Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 First of all... you breathe! Then you just laugh, smile and wave. And buy your house and go shopping and live your life! One of the hardest things for me as a KO was to get to the point where I feel like I don't owe anyone an apology, an explanation, a justification, ANYTHING for choices/decisions *I* make for *me and mine*. Period. There are people who will push for a reaction (think our BPD folks) in order to validate and communicate and 'feel'... sounds like A is one of those people. Her life blows chunks and so she's feeding off of yours and trying to knock you off your hard-earned keel. Don't give it and give her the reaction (s) she's looking for. Just smile and wave and ignore her stabs on FB...Normal people aren't fooled by her comments. We all have the " freak friend/FB stalker-poster " (mine is Nada - she's provided hours of entertainment for my friends how message me and say " WOW! " ) What people say speaks volumes about THEM... NOT about YOU. Don't let it be about you and just go on with your life. But do it with a smile and a wave and a friendly 'how-do'... and don't go back for dinner ;o) Lynnette > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 I think she is jealous of you...and she's a controling person. There are SO many " difficult " people out there, you're bound to run into a few every time you turn around !! I would be civil to her, but make excuses why you can have dinner with them, socialize with them...and when she makes comments on your FB, I would ignore them..I'm sure anyone who has run into this person knows she's an oddball...and dont let her shame you for having a little money, you've earned it!!...2000sq ft home is NOT that big for 5 people !! Jackie After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? Thanks as always, le Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks Jackie, You are right. It's just unbelievable how obvious this behavior was. It reminds me of elementary school and I don't miss those days at all! le > > I think she is jealous of you...and she's a controling person. There are SO > many " difficult " people out there, you're bound to run into a few every > time you turn around !! I would be civil to her, but make excuses why you > can have dinner with them, socialize with them...and when she makes > comments on your FB, I would ignore them..I'm sure anyone who has run into > this person knows she's an oddball...and dont let her shame you for having a > little money, you've earned it!!...2000sq ft home is NOT that big for 5 > people !! > > > Jackie > > > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to > start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have > discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool > and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is > nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get > over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive > and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us > over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we > had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more > aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. > ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and > talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house > and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are > both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is > a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go > to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how > to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me > more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has > people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about > this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a > second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a > comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't > have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 > sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting > quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more > creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes > were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a > lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had > to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of > dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing > with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional > job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I > don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do > value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that > I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 Hi le, I agree with Jackie; this woman is most likely jealous of you. And I also think she is a bully. You sound like a nice person and you do not have to justify anything you do; how you spend your money, dress your kids, wanting a table. At work the other day I was in the break room with two women. One is a woman who for some reason acts bitchy towards me; once in awhile she will deign a pleasant interchange upon me. I used to try to win these types over. But I don't anymore. I am polite, but I don't go out of my way. I am working on having good responses to her sometimes impolite comments. In the break room they were talking about that girl that killed herself because of the bullying at school. This happened a couple towns over from me so it's been a topic that comes up. This woman started downplaying what happened; rationalizing that everyone has to learn to deal with these kinds of things. I said: yeah, but school should be a safe place. And she said that *home* is the safe place and you can't control the outside world. Well she it totally wrong there; because *home* is where, unfortunately much abuse in the world takes place and it is not safe unless the parents make it safe. However, school can be regulated and watched. It is not like kids should have a free for all (maybe she did not read Lord of the Flies). She left the room and the other girl said something about the conversation. And I was mad, and had a realization and I said: well SHE is a bully, so no wonder she thinks that way! I never say things like that anymore (you know because it can get back to the person, plus I am not interested in gossip at my age) But I was angry, since I was bullied in school and this woman sort of does the same thing to me at WORK. In a much more subtle way. But anyway...don't feel you have to put up or socialize with a bully. You don't, and you are probably not the only person who feels this way. Sorry....this got me all ramped up! Haha...but just my two cents, good luck ~patricia a