wrote an email I regret

[Guest guest]

When I was in my solitude, I wrote a very vulnerable, emotional letter to my

Uncle. I think I wrote earlier about how I had contacted him.

Anyhow, I regret writing an email to him regarding what is going on...I was

hoping to get a response from him, but I haven't; so I guess I kind of bugged

him. I told myself, " oh, well " but it still hurt. I had second thoughts about

writing him another email (it wasn't very long, but still...) I got weak because

no one else in my family has contacted me since NC. It seems everyone is AFRAID

of Nada, or it could be that they don't want to get involved with contacting me.

I don't know which.

It also made me wonder why I needed a response so much from my Uncle. I think it

was because he was the only one that seemed to understand my situation. But I

could tell he didn't want to get to involved. But I was also wondering if maybe

I was trying to get a response that I wanted rather than accepting what I

already feared: he didn't care THAT much; or he did, but he wasn't able for

whatever reason to give me the support I had hoped for. I don't know which.

Now I am very embarrassed; and I am now wondering if I was trying to control his

response. A friend I spoke with on the phone mentioned that I could be trying to

control the situation (aka my Uncle's response) rather than letting it go, which

is why I felt anxious about not getting a response back. It made me wonder if I

have control issues or something. She told me she thinks I don't seem like a

controlling person at all, but she brought it up because it's something she's

struggled with in the past. (She also has a very controlling mother). I also

have a very controlling mother, so I am wondering if this is what is going on

with me. Or maybe I just want closure...

Hm...I guess it's something to be aware of for the future. I had a feeling that

I maybe didn't need to email my Uncle back, but I ignored it. That was dumb.

-Joy