Re: Re: What to do about grandchildren?

[Guest guest]

Oh, I'm so familiar with the " game " nadas play. It's funny when you don't even

play the game they always try to find a way to lure you in it. Emotional black

mail, using family members, guilt, shame, all those facial gestures. They miss

the drama. They're identified by it.  

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, April 12, 2010 1:04:20 PM

Subject: Re: What to do about grandchildren?

 

Dear Ross & Kazam & Cricket/Wildflowers & everyone else on this forum,

OMG is all I can say! I cannot believe what we all must go through for a simple

lunch or a holiday! I am 43 years old and a mom to a 3 year old little girl and

have just finally figured out that my mom has BPD. Due to these posts, I know I

am not alone and that other people's moms have BPD! All this time I was living

alone in shame until finally my own therapist explained what BPD was and that

she was quite certain this was what my mom had. (this therapist has dealt

extensively with them and with PTSD and knew). I only wish I'd known this

earlier on in my life.

I hope you all stick to your guns and put and end to this pain we go through on

a daily basis! I worry constantly about the same issues you speak of and am so

very thankful to have found your posts. I cannot thank everyone enough for

taking the time to post. Even if I don't have good advice for anyone I

apologize. But you aren't writing in vain! I am so glad to read your posts. I no

longer feel so totally alone and it's bc you are generous enough to share your

thoughts/feelings! I am so much better bc of reading your words.

If I could give back it would be to say this: Just know you are not alone! " We "

make our decisions in order to protect our children/selves - we owe it to our

kids don't we!

Cricket/Wildflower - I know my little daughter will ask me the same questions

your 12 year old has to ask you (is something wrong with grandma's brain) and

Ross I know the manipulation you are seeing at holidays and for lunch etc... I

can't say what's best for you but I do know one thing for sure - you do what

feels right and you do what is best for your kids and don't look back...

The games never ever end do they?

They are games. With each new card we put down they have a counter move. They

are masters at the game and they will always win no matter how clever we think

we are! Sadly they pray on us over and over and over. This will never end and we

all know it, but it's hard to do the simple thing: don't play. It's so easy for

others to tell us not to play. But I think that's really the answer. Just don't

play. That is until you want to. But when you do, be careful, do it on " your

terms " .

After a recent exhausting bout where my mother verbally abused me (swears and

all) in front of my innocent 3 year old daughter, I'm in NC mode. If I decide on

contact again, I've decided on no more holidays and nothing that involves more

than an hour or two. Everyone here is in my thoughts! With all this crap I don't

know how any of us are functioning at all! We are all good people and we can

prove it by raising our kids to be healthy and happy! And I for one do not feel

guilt over being a little " over protective " of my daughter's upbringing! We

should all feel a lot of pride to be on this forum and working together and

taking action to protect our innocent children!

May the force be with you!

EM

> >

> > It's been a while since I've been here. This has always been a source of

support and information that I have found instrumental in my dealing with my BPD

mother whom I not-so-affectionate ly refer to as mymomzilla.

> >

> > I have had NC with her since Oct. 06. I do however have three beautiful

children who loved their grandmother and were not targets of hers so we allowed

them to continue having contact with her. The kids are now 10, 12 and the oldest

just turned 17. As they get older they are noticing more and more how difficult

their grandmother can be and it is effecting their desire to talk to her let

alone see her. My 12 year old received a birthday card from mymomzilla and

instead of being excited about the potential birthday treat enclosed they were

trepidatious and conflicted about the fact that this now meant she had to call

her to thank her for this. Calling her is always a crap shoot and they too have

come to learn this - sadly the hard way. They feel they have to be restrained

and worried about what they say because of how she may react. Is that a healthy

child-grandparent relationship? Not at all.

> >

> > Then last night while it was still my oldest's birthday mymomzilla called

them on their cell phone wishing them a terse happy birthday and then proceeded

to tell them that she once gave my wife a fancy watch and some special dishes

and that she now wants them back and for my child to see what they could do

about that. This stuff was given almost 10 years ago and now all of the sudden

she wants them back? This is nothing more than another salvo on her part; a

power play and attempt to get a rise out of me and I fully intend to ignore it.