difficult person After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? Thanks as always, le ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 So I know I'm only 20, but I have so many problems with this, too. You know- " I didn't hold the door open for them long enough! I better apologize! " it makes me feel like some kind of overshamed robot that keeps on cracking out apologies and in this case, let me just say that I have tried to look at it this way: there are 6.5 billion people in the world and we've ALL had enough of our own share of bullsh!t. I have been learning that the amount of insight we gained from what we grew up with is a huge gift; and when some girl who has no right is trying to tear down what you built up, you have to laugh. No matter what she says. She's a total joke, and for crying out loud she's pulling the " those less fortunate than you " riff. Just don't respond or interact with her unless she's respectful to you. Although I still (obviously) can't always live up to that, I still apologize and forgive right away even when I'm still angry, and admit I'm wrong/it's my fault when that's not even the case. I just think of the anger and frustration I feel, and I use that to quietly fortify myself in social situations. I argue my point now and defend it clearly without laughing at myself. I'm getting better at it. It's just bull that we have to be upset by people like that. We're veterans. Anyways good luck to you, that girl still hasn't got the wonderful things you've built up for yourself and your family best, Kathleen > > Hi le, > I agree with Jackie; this woman is most likely jealous of you. And I also think > she is a bully. You sound like a nice person and you do not have to justify anything > you do; how you spend your money, dress your kids, wanting a table. > > At work the other day I was in the break room with two women. One is a woman who > for some reason acts bitchy towards me; once in awhile she will deign a pleasant > interchange upon me. I used to try to win these types over. But I don't anymore. > I am polite, but I don't go out of my way. I am working on having good responses to her > sometimes impolite comments. In the break room they were talking about that girl that > killed herself because of the bullying at school. This happened a couple towns over > from me so it's been a topic that comes up. > > This woman started downplaying what happened; rationalizing that everyone has to learn > to deal with these kinds of things. I said: yeah, but school should be a safe place. And she > said that *home* is the safe place and you can't control the outside world. Well she it > totally wrong there; because *home* is where, unfortunately much abuse in the world > takes place and it is not safe unless the parents make it safe. However, school can be > regulated and watched. It is not like kids should have a free for all (maybe she did not > read Lord of the Flies). > > She left the room and the other girl said something about the conversation. And I was > mad, and had a realization and I said: well SHE is a bully, so no wonder she thinks that way! > I never say things like that anymore (you know because it can get back to the person, plus > I am not interested in gossip at my age) But I was angry, since I was bullied in school and > this woman sort of does the same thing to me at WORK. In a much more subtle way. > But anyway...don't feel you have to put up or socialize with a bully. You don't, and you > are probably not the only person who feels this way. > Sorry....this got me all ramped up! Haha...but just my two cents, > good luck > ~patricia > a difficult person > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 What to say to an intrusive question: " Why do you ask? " What to say to a rude comment: " What is your reason for sharing that with me? " Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 Wow Kathleen, For a twenty year old you are wise beyond your years. You are so right....that some one trying to tear down another person for no good reason and after all *we* (everyone) has been through, it IS a joke! I will try to remember this; it is such a great angle to have. I love what you said about forgiving right away even if you are still angry. I like that thought. thanks, ~patricia a difficult person > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 On the stop breathing thing? Just a guess :0) I know I used to (still do sometimes) stop breathing and cower and hold my breath until I felt ill but now I focus on breathing a lot... I think, 'you creepy jerk... I refuse to give you the air from my lungs so you can kill a bit of me ever again'... it works. I'll just be a little blunt about your " Friend " ... she's a bi%ch. Nothing more, nothing less. Buy a bigger house and have your fabulous well dressed kids dance in the yard! Lynnette > > > > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > > > > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > > > > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > > > > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > > > > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > > > > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > > > > > Thanks as always, > > > le > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 In or out of the BP world, there are people who are just asses. If you live in a small town, as I do, trust me, EVERYBODY else in town knows that these people are overbearing, obnoxious asses. You don t subject yourself to such people. Remove her from your FB friends list. Set your privacy settings to friends only and she will never see anything you post, nor will you see her obnoxious rantings. Block her from your FB msgs, and from your email. Let her find someone else to feed on, before she comes back to eat your liver. She is a toxic person. Continued consumption will have long term side effects. I would suggest reading the book " Safe People " by Cloud and Townsend. It will give you more than this. But unsafe and toxic people are not worth the cost of keeping the relationship. It is a one way drain, they take from you and never put anything positive for you into the relationship. On a side note, are you sure this woman isnt a BP? Doug > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 Deanna, As I ve healed from Infectious Nada Syndrome, I ve become a lot less nice about things like that. What to say to an intrusive question? I m afraid that is none of your business. If I wanted you to know, I would have told you. What to say to a rude comment. What an incredibly rude thing to say. No wonder you have so few friends. You need to stop talking to me now. ( As I walk away. ) > > What to say to an intrusive question: > " Why do you ask? " > > What to say to a rude comment: > " What is your reason for sharing that with me? " > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 ha ha Doug! Those work too!!! ;-) > > > > What to say to an intrusive question: > > " Why do you ask? " > > > > What to say to a rude comment: > > " What is your reason for sharing that with me? " > > > > Deanna > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 Wow!! I'm getting a lot of needed reassurance here. I thought maybe I was just being paranoid or supersensitive as nada used to accuse me. I have a lot of trouble deciding if someone is toxic because I don't want to be critical of everyone like nada always was and split them black instantly and I also don't know what normal human interactions look like. When I first met this woman I described, I didn't like her at all but a common interest brought us together again and our kids really like to play together. I decided to give her another chance and I just don't like how things are going. I don't mind people who have strong opinions, but I don't really get a chance to ever voice my opinion. Her husband is opinionated to the point of being ridiculous--he basically lectures you the entire time you're around him. I don't want to offend anyone here, but he's 25 and I am pushing 37 and I sometimes want to just smile sweetly and say, " You'll grow up soon, dear. " The woman I described is also very clingy and if I don't return her calls quickly, she thinks I am mad at her. Aargh. I just got away from nada and now look at the mess I'm getting in! It's really stealing the joy out of our new house. First I have to worry about nada stalking me at the new location and now these comments from this person. I'm finally going to have a place to call my own and homeschool my kids. Everybody needs to quit being weird! Thanks for the answers. le > > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough > confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural > community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded > families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only > homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are > similar, etc. > > > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying > to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very > aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. > She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had > been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband > was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after > renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and > husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a > dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was > unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many > different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is > getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has > solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along > with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and > more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over > for dinner that they never come back. > > > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about > this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have > a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to > post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some > people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house > that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of > 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a > small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't > help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I > save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then > she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a > couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm > dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a > professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my > kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. > I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A > that I've described? > > > > Thanks as always, > > le > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 One word, disengage! You can disengage politely, you can disengage rudely, you can disengage subtly or overtly - all up to your personal style and what you can live with. But disengage! One of the worst KO legacies for me and I can see you share it as well it the feelings of panic that come with realizing you've let someone harmful into your life. Worry over what may happen as you work to get them out. Will they take revenge, how low will they go are fears here. Growing up with a nada is having the harmful person as close as is possible to you - your own mother - with no choice or option to get away or regulate it (when we're young) and I think the echoes of that happen every time an unpleasant person accidentally ends up in our world. Stand strong! People become casual friends and drift apart and away all the time...it's no crime. > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2010 Report Share Posted April 29, 2010 le, I had this friend for a couple years (and it has been about two years since I have been friends with her). There were ways in which I was very fond of her, and really valued our connection. But in other ways she was clingy, in a strange way, like coming over unannounced and then staying for a really long time. Same with the phone. And if I didn't answer she would question me when I did call her back. One time we were driving somewhere and her daughter, who was 16 was in the car and I was telling a story with the word *rape* in it. And this person said: Please don't say that in front of my daughter. The daughter rolled her eyes, and I said~ uh..okay. Later she recounted the event as me saying: This is my car and I will say what I want. Well I would never ever say anything like that to anyone! There were other times when we would talk and talk and she would be like a cat you pet a bit too long, and she would turn on me, and attack me. It happened a couple times. And I began to feel a dread around being with her. Finally when my father died, she ran into me at our local transfer station. And she kept asking me what she could do and I said: I really don't know. And she said: there's nothing a friend can do? As though I had to come up with something .....it was more pressure at a time when I was very depressed and in distress. So I wrote her an email and said that I didn't think I could be the kind of friend she needed. And that was pretty much it. (I said more in the email). I feel bad and don't want to run into her, but I had