deprogramming

[Guest guest]

The first stage of my " official " deprogramming began last summer when I

learned how to say " I hate you " to something that hurt me, specifically AA.

You know what, that's not true--the first stage began about 5 years ago, in

a depression support group. That's when I realized I had never learned

anything about loving myself, except that the phrase " loving myself "

expresses sexual innuendo. An immature, smirking way of putting down people

who have had the courage to question beliefs they were raised with.

As I said a few days ago, I'm reading a book about verbal abuse (The

Verbally Abusive Relationship, ). The author refers to a book on

Apple's website which I ordered last fall (For Your Own Good, ), so

I'm reading that book too. It makes me physically ill to read these books.

It's like I'm learning to see a heretofore undetected dimension, and

learning new words to talk about that dimension, and the conflict between

the old and the new hits my body hard.

But it will not last forever. The conflict will lessen. I am a strong and

persuasive woman, and I communicate pretty well most of the time (at least

when I know what I'm talking about And I guess that I am beginning to

see a long-term goal, something that I must work toward now while I can.

I mentioned a depression support group. I was in that group because in

about 1992 I realized that I was making suicide a long term goal. That

scared me, because I accomplish my long-term goals. And so I am overcome

with gratitude as I recognize the formation of this new life goal for

myself, a goal that celebrates my life and encourages me to connect with

life all the time, and to reject soul-killing hyperconformity wherever I see

it.

Judith

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