Re: gaslighting

[Guest guest]

Oh, , I read about your experiences of gang rape so young -

firstly I am so sorry. Secondly I really understand how isolating it can

feel to have experienced really outrageous sexual abuse, and feel that

it's too difficult for anybody to hear (I was repeatedly raped by a

family friend between the ages of 8 and 10). Indeed, some people do

prefer not to hear about it.

I'd like to offer you some reassurance that you're not alone, though I

can appreciate that it feels that way. For nine years, I have been a

moderator and am now an administrator of a terrific online community for

survivors of sexual assault. There are many women there who have

experienced abuse very similar to yours, and it's a good place for

finding commonality and support.

You are most welcome to check it out further if you'd like - here's the

link: Pandora's Project <http://www.pandorasproject.org/>

I hope it isn't forward of me to ((((hug))))) you. Please also feel free

to email me if ever you think there is any way I can be of comfort to

you.

Take care - I imagine that must have taken a lot out of you to share.

Louise x

> >

> > Hi ,

> > I decided to answer your email in pieces because of the different

issues.

> > I am so sorry to hear of your struggle with recovery around being

gang raped when you

> > were so young. I do so get how people do not want to hear of

these things that have happened

> > because to them it is incomprehensible. It is not something they

have any skill with and so cannot really face it. However, I am not one

of those people. I have volunteered a lot of my time with women who

have gone through these things (and I also worked as a research

> > interviewer with women who had experienced abuse and drug issues).

> > That program I did and then volunteered for

(womeninpowerprogram.com) involved hundreds of women who have gone

through similar (some worse some not as bad) situations.

> >

> > I do know there are those who can and will gladly be with you and

*get it*. But in general most people can't do it. And I know that is

a lonesome and sometimes desperate place to be in. It does make sense

that you would want to be alone when you experience flashbacks. This is

that other aspect where people don't understand that sometimes it is

better that way.

> > (I had friends over last night, and felt that I really needed to

be alone even though I complain I am lonely...it's just sometimes you

need that when you are going through pain).

> > And yeah, censoring yourself is a very bad feeling. That is how

most of us (on this list) probably grew up to one degree or another.

> >

> > The idea that adults would not listen to you is so outrageous.

And yet, over time I see how adults are not what we think they are when

we are children.

> >

> > I am glad you are in a good place with your sexuality. And yet I

hear that there are the layers underneath of the evil that was

perpetrated on you. Again, there are those who can and will listen and

will not require you to censor yourself. I have seen some amazing

things with women helping other women to heal. Truly amazing. I

believe it is possible. Not to forget or get rid of those bad things

but to transform ourselves in that alchemy of healing that is possible.

I know there are really not the right words to articulate how it *was*

for you. Especially since you were so young when it happened and you

had no validation or savior to protect you. That is why I loved the

work I did/witnessed because there was the acceptance that *words* were

not always possible or even the best way to work on the issue(s).

> > Of course the work is ongoing for us all. But that pathway is the

one thing I have experienced a sense of joyfulness in healing; a relief

of being witnessed; and love of being cared for.

> >

> > So, anything you care to say, just letting you know, that I am not

afraid to hear it. And being alone is fine too!

> > more later,

> > ~patricia

> > Re: gaslighting

> >

> >

> > ,thank you for your caring and your counsel.I have had

to resolve,to myself,that I am in fact utterly alone in the experience I

had with the gang rapes,that happened during a period of three years

from ages 5-8.It's something nobody ever understands or wants to hear

about.My encounter with absolute evil.My therapist is the only one who

can bear any of it in the details,but she's heard so much and she did

choose that profession after all of her own free will...

> >

> > I told my girlfriend the truth: I just need to be alone

this weekend.People,including her,take that the wrong way but that is

what I do need.Not because I WANT to be alone.But because I AM.That is

what I didn't have when the rapes were happening: being able to say that

I need to be left ALONE.And to have that be respected.

> >

> > If I could simply--and it is really very simple,but

apparently too much to ask of others--share some of the details so it

would be known how bad it was,I could get it off my chest so to

speak...but it becomes an issue of making others uncomfortable,so I have

to deal with it alone except in therapy.

> >

> > Like,my girlfriend would say: But you need company right

now...as if that would be a comfort but it is NOT when I am having to

censor myself.I'd rather be alone.Because the censoring is a trigger.

