Trying something new...

[Guest guest]

Well, I'm 20. I'm a Junior at Western Michigan University and my mother has

always been sick, but now I know she's borderline. I only know that for sure,

not because of the fact that she'd ever admit it, but because I know that

everything I experience every day of my life is from what I went through with

her. Then I looked up how I feel, and when I read about it, it all matched up.

It's all reactionary. I know this all sounds familiar so far and that makes me

feel alright about saying it, finally.

I decided to consult an online support group because I feel trapped. I don't

even live with her anymore, I barely see her if I can help it, but even talking

to her on the phone for 10 minutes can set me off. She's supposed to be " better "

now, because she hasn't been in the hospital for a year or two--at least not for

psychiatric reasons. I have always known that's not true. Just a few weeks ago I

was home with a friend over to visit. I weighed myself in the bathroom and

walked out and said, " wow I weigh 130 pounds. I haven't weighed that little

since high school. " So her first reaction was,

" Yeah I noticed your boobs are much smaller when you walked in the door. "

Of course that one's mostly funny, but it really pissed me off. How

inappropriate of my own mother to say that to me, and how stupid it even feels

saying that because the only response I get whenever I complain about it to my

father is, " well, you know, that's just how she is. "

It's one very tiny comment amongst thousands of tiny comments over the years and

bigger ones in between. It's always about competition. She thought she was

diabetic so she stopped eating sugar, or really anything, and lost all the

weight she'd gained from her medication. Every time I saw her she'd tell me she

weighed 20 pounds less than me. I'm 5'4'' and she's 5'6'' at least. The amount

she wanted me to believe she weighed was absurd, and hurtful because I know

she's always been jealous of me. My body, my mind, my abilities and my life.

She's so competitive with me, and she knows what to say to make me feel like

absolute shit.

It's weird being so close to BPD, people think you're crazy when you talk about

it and they aren't experienced with it. Logic doesn't come into play and you

have to totally re-examine the situation itself in order to try and explain it.

For me, it ends up sounding something like this: " Well, my mother was heavily

abused as a child. When I was born all of the things that happened to her came

out. They manifested as Post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociative identity

disorder, epilepisi (or seizures anyway... now they're calling it cataplexy, who

knows), manic depression and various levels of anxiety. She tried to kill

herself a few times a month for most of my life, or went to the hospital for

some other reason. She was gone from when I was 2 until I was 4 at Menagers

(sp?) institution when it was still in Kansas. Then, when I was in high school,

her episodes became more closely related to Borderline Personality Disorder

which is almost impossible to

explain unless you experience it. "

I can't afford a therapist, I can barely afford to get by on my own and my dad

is giving me all he has available to give me. I'm working on getting a second

job, but it looks like I'll have to quit school if I actually want to save

money--and anyway it's starting to feel like I should. When I get rejected by a

guy, or have any relationship problems whatsoever I have a total meltdown.

Whenever I get in a fight with someone everything inside me immediately decides

that it was my fault, and then comes the anger. After I already feel terrible

about myself for a while, then I get angry. I've felt like this my whole life,

why do I still have to feel like this? Then I just get depressed. I have failed

almost every class I signed up for this year, after having a 3.0 for the 2 years

I attended school year before this year because of these issues.

For the rest of the time I'm just a zombie. All I want is to be dependent on

someone. I know that sounds terrible, but I just want to be taken care of. I've

been taking care of myself and my own feelings and figuring everything about the

world on my own since I was a little girl. My dad did the best he could, but he

was working most of the time, when he couldn't come back and save me from my

mother's momentous bullshit. My older brother and sister were born 10 and 13

years before I was, so they became like second parents, but they left for school

and were completely out of the house by the time I was in high school. I spent

most of high school trying to find somewhere else to be, or fighting with my

mother at home, or enjoying the peace and quiet while she was in the hospital.

Now, two of my closest friends are in a relationship and one of them has BPD.

He's constantly lashing out at her, and now that I've become very close with him

as well he lashes out at me while I'm with them. I feel like I became close with

them and spend so much time around them because they are the only ones who

understand where I'm coming from, but so much of me wants to help her leave him.

I know the world outside of the bubble BPD puts you in is huge, but it makes so

much more sense. She's only my age and she's been with him for 3 years of this.

She's so much like me, she feels so many of the same things. I love both of

them, but I have no idea how I should really be approaching my friendship with

my BPD friend. It seems very unhealthy to spend a lot of time around him for me

but when he's okay and he's not having an episode, he's wonderful. Of course now

I also owe him money from this trip we recently went on. I have no way of paying

him back right

now and don't intend on talking to him about it until I can (I know exactly

what's going to happen, and so do you). He's got a trust fund and a lot of money

in savings, and in his family in general. His family invented the spark plug.

Literally. So it's not as if I am taking away his resources by not paying him

back, I just have no idea how to approach it without causing a total guilt trip

and giving myself an anxiety attack.

I know I am so angry and I feel so guilty for being so angry, so I apologize for

it all the time. I hate feeling like this. I hate being in here I want out. I

don't know how to feel better, and so I replace the feelings with drugs. I mean

just the usual college brew: nicotine and THC. I just don't know how long I can

keep avoiding this because I can't afford to deal with it. So I hope just being

able to hear other people's stories of how they manage their relationships with

their BPD parents will help. Or in general writing to a place where people can

understand.

Anyhow I hope most of this made sense,

I hope to meet a lot of great people here. I swear this disorder and the

symptoms that get carried with it make for some incredible people.

Kathleen