Re: UGHHHH Nada wants to come to my graduation!!!! (in fact, she's forcing it)

[Guest guest]

I think at this point all you can do is block her phone number and her e-mail,

and ignore her if she does show up at your graduation. I'm glad for you that

your dad and your sister understand and will be there to support you. Other

than getting a restraining order taken out against her (which probably won't be

possible unless your mother has made public threats to harm you), ignoring her

is about all you can do. I'm so sorry that you're having to endure the

unwanted, intrusive presence of an abuser at your graduation.

Congrats on your graduation, by the way, and best wishes to you.

-Annie

>

> Hello all,

>

> I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

>

> My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC with and

have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as my mother " to just

show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or spoken to nada in 2 years

for good reason: because she made my life a living hell. She's managed to ruin

every occasion that's been about me: my high school graduation, prom etc. I had

this hope that maybe since I was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have

maybe just enough sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> A) Not welcome

> I will be miserable

> C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates you and

doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive crazy " mother " ).

>

> Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada that it is

a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come along. Get this,

Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because she cannot drive to

places she has never been to.

>

> What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to CALL ME I

nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER. I don't know what

I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY graduation, this is not

about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about her.

>

> Please help.

>

> -

>

[Guest guest]

Not sure how long until graduation, but some steps you can take

Send registered letter, ideally from an attorney, telling her not to

call you.

Also, ask attny about restraining order based on her stalking.

She does not have to make an actual threat for a restraining order, if

it can be established that you have a reasonable cause for fear of her.

Contact university/college security. I m sure they have experience with

estranged and unwelcome family attending graduations. Most graduations

I have seen in recent years have somewhat limited seating and uninvited

guests may have to stand or sit some good way back from invited guests.

Whatever assistance they will offer, take it. Let them know she is

unwelcome, and mentally unbalanced. Provide them with a picture. If

they are not able to forbid her attending, they can at least be prepared

to remove her at once is she creates any sort of disturbance.

Good luck.

Doug

>

> Hello all,

>

> I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

>

> My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> A) Not welcome

> I will be miserable

> C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

crazy " mother " ).

>

> Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

>

> What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

her.

>

> Please help.

>

> -

>

[Guest guest]

Great advice Doug!

I didn't speak to my BPD mother the first 3 yrs of my current marriage, not

having her at my wedding was the best gift I could have ever given myself. The

enjoyment of the day outwayed the guilt.

If she does show up, hopefully the security can take care of it. Ignore her and

don't let her spoil YOUR day!

Congrats on your accomplishment,

Steph

> >

> > Hello all,

> >

> > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> >

> > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

> with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

> spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

> my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

> was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > A) Not welcome

> > I will be miserable

> > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

> you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> crazy " mother " ).

> >

> > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

> along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

> she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> >

> > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

> I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

> her.

> >

> > Please help.

> >

> > -

> >

>

[Guest guest]

- Not sure about your school, but the big universities (and even the

bigger high schools around here)only give each graduate 2 to 4 invitations for

family members - and you can't be seated in the stadium or gym (or wherever

they're holding the ceremony) unless you have that invitation - in which case,

just don't send her one, then make plans to meet your invited family members

somewhere off campus (where Nada can't find you) afterward. And yes, notify

campus security so if she shows up and starts acting nuts, they won't fall for

her sob story about you " forgetting " to give her the invitation.

Congratulations - this is a huge day for you, you deserve to celebrate it in

joy, without fear or anxiety.

> >

> > Hello all,

> >

> > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> >

> > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

> with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

> spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

> my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

> was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > A) Not welcome

> > I will be miserable

> > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

> you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> crazy " mother " ).

> >

> > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

> along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

> she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> >

> > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

> I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

> her.

> >

> > Please help.

> >

> > -

> >

>

[Guest guest]

and Doug,

Sadly, my university is small and private, but I have e-mailed the Dean of

Students to see if she can give me any information. I really hope they can help

me.