to respect myself and my time and my emotional energy field. I know this is kind of long, but it seems if someone is stealing your joy, you ought to really distance yourself from this person; enjoy your new house. ~patricia Re: a difficult person Wow!! I'm getting a lot of needed reassurance here. I thought maybe I was just being paranoid or supersensitive as nada used to accuse me. I have a lot of trouble deciding if someone is toxic because I don't want to be critical of everyone like nada always was and split them black instantly and I also don't know what normal human interactions look like. When I first met this woman I described, I didn't like her at all but a common interest brought us together again and our kids really like to play together. I decided to give her another chance and I just don't like how things are going. I don't mind people who have strong opinions, but I don't really get a chance to ever voice my opinion. Her husband is opinionated to the point of being ridiculous--he basically lectures you the entire time you're around him. I don't want to offend anyone here, but he's 25 and I am pushing 37 and I sometimes want to just smile sweetly and say, " You'll grow up soon, dear. " The woman I described is also very clingy and if I don't return her calls quickly, she thinks I am mad at her. Aargh. I just got away from nada and now look at the mess I'm getting in! It's really stealing the joy out of our new house. First I have to worry about nada stalking me at the new location and now these comments from this person. I'm finally going to have a place to call my own and homeschool my kids. Everybody needs to quit being weird! Thanks for the answers. le > > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough > confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural > community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded > families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only > homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are > similar, etc. > > > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying > to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very > aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. > She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had > been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband > was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after > renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and > husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a > dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was > unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many > different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is > getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has > solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along > with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and > more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over > for dinner that they never come back. > > > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about > this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have > a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to > post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some > people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house > that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of > 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a > small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't > help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I > save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then > she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a > couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm > dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a > professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my > kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. > I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A > that I've described? > > > > Thanks as always, > > le > > > ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 30, 2010 Report Share Posted April 30, 2010 In short, start with defriending A. More below. --- <it> [...] A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me.</it> --- Inappropriate and disrespectful! She has to be aggressive and bossy to bully people into staying her friend, if I had to guess. <it> [...]husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. [...] This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! [...] She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. [...]This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " </it> -- What an abhorrent personality. No wonder people don't come back. <it>[...]she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. </it> -- They were. [...] When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. -- Probably a lie. [...]Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? -- Defriend her at the very least. She is toxic. Doesn't matter if she's bpd. If she's sending you here, she's causing you pain. Cut her out of your life like she's cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2010 Report Share Posted May 1, 2010 Something I've noticed over the years - the dumber people are, the louder and more aggressive they get. (Which is why drunks in bars tend to get loud - their mental capacity decreases and their volume level rises. Also see: Any Jerry Springer show.) People who feel inferior to others because of income, education level, or just being " outclassed " in some way - will often overcompensate by trying to run the conversation or emphasize their own point of view, rather than listening and responding in a mature, give-and-take conversational exchange. I could send you some family Christmas videos of my idiot redneck in-laws to illustrate the point, but I imagine you know what I'm talking about... If your kids enjoy their kids, you may have to see her during soccer games or public-park outings, but you can treat this woman and her awful husband the way we treat a Nada - public meetings only, with an escape route planned. If the kids go to school together, that might be plenty of contact for them without you having to endure additional " entertainment " with the parents. You could always try to explain your decision to her, but it would probably be pointless - she's clueless as to why people never come back to her house for dinner, so she's obviously not into self-examination. Just disengage - no excuses, no apologies. > > In short, start with defriending A. More below. > > --- > <it> [...] A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me.