My thesis presentation

[Guest guest]

Hi all--

It seems that, lately, I'm very open about my experiences with my fada. I'm

working on finding a balance. I don't want to constantly go on about it, 'cause

I want to move forward, but on the other hand I do want to be open so I CAN move

forward. So, I've been working on finding a nice balance so that people can be

aware of borderline personality disorder, without making them feel like they're

drowning in TMI.

I presented my thesis on Tuesday night, and it really got a good reaction,

because of the big lead-in explanation I had regarding the process. The best way

I can share is just by putting my presentation speech here:

Hi, my name is Holly ______ and my thesis is titled, Great is Thy Faithfulness.

Do you remember writing something when you were younger, and then looked back on

it years later, cringing at how horribly childish it seems? That's how I felt

when I looked at my thesis again a year later, in preparation for this Honors

Symposium. A year doesn't seem like that much time in the great scheme of

things, but a lot of change and personal growth can happen in that period of

time.

I worked on this thesis in teh fall of 2008, and in my introduction I described

it as something that " grew out of a realization that nearly all of my

non-fiction works touch on the idea of faith, especially the truth that faith is

not limited to Sundays--it is a very real element of everyday life. " Last

December and January I looked at it again, and wished I didn't have to present

this as it is. There was so much I wanted to change and rewrite. What would I

change?

My writing process consisted of brainstorming ideas, writing them down, taking

the best ones, writing those out, and putting the best of those in the thesis.

But, there were some ideas that I didn't write down, because I was afraid. Ideas

mostly concerning my family. Sure, I mentioned them in these pieces, but I was

careful to craft it so that it wouldn't portray my dad in a negative light.

Why was I so afraid of that? I mean, every family is imperfect, and our faults

is ripe fora spiritual story about loving each other despite these flaws, and

accepting our own shortcomings. However, I purposefully avoided those subjects.

Why? I was afraid of my dad. Of what he would do, if I was " lying " or " making an

embarrassment of the family. "

What made me so fearful of him, and guilted me into not being entirely truthful?

Either he would not speak to me for days ( " ask Holly to hand the salt to me. " )

Or he would yell, rant, scream, swear, guilt-trip, rage at me, and impose some

sort of punishment or retribution to make me appreciate his " fatherliness "

better, and I'd be in trouble for weeks.

So I didn't write about him or my family very much. I just wasn't ready. In that

year, I changed. Life changed, drastically. I moved out of my parents' house for

my own sanity. I hoped it would be easier for me to have a healthy relationship

with my dad from a distance, love them from a distance. I got a second job. I

got engaged. And shortly after that, my dad emailed me to disown me. This

disowning by my family caused me to question what I considered to be a family,

and what normal, healthy relationships should look like. I realized that he has

borderline personality disorder, which in turn caused him to be emotionally

abusive. That's what I was afraid of, and that's what I avoided writing about.

So, back in January I wished I could revise my thesis and make it more honest,

and make it better. Stronger stories, more realistic, and better examples. Then

the semester got busy, and I set the thesis aside. I looked at it again a week

ago, and my perception of my work changed again. Hey, it's actually not that

bad. Yes, if I was writing it now, I would allow myself to write on more

subjects, but I wouldn't change the thesis. I've accepted why I've written what

I've written, and I finally like it. So, here's one of my stories....

I was not expecting people to really get into my speech....I was looking around

at the audience and could see people's reactions as I spoke, nodding, etc...and

that sorta freaked me out but I pressed on, and if it's not bragging, I think I

actually spoke quite well, loudly, clearly, with variation in tone, etc....! And

afterwards I got a really big applause. I had to leave early and as I grabbed my

backpack, one woman, a speech professor/graduate dean, mouthed to me, " very

good, that was very good! "

I felt so good! I was freaking out before hand (I always freak out before

anything like that, and doubly so because I was talkign about something so

personal), but wow...it gave me strength to keep writing about this. Once I

write some more on my blog, I may put them together, revise and edit it, and

turn it into a book. I'd just be afraid of what happened to Sontag, but

still, it's good to share MY experiences, and not worry about censorship.

So...woot! Just wanted to share!

~Holly