Re: Birthdays - long

May 22, 2009

Abby,

You have poured out so much of your heart and heartache. Thanks for sharing that

with us. I just had my birthday last weekend and have some of those very same

emotional struggles as you do. I don't have to deal with my fada or step-nada as

they've both died, but there are plenty of other remaining effects of how they

raised me, plus also just life struggles. I think my day was pretty neutral with

a few moments of joy as my kids made true efforts on my behalf. So hard for me

to accept and take in, but I'm trying to learn. I'm so proud of you that you

told your nada to not visit you. This is huge! What courage and self-care you

have shown. I don't think I could have ever had the guts to do that.

You were set up so badly for so many years. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve it and

they were obviously way off kilter to do those things to you. Your reactions are

most understandable. I found the " old " comments very interesting. Are you the

oldest? An only child? I am the youngest and have always felt that I am the most

naive, inexperienced, dumbest person in the room ... even around teenagers

still, and I just turned 46!!! I feel nervous whenever I have to be the parent

around my teen kids' friends. Crazy, huh? Like they'll somehow figure out that

I'm really just stupid and clueless. That's a gift I received from BPD

parenting, one of many. I loved your list. It is brutally honest and necessary

for you to itemize and look at. That way you have the hope of learning that

those things are outright LIES.

I too feel like so much has been stolen. Only within the past 2 or 3 months have

I started coming to terms with this and started to deal with it in any tangible

ways. It is very hard. But you're right; you are a young woman. There is much

life and promise ahead for you. Maybe you just need to take the time to be sad

and truly mourn this; it is a very real and significant loss.

What day is your birthday exactly? Maybe you can set it aside as as time for you

to just be alone and do or not do whatever makes you feel good right then - ice

cream for breakfast; brownies for lunch; snickers for dinner. ??? Or take a

drive or a walk to a place that is significant or calming for you. Find a friend

and have lunch. Or stay in your jammies and watch sad movies from bed all day.

Don't ask me how I know that that can be a good catharsis ...

For what it is worth, Abby, whenever I read your posts, I see a wise woman full

of great humor, wisdom, compassion and life. No one can take that away from you.

It is the essence of who you are, whether you can see it right now or not. I

celebrate you on this wonderful and special day that you were born - it is cause

for celebration, indeed! And if you just want to be sad, I can be sad with you

too. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to " be " - whatever it

is we need to be in that moment. I wish for you peace and rest during this time.

Celebrating and appreciating you,

May 22, 2009

Abby, your post made me cry. That is so sad, what your nada did to you your

whole life, and I can relate to so much of what you are feeling and what you

wrote about birthdays.

Thanks for sharing that.

-Annie

>

> For the past two weeks or so, I've been struggling, but didn't realize why

I've been upset or so distracted. Then I realized it is because of my birthday.

Today I took the time to really think about how I'm feeling. Nada wanted to

visit and I told her no. I didn't want her to be here for my birthday because

I'm tired of her hijacking special days, holidays, etc. Every year, I hate the

weeks leading up to my birthday and I usually wind up in tears late in the

evening of my birthday. The day always ends with a deep sense of grief and loss.

I know this is not normal. I have a long history of horrible birthdays - fights,

embarassing situations, too much drinking - all my parents behavior on my

birthday, not mine. Then there were the gifts I never wanted. Nada doing what

she wanted. Planning the day weeks ahead of time. Making a big fuss which had

nothing to do with me. They'd ask me what I wanted and I'd tell them. They would

then buy me what they wanted to buy me. Most of the time, I was left feeling

empty, but had to pretend it was the best gift ever. I often felt guilty for not

liking what they gave me. If I wouldn't tell them what I wanted, nada would rage

at me, one minute telling me I was ungrateful, spoiled and had everything

anyway, then she'd turn it on me and suddenly I was a horrible child because I

wouldn't tell my mother what I wanted for my birthday and she wanted to buy me

something. I always thought that as my parents, they should know me. Other

people's parents always seemed to know what special gift to buy for their

children. My parents should have known what to buy me. IF they really knew me,

they would have known my likes and dislikes, but they didn't. They had no idea

who I was as a person because in their eyes I was an extension of them. I had to

like what they liked. I had to be interested in what they were interested in. I

was not allowed to be me. I was not allowed to be a separate person. I was not

allowed to be different.

>

> The other thing that upsets about my birthday is that I was always told I was

old. In my 20s I was made to feel old. When I turned 19 I was told I was getting

old. I was a teenager for pete's sake! When I turned 30 I was told I was old and

could no longer be trusted (with the little snide, evil laughter that

accoompanies all THOSE comments that are supposed to be jokes, but are really

not.) I've always felt old and like life was passing me by. I watched my friends

move forward and I felt like a prisoner. I felt like I was locked away, unable

to escape and only allowed to look out my window watching everyone else live

their lives. I look back on my late teens and early 20s. I never had a life. The

times I tried to separate from them, it was not allowed. Nada ensured I returned

and was punished for any attempts to be independent. This continued until I

finally escaped. But, no matter how far I went away (3,000+ miles) she never let

me go. She controlled me from a far through FOG and manipulation. I guess part

of my issue is that I am still a young woman, but I feel so old. I;m still

trying to figure out who I am. I feel like 35 years of my life have been stolen

from me and I can't get them back. I hate them for what they've done to me.

