My Response to Nada's request for a Reconciliation Cookout (long)

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To recap: We (me, dh, 4 kids) lived with Nada for 7 years. We moved an hour away

in '07. I went NC with Nada 18 months ago after she called me a b!tch in front

of my 8 year old son's soccer team. She then attempted to sue us for

" grandparents rights " , and a new roof (said we owed it to her because we used

the roof for 7 years while we lived there and it started to leak a year after we

left). I have tried, unsuccessfully, to go LC with her, but give an inch, take a

mile....So she called the other day and offered to host a Reconciliation

Cookout. She told me she would TELL my siblings (who have chosen to go NC WITH

ME), that they were to forgive ME for all the horrible things I have done to

HER, and we would all just " Be a family again. " This letter is my response to

that:

I have thought about our phone conversation, and although you paint a nice

picture of a new start, it fails to meet the minimum requirement of

" reconciliation " . Reconciliation, by it's mere definition says " to settle " , " to

restore to friendship " , " to make consistent " , and " to account for " . None of

these things are present in your offer to have a reconciliation cookout. In

theory it sounds pleasant, but in actuality I don't think it could work for

several reasons:

~~We still seem to be having boundary issues. You have repeatedly told me that

" the ball is in my court " and that you will not contact me again, yet you have

sent me an email AND called. Your pushiness has been a major issue for us. I

would like to address something that you brought up the other day. You stated

that I have a bad habit of " making a mountain out of a mole hill " , then cutting

off contact. You said that was especially true when it comes to (sister). You

are definitely on to something there, but what you failed to notice was

your/sis's pattern that persists prior to that. When I stand up for what I want,

need, or my personal beliefs, you perceive me as " being difficult " because your

way is the easiest/best/most intellectual/progressive, etc. (sister) does the

same. You two don't accept MY boundaries, MY way of thinking, MY way of handling

my children, MY husband, or MY personal intellect or experience. You both talk

to me in insulting ways and offer unsolicited advice. When I politely decline,

you both have a tendency to become pushy. I usually try to use humor, or agree

with you in some small way, to try to keep the peace, but you both are highly

dogmatic in your beliefs. This leaves no room for my input-into MY OWN LIFE.

When I get frustrated that you haven't been picking up on my attempts to

politely disagree, and you continue to push your agenda, I get angry. I feel

discounted, disrespected, and inconsequential. You both have consistently been

very reactive to my frustration. This usually leads to a screaming match. I cut

off contact because I desire a more peaceful life and you two seem to use me for

emotional release. I cannot and will not match your negativity and your need for

release.

~~I feel you are using sneaky and underhanded tactics such as concealing your

number when calling. This does not show openness, honesty, accountability, nor

does it build trust-all things very necessary for reconciliation to occur. Your

forwarded email is most certainly a contrived and fraudulent one. Your

acquisition of (son's) soccer schedule, and subsequent refusal to tell me where

you got it, is another example. Again, you overstepped my boundary to not have

you at every game. Friday's sick ploy to get me to ask where the schedule came

from is another example that you are still acting in a mean spirited and

underhanded way.

~~You are forcing me to make an all or nothing decision, on your timeline. This

does not allow me autonomy, personal space, or peace of mind when you are

pushing your agenda and time frames. It causes me anxiety and frustration, both

counterproductive to reconciliation. This is further proof that you do not

respect me or give much thought to my needs or to allow TRUE reconciliation to

happen. One cannot force forgiveness.

~~I see your offer to reconcile, but desire to exclude my husband as another

tactic to " divide and conquer " my family. We are one entity-The K---- Family. We

will make 1 decision-together. You offer reconciliation one moment, but your

refusal to " forgive " (my husband) in the next, defeats your mission. I love my

husband. He is my best friend, and has been a wonderful provider for us. He has

stood by me thru all of this chaos that you and I have had. He has had nothing

but my best interest as heart. You have waffled between liking him and being

critical of me, and then hating him, and tolerating me. We have a strong

marriage and he is just as much a part of me, as the children. Your attempts at

trying to divide us (telling (my husband) about my " past " and your attempts to

turn me against him), is further evidence that you do not wish to see me happy,

as much as you wish to see yourself " right " and " needed " .

~~The main issue that I think you and I have is TRUST. Although, I no longer

*fear* you, I do not TRUST you. You have done countless irrational, underhanded,

manipulative things in the past. Your quick temper has always been an issue in

many of your relationships, and although it does seem that you are working on

your reactivity, I do not trust, yet, that this will continue. I would have to

get to know you, this " new " person you are presenting, in order to learn to

trust you. Your usual MO has always been to " get even " with me-such as

threatening to sue us only a few months after I asked for some time to get over

the humiliation I felt at that soccer game. You have a fierce drive to make sure

Your Agenda is met at all costs.

I would like to make an informal " counter offer " . This is by no means, a

set-in-stone commitment, but after all the difficult years we have had, I feel

that it is the only hope we have of EVER entering into a sane and harmonious

relationship. I would like for us to see a counselor together, preferably one

skilled specifically in BPD and Family counseling/Family reconciliation. I would

like for us to build the kind of relationship that I feel we never had, if that

is possible--a relationship based on kindness and mutual respect and most of all

TRUST. I feel that I cannot make a decision regarding the children until you and

I can trust each other. You offered a quick fix. I am offering a long term

solution.

Mom, I want nothing more than to see you happy, but more than that I want to see

you HEALTHY-mind and body. Your life has been fraught with conflict, sadness,

instability, and pain. There is nothing I won't do to HELP you, but I will do

NOTHING to keep your old patterns going. Others have shared the same observation

with me, but I am the only one who's willing to go out on a limb and tell you

the truth.

S