resource services

through your state or county - they may have a list of house-sharing registries

that would be safer than Craigslist, and focused on older people who are able to

live independently but need to conserve their money. And there's subsidized

houseing, some of which is barrier-free. Of course, BPD's run through

relationships, so a roommate situation would go sour quickly. But that would be

her problem, not yours.

I'm in the same boat, but since I have no money she's stopped bugging me. I

told her if she couldn't live independently, we'd have to find her a nursing

home bed that took Medicaid. She quit pushing to live with me after that.

> >

> > > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

> > > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok financially

> > > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

> > > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When

> > > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for him.)

> > > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help her

> > > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you . I'll check out the website. Thanks to all of you for your

responses. Amy

>

> > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

> > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok financially

> > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

> > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When

> > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for him.)

> > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help her

> > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I really don't know what to say about this situation except that it really

depends

on what you want to do. You are not responsible. But if you feel there is

something

you need to do, you could talk with your siblings and see if they are willing to

help

or discuss it and figure out a plan. I realize that when the mother was not a

good mother

her children may not want to help her; and that is valid. It is one of those

things you will

have to give a lot of thought to...

What do your siblings think?

~patricia

nada wants to retire but has no $$$..what is my

responsibility?

I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My siblings

and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale of bpd I'd say she's

probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad as some I've heard of but

definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made terrible financial (and other)

decisions her whole adult life, all of which impacted me, my siblings, and our

childhoods. I'm now 43, in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

financially but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit working

completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who believe in that disease)

and this limits her mobility severely so going to work every day is physically

very difficult for her. Her social security check alone will not cover her

living expenses. When I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she

said " I figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her whole life, why

she has no retirement money, and why she's now in the predicament she's in. She

has dropped hints in the past about living 4 months a year with each of her

kids, at least until my husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank

god for him.) So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

her financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I don't think

she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her life up so much and

screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly become homeless? I have no idea

what to do and would love some suggestions from any of you who have dealt with

this. Thank you.

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this link - do you know which states or how to find out?

>

> > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My

> > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok financially

> > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

> > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses. When

> > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for him.)

> > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help her

> > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy, does your mother own a house? a car? how much does she have in the

bank? If all of that adds up to next to nothing and she's living paycheck to

paycheck, she will qualify for elderly subsidized housing. Try finding your

local council on aging to find out what benefits are available to poor elderly

in your city/state. Usually there's something. In my situation I did spend

some of my own money to get my mother's living situation changed so that it

would become stable/sustainable. But the goal is to get to where you absolutely

are not contributing to her monthly living expenses. You don't know how long

she'll live and you don't know what you and your husband's retirement needs will

be and you might want to save some to help your kids out too.

>

> I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My siblings

and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale of bpd I'd say she's

probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad as some I've heard of but

definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made terrible financial (and other)

decisions her whole adult life, all of which impacted me, my siblings, and our

childhoods. I'm now 43, in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

financially but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit working

completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who believe in that disease)

and this limits her mobility severely so going to work every day is physically

very difficult for her. Her social security check alone will not cover her

living expenses. When I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she

said " I figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her whole life, why

she has no retirement money, and why she's now in the predicament she's in. She

has dropped hints in the past about living 4 months a year with each of her

kids, at least until my husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank

god for him.) So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

her financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I don't think

she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her life up so much and

screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly become homeless? I have no idea

what to do and would love some suggestions from any of you who have dealt with

this. Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Joy,

30 states have these filial responsibility laws. They are frightening

and unfair. However both parent and child must live in the same state

- if a child lives where there is not law then the law doesn't apply.

Regarding elders without much income, though, there are many ways they

can get help including food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized elder

housing, veterans aid and attendance, etc.

Sorry I am alarming people - I was horrified when I first heard about

these laws!

Sent from my blueberry.

> Oh my gosh. In what states does this take effect?

>

> -Joy

>

>

> >

> > > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes.

> My

> > > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

> financially

> > > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single,

> still

> > > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses.

> When

> > > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for

> him.)

> > > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

> her

> > > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Easy, deep breath. The law is on the books in 30 states, antiquated

hold overs from an England. Howver

Historically, filial responsibility laws have rarely been enforced, and

in some states have not been enforced at all. Since the 1960s, federal

law [united States Code Title 42, §1396a(a)(17)(D)] has prevented the

states from considering the financial responsibility of any individual

(except a spouse) in determining the eligibility of an applicant or

recipient of Medicaid or other poverty programs. Besides the politically

sensitive nature of filial responsibility laws, this is probably the

major reason the laws are not uniformly enforced.