> >

> > I've done everything I can think of to deal with the

flashbacks from the first hot weather: letting myself feel it/experience

it/...telling myself it's not happening now...trying to replace it with

a better/happier experience...but it's actually a catastrophe on top of

previous catastrophe so when it happened I didn't have any foundation to

rely on,just more previous horror from nada--that is why it was so

resoundingly traumatic,not that it wouldn't have been anyway.It's just

alot,alot of intensity...I was threatened with death (by burning my

house down) every time afterward and I tried eventually to get help to

no avail...my teacher laughed at me when I told her,when I believed that

death was immanent for me...it's alot to deal with...and much much much

comes up for me when the weather first gets hot,it comes over me no

matter how hard I try...and I never want it to and always hope that this

year will be different.

> >

> > I've worked on my sexuality for years and mostly it's

fine now.My girlfriend and I have a meaningful sexual rapport and mostly

it's been liberating,but not when I'm feeling like this.I do not want

those monsters to intrude.I just want to leave that out when I

can.Because having them *there* when I'm in this state is like they

win.For me,sexual ecstasy is a spiritual matter and I don't want any

evil sullying it,not when I have finally gotten to liberation.I need it

to be holy and good and transcendental.Other than when I'm swilling in

this utter despair (about MANY things related to being gang raped),I do

feel the joyousness of deep sexual connection,like I am finally free

from that horror and destruction.All I really want is to get beyond the

knowningness of pure evil but for me it is many layered--MANY--and I

have to accept that nobody is going to go there with me--except someone

I pay to do so,my therapist--and that I am completely alone in that

knowingness.

> >

> > It's something I could attempt to explain ad infinitum or

ad nauseam but only I am going to get it.I feel like even if somebody

else understood how bad it was,they will still conjecture stuff from it

that I don't,although their awareness of just how bad it was would help

somewhat.It never should have happened in the first place.And it got

worse over time because nobody stopped it.I have to live with that.Just

me,because it happened to me.

> >

> > The LPN idea...is just a means to an end.It's not what

I want to end up doing,but it would enable me to work shifts on the

weekend and go to school full time during the week.It will mean a cut in

pay for a few years but I calculated the figures and I think it will

work out in the longterm.My girlfriend's thing is :But why put yourself

through all this belt tightening just to end up with a salary like you

could have now if you just stay where you are?

> >

> > She comes from an impoverished country where you don't

throw away a prestige position when you get one because you want to

" find yourself " .Morality and security mean different things to her than

to me.She came to this country to make a better life for herself--and to

her,if you've got financial security,you'd be a fool to complain or to

give that up.I understand that with all the changes I've been going

through that my longterm plans might not seem like a sure thing to

her--and I also understand the strange insecurity of living in a foreign

country/culture since ironically I had the same thing living in *her*

country myself.I understand the wanting stability.She's a strong person

and isn't financially dependent on me,she's made her own way here,but

she's also given up alot to do that because it's just not possible to

live openly as a lesbian in Morocco and mainly what she had to trade for

her own authenticity is a family/community connection (which is HUGE is

her culture) and I do understand her needing to replace that enormous

loss with something sure and stable--and her fears of me making a big

change in direction not offering the safety and stability she needs to

rely on.

> >

> > The other thing is...she tends to believe that

dwelling on negativity perpetuates it,which is objectively true...in her

mind,if she doesn't focus too much on something,it will resolve itself

or a solution will present itself...which is also true of many things in

life,but....not trauma...that I need to process and I can only do that

by dealing with it.I wasted YEARS trying to make it all better by just

getting on with my life,but it always came back to bite me.It's really

hard in a romantic relationship to have to say: the relationship isn't

enough to heal me...and to have the partner understand it isn't them,it

is the enormity of the trauma.For her,it's like it's so upsetting (and

maybe what I've written has made her sound a bit mean and selfish when

she isn't: she does have my well being at heart,she just doesn't get

what I went through)--it's so upsetting that she doesn't understand why

I wouldn't chose to just walk away from it and leave it behind,like hand

and hand into a brighter day...OF COURSE I would want our relationship

to heal me but there is simply so much I am alone in with my own

experience and it's complicated,so many many many things I am very very

tired of having to deal with.

> >

> > I just need to be alone for a while.Faking it in any

way whatsoever right now is too triggering.It seems like I can say over

and over again that what I went through from birth was absolutely

catastrophic but it's only words that only have meaning for me.So I will

deal with that meaning alone.If needing to be alone wasn't made into a

big deal,it wouldn't seem so alienating to both of us...

> >

> > I've been through this shit so many times in the past

in relationships with the other person taking my needs for solitude

(since I AM UTTERLY ALONE IN THIS and I can say that til I'm blue in the

face and it's like I'm shouting into the wind)the wrong way and I am

just really tired of it.

> >

> > Even after all these words,I haven't been able to

explain how I feel at all.It's easier on me to just be alone,since there

is really nothing I can say about it that would clarify all this

complication that never should have been in the first place.

> >

> >

>

>

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