Having a I-miss-my-siblings spell...

April 16, 2010

I'm having one of those I-miss-my-siblings-so-much-it-hurts spell again....

While I was at work at the library today, one of the patrons, oh, between 8-10

years old, asked me for my name when I got him a new library card, and then he

said, " Hollwee, where are the Scooby Doo movies? "

he said my name much like the way my siblings would...I felt warm and fuzzy with

the memory of my siblings. (It was either " Hollwee " or " Hollwuh "

but it was percolating in the background all afternoon/evening, and as I took a

shower just now, one of the videos I took of Brother #2 kept replaying itself in

my mind. He was about the same age as this little guy at the library today, and

he was strumming the guitar and singing the " What do you do with a drunken

sailor? " song. And I missed him incredibly much all of sudden.

I miss them every single day, and worry and hope and pray that they will turn

out alright even though they're still at home with fada. (enabling nada goes

along with him.)It hurts so much right now. I miss hearing them call my name, I

miss hugging them, singing them songs, talking with them, knowing what's going

on in their life, how their other homeschooling friends are doing, painting

their nails, buying them fun stuff...just in general big sister stuff.

Sister #1 is turning 12 next week. Sister #2 turned 8 last month.

Brother #1 turned 20 last August, and sent me a painful letter saying he

couldn't consider me to be a sister anymore when I was treating my parents this

way, after I sent him a birthday card. He used to be my best friend.

Brother #2 is turning 11 in June. Brother #3 is turning 7 in July.

so the " four little ones " are still so little...and I miss them so much.

DAMN my parents! (excuse my language!) I would have to ingratiate myself to fada

again and apologize for what I didn't do (but he perceived to be my fault...not

sure exactly what that problem was, still) and suck up to them and earn his

effing " respect " again before they would " trust " me with my siblings again.

AUGH! It's hard to explain how it hurts, but my heart aches. If you're

spiritual, could you please pray comforting messages their way?

It especially hurts that they can't be at my wedding.

Thanks for letting me vent.

~Holly

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