If you think it is a concern in your state, do some research and find

out. You can take legal steps to sever the relationship in the same way

parental rights can be terminated for an abusive or neglectful parent by

a court. And if life were fair, that would have been done for most of us

as children.

You can also, without nada s knowledge or consent, purchase and

maintiain long term care insurance to cover those needs, and life

insurance with yourself as beneficiary.

But for someone with a highly financial irresponsible parent, who spends

and dribbles themselves into trouble all their life, and then even in

retirement won t make financial decisions that are sound, the idea of

being forced to be financially responsible for them is anathema to KO s.

The final F... job, they pull themselves into a financial morass, and

force us down the rabbit hole with them! I think most of us would give

away all our money, divorce, burn down our house, and tell the cops to

come get us from under the bridge first!

But perhaps I exaggerate.

Still, speaking as an expert in dealing with BP s, which I am, having

spent 54 years in training, may I suggest a simple strategem? Simply

let it be known to nada that if you were ever to be responsible for her

care and bills, you would OF COURSE, be in total charge, managing all

her money, demanding power of attorney, receiving all her checks from

any source, giving her no rights to spend or charge a thin dime without

your permission. In short, moms, if you want to become a child in your

retirement, and be cared for , as you F ing well SHOULD have but didnt,

care for me when I was a child, then a child you shall be. You don t

get to be what a BP is, an adult body, adult rights, but childish

decisions.

If she knows you will assert control if she moves in with your receives

money from you, she ll run like a scalded dog from you.

Furthermore, don t assume she will be homeless. BP s are without shame

or inhibition, they will ask or demand money and goods from sources that

would shock you, and GET IT.

And there are senior retirement homes, such as the one my nada finally

moved into, after several evictions, which are supported and provide

income based rent and utility payments. I know of residents living

there who are on a SS check only. However the waiting lists are usually

rather long, up to a year. I urged nada for 2 years before she finally

got on the list.

I would also point out that my aunt, nada s sister, is 75, has had colon

cancer, and is still working in a hardware store the max hours she can

while on SS. Remember, NADAS LOVE TO PLAY THE VICTIM!

Doug

> >

> > > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes.

My

> > > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

financially

> > > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single,

still

> > > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses.

When

> > > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for

him.)

> > > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

her

> > > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Amy you are not responsible for her bad decisions. You are not responisible to

provide a comfortable retirement. That was her responsibility. She will just

need to change her lifestyle to fit her social security. Many people do.

>

> I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My siblings

and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale of bpd I'd say she's

probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad as some I've heard of but

definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made terrible financial (and other)

decisions her whole adult life, all of which impacted me, my siblings, and our

childhoods. I'm now 43, in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

financially but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit working

completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who believe in that disease)

and this limits her mobility severely so going to work every day is physically

very difficult for her. Her social security check alone will not cover her

living expenses. When I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she

said " I figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her whole life, why

she has no retirement money, and why she's now in the predicament she's in. She

has dropped hints in the past about living 4 months a year with each of her

kids, at least until my husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank

god for him.) So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

her financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I don't think

she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her life up so much and

screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly become homeless? I have no idea

what to do and would love some suggestions from any of you who have dealt with

this. Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

That is terrifying - is there a way to get around them? Like, if you divorce

your parent legally - before they come calling for $ - does that prevent them

from taking your money? Why should you be forced to help someone from whom you

are legally estranged?

> > >

> > > > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes.

> > My

> > > > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale

> > > > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad

> > > > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made

> > > > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult life, all

> > > > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm now 43,

> > > > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

> > financially

> > > > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single,

> > still

> > > > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit

> > > > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > > > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility severely so

> > > > going to work every day is physically very difficult for her. Her

> > > > social security check alone will not cover her living expenses.

> > When

> > > > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > > > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

> > > > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her

> > > > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's now in

> > > > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past about

> > > > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until my

> > > > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for

> > him.)

> > > > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

> > her

> > > > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I

> > > > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her

> > > > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly

> > > > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > > > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank you.

