Re: I must be making progress if...

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Holly,Karla,,Jackie and Fiona for your high fives and

encouragement and support :-)

I guess nons wouldn't get how major this was.Your getting it means alot.

>

> Last night while walking my dog,I had an encounter with a rather petty minded

pugnacious woman.

>

> It might not sound like much,but to me it was major.Because sometimes I do

wonder if all this hard work I'm doing on myself is even going " anywhere " .There

seem to be no huge seismic shifts,but little instances when I notice that I HAVE

made progress and it IS worth the effort.

>

> My dog had stopped to sniff at a patch of grass near the curb she always

wants to peruse and some woman we don't even know came out of her house with a

small dog.My dog is on the largish side and since the woman wasn't coming our

way,I kept my dog where she was.I mean,some people with small dogs just decide

to say away when they see us.Whatever.

>

> The woman and her little dog were only a few feet away.She was staring

at us in what I thought was an odd way.Do you guys have a radar for negativity?

That is what I felt,just this formless negativity radiating from her.It was

dark,too,so I couldn't quite see her face,just that she was staring at us.Like

glaring,it felt to me.

>

> My very dog and person friendly hound was staring back.She wanted to

go over and say hello but since the woman was keeping her distance,I kept my

dog's lead reined in and stayed where we were.

>

> The woman then said something to me,but not loud enough that I could

hear her.Her little dog wasn't on a leash and was sniffing around and since I

sensed this standoffishness from her (I assumed because she didn't want my

larger dog to approach her small one),I said from my distance, " Sorry,I didn't

hear you.What was that? "

>

> She huffily took up her dog in her arms and marched back into her

house.I thought:Whoa,ok,this woman has some issues and started to walk with my

dog in the other direction.

>

> And then there she was coming out of her house without the dog and

marching towards us.We had done nothing to make her angry.

>

> Normally,I mean in the past,the sight of an angry seeming woman

marching towards me although I had done nothing wrong would have struck deep

fear into my heart.I would have freezed up and gone on automatic pilot or just

outright dissociated.

>

> But last night,without even really noticing it,I felt annoyed.

>

> It sounds like nothing,but it was major.I was not afraid.I was ANNOYED.

>

> She marched up to us and snapped, " I SAID,you need to clean up after

your dog. "

>

> People not picking up after their dogs is one of my pet peeves.I

always bring a plastic bag on our walks.I always pick up after my dog.And my dog

hadn't even pooped OR peed in front of her house.All we had done was walk by.

>

> I told her this: My dog didn't go in front of your house.And if she

had,I would have picked it up.

>

> She was standing there arms crossed,glaring at me.She said, " The next

time,I'm going to call the police. "

>

> Again,in the past,a threat to call the police on me although I had

done nothing wrong would have made me blank out,dissolve,attempt to placate the

accuser.Because nada used that one on me as a teenager,often: I'm going to call

the police to come take you away and have you committed.(In some states a parent

can actually do this and what nada was saying wasn't just an idle threat)

>

> But last night it just annoyed me.Instead of dissociating,I responded

to her for the negative,nasty bitch she was:

>

> " What is your problem? All we did was walk past your house and my dog

didn't make a mess. "

>

> " I've had it " ,she said, " with all these people who don't clean up

after their dogs-- "

>

> I interrupted her.This is major.I can hold my own with men,but with

women I have a very hard time being assertive.I said,because it was simply the

truth, " Look,I'm not part of the problem.If my dog makes a mess,I clean it up.It

bothers me too when someone leaves a mess on my lawn and I step in it,so I don't

do that to other people.You don't have to come marching up to me with this

attitude.I'm not one of the people who don't pick up after their dogs.And my dog

didn't go in front of your house,so why are you bothering me? "

>

> She stood there and said, " I asked you kindly- "

>

> HA! She had a very aggressive attitude,very accusatory.So I

interrupted her AGAIN.

>

> " I disagree.In fact,I think you're a bit pugnacious.This isn't

necessary,you could have attempted to just speak to me about it,you didn't have

to accuse like this. "

>

> She gasped like she was affronted,like how could I possibly suggest

she wasn't being nice.I mean,really.She was acting like a complete bitch.But she

recovered quickly and shot back, " I'm going to call the police the next time.I've

had it with cleaning up after other people's dogs. "

>

> I said to her, " Good.You do that,you call the police if someone

ACTUALLY leaves a mess for you to clean up.I hope you file a detailed report.But

my dog and I aren't part of the problem and I don't need to be bitched at by

you " and I walked away.

>

> I walked away.I ended that ridiculous,nasty exchange.I didn't tolerate

being falsely accused or try to appease her.I said my piece,I defended

myself,and I walked away.

>

> In the past,the recent past even,I would have crumbled.Angry women

scare the sh*t out of me.I would have let her gripe at me and accuse me and I

would have been frozen to the spot,dissociating too much to say a word.

>

> I haven't been able to understand how people just state their case to

a raging or negative woman--even seeing them in action it was like,wow,how did

they do that? Why is it so easy for them and so impossible for me?

>

> This is major also because I stayed present the entire time and just

felt normal feelings.A pique of annoyance,not overwhelmed by terror and then

afterward enraged with myself for being such a wuss and stewing over it.I also

didn't feel angry afterward because I knew that I had adequately defended

myself,just a sort of rolling my eyes at her feeling.

>

> I really am making progress.