Doug, my Dad seems to think that I will not be able to get a restraining order

against someone who has never physically harmed me. The thing is, as we all know

with all nadas, the emotional and verbal abuse is just as threatening. The mere

presence of nada makes me distraught. I am worried that she will come up and try

to talk to me or touch me or something. I'm worried she'll either make a scene

of " pretend " in front of all my friends and guests that she's " normal " and act

like it's not unusual for her to show up unwanted to the graduation of a

daughter who hasn't seen her in two years by CHOICE.

There MUST be a way to keep someone away from you if they are forcing themselves

on you. If you tell someone to stay away from you and they do not comply, is

that stalking? If they call you and you tell them not to is that also stalking?

I'm only 21 and don't really feel very informed about legal matters in regards

to nada. I only go by what my Dad tells me, and like I said, he basically thinks

that we can't get a restraining order. He thinks we'd get laughed at by the

legal system.

-

> > >

> > > Hello all,

> > >

> > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > >

> > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

> > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

> > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

> > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

> > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > A) Not welcome

> > > I will be miserable

> > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

> > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> > crazy " mother " ).

> > >

> > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

> > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

> > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > >

> > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

> > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

> > her.

> > >

> > > Please help.

> > >

> > > -

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey!

I also go to a small private university, and because my Nada hasn't physically

harmed or threatened to harm me in years, I don't qualify for a restraining

order either, BUT here's what you *can* try.

First of all, kudos for talking to the Dean of Students, that was my first step

when I tried to keep my Nada away from me/campus. The Dean(s) are great

resources and are used to giving support AND advice in these situations. (The

Dean I spoke to knew I was having a rough time, so she took me out to lunch,

asked what was going on, and gave me great advice and reassurance).

Second of all, because your school is private, it can issue orders of trespass

( " trespass someone " ; " Mr. X has been trespassed from campus " ; etc). A trespass

is a civil order stating that an individual is prohibited from setting foot on

campus. Once the person has been notified of the trespass, if they choose to

come onto campus it becomes a criminal offense. As long as they don't come onto

campus (violate the order) it stays off their record, and future employers, etc

can't see it (in case you're worried about that like I was).

If you want to pursue a trespass, TALK TO YOUR DEAN and CAMPUS SECURITY! My Dean

told me about going to campus security. You can have them send the order of

trespass to your Nada (certified mail so that they know when she has picked it

up) or hold on to it and physically serve it to her if she shows up. I wasn't

sure if my Nada would follow up on her threats, and I worried that mailing her

an order would increase her abandonment issues and make my situation worse, so

campus police are hanging onto the order, and I told all my friends to call the

campus police if she shows up.

Lastly, I think you're making a good, informed decision, and I'm so glad your

family supports that. My memories of high school graduation (from boarding

school) are tarnished by Nada's behaviors. She " forced " me to wear a piece of

tartan fabric on the back of my dress for my dead granny (she said that my

granny had asked her to; and she did the same)--this was at a reception/ceremony

the night before the official graduation ceremony. My granny was English (though

my grandad was ish). It was humiliating, and the people in my class made

fun of me. My Nada said that if I didn't wear it, she wouldn't come to the

official ceremony the next day. I still wish I had said, " fine, miss it if you

want; that's your decision. my decision is to not wear the tartan. " After the

ceremony, he wanted to go to lunch somewhere fancy, and the only place I knew of

(I had never been to) was full, so I mentioned my favorite cafe in town that she

had never been to. It wasn't super fancy, and I got all the attention because I

was still in my graduation dress and wearing leis, etc (my school was in

hawaii). Nada wasn't happy. She made me take pictures of her (instead of the

other way around... *I* was the one who graduated), then when we got to the

cafe, she complained about EVERYTHING: the location, the food, the service, on

and on and on... The same thing (almost exactly) happened at my (involuntary)

confirmation (kind of like a bat mitzvah for Christians). She was the one who

made me get confirmed, but she made EVERYTHING about her, and actually canceled

the celebratory lunch plans (by that I mean lunch at my favorite, relatively

inexpensive restaurant with my grandma, my Nada, and me... something we had done

multiple times for non-special-occasions and whenever Nada wanted to). She

decided *she* didn't want to go half-way through the drive to the restaurant. My

grandma tried to convince her otherwise, then she flat out refused to go. My

college graduation date was recently revised (I'll be graduating at least one

semester early), and my Nada doesn't know yet (and hopefully will never find

out). I will NOT be sending her an invite, but I'm hoping the relationships I'm

kindling with formerly estranged family members will blossom enough that I can

invite them =)

Good luck, congratulations, and keep on trekkin!