>

> Another thing that upsets me is that every year I have to listen to nada

recount my birth. I spoke to her the other day and when she started in, I put

the phone down. At one point I heard her yelling " Are you there? " I picked up

the phone and said " uh-huh " . I refused to listen to it this year. It's always

the same. It was a beautiful spring day, the birds were chirping, the leaves

were coming out on the trees. Although it was a week later before she saw the

leaves were out on the trees again because she had a horrible time of it. She

was in labor for days. It was a difficult birth. She almost died. At one point

they were trying to decide who they would save - her or me. My father was a

wreck. Her mother wouldn't go see her. My dad's mother hated her. She was so

sick and so sore for weeks and nobody helped her. She had a general anesthetic

and a horrible reaction to it. I cried so much when she took me home that she

couldn't sleep. On and on it goes. The first time she told me that story, I was

horrified, but as a child, my reaction was sadness and guilt because my birth

had caused her so much pain and was so difficult for her. There were times when

I wished I had not been born. Now, I look at her as a pathetic excuse for a

human being. What a horrible thing to tell your daughter around her birthday

each year - to make your child feel guilty for being born!?!?

>

> I also started thinking about the things she has given me over the years. The

things that stick in my head are the messages she has given me and the things

she has taught me:

>

> - to hate myself.

> - Nobody will love me the way she loves me

> - to second guess myself

> - not to value or believe in myself

> - not to trust people

> - not to allow people to get close to me

> - to strive for perfection, without ever telling me it is not possible

> - to always be there for her

> - to put her needs ahead of mine

> - to be miserable and believe it is normal

> - to be afraid of the future and live in the past

> - to be pessimistic and full of doom and gloom

>

> and a list that goes on and on.

>

> I hate feeling this way. What should be a happy day for me fills me with such

sadness and anger. It is a day of mourning for me. Mourning the loss of my

childhood and my 20s. It is a day I want nothing to do with her anymore.

>

> How she doesn't understand why I hate her is beyond me.

>

> Abby

>

May 22, 2009

Abby, I know exactly how you feel..so I decided that birthdays were for

children..not adults...with the exception of recounting my birth, everything

you said could be applied to me as well. I have always loved horses and

dogs, yet never ONCE have I gotten anything dog/horse related from the

parents from any gift giving occasion...what I always ended up getting was

something cheap and tacky, and usually along the style of nada !! One gift

I got, and my oldest brother talked the parents into getting it for me was a

nice camera. He could get it much cheaper at the PX....so one year I got a

$150 camera that was my birthday/Christmas gift...my birthdays usually

always ended is nada raging because 1) I wasn't grateful enough for my gift,

2) she didn't get enough attention or 3) I didn't want the

party/dinner/restaurant...whatever...(although for my 50th birthday last

year hubby bought me a gorgeous sapphire/diamond ring...something I've

always wanted..the parents didn't get me anything...they stopped giving me

gifts when I was in my 20's....after they gave hubby some really CHEAP steak

knives and me a red ( I have always hated the color red) silk scarf with

white sitting cats on it (WTF ???) for Christmas...

Jackie

For the past two weeks or so, I've been struggling, but didn't realize why

I've been upset or so distracted. Then I realized it is because of my

birthday. Today I took the time to really think about how I'm feeling. Nada

wanted to visit and I told her no. I didn't want her to be here for my

birthday because I'm tired of her hijacking special days, holidays, etc.

Every year, I hate the weeks leading up to my birthday and I usually wind up

in tears late in the evening of my birthday. The day always ends with a deep

sense of grief and loss. I know this is not normal. I have a long history of

horrible birthdays - fights, embarassing situations, too much drinking - all

my parents behavior on my birthday, not mine. Then there were the gifts I

never wanted. Nada doing what she wanted. Planning the day weeks ahead of

time. Making a big fuss which had nothing to do with me. They'd ask me what

I wanted and I'd tell them. They would then buy me what they wanted to buy

me. Most of the time, I was left feeling empty, but had to pretend it was

the best gift ever. I often felt guilty for not liking what they gave me. If

I wouldn't tell them what I wanted, nada would rage at me, one minute

telling me I was ungrateful, spoiled and had everything anyway, then she'd

turn it on me and suddenly I was a horrible child because I wouldn't tell my

mother what I wanted for my birthday and she wanted to buy me something. I

always thought that as my parents, they should know me. Other people's

parents always seemed to know what special gift to buy for their children.

My parents should have known what to buy me. IF they really knew me, they

would have known my likes and dislikes, but they didn't. They had no idea

who I was as a person because in their eyes I was an extension of them. I

had to like what they liked. I had to be interested in what they were

interested in. I was not allowed to be me. I was not allowed to be a

separate person. I was not allowed to be different.

The other thing that upsets about my birthday is that I was always told I

was old. In my 20s I was made to feel old. When I turned 19 I was told I was

getting old. I was a teenager for pete's sake! When I turned 30 I was told I

was old and could no longer be trusted (with the little snide, evil laughter

that accoompanies all THOSE comments that are supposed to be jokes, but are

really not.) I've always felt old and like life was passing me by. I watched

my friends move forward and I felt like a prisoner. I felt like I was locked

away, unable to escape and only allowed to look out my window watching

everyone else live their lives. I look back on my late teens and early 20s.

I never had a life. The times I tried to separate from them, it was not

allowed. Nada ensured I returned and was punished for any attempts to be

independent. This continued until I finally escaped. But, no matter how far

I went away (3,000+ miles) she never let me go. She controlled me from a far

through FOG and manipulation. I guess part of my issue is that I am still a

young woman, but I feel so old. I;m still trying to figure out who I am. I

feel like 35 years of my life have been stolen from me and I can't get them

back. I hate them for what they've done to me.

May 22, 2009

Abby - One question: What would you like to do on your birthday this year? One

suggestion: GO for it! No labor and delivery tales, no catering to Nada - make

your plans and GO. 35 years is long enough to wait. -