>

> Does anyone else have an " I must be making progress if... " moment to

share?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Holly,Karla,,Jackie and Fiona for your high fives and

encouragement and support :-)

I guess nons wouldn't get how major this was.Your getting it means alot.

>

> Last night while walking my dog,I had an encounter with a rather petty minded

pugnacious woman.

>

> It might not sound like much,but to me it was major.Because sometimes I do

wonder if all this hard work I'm doing on myself is even going " anywhere " .There

seem to be no huge seismic shifts,but little instances when I notice that I HAVE

made progress and it IS worth the effort.

>

> My dog had stopped to sniff at a patch of grass near the curb she always

wants to peruse and some woman we don't even know came out of her house with a

small dog.My dog is on the largish side and since the woman wasn't coming our

way,I kept my dog where she was.I mean,some people with small dogs just decide

to say away when they see us.Whatever.

>

> The woman and her little dog were only a few feet away.She was staring

at us in what I thought was an odd way.Do you guys have a radar for negativity?

That is what I felt,just this formless negativity radiating from her.It was

dark,too,so I couldn't quite see her face,just that she was staring at us.Like

glaring,it felt to me.

>

> My very dog and person friendly hound was staring back.She wanted to

go over and say hello but since the woman was keeping her distance,I kept my

dog's lead reined in and stayed where we were.

>

> The woman then said something to me,but not loud enough that I could

hear her.Her little dog wasn't on a leash and was sniffing around and since I

sensed this standoffishness from her (I assumed because she didn't want my

larger dog to approach her small one),I said from my distance, " Sorry,I didn't

hear you.What was that? "

>

> She huffily took up her dog in her arms and marched back into her

house.I thought:Whoa,ok,this woman has some issues and started to walk with my

dog in the other direction.

>

> And then there she was coming out of her house without the dog and

marching towards us.We had done nothing to make her angry.

>

> Normally,I mean in the past,the sight of an angry seeming woman

marching towards me although I had done nothing wrong would have struck deep

fear into my heart.I would have freezed up and gone on automatic pilot or just

outright dissociated.

>

> But last night,without even really noticing it,I felt annoyed.

>

> It sounds like nothing,but it was major.I was not afraid.I was ANNOYED.

>

> She marched up to us and snapped, " I SAID,you need to clean up after

your dog. "

>

> People not picking up after their dogs is one of my pet peeves.I

always bring a plastic bag on our walks.I always pick up after my dog.And my dog

hadn't even pooped OR peed in front of her house.All we had done was walk by.

>

> I told her this: My dog didn't go in front of your house.And if she

had,I would have picked it up.

>

> She was standing there arms crossed,glaring at me.She said, " The next

time,I'm going to call the police. "

>

> Again,in the past,a threat to call the police on me although I had

done nothing wrong would have made me blank out,dissolve,attempt to placate the

accuser.Because nada used that one on me as a teenager,often: I'm going to call

the police to come take you away and have you committed.(In some states a parent

can actually do this and what nada was saying wasn't just an idle threat)

>

> But last night it just annoyed me.Instead of dissociating,I responded

to her for the negative,nasty bitch she was:

>

> " What is your problem? All we did was walk past your house and my dog

didn't make a mess. "

>

> " I've had it " ,she said, " with all these people who don't clean up

after their dogs-- "

>

> I interrupted her.This is major.I can hold my own with men,but with

women I have a very hard time being assertive.I said,because it was simply the

truth, " Look,I'm not part of the problem.If my dog makes a mess,I clean it up.It

bothers me too when someone leaves a mess on my lawn and I step in it,so I don't

do that to other people.You don't have to come marching up to me with this

attitude.I'm not one of the people who don't pick up after their dogs.And my dog

didn't go in front of your house,so why are you bothering me? "

>

> She stood there and said, " I asked you kindly- "

>

> HA! She had a very aggressive attitude,very accusatory.So I

interrupted her AGAIN.

>

> " I disagree.In fact,I think you're a bit pugnacious.This isn't

necessary,you could have attempted to just speak to me about it,you didn't have

to accuse like this. "

>

> She gasped like she was affronted,like how could I possibly suggest

she wasn't being nice.I mean,really.She was acting like a complete bitch.But she

recovered quickly and shot back, " I'm going to call the police the next time.I've

had it with cleaning up after other people's dogs. "

>

> I said to her, " Good.You do that,you call the police if someone

ACTUALLY leaves a mess for you to clean up.I hope you file a detailed report.But

my dog and I aren't part of the problem and I don't need to be bitched at by

you " and I walked away.

>

> I walked away.I ended that ridiculous,nasty exchange.I didn't tolerate

being falsely accused or try to appease her.I said my piece,I defended

myself,and I walked away.

>

> In the past,the recent past even,I would have crumbled.Angry women

scare the sh*t out of me.I would have let her gripe at me and accuse me and I

would have been frozen to the spot,dissociating too much to say a word.

>

> I haven't been able to understand how people just state their case to

a raging or negative woman--even seeing them in action it was like,wow,how did

they do that? Why is it so easy for them and so impossible for me?

>

> This is major also because I stayed present the entire time and just

felt normal feelings.A pique of annoyance,not overwhelmed by terror and then

afterward enraged with myself for being such a wuss and stewing over it.I also

didn't feel angry afterward because I knew that I had adequately defended

myself,just a sort of rolling my eyes at her feeling.

