Re: New to the Group

[Guest guest]

Welcome! I can much relate to your situation because my nada developed kidney

disease a couple years ago and it has complicated the boundary situation

immensely for me. I'm guessing from your post that your parents are still

together so your father will be taking the primary caretaking role right? They

may still try to rope you in but keep on remembering since he is there living

with her and her spouse you truly have no requirement on you. Some might argue

that you don't even if she was alone, but that's another kettle o' fish. Know

that whatever boundary you let slide because she's ill will be very difficult to

regain - at least it has been for me. 52 is young as well even with MS she may

live a very long time, so plan for the long game as well. Wishing you strength

and peace.

>

> Hi everyone!

> I'm new and I want to thank everyone for this board!

> I just read Sassafras' post, and I want you to know that I am very much in the

same boat!

> My mom is BDP, and has also been diagnosed with Primary Progessive MS at the

age of 52.

> I was very lucky to have a lot of support growing up, fortunately my dad is

not BDP, and my friends were very supportive. However i left home at 16 to go

to college, and I pursued a career in philosophy (how's that for in your head

LOL).

> Now that my parents are retired and my mother is sick, ty live a MILE from me

(what was i thinking??).

> Now i have to re-engage all the coping mechanisms, and hopefully you all can

help me with some new ones.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sassafras,

I am not very attuned to the boundary work since I am still NC. It sounds like

you were NC for some time. I am surprised that you moved out at just 16. That

must have been tough for you.

I do know some books that might be helpful. One is " Surviving a Borderline

Parent " . They talk about boundary setting with a BPD parent in the second half

of the book.

The other one that I have found helpful on many levels, including boundary

setting, is " Feeling Good " by D. Burns.

Wish I could be of more help. I had better learn myslef since boundary setting

is helpful in so many aspects of life.

-Joy

>

> Hi everyone!

> I'm new and I want to thank everyone for this board!

> I just read Sassafras' post, and I want you to know that I am very much in the

same boat!

> My mom is BDP, and has also been diagnosed with Primary Progessive MS at the

age of 52.

> I was very lucky to have a lot of support growing up, fortunately my dad is

not BDP, and my friends were very supportive. However i left home at 16 to go

to college, and I pursued a career in philosophy (how's that for in your head

LOL).

> Now that my parents are retired and my mother is sick, ty live a MILE from me

(what was i thinking??).

> Now i have to re-engage all the coping mechanisms, and hopefully you all can

help me with some new ones.

>

[Guest guest]

You totally just described my Nada.  She does the same stuff, not physical, but

she can still be pretty scary.  She has told me the  most horrible stories

about everyone in our family at one time or the other.  She has even recounted

stories about me, to me, and gotten it totally wrong.  Just made up stuff that

never happened.  I'm 47 and don't even live in the same state any more.  But

my little sister still lives in the same town with her and I feel guilty all the

time about leaving her to deal with it alone.  I keep telling her she needs to

get away too, but mom will just follow if she comes here.  I find myself hoping

she doesn't come so mom won't come.  Talk about guilt.  I am new to this group

too, like I just discoved BPD on Monday.  I have a long way to go and don't

have any answers.  I do know that we don't have any guilt that is real.  You

have to go into the world and live your life.  You mother makes her choices and

she will be

ok.

Subject: New to the Group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, May 19, 2010, 7:44 PM

I currently live in the house of the BPD person (I'm 25 years old).  My father

can go from extremely happy to hell-bent on destroying anyone he thinks is

" bad " .  You are either good or bad in his eyes.  I've learned what triggers

him to think certain things, and I managed to protect my mother for a while and

try to keep him calm.  But one day, he blew up and went crazy.  He went to the

" courthouse " to get divorce papers, took them home and told my mother he filed

them, packed his suitcase and ran off to a casino for the weekend.  She emailed

me crying and frustrated.  Once I looked at the papers I realized he never even

filed them.  There was no case number, and different information about my

mother was missing.  I came home and dedicated myself to listening to my

mother.  Then he called me that night and told me the most horrible messed up

things about her.  Including fake physically abusive stories about how she

punched him and so forth, and

how he should have left her alone as a single mother with me.  You see, he

trained me my entire life to be against my mother and told me horrible stories

about her.  But that night on the phone I realized everything he tells me are

ALL lies.  He " filed " those papers to scare her.

