more on emotional shutdown

February 1, 2000

As I look back I kind of remember that not *all* emotions were repressed in

my 12 step treatment. Shame (euphemistically referred to as " humility " ) and

anger were encouraged. I'm sure they pulled the anger element from

treatment for people who are survivors of extreme abuse. The whole

" program " certainly had more in common with brainwashing than therapy.

For many years I looked for another " program " to replace the 12 steps. Last

summer I went to a few open meetings at a 12 step alternative treatment

clinic, and that was when I first realized that I didn't really want anyone

to tell me how to resolve my problems. I wanted someone to help me figure

out how to resolve my problems in the unique way that works best for me, and

not interfere with my growth.

I did most of it myself because 12 step treatment had been so awful, but I

have to say that legitimate therapists have been helpful since I made it

clear that, to me, AA=voodoo. (I shouldn't say that, I don't have anything

personally against voodoo It's just helpful to have someone I can trust,

to turn to when I'm not sure what is the best way to deal with my emotions.

I guess I thought back then that the point of therapy was to become...I

don't know, more obedient? more conformist? Now I think the therapist is

there for *me*. In fact, I have paid out of pocket for most of the therapy

I've done in the last year, because I wanted independent practitioners who

wouldn't jam some HMO or institutional philosophy down my throat. It's

really important to me to be the powerful one in the therapy relationship.

Anyway, I'm not trying to push anyone into therapy who doesn't want to do

it. Just sharing my experience, where therapy can be helpful as long as

it's not the therapist telling me who I am and who I should be. Pretty much

how Pete described it, someone to talk to along the way.

Judith

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