thank you

December 31, 1999

This group has provided me with a place to discuss one of the most painful

experiences of my life. I don't know exactly why I had to talk about my 12

step treatment and my brief experience with AA, but I did. I don't know why

this experience was so painful, but I'm beginning to understand how the

message I got from AA resonated with a message I got from my family as a

child.

Thanks also to Kim, for recommending " The Guru Papers " (Kramer & Alstad).

I'm loving this book! The gist of it is that we are divided by society:

self-centered vs. selfless, bad vs. good. This division assumes that there

are, somewhere in the world and/or universe, moral authorities to whom we

should be listening. If we don't recognize and listen to these moral

authorities, and act upon their advice, then we are choosing to be bad

people.

This is precisely what 12 step treatment, and then AA, played upon in me.

At a time in my life when I felt lost and searching, AA said follow these 12

simple steps and you will find what you seek. Of course I didn't find peace,

I didn't find answers. I wouldn't be here if I had! I feel now that the

worst thing about my AA experience was the 4th step, and the insistence that

the " moral inventory " focus solely upon the negative. That perspective just

doesn't match the rest of my life.

Questioning this experience with treatment and AA led me to recognize some

messages from my family as a child. Now I am looking for my own answers,

and I believe they change and shift every single day. That is the beauty of

being alive, of having the gift of my senses: I can read the world around me

and decide, based on my experience, what is the best course of action in

this specific situation.

Core values can be good, but they can be bad too. As I look to the future,

I hope that even though it is difficult, I can question my core values if

they don't work, and update them so they are more appropriate for here and

now. The mistake is clinging to a rigid, fixed set of values and forcing

them upon every new situation I encounter.

Anyway, thank you all for providing this environment. It is worth working

for. Thanks to Ken Ragge, Bufe, Apple, and everyone else whose

courage in questioning AA helped me to question it in my own life. Happy

new year to you all.

Judith

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