Sick role

[Guest guest]

I know that some of you will immediately discount this and want to

attack me, and before you do, remember that you can't be critical of

those who attack you for your opinions if you attack others.

There is something called the sick role. It is a societal role meaning

that people who are sick get certain privileges- they should be forgiven

for not meeting obligations, for not attending work, etc. People should

be nice to them, and care about them. It's not something I made up-

Google it if you don't believe me. It's called " the sick role " .

In this role, the sick person's job is to do what their medical

providers tell them and try to get better; other people are obliged to

be patient and understanding while you work to get well.

When it becomes chronic illness, people start to look for other

validation that the person is in fact sick. Unfortunately, with illness

like FM, there is no external singn. Then people start to think that

the sick person really isn't sick and is putting on to get sympathy,

attention and to get out of doing things.The sick role is the ultimate

excuse for not doing anything, and society sees it as very bad to expect

anything of someone who is seriously ill.

People with chronic illness start to enter an inward looking state where

they feel as their illness is worse than what others experience, that

they suffer more than other people, that their life is more difficult

than anyone else's. Hand on heart, if I were to ask you if you life was

harder than mine or someone else's, would you say yes? Of course you

would, because you know what your life is like and what living with the

illness does to you. But, that doesn't mean that to me your illness is

worse than mine.

And that's where conflict come in. FM person gets upset at Non-FM person

for being critical. Non-FM person makes comments like lazy, nothing

wrong with you, etc. FM person gets hurt and accuses non FM of being

judgmental. Non-FM person says something like " well, you seemed ok to

me... " and it goes on. Someone who doesn;t have FM can't understand

what it means, to have so much of you affected.

What it all boils down to is this:

Everyone has their problems. FM is a terribly painful and difficult

disease, but it's not who you are. It's a health problem. It sucks. But,

my husband has diabetes- that sucks to. Hypertension. Migraine headache.

Neuropathy. Everyone has problems, and everyone sees their problems as

worse than those others have, because they are the one feeling them. By

every day going on about how hard and bad life is, you burn out the

people around you. Why should they care about you and try to make your

life better if you don;t try to make your life better? You are not

powerless!

People who don't have FM get judgmental not because others have FM, but

when people don't stop going on and on about their illness, when they

every day use it as an excuse for not doing anything. It feels to them

like the FM person might want sympathy for what they have wrong, but

don;t give much for sympathy and support for what anyone else has as a

problem. Everyone has pain, everyone has problems, and everyone would

love to hide when those problems take hold: they get resentful when the

same people hide all the time. I'm not saying you all hide every day-

but we are all guilty of it sometimes. But out of love, people can't

grab you and say " Wake up! Your love of being sick is pushing me away! "

FM sucks. It is horrible. But it's not going to kill you. There are pain

treatments, they aren't fun and they don'es, and the problem with FM is

that it fools you into thinking you cant. The pain comes and tries to

convince you that the only cure is to lie down and hide, but thats not

true- its hard, but move. Get moving, get active, and trust me the pain

will start to go away. The only time FM will take your life is if you

give your life to it.

Some people have a higher or lower pain threshold. Some need more pain

medication. But, what you need most of all is exercise, to move as much

as you can. And stop blaming FM for everything. It's not an illness-

it's a way you have to live your life, being careful about getting

enough sleep, the right food, enough water, etc. It's not a badge of

honour- some of you have shopping lists of diagnoses lined up like

medals on a war veterans chest- like they are something to be proud of,

like you have a right to pity and respect because of the physical

problems you face, and that is the real tragedy.

There are people dying of cancer, with pain far worse than any of us

know, who are up and facing their time with dignity, not laying in bed

with a bag of sweets. If you allow your life to collapse, push all your

friends and family away because they are sick of hearing about your

illness, it's not they who have a problem, its you. This sounds terribly

harsh- but just listen for a minute...

No one blames you for being afraid. We know the pain is bad. But instead

of allowing it to destroy you, try fighting it. Go to the pool,, go for

walks, do something, stop living for Fibro and stat living in spite of

it. Before you tell me how hard it is, don;t forget that I am one of

you, I suffer with it to, and since I stopped letting it run my life

things are better.

It's ok to seek support, it's great to talk to people who understand,

but don;t allow the sole reason for your existence to be so that you can

inspire others to feel bad for you, because then it's not the FM that

they pity. If you have any fight in you, instead of fighting family and

friends, fight the illness. Refuse to allow it to change you, and then

maybe then you will have the support you need.

Im sorry if anyoen is offended- I dont want to hurt anyone. But someone

a few months ago gave me this same mesag-e and it helped me, changed me,

and helped me start to heal. Please take it in that light

With love

Bethann

Before you angrily rpely to me, calling for me to be banned- think- are

you absolutely sure that I am completely wrong? Are you absolutely sure

that you are not using the FM to save you trouble? Are you absolutely

sure that it's never an excuse to give you permission to avoid something

you find difficult? Because if it's /never/ true, then you are right.

But., if you are honest, you will admit that sometimes it is true. And

what I am trying to do is help you find that place in you where you can

be honest with yourself, and start to fight whatever of the FM that you

can fight, and not allow it to take anymore of your life away than it

already has.

Some of you are very ill, more ill with this than I am. Some of you are

less ill. Some of you are about the same: I work full time, I take my

pain meds, I sometimes go to bed rather early or get up rather late- but

I am no longer willing to let fibromyalgia define me. It's not who I am,

and since I found that out I have been getting healthier- if not in my

body, at least in my heart. I am not saying any of you are lazy, but

start to have hop and see that this is not bigger than your spirit is.