Re: If everything means nothing then nothing means anything

[Guest guest]

Good for you, ! That is AWESOME!

I won't be starting any families any time soon, but I've worried so much

about, what is normal parenting? and sounds like you're doing everything so

wonderfully, I don't doubt myself as much. I'm glad your kids are turning

out great--gives me hope that mine will be just fine! Thanks for sharing.

~Holly

>

>

>

> ,

>

> I think you're doing fine. Here is my opinion on parenting....long as

> it is, sorry!

>

> I just recently read a book on attachment parenting (which I already use,

> but the book looked good). It gave this idea that one way to bond with a

> child is to hold them and let them know they're special, they're loved,

> they

> were wanted, etc...Then you ask them what THEY want, need, etc...

>

> As an aside, anyone who knows me knows I am very affectionate with my

> kids. Not in a weird way, but I hug them and tell them I love them a lot

> because I never got that.

>

> So....I said what the book said to about how special they were and then

> asked them what they want/need....

>

> Well, I wish it had gone like the book said, but the truth is, my oldest

> son (he's 12) got mad at me and said, " I want you to move. I'm trying to

> watch TV. " My daughter (she's 9) started laughing and asked if I was

> serious, and my youngest son (he's 7) said, " I want something to drink. Can

> I go

> play on the computer now? "

>

> I walked away and thought, well, they're either bonded well or completely

> detatched. LOLOL!

> Incidentally, all three of my kids have been to my therapist and she said

> they were well adjusted. Whew.

>

> On the flip side, it truly made me think. As a child, more than toys, more

> than money, more than a trip somewhere amazing, if someone had asked me

> what I wanted, I would have said, 'a mother.' Because the reality of it is

> (and I think most people here agree) people who had bpd mothers really had

> no

> mother at all...or would have been better off if they didn't have the body

> of a person they called mother in the same room with them. Besides, they

> were too busy being waif/hermit versus queen/witch and sucking everyone

> around them into their black box of confusing emotions that ran from

> suicidality to being overbearing and manipulative and stepping on everyone

> in their

> world to get what they wanted without regard for others feelings.

>

> I feel like I sound angry and bitter about my mother...and maybe I am, but

> maybe I needed to be. I spent a lot of years defending her and in many

> other ways, I think I made excuses for her because she was 'sick.' I don't

> ever want my kids to feel like I wasn't there for them, but there have been

>

> times where I just haven't been. I may have been in the same room, but I

> wasn't there emotionally. I get angry with MYSELF for that even though I am

> in

> therapy and want to overcome it and AM overcoming it. I have never denied

> I have issues and need help getting past them. I know in my heart that I'm

> not a bad mother, but, you know, I also still worry that I am. Mostly

> because my mother would say I was doing it all wrong. That attachment

> parenting

> and no-spanking rules and allowing my kids to have opinions was bad. But I

> do what my heart tells me to do and my heart tells me this feels right.

>

> My therapist tells me I am so 'in tune' with my kids. I know when they

> aren't eating like they should, if something is bothering them. I watch

> their

> sleeping patterns, what they draw, how they react. I know if there is a the

>

> slightest change in anything and if there is, I question them. At the same

> time, I have balance with it. I don't pressure them to tell me things, but

> I make myself available to them. I just, basically, do the complete

> opposite of what was done to me. I also read a lot of attachment parenting

> books

> and books on positive parenting. I read and search positive parenting

> techniques on the internet. I've gotten some great ideas. This method has

> been

> what fits for me.

>

> I was never allowed to have opinions or different ideas than my mother (or

> any adult). I was an extension of whoever I was with,

> basically...especially my mother. If I felt differently and said something

> (when I was much

> older as a teenager and adult because I didn't dare disagree with her as a

> child), I was belittled, laughed at, and told I was stupid. You just

> believe

> that's true and don't question it. I can't go to 'that place' when I was a

> child too much yet, but when I was older, I couldn't have opinions on major

>

> issues like politics or religion that disagreed with my mother because if I

>

> did, I was wrong. I was immoral. I was not in reality. But she was. She

> was moral. She was in reality. The rest of the world was in 'la-la land.' I

>

> remember not long before she died that she was constantly reporting every

> rape, murder, and beating scene she saw on CNN. I asked her if we could

> talk

> about something more pleasant. I was sick of depressing CNN. She said that

> I was never in touch with reality and I always wanted to pretend

> everything was rainbows and puff clouds. Ha!! Hardly, but that was what she

> said.

>

> I take my children seriously if they have a problem. I don't belittle them

> or tell them their problem isn't important or isn't a real problem -- as

> was told to me. I let them have their own opinions and ideas and encourage

> them to be themselves....don't like spaghetti because I like it...you like

> it because YOU like it and if you don't, that's perfectly okay! If you want

>

> to play soccer, play soccer. If you want to cheer, cheer. If you want to be

>

> in art classes, do art. Tell me. Talk to me. Tell me what YOU want and

> what makes you happy (and as seen above, I definitely get told off lol). If

> it

> is within reason and within my power to do let you do what you want, then

> that's what we'll do. We don't do things in extremes, but we have

> balance....and in this family we actually laugh....A LOT!!!

>

> So....I can look at the few examples I have here...ignoring my mother's

> neglect, her rages, her tantrums, her psychosis, her depression, her phobic

>

> panic attacks, her suicidal gestures, her refusal to get psychological help

>

> because she wasn't sick....it was everyone else...and I wonder how in

> heaven's name I had any sanity at all in order to BE a parent. I read the

> stories of people in this group and I think apparently the offspring of

> borderlines learned one thing....how to survive and how to be good parents.

>

>

>

> In a message dated 4/13/2010 5:39:47 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> coyotesun1@... <coyotesun1%40earthlink.net> writes:

>

> Thank , for you compassion,

> It's funny, I am going through a horrible time with grief; some days I am

> okay,

> some days I am breaking down, like today...and I took my son to his dad's

> so that

> I would not over-react to something he does/doesn't do, etc. Because I

> want to

> protect his feelings. Not saying I am so great; but it seems natural. But

> then many

> people just don't think past themselves..people just don't think past

> themselves..<WBR>

> fear that I will hurt my son so I am always feeling bad (I don't mean hurt

> him physically

> I mean by not doing 'the right thing'), even when he was a baby I would

> lay in bed at night

> and feel guilt for not doing this or that. I know it is directly related

> to my childhood.

> **sigh**

> thanks again,

> ~patricia

> Re: If everything means nothing then nothing

> means anything

>

> thanks ,

>

> my nada is very self centered, that's the queen in her..she's also a

> witch,

> and everything was my fault, so probably one of the reasons I didn't tell

> her at the time when it happed...I knew she'd blame me...or just not

> believe

> me...that's when I turn inside myself..realizing I was the only one who'd

> protect me..

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi Jackie,

> What you describe about how you changed during the time you were in

> KY is so messed up; your nada didn't even ask you what was up. I am so

> in touch with my son, even when he is just quiet I ask him. I probably

> over do it because I was so ignored as a child.

> Sorry..for those bad times you went through,

> ~patricia

>

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