>

> I really am making progress.

>

> Does anyone else have an " I must be making progress if... " moment to

share?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Holly,Karla,,Jackie and Fiona for your high fives and

encouragement and support :-)

I guess nons wouldn't get how major this was.Your getting it means alot.

>

> Last night while walking my dog,I had an encounter with a rather petty minded

pugnacious woman.

>

> It might not sound like much,but to me it was major.Because sometimes I do

wonder if all this hard work I'm doing on myself is even going " anywhere " .There

seem to be no huge seismic shifts,but little instances when I notice that I HAVE

made progress and it IS worth the effort.

>

> My dog had stopped to sniff at a patch of grass near the curb she always

wants to peruse and some woman we don't even know came out of her house with a

small dog.My dog is on the largish side and since the woman wasn't coming our

way,I kept my dog where she was.I mean,some people with small dogs just decide

to say away when they see us.Whatever.

>

> The woman and her little dog were only a few feet away.She was staring

at us in what I thought was an odd way.Do you guys have a radar for negativity?

That is what I felt,just this formless negativity radiating from her.It was

dark,too,so I couldn't quite see her face,just that she was staring at us.Like

glaring,it felt to me.

>

> My very dog and person friendly hound was staring back.She wanted to

go over and say hello but since the woman was keeping her distance,I kept my

dog's lead reined in and stayed where we were.

>

> The woman then said something to me,but not loud enough that I could

hear her.Her little dog wasn't on a leash and was sniffing around and since I

sensed this standoffishness from her (I assumed because she didn't want my

larger dog to approach her small one),I said from my distance, " Sorry,I didn't

hear you.What was that? "

>

> She huffily took up her dog in her arms and marched back into her

house.I thought:Whoa,ok,this woman has some issues and started to walk with my

dog in the other direction.

>

> And then there she was coming out of her house without the dog and

marching towards us.We had done nothing to make her angry.

>

> Normally,I mean in the past,the sight of an angry seeming woman

marching towards me although I had done nothing wrong would have struck deep

fear into my heart.I would have freezed up and gone on automatic pilot or just

outright dissociated.

>

> But last night,without even really noticing it,I felt annoyed.

>

> It sounds like nothing,but it was major.I was not afraid.I was ANNOYED.

>

> She marched up to us and snapped, " I SAID,you need to clean up after

your dog. "

>

> People not picking up after their dogs is one of my pet peeves.I

always bring a plastic bag on our walks.I always pick up after my dog.And my dog

hadn't even pooped OR peed in front of her house.All we had done was walk by.

>

> I told her this: My dog didn't go in front of your house.And if she

had,I would have picked it up.

>

> She was standing there arms crossed,glaring at me.She said, " The next

time,I'm going to call the police. "

>

> Again,in the past,a threat to call the police on me although I had

done nothing wrong would have made me blank out,dissolve,attempt to placate the

accuser.Because nada used that one on me as a teenager,often: I'm going to call

the police to come take you away and have you committed.(In some states a parent

can actually do this and what nada was saying wasn't just an idle threat)

>

> But last night it just annoyed me.Instead of dissociating,I responded

to her for the negative,nasty bitch she was:

>

> " What is your problem? All we did was walk past your house and my dog

didn't make a mess. "

>

> " I've had it " ,she said, " with all these people who don't clean up

after their dogs-- "

>

> I interrupted her.This is major.I can hold my own with men,but with

women I have a very hard time being assertive.I said,because it was simply the

truth, " Look,I'm not part of the problem.If my dog makes a mess,I clean it up.It

bothers me too when someone leaves a mess on my lawn and I step in it,so I don't

do that to other people.You don't have to come marching up to me with this

attitude.I'm not one of the people who don't pick up after their dogs.And my dog

didn't go in front of your house,so why are you bothering me? "

>

> She stood there and said, " I asked you kindly- "

>

> HA! She had a very aggressive attitude,very accusatory.So I

interrupted her AGAIN.

>

> " I disagree.In fact,I think you're a bit pugnacious.This isn't

necessary,you could have attempted to just speak to me about it,you didn't have

to accuse like this. "

>

> She gasped like she was affronted,like how could I possibly suggest

she wasn't being nice.I mean,really.She was acting like a complete bitch.But she

recovered quickly and shot back, " I'm going to call the police the next time.I've

had it with cleaning up after other people's dogs. "

>

> I said to her, " Good.You do that,you call the police if someone

ACTUALLY leaves a mess for you to clean up.I hope you file a detailed report.But

my dog and I aren't part of the problem and I don't need to be bitched at by

you " and I walked away.

>

> I walked away.I ended that ridiculous,nasty exchange.I didn't tolerate

being falsely accused or try to appease her.I said my piece,I defended

myself,and I walked away.

>

> In the past,the recent past even,I would have crumbled.Angry women

scare the sh*t out of me.I would have let her gripe at me and accuse me and I

would have been frozen to the spot,dissociating too much to say a word.

>

> I haven't been able to understand how people just state their case to

a raging or negative woman--even seeing them in action it was like,wow,how did

they do that? Why is it so easy for them and so impossible for me?

>

> This is major also because I stayed present the entire time and just

felt normal feelings.A pique of annoyance,not overwhelmed by terror and then

afterward enraged with myself for being such a wuss and stewing over it.I also

didn't feel angry afterward because I knew that I had adequately defended

myself,just a sort of rolling my eyes at her feeling.