The oddest thing happened the next day... He showed up extraordinarily happy as

if nothing happened.  To him, he was off on a weekend getaway.

That in a nutshell is my father.  He has raised me to be an adult from a very

early age who would grow up and take care of him.  He's purposely sabotaged

good things in my life just to make sure I had to be close to him, only to

satisfy his psychotic neediness.  The stories are endless.  So many times when

he would go on a horrible verbal rampage until he had beaten me down to utter

humiliation with his words, or went on a violent rampage breaking everything in

my room.  Without fail the next day he would be extraordinarily happy.  My

best friend of 8 years (whom is about to go onto graduate school for psychology)

observed that to her it seems like he gets a lot of pleasure out of terrifying

my mom and me.  He's a master manipulator.  He does this thing when he thinks

you are bad where he pushes all your buttons at once until you flip out on him,

then he stands there laughing and making fun of you, and trying to make you feel

or look like you're

the crazy one.

Do these stories sound familiar for anyone?  I feel so guilty all the time like

I should be protecting my mother.  Lately, he's in happy mode so he's been

okay.  I have so much anxiety now that one day I'm going to get that email or

phone call that my dad is at it again.  He might not now that I am working out

of the house permanently (I work virtually for a company in MN).  Although,

that could also mean he won't be able to hide it and I'll see how he screams at

her when I'm not here.  I don't like him in that mode.  He's really really

scary.

How do you deal with the guilt?  Wanting to protect but being too tired to do

it?  I can barely look at him some days.  I like to pretend like he's normally

when he's in extremely happy mode but I know it won't last and he'll crack

again.  I'm moving out in a couple of months so luckily I won't be around to

see it, but then I fear for my mother.  With him retired, bored, no one to boss

around and frustration with his own life he might take it out on her.

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you

can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Hi Wendi,

Your dilemma sounds familiar. My sister still lives with my Mom. She is a bit

younger than me by 2 years, and hasn't financially gotten off the ground yet.

I am NC with my Nada. I have told my sister however to make sure she takes care

of herself in all instances but she is livid with me so our relationship is

frozen right now.

I hope your Nada doesn't come your way. I can see what a headache that would be.

Take care.

-Joy

>

>

>

> Subject: New to the Group

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Wednesday, May 19, 2010, 7:44 PM

>

>

> I currently live in the house of the BPD person (I'm 25 years old).  My

father can go from extremely happy to hell-bent on destroying anyone he thinks

is " bad " .  You are either good or bad in his eyes.  I've learned what triggers

him to think certain things, and I managed to protect my mother for a while and

try to keep him calm.  But one day, he blew up and went crazy.  He went to the

" courthouse " to get divorce papers, took them home and told my mother he filed

them, packed his suitcase and ran off to a casino for the weekend.  She emailed

me crying and frustrated.  Once I looked at the papers I realized he never even

filed them.  There was no case number, and different information about my

mother was missing.  I came home and dedicated myself to listening to my

mother.  Then he called me that night and told me the most horrible messed up

things about her.  Including fake physically abusive stories about how she

punched him and so forth, and

> how he should have left her alone as a single mother with me.  You see, he

trained me my entire life to be against my mother and told me horrible stories

about her.  But that night on the phone I realized everything he tells me are

ALL lies.  He " filed " those papers to scare her.

>

>

> The oddest thing happened the next day... He showed up extraordinarily happy

as if nothing happened.  To him, he was off on a weekend getaway.

