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The Dangers of Bread

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The Dangers of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, " Smell of baked bread may be

health hazard. " The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of

baking

bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this

aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced

global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the

government going

to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make

anyone think twice....

List of 12 items

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households

score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the

average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were

unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as

typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of

eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called " dough. " It has been proven that as

little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average

American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of

cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and

given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

8. Bread is often a " gateway " food item, leading the user to " harder " items

such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than

90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being

taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey

bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That

kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between

significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

list end

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread

restrictions:

List of 5 items

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills

we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to

children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please send

this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

list end

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