>

> I really am making progress.

>

> Does anyone else have an " I must be making progress if... " moment to

share?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well,bravo to you too,MP!

Saying something assertive and being moble,as in walking out,puts the ball

back into OUR court.

And yes,damn it does feel good.Being able to WALK is definitely HUGE.I

think it's the ultimate saying no,I will not tolerate your invalidation.

I say,good for you.That *is* progress.And I think yours is a GREAT

example

>

> Bravo !  Don't have a good example off the top of my head, but I

think it feels so good when you start being able to face trigger situations

without dissociating! 

>

> I guess my " I must be making progress if... " moment was this weekned when nada

visited.  Because when she started with the invalidating " I don't know what

kind of a mother you think I was... " blah blah blah stuff I felt myself starting

to dissociate (vision blurred, stopped breathing) and stopped myself, said

something assertive and walked out.  That was HUGE for me.

>

[Guest guest]

Arianna,I can relate to having these kinds of encounters.I've had a few

myself.I've been working alot on my dissociation (which included having a

version of DID and having other " parts " take over under stress,I leave that out

most of the time for the sake of brevity since that would really complicate my

posts but fairly recently I've integrated those parts and what was so amazing to

me about what happened the other night is that I just reacted to that woman as

*me* and even after I walked away there was no " parts chatter " in my head,only

me thinking clearly about where I wanted to walk my dog,just me being there in

the moment,a very calm feeling,so grounded and good)

Anyone being nasty to a pregnant woman gets on my nerves,really

does.That woman you encountered sounds like a dolt.Calling you a fat heifer,what

an idiot.And a lazy bitch...my god...it sounds like she was just mindlessly

lashing out,not that it excuses it at all.Just that she was mindless.Yuck.

I've been pregnant twice in my life.I can't carry a baby to term.But

the second time,when I was in a long term relationship with a man,I didn't know

that yet and when I got pregnant and didn't miscarry early on,I thought I was

going to become a mother.I wanted to be.I lost the baby at four months gestation

and while I was pregnant I felt more vulnerable than I had ever felt,like really

rawly vulnerable.I guess it was hormones? But I had the keenest,most painful

sense while I was pregnant of how cruel the world can be and I felt so sensitive

to any mean behavior from others.I don't know if all pregnant women feel that

way,but remembering that if I even suspect a woman I encounter might be

pregnant,I try to be extra gentle with her.

How that woman in the parking lot treated you would have reduced me to

tears when I was pregnant and no,I wouldn't have been up to grocery shopping

either! It would have made me want to go home and huddle under the covers in bed

until I recovered.

What a nasty! I'd remember her words verbatim,too: they would have

resounded in my head.

I know what you mean about feeling hopeless and helpless when falsely

accused,no matter how innocent you are.Pregnant or not.I've felt that so many

times.And feeling condemned.Over nothing,over something you hadn't even done.

It's really not ok for any angry woman to make us a target for their

rage.I think you have to just tell them to go to hell,since that is what they're

asking for,lol.

And to mean it.They don't deserve our sympathy or understanding if

they choose to attack us.I think that is key.They need to be called on their

aggressive behavior and if they decide to have a cow about it,that's their

problem.

When I walked away from that woman the other night,I didn't look

back.She didn't deserve the concern of me looking back to see " how she was " .It

was my not CARING that helped me out here.

That woman was such a negative ninny to you.That's what they are.I hope

if anyone pulls a stunt like that with you again,you'll just tell them to go to

hell with as much class as you can,but still... That's all they understand

anyway,when they're in that kind of negative frame of mind.

I'm glad my experience was encouraging to you--I hate to engage in being

a bitch back,but when they're asking for it...

>

>

> Dear ,

>

> That is so affirming and encouraging! I feel like I am getting better at

fending off attacks like that now - now that I know what BPD is and that it's

not OK for any angry woman to rage at me, but I don't know if I am at a place

where I can consistently be as gracious and strong as you were in that exchange.

I know I have made progress, but there is more ahead.

>

> Before I learned what BPD was and was finally able to put together all the

pieces of the crazy puzzle that was my mother's behavior, I would freeze when

people attacked me. I remember one seemingly small episode from about 7 years

ago when I was pregnant with my second baby. I was 5 months pregnant and it was

winter, I was wearing a long wool coat boots and gloves. The coat was wide in

the middle to accommodate my belly. I had just parked my car at the grocery

store parking lot and gotten out. I pushed the button to lock it and started to

walk towards the store. The owner of the car parked next to mine (on the other,

farther side from the store entrance) suddenly called out to me. I turned around

and at that point she pointed to the grocery cart behind the corner of the car

and started yelling at me:

>

> " If you weren't such a lazy b-tch, and walked your cart back to where it

belongs after you shop, you wouldn't look like such a fat heifer! "

>

> Yes, I remember her words VERBATIM, to this day. I just stood there dazed,

suddenly feeling 6 or 8 or 11 or 13 or 15 years old again. I stood there feeling

wrongly accused again and feeling hopeless and helpless, feeling like no matter

how innocent I was, I would still be condemned.