</it> > --- Inappropriate and disrespectful! She has to be aggressive and bossy to bully people into staying her friend, if I had to guess. > > <it> [...]husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. > [...] This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! > [...] She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > [...]This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " </it> > -- What an abhorrent personality. No wonder people don't come back. > > <it>[...]she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. </it> > -- They were. > > [...] When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > -- Probably a lie. > > [...]Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > -- Defriend her at the very least. She is toxic. Doesn't matter if she's bpd. If she's sending you here, she's causing you pain. Cut her out of your life like she's cancer. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2010 Report Share Posted May 2, 2010 i like this very much.. not always easy to do especially at first but when you put your mind to it and practice a little, it works! wonderfully well i think.  thanks for sharing your good suggestions here. Subject: Re: a difficult person To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, April 29, 2010, 11:57 AM  First of all... you breathe! Then you just laugh, smile and wave. And buy your house and go shopping and live your life! One of the hardest things for me as a KO was to get to the point where I feel like I don't owe anyone an apology, an explanation, a justification, ANYTHING for choices/decisions *I* make for *me and mine*. Period. There are people who will push for a reaction (think our BPD folks) in order to validate and communicate and 'feel'... sounds like A is one of those people. Her life blows chunks and so she's feeding off of yours and trying to knock you off your hard-earned keel. Don't give it and give her the reaction (s) she's looking for. Just smile and wave and ignore her stabs on FB...Normal people aren't fooled by her comments. We all have the " freak friend/FB stalker-poster " (mine is Nada - she's provided hours of entertainment for my friends how message me and say " WOW! " ) What people say speaks volumes about THEM... NOT about YOU. Don't let it be about you and just go on with your life. But do it with a smile and a wave and a friendly 'how-do'... and don't go back for dinner ;o) Lynnette > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > Thanks as always, > le > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2010 Report Share Posted May 10, 2010 I believe this is the best course, too. I had a mentor who used to say, 'look with wonder at what will happen next' or something like that. She said it alot, and she would turn her face slightly up and have a look of anticipation on her face, it was kind of funny. At the same time it was so true what she was saying as far as gearing my responses toward observation of the things going on around me, instead of getting into my head and starting to plan reactions or things to say in response. It gives me time to observe, which you really don't have in a dysfunctional home. you are always having to react on the spot to craziness, and I learned to live with being panicked and anxious all the time as a normal state of affairs. I think sometimes eventually with people like this if you don't do what they want, they will become passive-aggressive, and the best course is to just feign innocence to whatever the accuse you of. " Really? I had no idea. " Just throwing this out there but it's possible that these women are triggering you (the original poster I mean) because they might have energy that reminds you of the borderline in your life. So it's like your 'early warning system' is going off. That might be more of what you need to focus on than the specific circumstances of the dysfunction. > > > > After years of isolating myself, I have finally gained enough confidence to start meeting people. Although I live in a very rural community, we have discovered that there are a number of like minded families. We homeschool and although we don't limit ourselves to only homeschooling families it is nice to find so that our schedules are similar, etc. > > > > I have extreme problems with wanting to please people and I'm trying to get over that. My problem is with a person I will call A. A is very aggressive and bossy towards me and is almost 10 years younger than me. She invited us over to her house for supper and DH and I went. It had been years since we had gone to anyone's house for dinner. Her husband was even more aggressive. We are in the process of buying a house after renting 1000 sq. ft. house for two years following a relocation and husband of A sat and talked about how he just thought it was such a dreadful idea to buy a house and that he will always rent. It was unbelievable. My husband and I are both college grads and have many different life experiences. This couple is a decade younger than us, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy, didn't go to college, and has solutions to everything!! I will need to figure out how to get along with A because of the size of the community, but it's making me more and more uncomfortable. She did mention that often after she has people over for dinner that they never come back. > > > > Then there is the facebook issue. I am trying not to be paranoid about this. I am friends with A on FB. I posted once that I would like to have a second table to make homeschooling easier. This woman always has to post a comment like, " You should be thankful you have one table. Some people don't have any. " After finding out that we were buying a house that's around 2000 sq. ft., which I think is just fine for a family of 5, she started posting quotes from famous people about how living in a small space makes you more creative and enriches the mind. I couldn't help but think that those quotes were aimed at me. > > > > I save all of my kids clothes and then the next kid wears them and I save a lot of money this way. When this woman found out about this, then she had to tell me how she quit doing this and she only buys her kids a couple of dark colored outfits from Goodwill and that's it. > > > > What do you think? I can't avoid this person. I don't know if I'm dealing with jealousy. I'm not a wild spender, but my husband works a professional job and we will have a decent home and I like to vary my kids' clothes and I don't necessarily shop at Goodwill for everything. I'm not a snot, but I do value nice things. > > > > Why can't I just have a normal friend? How would you handle person A that I've described? > > > > Thanks as always, > > le > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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