>

>

> That in a nutshell is my father.  He has raised me to be an adult from a very

early age who would grow up and take care of him.  He's purposely sabotaged

good things in my life just to make sure I had to be close to him, only to

satisfy his psychotic neediness.  The stories are endless.  So many times when

he would go on a horrible verbal rampage until he had beaten me down to utter

humiliation with his words, or went on a violent rampage breaking everything in

my room.  Without fail the next day he would be extraordinarily happy.  My

best friend of 8 years (whom is about to go onto graduate school for psychology)

observed that to her it seems like he gets a lot of pleasure out of terrifying

my mom and me.  He's a master manipulator.  He does this thing when he thinks

you are bad where he pushes all your buttons at once until you flip out on him,

then he stands there laughing and making fun of you, and trying to make you feel

or look like you're

> the crazy one.

>

>

> Do these stories sound familiar for anyone?  I feel so guilty all the time

like I should be protecting my mother.  Lately, he's in happy mode so he's been

okay.  I have so much anxiety now that one day I'm going to get that email or

phone call that my dad is at it again.  He might not now that I am working out

of the house permanently (I work virtually for a company in MN).  Although,

that could also mean he won't be able to hide it and I'll see how he screams at

her when I'm not here.  I don't like him in that mode.  He's really really

scary.

>

>

> How do you deal with the guilt?  Wanting to protect but being too tired to do

it?  I can barely look at him some days.  I like to pretend like he's normally

when he's in extremely happy mode but I know it won't last and he'll crack

again.  I'm moving out in a couple of months so luckily I won't be around to

see it, but then I fear for my mother.  With him retired, bored, no one to boss

around and frustration with his own life he might take it out on her.

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY

POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you

can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

welcome Sofia...I'm sorry about your nada, mine is BPD as well as

narcissicissict too, so I understand where you're coming from. They hate

you putting up strong boundaries and they see you as an extension of them,

only weaker, and that you were put here to do what they want. I also

understand the friction it causes having strong boundaries..and yes, they DO

think the world revolves around THEM!!

Jackie

hello everyone,

I've tried posting a couple of things in reply to some messages but I'm not

sure if it worked. let me just say how happy i feel to finally find a

community where i can get support in the struggle of trying to live my life

without guilt, shame, obligation or fear. reading some of the posts so far

offers me hope that i can make it through this difficult time. i had a baby

almost two years ago and since then my world and perception has changed

dramatically. I was in denial regarding my mother's BPD, though I very well

knew for a long time what she had I still never fully accepted it. I hoped

that she would change when she became a grandmother, but I think she only

got worse. My husband was appalled at the way I let her treat me and the way

she continues to treat other members of my family, who are still in denial

and still putting up with her verbal and emotional abuse (she also has a

history of attacking/assaulting people including myself physically).

I recently discovered that she also has narcissistic traits, as if BPD alone

weren't enough! She lacks empathy and it's always about her, her, her and

what she wants and what she thinks and what she feels. I've been on an

emotional roller coaster ride this last year. my husband has been

chronically ill and out of work, my son is a handful (very active and

energetic) and i work a full time job in a stressful environment and commute

two hours/day so I come home EXHAUSTED. we have no support except for the

day care we use three days a week so my husband can rest and recover. even

though we have no money and are up to our eyes in debt, we have no other

alternatives at this time. i am grieving not only a lost childhood, but a

lost support system. Isn't this the time where a healthy and available

mother would offer to help and be nice and kind to you and not

verbally/emotionally attack you every minute she had the chance to do it?

every time I talk to her (which is not often anymore...ever since I started

asserting myself and my needs and confronting her on her behavior she avoids

me for the most part) she demands to see her grandson when she feels like

it. We're supposed to drop what we're doing and accommodate her demands and

if we don't we're the bad people...now she's using my dad to try to guilt

trip me and it's causing friction in our relationship.