>

> I am not a large person, I am only 5'4 " and have never been fat (except maybe

when I was a baby with baby fat), even while pregnant. At 5'4 " , I have gone up

to 145 lbs after having my kids then had to be careful to get back down to the

120s range, but never been fat. I was pregnant, wearing a big wool coat that hid

my entire body. I had just gotten out of my car to GO grocery shopping and I

certainly hadn't brought a cart and left it behind her car. And yet, I couldn't

get any of this out, so I just stood there, frozen, dazed. She glared, huffed

and puffed then pushed the cart out of the way, got in her car and screeched out

of the parking lot. I started sobbing in the middle of the parking lot. I got

back inside my car and finally called my husband, who told me to just come home

and forget the groceries - he would go later.

>

> I hope that if anyone tries to pull a stunt like that on me again, I will be

able to handle it as well as you did, .

>

> Arianna

>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah,,why *should* people get away with harassing someone else with no

consequences to *them*.It seems to me that they would learn nothing but to

keeping indulging themselves in their own bad behavior.I hate to have

confrontations with women.I think men tend to be much more transparent in a

confrontation,as a general rule that doesn't include fada and my brother lol,but

most men let you know exactly what they think in an above board way in a

confrontation.Women fight dirtier and use their nails...ouch...

Thank you for saying that I deserve to be free and happy So

do you.

And to borrow again from Connie:

May we all heal!!!!!

>

> Hi ~

> I love how you overcame your previous habits and were able to talk this

situation out with this woman. I really do know how terrifying these weird

situations can be with women, and to get through it in this calm progressive way

is impressive! I sort of adopted a sense of 'why bother' and I think that is

not necessarily a good thing, because we need to show to ourselves (our inner

child if we must identify it) that we can defend ourselves in the world. It's a

strange thing to think that this is what we must do amongst our own species, but

of course it is obviously the most true thing. Especially coming from families

with these types of abusive mental disorders. Our inner-self/child needs to

know that we can protect and provide boundaries, rather than walk away. (of

course sometimes we do need to walk away if the situation is dangerous or just

psychically draining).

>

> Plus, why should people get away with harassing people with no recourse?

> I have had a few situations where I have stood up for my boundaries. And I

was glad and surprised with myself. It is most hard with people I know. I hate

confrontation. Sadly, I feel guilty for the boundaries and anger I was having

with my sister in the past couple years.

> I wish I could have handled it differently. But that is the kind of regret we

all live with.

>

> Anyway...congratulations; you are making progress And you so deserve to be

a happy and

> free person.

> ~patricia

> I must be making progress if...

>

>

> Last night while walking my dog,I had an encounter with a rather petty

minded pugnacious woman.

>

> It might not sound like much,but to me it was major.Because sometimes I

do wonder if all this hard work I'm doing on myself is even going

" anywhere " .There seem to be no huge seismic shifts,but little instances when I

notice that I HAVE made progress and it IS worth the effort.

>

> My dog had stopped to sniff at a patch of grass near the curb she

always wants to peruse and some woman we don't even know came out of her house

with a small dog.My dog is on the largish side and since the woman wasn't coming

our way,I kept my dog where she was.I mean,some people with small dogs just

decide to say away when they see us.Whatever.

>

> The woman and her little dog were only a few feet away.She was

staring at us in what I thought was an odd way.Do you guys have a radar for

negativity? That is what I felt,just this formless negativity radiating from

her.It was dark,too,so I couldn't quite see her face,just that she was staring

at us.Like glaring,it felt to me.

>

> My very dog and person friendly hound was staring back.She wanted to

go over and say hello but since the woman was keeping her distance,I kept my

dog's lead reined in and stayed where we were.

>

> The woman then said something to me,but not loud enough that I could

hear her.Her little dog wasn't on a leash and was sniffing around and since I

sensed this standoffishness from her (I assumed because she didn't want my

larger dog to approach her small one),I said from my distance, " Sorry,I didn't

hear you.What was that? "

>

> She huffily took up her dog in her arms and marched back into her

house.I thought:Whoa,ok,this woman has some issues and started to walk with my

dog in the other direction.

>

> And then there she was coming out of her house without the dog and

marching towards us.We had done nothing to make her angry.

>

> Normally,I mean in the past,the sight of an angry seeming woman

marching towards me although I had done nothing wrong would have struck deep

fear into my heart.I would have freezed up and gone on automatic pilot or just

outright dissociated.

>

> But last night,without even really noticing it,I felt annoyed.

>

> It sounds like nothing,but it was major.I was not afraid.I was

ANNOYED.

>

> She marched up to us and snapped, " I SAID,you need to clean up after

your dog. "

>

> People not picking up after their dogs is one of my pet peeves.I

always bring a plastic bag on our walks.I always pick up after my dog.And my dog

hadn't even pooped OR peed in front of her house.All we had done was walk by.

>

> I told her this: My dog didn't go in front of your house.And if she

had,I would have picked it up.

>

> She was standing there arms crossed,glaring at me.She said, " The next

time,I'm going to call the police. "

>

> Again,in the past,a threat to call the police on me although I had

done nothing wrong would have made me blank out,dissolve,attempt to placate the

accuser.Because nada used that one on me as a teenager,often: I'm going to call

the police to come take you away and have you committed.(In some states a parent

can actually do this and what nada was saying wasn't just an idle threat)

>

> But last night it just annoyed me.Instead of dissociating,I

responded to her for the negative,nasty bitch she was:

>

> " What is your problem? All we did was walk past your house and my

dog didn't make a mess. "

>

> " I've had it " ,she said, " with all these people who don't clean up

after their dogs-- "

>

> I interrupted her.This is major.I can hold my own with men,but

with women I have a very hard time being assertive.I said,because it was simply

the truth, " Look,I'm not part of the problem.If my dog makes a mess,I clean it

up.It bothers me too when someone leaves a mess on my lawn and I step in it,so I

don't do that to other people.You don't have to come marching up to me with this

attitude.I'm not one of the people who don't pick up after their dogs.And my dog

didn't go in front of your house,so why are you bothering me? "

>

> She stood there and said, " I asked you kindly- "

>

> HA! She had a very aggressive attitude,very accusatory.So I

interrupted her AGAIN.

