Re: No where else to go for support

April 16, 2010

It seems that we all have really long stories...so no worries.

Is there a way to intervene legally on your father's behalf somehow, siting her

financial track record?

Elle

>

> Hi,

>

> I have been reading some of your posts and feel like checking if these were

posted by my own siblings because they sound like my mom. One post in

particular could have been written by any of us in my family. The one from

Paige asking about interventions. No need for anyone to respond to whether or

not it's a good idea because 1) I have read everyone's posts and see that it's

not a good move and 2) it's too late! We tried.

>

> Background... My mom (we think) has BPD. My dad has parkinson's disease and

she is his caretaker. He has only gotten worse in the last 5 years, but it is a

progressive disease and has been going on for quite a while. They have also

lived a very financially irresponsible life. 15 yrs ago when my dad was

relatively healthy, we thought they were selling their big house and downsizing,

but only to find out they were broke and in personal debt (borrowing from family

and friends) and they had also borrowed a bunch of money from us and from my

older brother with a promise to repay once they " sold " their house. I didn't

realize they had already lost the house and had no house to sell. They were

renting back from a broker who had bought it in a forced sale. They used a

credit card on my American Express Account and borrowed a bunch of money from us

over a short period of time. They eventually found a rental home and my mom got

a regular job (she had been doing day care and they were not bothering to pay

quarterly taxes for the 6 yrs prior to that). They started paying us back at

one point, but eventually the job for my mom did not work out (I found out a

bunch more later, ie problems with co-workers, etc...). Then the debt grew

again. It's been growing and shrinking and I've been rescuing them with the

hope that they would find something stable. I recently told them that I would

not be loaning them any more money since they already owed me close to $30,000

and would always promise to start paying me back and would have this fabulous

budget all set up, etc... Oh, I should mention that they make decent money in

retirement income from federal pension for my dad and ss for both. They also

have medical benefits that are good and are for life. They live 2 states away.

I even paid to have their stuff sent from their storage unit here in hopes that

if they had their stuff, they'd settle down.

>

> So, fast forward to Christmas of 2009. They showed up here and my mom

announced that they need $250 for the hotel just to hold their room or they'll

have to take a bus home the next day. Well, remember, my dad has parkinsons and

my mom has all sorts of problems with diabetes and her feet, etc... She knew

full well that I had said a few months earlier " no more " and a few days before

their trip I had told them I would not help them out with credit cards or debt

cards at their hotel, so they need to make sure they can hold the room with

their own card and pay for it on their own. My mom got all insulted that I

would even think that they would ask! I apologized for jumping to that

conclusion, but you can imagine I knew this was coming. Anyway, we didn't give

them money, but did end up buying them plane tickets home since they didn't even

have return tickets or more than $50 to their names to last them the rest of the

month. I know at the end of their stay my mom would have stood their at the

hotel crying that they couldn't pay for their room and needed me to pay for it.

>

> So, fast forward again, she was totally angry that I didn't give her money and

said Christmas had been ruined, etc.... yelled at me on the phone. They did

have a little money to hold the room for a short time and were able to stay a

few days. We even invited them for dinner and had a little early Christmas so

the kids would not wonder what happened.

>

> I eventually told my siblings everything. Up to that point, they knew some of

what had happened, but I kept a lot of it to myself as I was the one who was the

rescuer. We all got together and confronted my mom via e-mail and we each wrote

our own letters to explain how their financial irresponsibility had impacted us

(me especially) and that it was always hard to talk to her for fear that she'd

get angry. We never thought of any type of mental illness. Well, she threw a

total fit of rage and also used a lot of passive aggressive stuff at us and is

now not speaking to any of us. I have tried to send a few e-mails of the kids

videos, etc... she said her computer is too old to open it and that's true.

She said " If you wish to contact us in the future, please do so by telephone "

and then said her phone is dead. So, I take it she doesn't want to hear from

us. I sent an Easter card but we did not get one. My kids were asking why no

cards this year. Luckily my uncle had sent one.

>

> Also, I think my mom's mom must have had this problem because my mom is acting

just like her own mother did, silent treatment, etc... It was easier for my mom

to give the silent treatment back because she didn't have little kids at home

(we were much older than my kids are) and now we can't communicate with my dad

because he can't talk at all and can barely write, although he can write some.

I'm thinking of trying to get a message to him somehow, but if she sees it and

doesn't like it she wont give it to him. She already refused to show him our

e-mails. Then she called me one day after the raging e-mails and started

complaining about my sister in law (brothers wife, who my mom hates completely).

I told her I didn't want to discuss them with her. She got mad and said I was

taking sides and I said " I'm not discussing this with you. " and she was shocked

I think. I have never stood up to her. If I ever said no to her out of

necessity, like she was about to scam me and I caught on, I always made a lame

excuse instead of saying " No, because you will take my money and not give it

back " . She wanted me to deposit 2 bum checks that she had written herself into

my account and wire her the money one time. I saw right through that and said

no.