-Frances

> > > >

> > > > Hello all,

> > > >

> > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > >

> > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

> > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

> > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

> > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

> > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > I will be miserable

> > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

> > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > >

> > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

> > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

> > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > >

> > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

> > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

> > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Please help.

> > > >

> > > > -

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

P.S. I know what your dad means about " getting laughed at " by the legal system.

Restraining orders are for physical forms of abuse only, which is sad for KOs

and other people subject to emotional/verbal abuse, unhealthy relationships, and

other less-tangible things that are JUST AS HARMFUL! I felt very bitter about

this for a while, but then I thought about the laws from another perspective.

My nada, LOVES distortion campaigns, and she has a lot of weight to throw

around. She has made lasting negative impacts on the lives of SO many people

(marriages, family relationships, criminal records, etc...) with and without

restraining orders. Imagine if Nadas, Fadas, and BPs in general could claim

emotional/verbal abuse as grounds for a restraining order? My Nada genuinely

believes that she is the blameless victim and that other people were just

viciously trying to hurt her.

Restraining orders stay on your CRIMINAL record. Employers see them, financial

aid offices see them, etc (that's what I've heard, anyways). It's SO hard to

disprove emotional/verbal abuse if you've been accused of it. I don't know about

yours, but *my* Nada can put on the biggest pity show of the century at the drop

of a hat. She outright lies and does so with such passion and emotion that

people easily believe her.

When I was little, she would accuse me of " parent abuse " whenever she flew into

a rage. I shudder to think what my life would look like now if my Nada could

have filed a restraining order based on verbal/emotional abuse against me just

to " punish " me or " teach me a lesson. " Heck, it's not unheard of for BPs to file

restraining orders based on false allegations and get away with it under the

current laws.

I really hope your campus issues trespasses. It is SO important to protect

yourself, and you deserve this day to be about you, your achievements, and your

happiness. It's sad that your in a position to worry about restraining orders

and tackling the legal system, but at least the laws that are available have

been thought out and tested, and you *can* continue to test them if necessary.

-Frances

> > > >

> > > > Hello all,

> > > >

> > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > >

> > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

> > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

> > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

> > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

> > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > I will be miserable

> > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

> > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > >

> > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

> > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

> > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > >

> > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

> > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

> > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Please help.

> > > >

> > > > -

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, Frances, how can I thank you enough?!

I went to campus security, and they DO have a trespass form that I have filled

out and that may be getting mailed to nada. I am relieved. IF she decides to

show up and they recognize her/I see her, if she doesn't leave then they will

call the police to escort her away!! My hope is that nada would have just

maaaaaybe enough sense not to try and get police involved, and she would stay

away. But at least this way I can protect myself! It's a little scary to have to

take this sort of precaution, but I see no other way of protecting my day and my

sanity/safety.

I agree that it is terrible that you cannot get a restraining order from

emotionally abusive nadas. It's a shame that someone has to physically harm you

or threaten to physically harm you in order for you to protect yourself. We as

children of BPs live in a grey zone. But I also agree with your point that it

could be for the best that restraining orders don't include verbal abuse. My

nada would do something like that to me as well I bet. She, like most BP nadas,

can also put on a pity show. She has all her friends and her extended family

against me and my dad and sister. Sometimes it's really hard to know that there

are all these people out there who think your mother is crazy because of

everything I " did " to her (but in real life, I never did anything) or that I'm a

bad daughter. Oh, goodness I can't even dwell on it for a moment I get furious.

I'm excited to graduate and move away from my hometown (my university is about

an hour away from my hometown) and be at a significant distance from nada. When

I go home for breaks for example I'm always afraid of running into her. At long

last I won't have to fear that anymore.