>

> " I disagree.In fact,I think you're a bit pugnacious.This isn't

necessary,you could have attempted to just speak to me about it,you didn't have

to accuse like this. "

>

> She gasped like she was affronted,like how could I possibly suggest

she wasn't being nice.I mean,really.She was acting like a complete bitch.But she

recovered quickly and shot back, " I'm going to call the police the next time.I've

had it with cleaning up after other people's dogs. "

>

> I said to her, " Good.You do that,you call the police if someone

ACTUALLY leaves a mess for you to clean up.I hope you file a detailed report.But

my dog and I aren't part of the problem and I don't need to be bitched at by

you " and I walked away.

>

> I walked away.I ended that ridiculous,nasty exchange.I didn't

tolerate being falsely accused or try to appease her.I said my piece,I defended

myself,and I walked away.

>

> In the past,the recent past even,I would have crumbled.Angry women

scare the sh*t out of me.I would have let her gripe at me and accuse me and I

would have been frozen to the spot,dissociating too much to say a word.

>

> I haven't been able to understand how people just state their case

to a raging or negative woman--even seeing them in action it was like,wow,how

did they do that? Why is it so easy for them and so impossible for me?

>

> This is major also because I stayed present the entire time and

just felt normal feelings.A pique of annoyance,not overwhelmed by terror and

then afterward enraged with myself for being such a wuss and stewing over it.I

also didn't feel angry afterward because I knew that I had adequately defended

myself,just a sort of rolling my eyes at her feeling.

>

> I really am making progress.

>

> Does anyone else have an " I must be making progress if... " moment to

share?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER

ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Yeah,,why *should* people get away with harassing someone else with no

consequences to *them*.It seems to me that they would learn nothing but to

keeping indulging themselves in their own bad behavior.I hate to have

confrontations with women.I think men tend to be much more transparent in a

confrontation,as a general rule that doesn't include fada and my brother lol,but

most men let you know exactly what they think in an above board way in a

confrontation.Women fight dirtier and use their nails...ouch...

Thank you for saying that I deserve to be free and happy So

do you.

And to borrow again from Connie:

May we all heal!!!!!

>

> Hi ~

> I love how you overcame your previous habits and were able to talk this

situation out with this woman. I really do know how terrifying these weird

situations can be with women, and to get through it in this calm progressive way

is impressive! I sort of adopted a sense of 'why bother' and I think that is

not necessarily a good thing, because we need to show to ourselves (our inner

child if we must identify it) that we can defend ourselves in the world. It's a

strange thing to think that this is what we must do amongst our own species, but

of course it is obviously the most true thing. Especially coming from families

with these types of abusive mental disorders. Our inner-self/child needs to

know that we can protect and provide boundaries, rather than walk away. (of

course sometimes we do need to walk away if the situation is dangerous or just

psychically draining).

>

> Plus, why should people get away with harassing people with no recourse?

> I have had a few situations where I have stood up for my boundaries. And I

was glad and surprised with myself. It is most hard with people I know. I hate

confrontation. Sadly, I feel guilty for the boundaries and anger I was having

with my sister in the past couple years.

> I wish I could have handled it differently. But that is the kind of regret we

all live with.

>

> Anyway...congratulations; you are making progress And you so deserve to be

a happy and

> free person.

> ~patricia

> I must be making progress if...

>

>

> Last night while walking my dog,I had an encounter with a rather petty

minded pugnacious woman.

>

> It might not sound like much,but to me it was major.Because sometimes I

do wonder if all this hard work I'm doing on myself is even going

" anywhere " .There seem to be no huge seismic shifts,but little instances when I

notice that I HAVE made progress and it IS worth the effort.

>

> My dog had stopped to sniff at a patch of grass near the curb she

always wants to peruse and some woman we don't even know came out of her house

with a small dog.My dog is on the largish side and since the woman wasn't coming

our way,I kept my dog where she was.I mean,some people with small dogs just

decide to say away when they see us.Whatever.

>

> The woman and her little dog were only a few feet away.She was

staring at us in what I thought was an odd way.Do you guys have a radar for

negativity? That is what I felt,just this formless negativity radiating from

her.It was dark,too,so I couldn't quite see her face,just that she was staring

at us.Like glaring,it felt to me.

>

> My very dog and person friendly hound was staring back.She wanted to

go over and say hello but since the woman was keeping her distance,I kept my

dog's lead reined in and stayed where we were.

>

> The woman then said something to me,but not loud enough that I could

hear her.Her little dog wasn't on a leash and was sniffing around and since I

sensed this standoffishness from her (I assumed because she didn't want my

larger dog to approach her small one),I said from my distance, " Sorry,I didn't

hear you.What was that? "

>

> She huffily took up her dog in her arms and marched back into her

house.I thought:Whoa,ok,this woman has some issues and started to walk with my

dog in the other direction.

