all my vices

[Guest guest]

REALLY struggling today!!

It was pouring when I started my run and lighting crazy so I went to

the treadmill. I fully expected to truncate my workout, but then I

did 6 indoors and it quit raining so I joined the group for Joni's

birthday run. I got 4 more easy and then went to Bodypump as

planned. So I got everything in, I took a protein bar to eat

inbetween workouts and I wasn't starving but I felt it was the right

thing to do so I ate it.

At breakfast, I wasn't starving when I started eating but as I

finished I was now still hungry, but I made myself wait 3 hours. I

told myself (and have ALL day struggled with what and when I should

eat.)

It all started as Joni's b'day party approached tonight. I'm scared

of all the food, alcohol and tons of people I love to be around and

it's supposed to last up to 5 hours. We are using my apt's

clubhouse so I'm in on the planning and I HATE that!! Also, a new

workout DVD set I ordered came last night. I started reading the

plan that came with it and got obsessed. I immediately went online

looking to see if I should keep it, upgrade it and then ordered the

next set of DVDs (I've not even tried what I got yet) and then

couldn't sleep trying to figure out how I was going to orchestrate

and plan and complete my upcoming workouts. I was afraid as I read

the instructions and looked at the DVDs that my mind was being

sucked into that void of obsession and wondered if I'd be able to

put it aside and sleep. Eventually I did and I got OK sleep last

night. Anyway.

Now, all morning I've forced myself to wait to eat until it had been

at least 3 hours and I have dead time this afternoon until the party

decorating starts at 5, I'm trying to figure out the most effective,

perfect, productive way to spend my time without spending money,

trying to take care of myself. AUGH, if any of this is making sense

it's like all of my vices have raised their ugly heads today to

taunt me.

So now I'm trying to eat lunch and I don't really know what I want

or how my stomach is going to respond. I'm still hungry but (maybe

it's b/c I waited too long) it's all bubbly and mad at me. It makes

me afraid to eat now. My mind has been trying all day to parcel out

my future meals and calories for today so that I can have a few

beers tonight and manage at this party and still eat nutritional

meals. Guess none of this sounds very intuitive or `normal' today,

huh.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to keep fighting, all day today!!