This trespass may have saved my life!!

-

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello all,

> > > > >

> > > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > > >

> > > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am NC

> > > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> > > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen or

> > > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> > > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about me:

> > > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since I

> > > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> > > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > > I will be miserable

> > > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who hates

> > > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> > > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > > >

> > > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> > > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her come

> > > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her because

> > > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > > >

> > > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> > > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE HER.

> > > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> > > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it about

> > > > her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Please help.

> > > > >

> > > > > -

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Steph

With all due deference to your Dad, first of all, he is in a

relationship with a nada, his judgement is suspect. Second, unless he is

a magistrate or attorney in the locale where your university sits, his

opinion on when you can get a restraining order carries as much weight

as the local butcher.

It is highly subjective. Often, if you simply demonstrate and attest,

under oath, that you fear for your personal safety for reasonable

grounds, it is sufficient for a temporary restraining order. You don t

need 90 days, just one. Calling after being told not to is not

stalking, but rather is harrasment, which may also be grounds for a TRO.

Also, again, Dad is not the one who is asking for a TRO, you are.

Mates of nadas are not reliable sources of information about dealing

with nadas. Picture HER whispering in his ear, you ll just get laughed

at. NO one can tell ME what I can do about MY daughter, I m the MOTHER.

Brrr, nada script there.

Dad doesnt know. Go to the police. Go to legal aid and get an attorney

s advice cheap, ( you r a 21 yo college student, I assume you dont have

much money. ) And no one will laugh at you for requesting a TRO. They

get requests all the time, some are granted and some are not. In the

local jurisdiction here, they tend to default to granting a TRO and then

holding a hearing at a later time to assertain whether to continue it.

It s not like the TRO causes her any great hardship, she doesnt have to

stay out of her home, or any place she routinely goes, she would simply

be restrained from coming within a certain distance of YOU. In coming

to your graduation, she would be coming to a locale where she has not

been in at least 2 years, so there is no compelling reason not to grant

it, and your fear of her may well be adequate reason to grant it.

Depending on the laws of your area, you may be able to simply appear in

a session of magistrate court, and request that an order be granted for

a period of 30 days.

After that, they will schedule a hearing to determine whether to

continue it, but if you dont need legal help to keep her away from you,

you can simply not appear and it will lapse.

She is an uninivited guest, stating her intention to come to an event

where she is unwelcome and has no reason to be there. The order is not

unreasonable at all, and no one will laugh at your request. That your

Dad told you so makes me more angry the longer I type, he is displaying

typical dishrag tendencies of a mate of a BP. Trying to " convince her

not to come " ? Bullshit.

doesnt want you there, and you will NOT come and ruin her day.

If you get someone else to take you and I see you I will physically drag

you to the car and take you home. That is what he should be doing,

going to bat for you , not trying to wheedle that crazy , I almost said

bitch, sorry, person.

You have every right to be afraid and panicked over her. You have every

right to appeal for court orders barring her from coming to your event,

in that she has no other reason than your presence to be there. Go to

the police tomorrow, or a lawyer, and find out how to appeal to the

proper court for a TRO.

sorry if Im preaching here. Nada screwed a number of things for me. If

I d known then what I know now...oh boy.

You are not a helpless victim of her whims. Only when Dad and others

bail her out and cater to her whims.

If you know the friend who she enlists to drive her, you might also call

them and politely ask them not to do so as you do not want her there,

and are taking legal steps to have her barred if she does show up.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Makes me so Fricking mad!

Doug

> > > >

> > > > Hello all,

> > > >

> > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > >

> > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I

am NC

> > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right

" as

> > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't

seen or

> > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my

life a

> > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been

about me:

> > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe

since I

> > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just

enough

> > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > I will be miserable

> > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who

hates

> > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally

abusive

> > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > >

> > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince

Nada

> > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let

her come

> > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her

because

> > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > >

> > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she

tries to

> > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to

SEE HER.

> > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this

is MY

> > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it

about

> > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Please help.

