Why'd she have write a nice e-mail

May 27, 2009

I got an e-mail from nada today, and I think I need help with a reality check.

Background: I have been nc with my Nada since November (after her escalating BPD

behavior caused a lot of problems for me and my boyfriend when we moved in

together.) It was a very difficult decision and one I have struggled with and

felt a great deal of guilt and anxiety over.

When I was growing up she was very much the waif/hermit type, which resulted in

us having a very enmeshed, unhealthy relationship. After my father passed away

10 years ago, she morphed into more of the queen/witch type. Especially when she

felt threatened that I would " abandon " her (ie get into a serious relationship).

She has actually had periods where she seems almost normal, which is what makes

it more difficult. If she were " pure evil " I would feel more justified. But when

her behavior escalates, boy does it escalate. It got to the point where there

was absolutely no trust, no respect of boundaries, etc. She basically backed me

into a corner and forced me to choose between her and my boyfriend. My future

and my past. I chose my future. Which I know was the healthy thing to do. But

very tough.

Well, I have been working with a great therapist and I am just now getting to

the point that I am starting to enjoy my life again and not feel like a total

a-hole for abandoning my mother. I am starting to feel like an adult in control

of my own life again. Then, I get this e-mail today:

I just wanted to send you an email to let you know that I still love you and

hope that you are doing well. I do not want to cause any problems for you , but

I would just like to know that you are doing ok. A lady got killed out in front

of our office Monday, just going to meet her husband at Starbuck's, and that

made me think, that despite all differences, I just do not want anything to

happen to either one of us the way things are between us right now. I love you

and hope that you can at least let me know that you are ok. I was at least able

to look on you're my space page once in a while to see that you were at least

still alive until you took your page off of there.

Love,

Mom

Aaghh! Part of me wants take it at face value that she really does love me and

really doesn't want to cause me problems and just had an awakening after

witnessing a tragic event. But the other part of me thinks it's a trap, an

information fishing expedition, or just a plain attempt at guilting me.

It sometimes feels like it would be a lot easier to just give in. As unhealthy

as it is and as much crap as she's pulled, I still miss my mother. It is a lot

easier to keep this up when I can think of her as the complete villain and

assume that she has split me black. I guess I don't really know what to think.

My gut is that the best think to do is write back a very brief, " I'm okay, I

love you too but I still do not want contact with you. " I don't want to open any

doors right now. I'm just getting my bearings. But that sounds like such a cold

response. I know, why should I care about being cold to someone who has treated

me the way she has? But somehow I do.

Sorry for rambling, I appreciate any thoughts.

May 27, 2009

Cool, you have so much personal insight! That's wonderful. You have thought

through all the current issues and past issues with your nada very thoroughly

and yes, what she is doing to you is trying to reel you in using " FOG "

(fear-obligation-guilt.)

And you are right in that what makes this doubly difficult is that in most

cases, our nadas are not " pure evil. " We can see the gray and the shadings in

them, even though they tend to see us as only all white or all black, in a

manner of speaking.

You could perhaps send your nada a slightly modified note (RE the one you

mentioned in your post) saying something like:

" I am fine, and I love you, but I need more time to work through my own issues.

Perhaps at a later date we can try resuming contact. Meanwhile, if there is

anything you need to know about me, you'll be contacted. "

Just a suggestion; perhaps the wording is a little less cold, and it addresses

her concern that something might happen to you and she wouldn't know about it.

Good luck with this, you sound very together and thoughtful.

-Annie

>

> I got an e-mail from nada today, and I think I need help with a reality check.

>

> Background: I have been nc with my Nada since November (after her escalating

BPD behavior caused a lot of problems for me and my boyfriend when we moved in

together.) It was a very difficult decision and one I have struggled with and

felt a great deal of guilt and anxiety over.

>

> When I was growing up she was very much the waif/hermit type, which resulted

in us having a very enmeshed, unhealthy relationship. After my father passed

away 10 years ago, she morphed into more of the queen/witch type. Especially

when she felt threatened that I would " abandon " her (ie get into a serious

relationship). She has actually had periods where she seems almost normal, which

is what makes it more difficult. If she were " pure evil " I would feel more

justified. But when her behavior escalates, boy does it escalate. It got to the

point where there was absolutely no trust, no respect of boundaries, etc. She

basically backed me into a corner and forced me to choose between her and my

boyfriend. My future and my past. I chose my future. Which I know was the

healthy thing to do. But very tough.

