emotional confusion (long-sorry)

[Guest guest]

This is hard for me to put into words, but I'd like to see if anyone else

struggles with this and can maybe word it better than I. I will preface it all

by saying that I do know I am struggling with depression, and am being treated

for it with meds and therapy...

The other night my 15 y/o daughter came into my room to bring me my birthday

gift. She was so excited she couldn't even wait until the next day but gave it

to me the night before my birthday. It was a **beautiful** gift, probably one of

the best I've ever received. She had decorated a box with colored duct tape (one

her favorite things) and made colorful pages of things she loves about our

relationship, things she admires/respects about me, a whole page of our silly

one-liner inside jokes, etc. She even had a note about how I am her hero and how

she has enjoyed this time we've had alone while her 16 y/o sister is in

residential treatment for BPD (she and I had talked before about this and agreed

it has been a real bonding time for us - not as a way to leave big sis out, but

simply as a statement of fact; no malice intended at all.) It was amazing!!!

What mother would not want this???

My stuggle is this ... I feel like I have some sort of emotional confusion or

even emotional retardation sometimes (no disrespect intended whatsoever). In my

heart I knew this was BIG (from a teenager???? Absolutely this was big!!!), but

emotionally I felt somehow detached. Last weekend was Mother's Day and it was

very difficult as well. My late husband used to make a really big deal of both

days and include my kids in it all, and now it's just me and younger dtr at

home. So I had my mom and mother in law over for dessert and it was nice to make

a big deal out of them. My 19 y/o son took my dtr out so she could buy me a

card and stuffed bear, and he had gone to where his girlfriend works and HAND

DECORATED a beautiful ceramic flower pot and had it glazed just for me. What a

great guy. (This young man is in a band, buff, cute, muscular ~ and he sat there

and hand designed a drawing of Snoopy and Woodstock for his 'mommy'! Wow!)

Still, somehow my emotions just felt ... weird.

I wonder if it is becs, with a BPD dad, bipolar/NPD stepmom, and emotionally

fearful mom ~ I just don't quite know what my emotions truly are sometimes. They

often all just felt so wrong and confusing, and KOs often have to pretend they

are feeling what they aren't, or at least hide what they are feeling. Don't get

me wrong, I can be a very emotional person and I work hard to be especially

emotionally transparent and honest with my kids ... I think it is in the

RECEIVING of things I get so whacked out. It's as if I am waiting and wanting

something really good and loving (and my kids' gift were EXACTLY that - pure

love), but I just don't know how to take it in, to receive it well and feel the

accompanying emotions. I can give fantastic, heartfelt, emotional gifts and

interactions to people but it's so hard to receive them. Like a littel girl who

wants a pony for Christmas and actually gets one, but FEELS instead like she got

a box of dirt.

My therapist has said, " You are a great tour guide to grace, showing others the

way and cheering them on, but you cannot take it in for yourself. " It's very

true. I often feel (and say) " Well, those good things are meant for others, and

I truly love to give them to others. But they aren't meant for me. I'm not

'those people'. I don't get those kinds of good things. " The above stories are

just a brief example. I often feel the same at holidays, etc. They are just hard

emotionally. I'd rather spend all my time and energy and put on a fantastic

party for everyone else. I LOVE to see them have a good time! But I'm not 'those

people'.

It's almost as if I can't allow myself to take in the good, to accept that I can

even (gulp) deserve anything of true, lasting happiness to become a part of me.

If it comes to me, I can't accept that it is anything but temporary. As I get

older it seems to get harder. Granted the past few years have been very hard and

I have had a LOT of loss and grief to deal with (husband's death, dtr's dx with

mental illness and all the acting out that led up to that (rages, suicidal,

etc), being a single mom for the 2nd time [1st husband left 12+ years ago],

younger dtr experimenting with self harm in imitation of big sis,

unsupportive-poor-excuse-of-a-man ex-husband - in much denial of dtr's mental

illness, strain between my girls becs of mental illness, return to work after

widowed but now unemployed, dtr away at residential care - gone for over a year

now, knowing she will be home soon and *I* will be the parent responsible for

her, etc). Gee, okay never mind - I guess I do have reason to be depressed! ; )

But no really, it feels like more than that.

Does anyone understand this? Does anyone else struggle with these things? I wish

I had a succint way to word it. I guess I'm just looking for validation as to

whether this is a KO thing or not, and also for any suggestions as to what you

may have found helpful if you've battled this as well. I sometimes wonder if

even my perception of what I 'should' be feeling and how I 'ought to' be

reacting is right. Maybe that's what's off??? This is so hard for me to be

trasparent about, and to even say it's a struggle for me. I'm somehow very

embarrassed by it - which is probably a 'fleas' issue, but I'm just not sure.

Thanks for listening and indulging me,