>

> And then there she was coming out of her house without the dog and

marching towards us.We had done nothing to make her angry.

>

> Normally,I mean in the past,the sight of an angry seeming woman

marching towards me although I had done nothing wrong would have struck deep

fear into my heart.I would have freezed up and gone on automatic pilot or just

outright dissociated.

>

> But last night,without even really noticing it,I felt annoyed.

>

> It sounds like nothing,but it was major.I was not afraid.I was

ANNOYED.

>

> She marched up to us and snapped, " I SAID,you need to clean up after

your dog. "

>

> People not picking up after their dogs is one of my pet peeves.I

always bring a plastic bag on our walks.I always pick up after my dog.And my dog

hadn't even pooped OR peed in front of her house.All we had done was walk by.

>

> I told her this: My dog didn't go in front of your house.And if she

had,I would have picked it up.

>

> She was standing there arms crossed,glaring at me.She said, " The next

time,I'm going to call the police. "

>

> Again,in the past,a threat to call the police on me although I had

done nothing wrong would have made me blank out,dissolve,attempt to placate the

accuser.Because nada used that one on me as a teenager,often: I'm going to call

the police to come take you away and have you committed.(In some states a parent

can actually do this and what nada was saying wasn't just an idle threat)

>

> But last night it just annoyed me.Instead of dissociating,I

responded to her for the negative,nasty bitch she was:

>

> " What is your problem? All we did was walk past your house and my

dog didn't make a mess. "

>

> " I've had it " ,she said, " with all these people who don't clean up

after their dogs-- "

>

> I interrupted her.This is major.I can hold my own with men,but

with women I have a very hard time being assertive.I said,because it was simply

the truth, " Look,I'm not part of the problem.If my dog makes a mess,I clean it

up.It bothers me too when someone leaves a mess on my lawn and I step in it,so I

don't do that to other people.You don't have to come marching up to me with this

attitude.I'm not one of the people who don't pick up after their dogs.And my dog

didn't go in front of your house,so why are you bothering me? "

>

> She stood there and said, " I asked you kindly- "

>

> HA! She had a very aggressive attitude,very accusatory.So I

interrupted her AGAIN.

>

> " I disagree.In fact,I think you're a bit pugnacious.This isn't

necessary,you could have attempted to just speak to me about it,you didn't have

to accuse like this. "

>

> She gasped like she was affronted,like how could I possibly suggest

she wasn't being nice.I mean,really.She was acting like a complete bitch.But she

recovered quickly and shot back, " I'm going to call the police the next time.I've

had it with cleaning up after other people's dogs. "

>

> I said to her, " Good.You do that,you call the police if someone

ACTUALLY leaves a mess for you to clean up.I hope you file a detailed report.But

my dog and I aren't part of the problem and I don't need to be bitched at by

you " and I walked away.

>

> I walked away.I ended that ridiculous,nasty exchange.I didn't

tolerate being falsely accused or try to appease her.I said my piece,I defended

myself,and I walked away.

>

> In the past,the recent past even,I would have crumbled.Angry women

scare the sh*t out of me.I would have let her gripe at me and accuse me and I

would have been frozen to the spot,dissociating too much to say a word.

>

> I haven't been able to understand how people just state their case

to a raging or negative woman--even seeing them in action it was like,wow,how

did they do that? Why is it so easy for them and so impossible for me?

>

> This is major also because I stayed present the entire time and

just felt normal feelings.A pique of annoyance,not overwhelmed by terror and

then afterward enraged with myself for being such a wuss and stewing over it.I

also didn't feel angry afterward because I knew that I had adequately defended

myself,just a sort of rolling my eyes at her feeling.

>

> I really am making progress.

>

> Does anyone else have an " I must be making progress if... " moment to

share?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER

ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Yeah,,why *should* people get away with harassing someone else with no

consequences to *them*.It seems to me that they would learn nothing but to

keeping indulging themselves in their own bad behavior.I hate to have

confrontations with women.I think men tend to be much more transparent in a

confrontation,as a general rule that doesn't include fada and my brother lol,but

most men let you know exactly what they think in an above board way in a

confrontation.Women fight dirtier and use their nails...ouch...

Thank you for saying that I deserve to be free and happy So

do you.

And to borrow again from Connie:

May we all heal!!!!!

>

> Hi ~

> I love how you overcame your previous habits and were able to talk this

situation out with this woman. I really do know how terrifying these weird

situations can be with women, and to get through it in this calm progressive way

is impressive! I sort of adopted a sense of 'why bother' and I think that is

not necessarily a good thing, because we need to show to ourselves (our inner

child if we must identify it) that we can defend ourselves in the world. It's a

strange thing to think that this is what we must do amongst our own species, but

of course it is obviously the most true thing. Especially coming from families

with these types of abusive mental disorders. Our inner-self/child needs to

know that we can protect and provide boundaries, rather than walk away. (of

course sometimes we do need to walk away if the situation is dangerous or just

psychically draining).

>

> Plus, why should people get away with harassing people with no recourse?

> I have had a few situations where I have stood up for my boundaries. And I

was glad and surprised with myself. It is most hard with people I know. I hate

confrontation. Sadly, I feel guilty for the boundaries and anger I was having

with my sister in the past couple years.

> I wish I could have handled it differently. But that is the kind of regret we

all live with.