>

> This is a super long story, so I'm trying to keep it short. Let's just say we

just figured out that she must be BPD, is financially irresponsible, she borrows

money from friends and family because she's very charming and everyone outside

the family thinks she's honest and has money so they freely loan it to her.

Then she refuses to pay it back. Here's her game. They give her the money, she

just ignores or avoids the person. If they manage to track her down and ask for

it back, she says that they're being mean rubbing her nose in it or are greedy

or are money grubbers who don't deserve to be paid back because of how greedy

they are. Or she tells me " They have plenty of money and don't need to be paid

back. " " So and so is an only child and inherited a lot of money and doesn't

need that. " For my brother and I the story lately is that she has a life

insurance policy and we will get paid when she dies.

>

> So, they were both irresponsible with money, but my mom was downright sneaky

and conniving about it. In my book, she's a con artist. She got a ticket for

speeding last summer and refused to pay it because she claims it was a speed

trap. Now she's driving around on a suspended license. They've been evicted

from 2 places because they didn't pay the rent. Of course, both of those

landlords were greedy money grubbers and jerks and every bank customer service

person is lying or inept. She gets mad and to punish creditors says she's just

not going to pay it. They have crappy credit if any. They filed bankruptcy a

long time ago, but have mostly been operating on cash and change bank accounts

about every year or two.

>

> So, now that she is not speaking to us, I feel relieved that we don't have to

have a conversation on a weekly basis, but what about my dad? He is so helpless

and vulnerable. I think he enabled her all these years because he never made

her get treatment. She did get taken by ambulance one time when my sister was

still living with them. She said my mom was running around the house with a

knife. Now I think he just ignores it because he can't do anything and we fear

for him if he tried to say anything to her. She would not hurt him physically,

but she would certainly be mean to him if we favored him over her or gave him

gifts and not her, etc... and he has always stood up for her even when he was

healthy.

>

> Now my sister said to me today she is done analyzing this situation and just

needs to move on and forget about mom. She's a sick woman and refuses to get

help and there's nothing she can do to help her. BUT, she's single and lives in

another state where my mom has never even been and has no friends, so it's not

likely she'd show up. I, on the other hand, live where we grew up and have

family locally and friends of theirs locally so she could show up. Plus I have

3 kids, so my mom has reason to see us for the grandkids.

>

> My husband is a saint, by the way. He has never enjoyed being with my mom,

but he always wants to figure out a way to help her. Right now he doesn't want

to discuss it because we've talked it to death. He said to me " let it go and

let your brothers deal with it " because my brothers both tried to talk some

sense into her after our e-mail intervention didn't work out.

>

> I'm sure that's plenty of info. I just need a place where I can vent. This

is new to me. Oh, I should say that my girls are both in therapy for anxiety so

we have a great therapist and I've gone to see her a few times as well. My

younger daughter has an expressive language disorder and anxiety disorder

related to being unable to express herself properly. My older daughter just has

an anxiety disorder. But I have seen this therapist a few times and it does

help, but (and this is going to sound bad) after all the money we gave my mom

and she refuses to pay back, having to pay for therapy is like she's still

stealing from me! Like she's still costing me money no matter what.

>

> Oh well, thank goodness for insurance and mental health parity law.

>

> Thanks for reading if you hung in there this long. I feel like I could write

a book. When we put my parents on the plane to go home before Christmas I told

my husband, " She's going to be so angry, but at least she'll be angry in

Washington and not here. "

>

April 16, 2010

Hi

Oh I totally relate to your post. In my case it is my sister who is BPD and

financially irresponsible. Reading these posts have really helped me recently

to keep my boundaries as intact as I can. My sister HAS ALWAYS hit me up for

money. I've been blackmailed by my mother to pay for things for her, have phones

in my name for her, let her move in with me, made house payments, car payments,

you name it. It took me a lot of years to start saying NO. My sister is also a

gambler. She had won 50,000, gambled it back and brought her household into

financial ruin. None of it is her fault. I finally can say NO MORE but I

understand your fears. Just last night my SO said to me, " Make sure you never

let your sister move in with us. " I realize I am fearful of her asking me at I

guess some future point when her husband has passed, etc. It is ingrained in my

psychie I think from my Mom guilting me into taking care of her and so I feel

fearful of saying NO to her. I just cannot imagine the horrible nightmare that

will occur when my mom passes and I have to deal with my sister over all of

those details.

Oh yea, by the way, sister is very conniving too. She has managed to rape my

mom of a lot of home equity and anything that my mom owns of value (jewelry and

such) is locked into my sister's safe under the guise of keeping it safe.

I have learned to say NO to her and yesterday when we had to work out some of my

Mom's financial issues I was able to avoid a big hassle by having them both on

the line at the same time so my sister could not work my mom over or cause more

chaos. When my sister rages on the phone I just tell her I'm hanging up so the

boundary setting does really help.

Thank you for posting.