Newbie:53, survivor who is just now realizing my mom has BPD.

[Guest guest]

I am up at 4:00 a.m. with my occasional insomnia and discovered this group, YAY!

I am an adult child of a mom with what I am now realizing is most likely BPD. My

therapist during the 80s suspected bi-polar 2, and I filed the diagnosis away in

the back of my mind, I wasn't sure it fit back then and I doubt it does now (my

therapist never met my mom).

I'm finishing up my M.S. in Counseling (specializing in schools) and even during

the DSM class I took, it didn't really click that my mom was BPD, because the

classic examples in the class all resembled Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction,

characteristics I didn't relate to my mom. Also, my mom, to the best of my

knowledge, did not have suicide ideation, although she has been depressed her

whole life and within the last 7 years started experiencing panic attacks.

Well, my journey to where I am now could fill a novel. I feel that I am finally

" growing up " (don't know how else to put it) and coming into my own, at age 53--

I'm sure my story isn't a whole lot different than many of my compadres out

there. My life took some pretty painful turns and sometimes I sadly reflect on

the " lost years " of my childhood, 20s and early 30s.

I started re-reading the DSM IV book again after a recent trip to visit my mom

in March 2010 (she's now 86) after she had one of her old rage-a-holic episodes,

in front of my husband and two youngest children (ages 13 and 14). Since we live

600 miles away, they don't really know grandma too well, only that she is not

warm and fuzzy and doesn't bake cookies and show love to her grandchildren the

way all their friend's grandmothers do. My husband (been remarried for 17

years)hadn't seen her erupt, neither had my youngest two. I left from that visit

feeling the old sickly stomach, anxiety, dread feelings and re-read the DSM on

BPD and the light bulb began to glow in the past several weeks.

Thanks to my therapist in the 80s, I did the bulk of my healing then and through

the 90s and came to realize my mom was crazy making and toxic, but I have to

say, I was taken aback (yes the stove burner is STILL hot after 53 years) by the

latest blow out. I wasn't even the target, a helper living with mom was, and he

bore the brunt of it. I felt ashamed that she acted out like this in front of my

family (my ex husband and older three kids have all seen it) and it ruined the

end of the visit.

The thing is, I do feel sorry for her...from the readings here, I realize she is

trapped in her own internal hell, with no escape from her demons. How do I

dance the delicate dance of self-preservation,empathy for my ailing mom (she

calls me crying because she's lonely and no one calls her) yet appropriate

boundaries? The latest rage? My 14 year old daughter made friends with my mom's

and my step-dad's helper, Pedro, a nice young Latino (who, in exchange for room

and board, cooks, cleans, shops, etc. for my mom and step-dad.) My daughter and

he played the piano together and he was helping her with her Spanish. Mind you,

we only visited for a few days, and didn't even stay with my mom, so the visits

were only a handful of times, in the living room! At the tail end of our visit,

my mom BLEW UP when she saw that Pedro had pics of our family up on his Facebook

(we had friended him)...she went into her screaming, yelling, threatening to

throw him out, take away his computer, yada yada yada mode. And worse, she laid

into me about how terrible my daughter is, I am naive, I don't understand what's

going on, yada yada yada. No one cares about her, no one gave her any pictures,

how dare we give pictures to Pedro, she has no one, we're all no good, we don't

respect her, blah blah blah.

I'm supposed to return in May: my older son graduates from college May 27 and

mom informed me tonight by phone that we are not welcome in her house, because

we have to stay away from Pedro (my daughter feels terrible about this, and I am

working overtime to let her know this is grandma's illness, not about my

daughter!). My mom informed me that she will come visit us at my son's house

when we're back in the area. And that if I want to continue to have a mother who

continues to help (she does help provide the tuition for my youngest to go to

Catholic school--yes, I know, the hook)we will stay away from her house and from

Pedro. :::sigh:::

Which is why I eagerly await finishing up my degree and license to finally be

able to 'grow up', get a job I love, and pay for my son's Catholic education

ourselves. For the most part, my mom has laid low as she's gotten older and

more frail, so this latest episode felt very sharp, and brought back painful

feelings and memories.

Thanks for listening. Thank you all for being here.