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

When I was young my nada *groomed* me be to believe it was my JOB to take care

of her as she got older, got sick, and to help her retire.She has not asked the

same of my other 3 siblings, even tho I am the ONLY ONE who hasn't worked for

the last 12 years. All the others are in a position to HELP-none of them had

children until a few months ago!!! I had 4 before I was 30. When I was 25 she

came sobbing to me, telling me that she wasn't going to live much longer (she

has been diabetic since age 9) and that she had no retirement. She never saved

for retirement because she thought she would die young. She also didn't want to

" be all alone. " I felt horrible for her and sold my home, bought hers for just

about face value(she had remortgaged it several times)and my husband built her

an inlaw apt. (She asked for 1/2 the profit from the sale and was P!SSED when I

told her NO WAY.) She robbed us blind while we lived there for 7 years. We paid

the mortgage and most of the utilities for the last 5 years. We paid over 75K

dollars towards the house, repairs, upgrades, etc and had to GIVE her an

additional 10K to get her to allow us off the deed. Even tho she kept the house,

and did not give us a DIME of equity, we paid down the mortgage and the house is

worth 2x what she now owes, she says we RUINED her financially. She went on

trips to Italy, Ireland, and bought just about EVERYTHING she wanted while we

were there. We lived paycheck to pay check, did not take more than a day trip to

the shore and left behind everything that we bought together for the house

(snowblower, lawn tractor, etc.) and had to start all over again. My guess is,

with your mom it will be the same as it was with mine-give an inch and she will

take a mile. If I agreed to pay for 1/2 of some cheap blueberry bushes, she came

home with FOUR $75ea bushes. When I would refuse to pay because she didn't do

what we agreed on she would throw MAJOR temper tantrums until I gave in. We are

now 33 and 35 and have about $400 saved towards our retirement. We had to wipe

out our 401K in order to get out of dodge. My guess is that NO MATTER WHAT YOU

DO for your nada it WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH. That's the way it has been with my

nada. A year after we moved away she tried to sue us for a new roof because we

had " used up " the other one in the 7 years we lived there. When I reminded her

that we gave her 10K, for *exactly* this kind of emergency she told me that she

had spent it all, so she was going to sue us. Eventually my husband told her

that he would find a few friends to put her roof on for free, if she bought the

materials. She was an ABSOLUTE terror while he was there and that is THE LAST

FREAKIN' THING we will ever do for her.

Her retirement plan was for ME to save her, and pay for EVERYTHING. That was her

PLAN. She told me that a few weeks ago. She told me that I AGREED to pay FOR

EVERYTHING-even utilites for my then teenaged brothers so she could retire

comfortably. She hasn't FOR ONE FRIGGIN' SECOND, thought about how that would

render me completely penniless and unable to care for my 4 children. Ugh. Money

and Nadas don't mix.They have a sense of entitlement that no dollar amt can

appease. She's made her bed. Now, Let her lay in it. Just my 2 cents.

>

> I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here goes. My siblings

and I have limited contact with our nada and on the scale of bpd I'd say she's

probably in the middle somewhere - not as bad as some I've heard of but

definitely whacked. Anyway, she has made terrible financial (and other)

decisions her whole adult life, all of which impacted me, my siblings, and our

childhoods. I'm now 43, in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

financially but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single, still

working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to quit working

completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who believe in that disease)

and this limits her mobility severely so going to work every day is physically

very difficult for her. Her social security check alone will not cover her

living expenses. When I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she

said " I figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This type of

head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing her whole life, why

she has no retirement money, and why she's now in the predicament she's in. She

has dropped hints in the past about living 4 months a year with each of her

kids, at least until my husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank

god for him.) So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to help

her financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to, and I don't think

she deserves any help anyway because she's screwed her life up so much and

screwed me up too. But do I let her possibly become homeless? I have no idea

what to do and would love some suggestions from any of you who have dealt with

this. Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

why should you be foreced to help them anyway ?? and what if you live in a

state that does not have that law, but they do ?? How do you find out which

stats they are ?

Jackie

That is terrifying - is there a way to get around them? Like, if you divorce

your parent legally - before they come calling for $ - does that prevent

them from taking your money? Why should you be forced to help someone from

whom you are legally estranged?

[Guest guest]

As Doug correctly pointed out the laws are rarely pursued. But because

they exist I believe it's wise to begin as you mean to go on - if you

have no intention of supporting or helping to support an elderly

parent, don't start.

Mainly just be aware of what you are signing if you ever go with them

to a medical facility, etc., so you haven't agreed to anything.

Sometimes they try to get adult children to sign papers saying we will

be responsible for the bills.

I'm going through some of this now. Arghh.

Sent from my blueberry.

>

> That is terrifying - is there a way to get around them? Like, if you

> divorce your parent legally - before they come calling for $ - does

> that prevent them from taking your money? Why should you be forced

> to help someone from whom you are legally estranged?

>

>

> > > >

> > > > > I don't know if anybody can help me with this one but here

> goes.