>

> Well, I have been working with a great therapist and I am just now getting to

the point that I am starting to enjoy my life again and not feel like a total

a-hole for abandoning my mother. I am starting to feel like an adult in control

of my own life again. Then, I get this e-mail today:

>

> I just wanted to send you an email to let you know that I still love you and

hope that you are doing well. I do not want to cause any problems for you , but

I would just like to know that you are doing ok. A lady got killed out in front

of our office Monday, just going to meet her husband at Starbuck's, and that

made me think, that despite all differences, I just do not want anything to

happen to either one of us the way things are between us right now. I love you

and hope that you can at least let me know that you are ok. I was at least able

to look on you're my space page once in a while to see that you were at least

still alive until you took your page off of there.

>

> Love,

> Mom

>

> Aaghh! Part of me wants take it at face value that she really does love me and

really doesn't want to cause me problems and just had an awakening after

witnessing a tragic event. But the other part of me thinks it's a trap, an

information fishing expedition, or just a plain attempt at guilting me.

>

> It sometimes feels like it would be a lot easier to just give in. As unhealthy

as it is and as much crap as she's pulled, I still miss my mother. It is a lot

easier to keep this up when I can think of her as the complete villain and

assume that she has split me black. I guess I don't really know what to think.

>

> My gut is that the best think to do is write back a very brief, " I'm okay, I

love you too but I still do not want contact with you. " I don't want to open any

doors right now. I'm just getting my bearings. But that sounds like such a cold

response. I know, why should I care about being cold to someone who has treated

me the way she has? But somehow I do.

>

> Sorry for rambling, I appreciate any thoughts.

>

May 27, 2009

Hi Cool...

sorry you are in such a position - ive been there, did that...and after a mjor

surgery, find myelf back here living with nada and fada..

nada's can be very sweet - they know what works on us....although she mkight be

telling the truth about how she feels when she heard about the accident, nada's

can LIE TO THEMSELVES.....live and Stay in that denial (They just wont come

clean for all those things they did they crushed our Self)

they cannot empathize....

whether your nada is ALL-OF-SUDDEN magically cured from her abusive, enmeshing

behavior in a brief emotional moment, only you know.

yes, you could respond by saying whast you wrote....

its my guess she wrote the email for you to just make contact - just be careful

you dont find yourself being Sucked Back In........

you will know it.....you will feel it........We've all done it.

I was forced back here, after having major surgery and needing care, i had no

where else to go - now that im recovering, my nada is suffocating me, 'trying'

to be nice,,,,, just to keep me here and near !!! - i am currently able to walk

a little more each day, and i am beginning to look for work - i have an

interview with a Temp agency tomorrow - once i can begin working, i will be much

more positive and I will be able to GET MY POWER BACK...and then escape...and

NEVER LOOK BACK OR PLACE MY SELF IN HARMS WAY or give away my contrrol to A N Y

O N E !!!

Â

Dont get tangled again - good luck, with whatever you decide to do !

Â

Ripped

Dont get tangled again.

Â

Subject: Why'd she have write a " nice " e-mail

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 5:50 PM

I got an e-mail from nada today, and I think I need help with a reality check.

Background: I have been nc with my Nada since November (after her escalating BPD

behavior caused a lot of problems for me and my boyfriend when we moved in

together.) It was a very difficult decision and one I have struggled with and

felt a great deal of guilt and anxiety over.

When I was growing up she was very much the waif/hermit type, which resulted in

us having a very enmeshed, unhealthy relationship. After my father passed away

10 years ago, she morphed into more of the queen/witch type. Especially when she

felt threatened that I would " abandon " her (ie get into a serious relationship)

.. She has actually had periods where she seems almost normal, which is what

makes it more difficult. If she were " pure evil " I would feel more justified.

But when her behavior escalates, boy does it escalate. It got to the point where

there was absolutely no trust, no respect of boundaries, etc. She basically

backed me into a corner and forced me to choose between her and my boyfriend. My

future and my past. I chose my future. Which I know was the healthy thing to do.

But very tough.