That does not negate how utterly inappropriate it was to go through my child on

this. I can live with the idea that she wants to strip me of any kind of fond

memory I may have by trying to remove anything nice that she may have done for

us in the past. She gave some money towards our now 9 year old vehicle, is she

going to go after that too? Right now I wouldn't put it past her to start

reclaiming anything and

> everything she thinks she had a hand in.

> >

> > The only good thing about this is that I feel an odd sense of calm about it

all. I am boiling over the fact that she chose to go through my child in such a

inappropriate way. I am considering that my younger kids are no longer safe in

her company. And they are all supposed to go out for lunch with her next week.

Yikes! I am angry that this is even a consideration. BUT at the same time I am

calm in the knowledge that this is the raving of a lunatic and I intend to chalk

it up to just that and ignore it. Several years ago there is no way I could have

done this and would have seethed for days on this contemplating what I was going

to say and do about it. Now I am content to ignore it knowing that to do

anything else would simply feed into it. I have told my child, should they be

speaking to her again, to simply tell her that the message had been passed on

and to leave it at that. To acknowledge it beyond that only gives her more fuel

to continue with

more

> crap.

> >

> > Yes I want to phone her up and rip a strip off of her for involving my

child. Maybe as their father that is what I should be doing. I also know full

well that as is the case with most borderline personalities that is exactly what

she wants. Knowing that is what has allowed me to feel this calmness and

contentment with my stance of simply ignoring it. Calling her would give her the

satisfaction that she finally found a way to get a rise out of me; to get me to

break my non contact. The truly scary part is now wondering just how far she's

prepared to go to get that rise. My silence will probably only escalate her

further. Will that only serve to put my kids in jeopardy? That will be

unacceptable and will only result in her not being allowed to have anything to

do with them either. So sad isn't it?

> >

> > After rereading this I am worried that I do indeed need to protect my kids

more. Am I hanging them out on a limb by letting them maintain contact with her?

That is always a possibility when dealing with her. The truth is that I think

they would could live with not having anything to do with her. So why am I

putting my kids out there like this? Mostly because despite all of this they

still care for her and want to see her albeit only once in a while. Oh what to

do? Thus far I have simply been letting them dictate this but I will say for the

record that should she step out of line during their next visit with her it will

most definitely be their last visit. I would be negligent as a loving caring

parent to not make that call.

> >

> > I guess after all of that my question is whether anyone else has found

themselves in this kind if situation, how did you handle it and am I nuts for

even allowing it to go on?

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

YES, they certainly DO..my wedding wasn't MY day, it was nadas spotlight

!!she called the shots and she changed everything I wanted to what SHE

wanted...she even yelled at the priest when he asked her to sit down because

the wedding was ready to start !!

nada told my sister she spent too much time with her kids ! this all came

down to nada wanted to play some board games, and got them all out, and my

sister went to tuck her two young boys in for the night and read them a

story, one was upset because they weren't in their own home..so my sister

stayed a little longer to comfort him and read them another story ! Nada

never tucked us in and never read us bed time stories...I had to put myself

to bed in the dark alone...

Jackie

Oh, they have to turn up the volume if you have a special occasion or

wedding or birthday or anything that takes the attention from them and puts

it

onto someone else because they can't stand for someone else to get

attention.

So, for instance, if I was getting married (or even my sister), she had to

turn up the manipulation and drama for HER because someone else had the

attention on them. I won't go into what all she did, but for both my sister

and I...getting married was NOT fun. My mother paid for nothing and threw a

complete hissy fit the day I was getting married. She didn't help my sister

with a single thing to prepare for her wedding and then got mad,

waify/hermit/bizarre/manipulative when my sister's husband's mother did help

her

(because she was actually a normal person and felt bad for my sister).

When my sister had her first child she was 8 weeks premature. This was

1988, so technology was good, but not as good as today. My sister visited

her

daughter every day and my mother told her that she was going to the hospital

too much and getting too attached to ! Unbelievable. Then she got

upset because my sister's husband's parents went to visit and said

that it wasn't fair that they got to see and she didn't because

was more her grandchild than theirs since they a) weren't the parents of

the MOTHER (whatever that has to do with it), and had other

grandchildren.

So if you have other grandchildren, you're not allowed to love them all the

same.