Is there a doctor in the house?

[Guest guest]

> This is priceless.

> A story on my news web page featured a picture of a 73 year old woman

> strapping herself to the wing of a plane. Apparently she was both

> completely

> sane and perfectly happy: she'd just always wanted to try wing walking.

>

> Personally, I've never had the slightest desire to try wing walking. Or

> wing

> crawling. In fact, any scenarios involving me and wings had better also

> include a comfy reclining chair, a cold drink, and an in-flight movie.

>

> But I digress. The point of the article was that, after years of telling

> us

> that the human life span could get no better than 72.5 years, doctors have

> discovered: the US Senate. There, the average age of officials must hover

> around 93, thanks to people like Strom Thurmond, who was born in 1902 and

> was still Senating as late as 2002.

>

> Strom was a spring chicken compared to people like Calmet, who lived

> until she was 122, or Israel, who is said to be 127. If you read

> the histories of these people, you'll find that all of them smoked and

> drank

> and enjoyed (woohoo!) chocolate cake daily, so I can only conclude that

> the

> reason they lived so long was because... they avoided doctors.

>

> Think of it: if you feel ill, your first step is to try and get an

> appointment with your physician. Where I live, there's one doctor for

> every

> 52,000 people. In other areas, the ratio is much better - there are three

> doctors for every 1000 people, but they all go golfing on the same day.

> Either way, it can take anywhere from a week to 10 years before you

> actually

> get an appointment. By that time you will have either a) died or cured

> yourself.

>

> Assuming you do get a quick appointment though, your next step is to sit

> in

> the waiting room. Depending on where you live, your waiting room might be

> known locally as Joe Germ's Bar and Grill, or Bacteria's Be Bop: in

> other words, a great place for viruses to hang out and pick up a human.

> With

> everyone around you hacking, sneezing, wheezing and coughing, if you

> weren't

> sick when you went in, you certainly will be when you come out.

>

> When you finally get to see your doctor, he or she will immediately do

> something like examine your nether region, even if there's nothing wrong

> with your nether. This is because the secretary will have given him the

> wrong file. Once you explain to him that you're there to see if you have

> an

> ear infection, he will pick up his ear-look-into thingy and proceed to

> take

> a call from his broker.

>

> Twenty minutes later, he will actually look into your ear, and scribble

> " sona si latine loqueris " on your file. Loosely translated, this means

> " Call

> Dr. Bob about Friday's game. " He will then tell you that yes, it probably

> is

> an ear infection, but that he's going to order up a series of (highly

> billable) tests just to rule out other possibilities, like, say, liver

> disease.

>

> At this point, you will be handed over to the tender mercies of the nurse,

> who will take samples of you from various locations, including your

> nether.

> You will then be sent home and promptly come down with the worst case of

> the

> 'flu you've ever had.

>

> Six weeks later, after you've made a full recovery, you will get a call

> from

> your doctor's office telling you that " Your test results are in, you need

> to

> come see us. " The human mind being what it is, you will be immediately

> convinced that you really do have liver disease, as well as yellow fever.

> Or

> possibly chronic heart failure. Or all three.

>

> When you finally get to see the doctor a second time, he will give you a

> kindly smile, pat you on the hand and cheerfully tell you all your tests

> came up negative. He will then scribble " Latine loqui coactus sum " on your

> file, which means " Bill for second consultation. " Because you just spent

> another three hours marinating in his germ-ridden waiting room, while

> highly

> stressed out over the possibility of chronic yellow liver fever, you will

> then come down with a case of 'flu that will make your last bout seem like

> a

> mild run of the sniffles.

>

> My prescription for long life? Avoid doctors. Laugh a lot. And eat plenty

> of

> chocolate cake. Hey, it worked for Calmet, didn't it?