First post- new to group.

[Guest guest]

Hello, everyone.

I have been perusing some of the other posts in this group, and like a

lot of 'first post' messages, I am really, really relieved to be here.

My (internet) name is Spring, I am 21 years old who attends the

University of Minnesota. My mother, as far as I can tell, has BPD. My

dad and I are somewhat close, but he refuses to really acknowledge there

is a problem in the family, and he ends up (at least nowadays)

withdrawing into the point of just being an enabler for her sudden mood

changes. My mom has always been the main breadwinner for the family, and

the mantra has always gone in our family to " cut her some slack, we owe

everything to her. "

If it were just the three of us, then I would have left a long time ago.

Now, however, they are helping to put me through school, so I have had a

limited ability to speak out because I'm not sure I would ever be able

to deal with college expenses on my own.

The other, really important thing in my situation is the element that is

my sister. She and I are extremely close. I am an older sister figure to

her, as well as her 'real mom', as she calls me and tells her friends

sometimes. She is sixteen, almost seventeen. She and my dad don't have a

supportive relationship at all, or at least not a partnership to be able

to talk limitedly about mom's problems, because he really started

withdrawing and becoming passive about the whole thing just as she was

getting older. Mom's behavior has contributed to the already crazy life

of a teenager, just like she did when I was younger, and my sister has

been through dealing with an eating disorder (as a means to try to

control her situation, she was borderline-anorexic for a while),

depression, and anxiety. None of these things, though she has tried to

tell our parents about them, is anything they are willing to allow her

to go to a doctor to get checked out.

(I'm sorry this is lengthy- I'm working through depression myself, and I

have trouble concentrating, so I have complete sympathy with anyone who

can't read long, dense paragraphs. I am trying to break them up.)

I don't live at home anymore, strictly speaking, but my rent is paid

for, essentially, by my parents, so that I can live closer to the

school. I came home to live at home for a few months when I transferred

to the University of Minnesota, but my parents quickly grew to dislike

it (and I did too!!) because I had started to distinguish some semblance

of rights for myself as a person while I'd been living away, and went to

lengths to help my sister protect herself, as well as trying to

establish my own boundaries. That's something I'm working on- I've

always tried to be the middle ground for my sister, between my mom and

her.

As I mentioned, I'm getting treatment for depression, but I think a lot

of it is also related to my circumstances. I'm feeling freer and more

empowered lately, because I graduate in the spring, and I am moving

across the country to Arizona to be with my boyfriend of one year. He

has also been one of my best friends for longer than I can remember, and

we have a really strong, healthy relationship. I have some savings and I

will be staying with him until I find a job- anything to support myself,

and not to have to move back home. I have also been, in addition to

drugs (Citalopram), been through therapy and have learned to really

recognize my family's behavior as destructive and abusive. I'm part of

the way through " Stop walking on Eggshells " which was recommended to me

by my counselor/therapist lady (who has been so instrumental in figuring

out what is happening within my head and out).

So I am getting out, I have wonderful, supportive friends, people who

care about me, and I am achieving my own independence, due to numerous

people that have given me advice or support (for instance, my dad's

mother is giving me money to help buy a car, which I can pay back over

time with no interest, instead of falling deeper in debt with a loan). I

am very excited and a little scared at this new stage of my life. I

would be happy to be able to leave my growing-up-place (I can't really

come to think of it as a home, I never have) and not look back until I

had a little more emotional-healthiness under my belt. However, there is

still my sister.

I am very worried about her. Our mother shows essentially all the

characteristics of an " acting-out " BDP person. She will go from

perfectly sweet to absolutely off the edge in less than a second, and

then straight back again the minute someone calls or knocks on the door.

She has broken things in the past, occasionally used physical contact

(like hitting me with a shoe or nearly breaking my nose) in her moments

of sudden rage, and her emotional abuse (I never knew until very

recently that what she does is that). She goes back and forth constantly

bursting in and praising A. (my sister) or I for being skinny, only to

encounter one of us when we just get out of a shower, or etc, and grab

our stomachs to say " I think I see a spare tire! " When we were little, I

used to take A. and hide with her in closets upstairs whenever my mother

came home from work, because she would be so stressed out and couldn't

find anywhere else to vent her rage. There are many instances of bad

emotionally or sometimes physically bad behavior on her part that has us

all walking on eggshells constantly. As the mediator of the house

growing up (I was), she often considers me the 'best person to be

around', only to turn around the next moment and call me stupid and

worthless. I've left the house on numerous occasions, as has A., in

nothing but our barefeet and the clothes on our backs, to wander around

outside sometimes for hours, because we have nowhere to go. Then we come

back only to have mom and dad decide that nothing happened, or to have

dad say that she deserves to be able to let off some steam and we

shouldn't judge her because she loves us very much. He told us numerous

times as children that he put her as his priority first, and us second,

in those exact words.

Anything that could reflect badly on her, or show that she failed

somehow, is absolutely forbidden. It took A. three years to be able to

get to talk to someone about her depression problems, and then they took

her to someone who was on very good terms with my mom. To gain control

over her situation, A developed an eating disorder, and my parents never

noticed. Some short time later, after she had gotten better and was

eating again, my mom decided that she had an eating disorder then, and

forced her to go to a doctor. Even later that week my mom was again

telling her how she was flabby. She says things about how A is not that

smart and cannot get into school, and constantly pressures me and her to

move home. This is in addition to all of these other outward acting BDP

behaviors.

This is getting long (sorry!), so I will summarize that I don't know

what to do for my sister. We've started building a support network for

her here for when I move, so she will have somewhere to go, but I know

my mom has been getting more dissociated with the world lately, and that

A will go to college the year after this, and Mom's behavior was so bad

to me that I almost didn't survive my last year of high school. With her

last child 'abandoning' her for college soon her behavior has gotten

more erratic. Also work for her is going downhill and for years she has

felt trapped. I need ways to help my sister. I can't just abandon her

there. I also know intervention will not work, from what I have read.

But at this point I'm not thinking about it for my mom (or dad) at all,

but to know that my sister will be safe when I leave.

Please, please please, I hope you all have some kind of advice or kind

words. Thanks for sticking through this big long introduction. I look

forward to getting to know you all.

-Spring.

Thank you so much just for being here, and letting everyone talk.