I am beside myself. I've been crying up a storm at the drop of a hat,

sometimes even commuting in to work , and then I have a heck of a time

trying to make it through the day. I am in therapy for myself and have been

for years now (on and off) but on for the last two years...I also started

couples therapy w/ my husband since our stress is starting to impact our

relationship. i also try to practice meditation when I can and am starting a

yoga program. I read books for fun when i can and listen to audio books no

in my car during my long commute. luckily in two weeks i'm taking a long

weekend by myself to go visit my best friend out of town (who has offered to

take me, my husband and son in to her home if we're willing to relocate

until we can find housing down there). I'm considering it in the near future

if things don't improve...

I just feel so abandoned and betrayed and lied to and hurt.

how do you all cope? what can i do to make it through this rough period? I

feel so sad.

thank you everyone.

--

--Sofia

[Guest guest]

Hi Sofia,

I'm new here and just beginning to learn about all this, but I wanted to say how

much your situation reminds me of my history.  Back in '85 when my daughter

turned two I left the state.  I left my husband, my home state, all my friends,

and never looked back.  I have gone to visit two times since and swore to never

go again.  The horrible phone calls are bad enough.  Sometimes you do have to

completely detach, at least for awhile.  You and your family are a separate

unit from your parents and you have to protect them and yourself.  Find your

inner strength, get in agreement with your husband and set your boundries. 

Subject: new to the group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, May 22, 2010, 12:05 PM

hello everyone,

I've tried posting a couple of things in reply to some messages but I'm not

sure if it worked. let me just say how happy i feel to finally find a

community where i can get support in the struggle of trying to live my life

without guilt, shame, obligation or fear. reading some of the posts so far

offers me hope that i can make it through this difficult time. i had a baby

almost two years ago and since then my world and perception has changed

dramatically. I was in denial regarding my mother's BPD, though I very well

knew for a long time what she had I still never fully accepted it. I hoped

that she would change when she became a grandmother, but I think she only

got worse. My husband was appalled at the way I let her treat me and the way

she continues to treat other members of my family, who are still in denial

and still putting up with her verbal and emotional abuse (she also has a

history of attacking/assaulting people including myself physically).

I recently discovered that she also has narcissistic traits, as if BPD alone

weren't enough! She lacks empathy and it's always about her, her, her and

what she wants and what she thinks and what she feels. I've been on an

emotional roller coaster ride this last year. my husband has been

chronically ill and out of work, my son is a handful (very active and

energetic) and i work a full time job in a stressful environment and commute

two hours/day so I come home EXHAUSTED. we have no support except for the

day care we use three days a week so my husband can rest and recover. even

though we have no money and are up to our eyes in debt, we have no other

alternatives at this time. i am grieving not only a lost childhood, but a

lost support system. Isn't this the time where a healthy and available

mother would offer to help and be nice and kind to you and not

verbally/emotionally attack you every minute she had the chance to do it?

every time I talk to her (which is not often anymore...ever since I started

asserting myself and my needs and confronting her on her behavior she avoids

me for the most part) she demands to see her grandson when she feels like

it. We're supposed to drop what we're doing and accommodate her demands and

if we don't we're the bad people...now she's using my dad to try to guilt

trip me and it's causing friction in our relationship.

I am beside myself. I've been crying up a storm at the drop of a hat,

sometimes even commuting in to work , and then I have a heck of a time

trying to make it through the day. I am in therapy for myself and have been

for years now (on and off) but on for the last two years...I also started

couples therapy w/ my husband since our stress is starting to impact our

relationship. i also try to practice meditation when I can and am starting a

yoga program. I read books for fun when i can and listen to audio books no

in my car during my long commute. luckily in two weeks i'm taking a long

weekend by myself to go visit my best friend out of town (who has offered to

take me, my husband and son in to her home if we're willing to relocate

until we can find housing down there). I'm considering it in the near future

if things don't improve...

I just feel so abandoned and betrayed and lied to and hurt.

how do you all cope? what can i do to make it through this rough period? I

feel so sad.

thank you everyone.

--

--Sofia

" Live all you can

it's a mistake not to.

It doesn't so much matter

what you do in particular,

So long as you have had your life.

If you haven't had that

What have you had? "

-Henry