> > > >

> > > > -

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Doug,

Thanks for the advice. My dad is a semi-post-dishrag type. He definitely knows

what is wrong with nada. He knows she's BP, he's read all the literature. They

separated two years ago (hence, I went with him) and he is low contact with her.

To some extent, I feel she has control over him. He thinks otherwise. He's very

fearful of physically threatening nada for obvious reasons--he doesn't want her

to have an excuse to put him in jail or something. So he doesn't want to say

anything threatening to her. He has definitely been trying to get her to not

come by saying as close to " you will NOT come and ruin her day " etc. Really

there's only so much he can say, I know.

What I think is that I will take this trespass order for the day and hope that

resolves the problem. Dad wasn't too thrilled when I told him about it (he fears

nada's wrath), but I think he's accepted that I'm doing this to protect myself

and my sanity and all that.

Hopefully nada will get the trespass order in the mail and realize that if she

shows up at my graduation she will be escorted off campus by the local police.

Maybe I'll get a TRO for my wedding. Haha. Nada would looooove that. Doug, I

really do appreciate the information on the legal stuff. I don't know much about

it, I've been kept from pursuing legal action for a long time.

Isn't it funny how nadas mess up our lives and then *poof* they feel like they

have the RIGHT as a MOTHER to do things!? Ugh. I shouldn't look forward to my

milestones being over so that the fear that accompanies them will subside. I am

praying she won't show up!!

-

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello all,

> > > > >

> > > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > > >

> > > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I

> am NC

> > > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right

> " as

> > > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't

> seen or

> > > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my

> life a

> > > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been

> about me:

> > > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe

> since I

> > > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just

> enough

> > > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > > I will be miserable

> > > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who

> hates

> > > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally

> abusive

> > > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > > >

> > > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince

> Nada

> > > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let

> her come

> > > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her

> because

> > > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > > >

> > > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she

> tries to

> > > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to

> SEE HER.

> > > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this

> is MY

> > > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it

> about

> > > > her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Please help.

> > > > >

> > > > > -

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

LOL Steph,

I noticed you wrote MOTHER. How apropos! My nada s battle cry was,

because I m the MOTHER. You could feel the caps when she spoke. They

do have a way of draining the joy from life.

When I joined the Navy, nada, without asking me, asked my recruiter if

she could accompany us on the 3 hour car trip to the airport where I

would fly out. He said sure, we take parents all the time. Fool. She

embaressed me by insisting on a long , choke you with a strangle hold

hug goodbye, and then sobbed hysterically in the car all the long way

back.

I smile thinking of my recruiter thinking to himself what the hell did I

do?

At my wedding, nada first took me aside before hand to say, now whatever

you do, just don t let her take my little boy away from me. ( My

thoughts were, woman do you see me? But of course she did not. I was

20, a sailor in uniform, and about to marry my grade school sweetheart.

What an inappropriate thing to say. )

Then she dragged my dad, who was divorced from her and re married, over

for a picture which only she insisted on of the 3 of us, like a happy

little family. So basically, yea, it was all about her. ly, I

wanted to just go to the nearest church and ask the preacher to marry

us, with the janitor as a witness.

Then for my kids weddings, she made a major deal about whether she would

go or not, depending on how she felt that day, then cancelled at the

last minute. After 3 of those, I didn t even invite her to my youngest

son s wedding.

It is sad that you and I can t share the joys of our lives with our

Mothers. But that is part of the awful cost of this thing.

Congrats on your graduation. I know it hurts to have to force your

mother to stay away, but such is nada. Take joy in it anyway.

Doug

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hello all,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada,

who I

> > am NC

> > > > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the

right

> > " as

> > > > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I

haven't

> > seen or

> > > > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my

> > life a

> > > > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been

> > about me:

> > > > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that

maybe

> > since I

> > > > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just

> > enough

> > > > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > > > I will be miserable

> > > > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter

who

> > hates

> > > > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally

> > abusive

> > > > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and

convince

> > Nada

> > > > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to

let

> > her come

> > > > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take

her

> > because

> > > > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she

> > tries to

> > > > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were

to

> > SEE HER.

> > > > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because

this

> > is MY

> > > > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make

it

> > about

> > > > > her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Please help.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Doug,

Yeah, I'm at that point in my life of graduating and moving away and eventually

getting married and I just know that if Nada were there she would ruin it. She

would ruin the experience, she would ruin the mood. My nada makes FUNERALS all

about her too. When my Dad's mother did, Nada had ZERO mercy for my dad. It was

horrible. They're just so twisted in the mind.

Now I refuse to give Nada what she so desperately wants: to see me and make MY

day all about HER. I refuse. I. Will. Not.

The story about your wedding and your childrens' weddings allows me to KNOW that

having my Nada at these events isn't possible and it isn't safe.

The story about your leave for the navy sounds so characteristically BPD mother.

My nada does stuff like that too. I don't understand how they have a sob fest

over us one minute and then treat us like the crap the next. Oh, wait, fear of

abandonment which is at the heart of every person with BPD. But you can't treat

the people you're afraid will leave you like crap because they WILL leave. I

did.

-

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hello all,

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada,

> who I

> > > am NC

> > > > > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the

> right

> > > " as

> > > > > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I

> haven't

> > > seen or

> > > > > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my

> > > life a

> > > > > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been

> > > about me:

> > > > > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that

> maybe

> > > since I

> > > > > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just

> > > enough

> > > > > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > > > > I will be miserable

> > > > > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter

> who

> > > hates

> > > > > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally

> > > abusive

> > > > > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and

> convince

> > > Nada

> > > > > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to

> let

> > > her come

> > > > > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take

> her

> > > because

> > > > > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she

> > > tries to

> > > > > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were

> to

> > > SEE HER.

> > > > > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because

> this

> > > is MY

> > > > > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make

> it

> > > about

> > > > > > her.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Please help.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > -

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You might want to do some research RE your state's laws pertaining to stalking.

More and more states are passing laws that make it easier for a person to

protect himself or herself from a stalker (of either sex) by issuing restraining

orders. Maybe consult with your local police department or have a consultation

with a lawyer about it.

And my understanding is that if a person is deliberately, repeatedly saying and

writing untrue, negative things about you in order to ruin your reputation with

your clients or your employers, to attempt to destroy you financially, ruin your

reputation in your community, etc., that is called slander (verbal defamation of

character) and libel (written defamation of character) and it is legally

actionable. You can have a lawyer fill you in on the details, but slander and

libel are legal offenses (related to tort law) and you can bring suit against

the legally responsible party.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hello all,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am in need of some serious help or comfort or anything!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My worst nightmare may occur this month. My lunatic nada, who I am

NC

> > > > > with and have been for 2 years, has decided that she has the right " as

> > > > > my mother " to just show up for my college graduation. I haven't seen

or

> > > > > spoken to nada in 2 years for good reason: because she made my life a

> > > > > living hell. She's managed to ruin every occasion that's been about

me:

> > > > > my high school graduation, prom etc. I had this hope that maybe since

I

> > > > > was finally " free " and NC with her, she would have maybe just enough

> > > > > sense NOT to come to my college graduation because she is

> > > > > > A) Not welcome

> > > > > > I will be miserable

> > > > > > C) you just don't " show up " to the graduation of a daughter who

hates

> > > > > you and doesn't see you for good reason. (verbally/emotionally abusive

> > > > > crazy " mother " ).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Father and sister have formed an alliance to try and convince Nada

> > > > > that it is a horrible idea to show up. They're not going to let her

come

> > > > > along. Get this, Nada has to get one of her friends to take her

because

> > > > > she cannot drive to places she has never been to.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > What do I do?!?! If she shows up, I may panic. Whenever she tries to

> > > > > CALL ME I nearly go into a panic attack, let alone if I were to SEE

HER.

> > > > > I don't know what I would do! I'm miserable already because this is MY

> > > > > graduation, this is not about HER. Yet, she always has to make it

about

> > > > > her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Please help.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>