> > > My

> > > > > siblings and I have limited contact with our nada and on the

> scale

> > > > > of bpd I'd say she's probably in the middle somewhere - not

> as bad

> > > > > as some I've heard of but definitely whacked. Anyway, she

> has made

> > > > > terrible financial (and other) decisions her whole adult

> life, all

> > > > > of which impacted me, my siblings, and our childhoods. I'm

> now 43,

> > > > > in a healthy marriage with two small kids, and doing ok

> > > financially

> > > > > but we're not rich by any means. My mother is now 69, single,

> > > still

> > > > > working, and has almost no money in retirement. She wants to

> quit

> > > > > working completely. She has fibromyalgia (for those of you who

> > > > > believe in that disease) and this limits her mobility

> severely so

> > > > > going to work every day is physically very difficult for

> her. Her

> > > > > social security check alone will not cover her living

> expenses.

> > > When

> > > > > I asked her what she plans to do to pay her bills, she said " I

> > > > > figure it will just work itself out somehow, sigh. " This

> type of

> > > > > head-in-the-clouds decision making is what she's been doing

> her

> > > > > whole life, why she has no retirement money, and why she's

> now in

> > > > > the predicament she's in. She has dropped hints in the past

> about

> > > > > living 4 months a year with each of her kids, at least until

> my

> > > > > husband told her she could never live with us. (Thank god for

> > > him.)

> > > > > So what exactly is my responsibility here? Am I supposed to

> help

> > > her

> > > > > financially so she can retire? I certainly don't want to,

> and I

> > > > > don't think she deserves any help anyway because she's

> screwed her

> > > > > life up so much and screwed me up too. But do I let her

> possibly

> > > > > become homeless? I have no idea what to do and would love some

> > > > > suggestions from any of you who have dealt with this. Thank

> you.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

this is similar to my nada...she is furious with me because I have not

told my husband to take care of my animals,left him and traveled the 425

miles alone to where they live to take care of her and my father...rather

than allow us to pay for someone to come everyday to help, nada instead,

put father in a nursing home and blames ME for it!!

Jackie

When I was young my nada *groomed* me be to believe it was my JOB to take

care of her as she got older, got sick, and to help her retire.She has not

asked the same of my other 3 siblings, even tho I am the ONLY ONE who hasn't

worked for the last 12 years. All the others are in a position to HELP-none

of them had children until a few months ago!!! I had 4 before I was 30.

When I was 25 she came sobbing to me, telling me that she wasn't going to

live much longer (she has been diabetic since age 9) and that she had no

retirement. She never saved for retirement because she thought she would die

young. She also didn't want to " be all alone. " I felt horrible for her and

sold my home, bought hers for just about face value(she had remortgaged it

several times)and my husband built her an inlaw apt. (She asked for 1/2 the

profit from the sale and was P!SSED when I told her NO WAY.) She robbed us

blind while we lived there for 7 years. We paid the mortgage and most of the

utilities for the last 5 years. We paid over 75K dollars towards the house,

repairs, upgrades, etc and had to GIVE her an additional 10K to get her to

allow us off the deed. Even tho she kept the house, and did not give us a

DIME of equity, we paid down the mortgage and the house is worth 2x what she

now owes, she says we RUINED her financially. She went on trips to Italy,

Ireland, and bought just about EVERYTHING she wanted while we were there. We

lived paycheck to pay check, did not take more than a day trip to the shore

and left behind everything that we bought together for the house

(snowblower, lawn tractor, etc.) and had to start all over again. My guess

is, with your mom it will be the same as it was with mine-give an inch and

she will take a mile. If I agreed to pay for 1/2 of some cheap blueberry

bushes, she came home with FOUR $75ea bushes. When I would refuse to pay

because she didn't do what we agreed on she would throw MAJOR temper

tantrums until I gave in. We are now 33 and 35 and have about $400 saved

towards our retirement. We had to wipe out our 401K in order to get out of

dodge. My guess is that NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO for your nada it WILL NEVER BE

ENOUGH. That's the way it has been with my nada. A year after we moved away

she tried to sue us for a new roof because we had " used up " the other one in

the 7 years we lived there. When I reminded her that we gave her 10K, for

*exactly* this kind of emergency she told me that she had spent it all, so

she was going to sue us. Eventually my husband told her that he would find a

few friends to put her roof on for free, if she bought the materials. She

was an ABSOLUTE terror while he was there and that is THE LAST FREAKIN'

THING we will ever do for her.

Her retirement plan was for ME to save her, and pay for EVERYTHING. That was

her PLAN. She told me that a few weeks ago. She told me that I AGREED to pay

FOR EVERYTHING-even utilites for my then teenaged brothers so she could

retire comfortably. She hasn't FOR ONE FRIGGIN' SECOND, thought about how

that would render me completely penniless and unable to care for my 4

children. Ugh. Money and Nadas don't mix.They have a sense of entitlement

that no dollar amt can appease. She's made her bed. Now, Let her lay in it.

Just my 2 cents.