Ann

[Guest guest]

welcome Ann, your nada sure sounds like she has BPD...your poor

daughter...cant even see/talk to her new friend...

Jackie

I am up at 4:00 a.m. with my occasional insomnia and discovered this group,

YAY!

I am an adult child of a mom with what I am now realizing is most likely

BPD. My therapist during the 80s suspected bi-polar 2, and I filed the

diagnosis away in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure it fit back then and I

doubt it does now (my therapist never met my mom).

I'm finishing up my M.S. in Counseling (specializing in schools) and even

during the DSM class I took, it didn't really click that my mom was BPD,

because the classic examples in the class all resembled Glenn Close in Fatal

Attraction, characteristics I didn't relate to my mom. Also, my mom, to the

best of my knowledge, did not have suicide ideation, although she has been

depressed her whole life and within the last 7 years started experiencing

panic attacks.

Well, my journey to where I am now could fill a novel. I feel that I am

finally " growing up " (don't know how else to put it) and coming into my own,

at age 53-- I'm sure my story isn't a whole lot different than many of my

compadres out there. My life took some pretty painful turns and sometimes I

sadly reflect on the " lost years " of my childhood, 20s and early 30s.

I started re-reading the DSM IV book again after a recent trip to visit my

mom in March 2010 (she's now 86) after she had one of her old rage-a-holic

episodes, in front of my husband and two youngest children (ages 13 and 14).

Since we live 600 miles away, they don't really know grandma too well, only

that she is not warm and fuzzy and doesn't bake cookies and show love to her

grandchildren the way all their friend's grandmothers do. My husband (been

remarried for 17 years)hadn't seen her erupt, neither had my youngest two. I

left from that visit feeling the old sickly stomach, anxiety, dread feelings

and re-read the DSM on BPD and the light bulb began to glow in the past

several weeks.

Thanks to my therapist in the 80s, I did the bulk of my healing then and

through the 90s and came to realize my mom was crazy making and toxic, but I

have to say, I was taken aback (yes the stove burner is STILL hot after 53

years) by the latest blow out. I wasn't even the target, a helper living

with mom was, and he bore the brunt of it. I felt ashamed that she acted out

like this in front of my family (my ex husband and older three kids have all

seen it) and it ruined the end of the visit.

The thing is, I do feel sorry for her...from the readings here, I realize

she is trapped in her own internal hell, with no escape from her demons.

How do I dance the delicate dance of self-preservation,empathy for my ailing

mom (she calls me crying because she's lonely and no one calls her) yet

appropriate boundaries? The latest rage? My 14 year old daughter made

friends with my mom's and my step-dad's helper, Pedro, a nice young Latino

(who, in exchange for room and board, cooks, cleans, shops, etc. for my mom

and step-dad.) My daughter and he played the piano together and he was

helping her with her Spanish. Mind you, we only visited for a few days, and

didn't even stay with my mom, so the visits were only a handful of times, in

the living room! At the tail end of our visit, my mom BLEW UP when she saw

that Pedro had pics of our family up on his Facebook (we had friended

him)...she went into her screaming, yelling, threatening to throw him out,

take away his computer, yada yada yada mode. And worse, she laid into me

about how terrible my daughter is, I am naive, I don't understand what's

going on, yada yada yada. No one cares about her, no one gave her any

pictures, how dare we give pictures to Pedro, she has no one, we're all no

good, we don't respect her, blah blah blah.

I'm supposed to return in May: my older son graduates from college May 27

and mom informed me tonight by phone that we are not welcome in her house,

because we have to stay away from Pedro (my daughter feels terrible about

this, and I am working overtime to let her know this is grandma's illness,

not about my daughter!). My mom informed me that she will come visit us at

my son's house when we're back in the area. And that if I want to continue

to have a mother who continues to help (she does help provide the tuition

for my youngest to go to Catholic school--yes, I know, the hook)we will stay

away from her house and from Pedro. :::sigh:::

Which is why I eagerly await finishing up my degree and license to finally

be able to 'grow up', get a job I love, and pay for my son's Catholic

education ourselves. For the most part, my mom has laid low as she's gotten

older and more frail, so this latest episode felt very sharp, and brought

back painful feelings and memories.

Thanks for listening. Thank you all for being here.

Ann