my frustrating weekend extending into my week(venting--long)

[Guest guest]

Hi, everyone. A forewarning. This is even more about this weekend, so if

you're tired of reading about (bc I know I've been going on and on and on),

then time to skip to the next post.

All day I've been trying to tell myself that everything is fine. That's why

I went to the onhealth chat thing. To get confirmation. Well, it didn't

exactly work out that way. Kim has been trying to tell me that I need to get

a beta and just get it checked out. She must be so frustrated with me. I

know that it's better to be safe than sorry. But I've been telling her all

day basically that I don't think I should. I must say, she was very nice

about it. If I were her, I'd have cursed me out a dozen times. I just want

so badly to believe that everything is okay. But it's hard, bc i know that

Kim is right and I should've had a beta done. It might have saved me alot of

stress over the last few days. It could have come back 0, and I would still

be in pain but at least I wouldn't have to be scared. But I am. And at

times I feel like I'm overreacting. The only time I don't feel that way is

when I'm convincing myself that this is okay, and the cramps are no worse

than AF cramps. But if this is AF, she's not being very nice to me. There

are times when I find myself having a bad cramp or pain and thinking " I

remember describing a pain just like this when I had my first ep " . And

that's when I get really scared. Or today when I went walking and started

having cramping and remembered the same thing from the last ep. Then while I

was walking I got light-headed and of course I had to wonder. I don't want

to be scared anymore. Why does this have to happen? Why can't I have a

normal body for once? Why can't we all be acquainted without having had this

horrible thing happen to us? Why does anyone ever have an ep? Why do we

have to be so scared month after month after month? It's not fair! I just

want to be normal again! I dont' want to be scared anymore! And let's

assume that I find out that nothing was wrong (other than maybe a cyst).

There's always next month. And the month after that. And the one after

that. All the way to the end of my child-bearing years. And I know I'm not

the only one. But I'm just so scared right now that most of this comes back

to me. But I realize that many of you have the same fears. And the same

thoughts. And I hate this. I just want to be normal. I dont' want to be

scared every month of getting pg while longing for it at the same time.

Okay. All that keeps coming to mind is that I don't want to be scared

anymore, and I just want to be normal again. So say thait a few thousand

times and you'll get my point. I'm going to go. When I can get my thoughts

out without basically screaming in my head and saying the same thing over and

over again, I'll try again.

Amy