>

> Anyway...congratulations; you are making progress And you so deserve to be

a happy and

> free person.

> ~patricia

> I must be making progress if...

>

>

> Last night while walking my dog,I had an encounter with a rather petty

minded pugnacious woman.

>

> It might not sound like much,but to me it was major.Because sometimes I

do wonder if all this hard work I'm doing on myself is even going

" anywhere " .There seem to be no huge seismic shifts,but little instances when I

notice that I HAVE made progress and it IS worth the effort.

>

> My dog had stopped to sniff at a patch of grass near the curb she

always wants to peruse and some woman we don't even know came out of her house

with a small dog.My dog is on the largish side and since the woman wasn't coming

our way,I kept my dog where she was.I mean,some people with small dogs just

decide to say away when they see us.Whatever.

>

> The woman and her little dog were only a few feet away.She was

staring at us in what I thought was an odd way.Do you guys have a radar for

negativity? That is what I felt,just this formless negativity radiating from

her.It was dark,too,so I couldn't quite see her face,just that she was staring

at us.Like glaring,it felt to me.

>

> My very dog and person friendly hound was staring back.She wanted to

go over and say hello but since the woman was keeping her distance,I kept my

dog's lead reined in and stayed where we were.

>

> The woman then said something to me,but not loud enough that I could

hear her.Her little dog wasn't on a leash and was sniffing around and since I

sensed this standoffishness from her (I assumed because she didn't want my

larger dog to approach her small one),I said from my distance, " Sorry,I didn't

hear you.What was that? "

>

> She huffily took up her dog in her arms and marched back into her

house.I thought:Whoa,ok,this woman has some issues and started to walk with my

dog in the other direction.

>

> And then there she was coming out of her house without the dog and

marching towards us.We had done nothing to make her angry.

>

> Normally,I mean in the past,the sight of an angry seeming woman

marching towards me although I had done nothing wrong would have struck deep

fear into my heart.I would have freezed up and gone on automatic pilot or just

outright dissociated.

>

> But last night,without even really noticing it,I felt annoyed.

>

> It sounds like nothing,but it was major.I was not afraid.I was

ANNOYED.

>

> She marched up to us and snapped, " I SAID,you need to clean up after

your dog. "

>

> People not picking up after their dogs is one of my pet peeves.I

always bring a plastic bag on our walks.I always pick up after my dog.And my dog

hadn't even pooped OR peed in front of her house.All we had done was walk by.

>

> I told her this: My dog didn't go in front of your house.And if she

had,I would have picked it up.

>

> She was standing there arms crossed,glaring at me.She said, " The next

time,I'm going to call the police. "

>

> Again,in the past,a threat to call the police on me although I had

done nothing wrong would have made me blank out,dissolve,attempt to placate the

accuser.Because nada used that one on me as a teenager,often: I'm going to call

the police to come take you away and have you committed.(In some states a parent

can actually do this and what nada was saying wasn't just an idle threat)

>

> But last night it just annoyed me.Instead of dissociating,I

responded to her for the negative,nasty bitch she was:

>

> " What is your problem? All we did was walk past your house and my

dog didn't make a mess. "

>

> " I've had it " ,she said, " with all these people who don't clean up

after their dogs-- "

>

> I interrupted her.This is major.I can hold my own with men,but

with women I have a very hard time being assertive.I said,because it was simply

the truth, " Look,I'm not part of the problem.If my dog makes a mess,I clean it

up.It bothers me too when someone leaves a mess on my lawn and I step in it,so I

don't do that to other people.You don't have to come marching up to me with this

attitude.I'm not one of the people who don't pick up after their dogs.And my dog

didn't go in front of your house,so why are you bothering me? "

>

> She stood there and said, " I asked you kindly- "

>

> HA! She had a very aggressive attitude,very accusatory.So I

interrupted her AGAIN.

>

> " I disagree.In fact,I think you're a bit pugnacious.This isn't

necessary,you could have attempted to just speak to me about it,you didn't have

to accuse like this. "

>

> She gasped like she was affronted,like how could I possibly suggest

she wasn't being nice.I mean,really.She was acting like a complete bitch.But she

recovered quickly and shot back, " I'm going to call the police the next time.I've

had it with cleaning up after other people's dogs. "

>

> I said to her, " Good.You do that,you call the police if someone

ACTUALLY leaves a mess for you to clean up.I hope you file a detailed report.But

my dog and I aren't part of the problem and I don't need to be bitched at by

you " and I walked away.

>

> I walked away.I ended that ridiculous,nasty exchange.I didn't

tolerate being falsely accused or try to appease her.I said my piece,I defended

myself,and I walked away.

>

> In the past,the recent past even,I would have crumbled.Angry women

scare the sh*t out of me.I would have let her gripe at me and accuse me and I

would have been frozen to the spot,dissociating too much to say a word.

>

> I haven't been able to understand how people just state their case

to a raging or negative woman--even seeing them in action it was like,wow,how

did they do that? Why is it so easy for them and so impossible for me?

>

> This is major also because I stayed present the entire time and

just felt normal feelings.A pique of annoyance,not overwhelmed by terror and

then afterward enraged with myself for being such a wuss and stewing over it.I

also didn't feel angry afterward because I knew that I had adequately defended

myself,just a sort of rolling my eyes at her feeling.

>

> I really am making progress.

>

> Does anyone else have an " I must be making progress if... " moment to

share?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER

ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.