Re: AA addict

February 19, 2000

Hi Amy!

Sorry to hear about your troubles. You boyfriend seems to have fallen

under the ifluence of a very powerful pull - that of the AA group. I

can't imagine him reacting any differently if four of his AA buddies

were right outside the car! The AA experience is a powerful one and a

persuasive one for someone in a weakened state. Why do they think that

you are a bad influence on him? Didn't you support him and want him to

sober up and get better? Sounds like a good influence to me. so what

was the culmination of it all? When is the last time you saw him?

Apple

" amy hunt " wrote:

original article:/group/12-step-free/?start=12695

> Hi all! I am new to this group. I don't really know a lot about what

everyone has been talking about, but I have to tell someone what AA has

done in my life. I have been with an alcoholic for 4 years now. I

pushed him to go to AA. I thought it would help. Of course, after his

last drunk driving the judge pushed him to go to. Well, he has been dry

for 9 months. AA, I thought was great. WRONG!! They have been on this

kick..... He must get rid of anything that could cause him to drink.

This included me! I went through hell with him, and now he says he can

not see or talk to me. I approached him about 4 days after he told me

this. As we sat in the car and spoke, he cried. He said he loved me,

but....

> Of course four of his AA buddies stood outside the car. I feel like

it is me against the whole darn AA group. So, someone tell me, is it a

lost cause? Is there any chance of getting through to someone who is an

AA addict? It is almost like AA is a cult.

>

February 19, 2000

Hi Amy;

AA IS a cult and therein lies the problem. My question would be, if

he'll kick over the traces, just because some AA people tell him to,

do you want him back?

I'd bet serious money that soon, as within a few months, he shows

up on your doorstep drunk. Of course he can't go to his AA pals in

that condition and you did put up with it for several years. Thus

you'll be where he will try to land. That's just a guess based on

experience with easily changed people.

Would you be able to forgive this and trust he wouldn't repeat the

same behavior the next time AA buddies pressured him? I

wouldn't, but that's just me.

My wife said she needed some space and was going to her

sisters, this after being gone on a months vacation with her sis.

Instead she removed all our money from the bank and called and

said she wanted a divorce, leaving me with all the bills, seven

bounced checks and a general mess. When the money ran out

she called and said she'd changed her mind and didn't want a

divorce. However, I do. I lost the feeling of safety and security I

had with her and I'm just too damed old (62 today) to want to try

and rebuild it, so divorce it will be. We were married twelve years

and a few days when this happened.

There's a lot more to it than that, but that's the short version. All I

get out of her when I ask questions is Alanon gibberish, which is

meaningless in the context of the situation.

Just my 2 cents

February 20, 2000

Hi Amy,

I agree with , AA is a cult.

My guess is that he has been told that he must change

absolutely everything in his life or he will drink and die.

He has been told that anything that he thinks is wrong be-

cause his best thinking got him to AA. He must therefore

depend on the group (these 4 AA buddies) to do all of his

thinking for him. And they will.

A person is told to not have any relationships within the

first year and if they are in a " dangerous " one that they

should leave it. Men are often told that " under every skirt

there is a slip. " They may have him afraid of you. After

all, he has been told that if he drinks again, he will surely

go insane, to jail, or die. If he is as desperate as I

was, he will do all that they say. Even if that means leaving

someone he loves.

I have been with my significant other for alittle over 11 yrs.

He is a well respected member of the community, has a

wonderful job, and treats me well. He has never, ever had

an encounter with the law. But guess what? Occassionally,

he likes to smoke alittle pot. ( not my drug of choice, by

the way.) While I was in AA for 1 year, I fortunately did

not mention this little detail. Thank friggin' goodness.

AA would have had me packing my bags and living in a group

home with all of their other sheep. This would have been

an absolutely insane choice.

I wish you luck, here. It is very hard to communicate

with someone who is brainwashed. They are packed full of

slogans for any occassion. And then it gets worse.

Not trying to give advice, but you may want to think about

yourself here and move on. Otherwise you are going to be

spending the rest of your days with a robot.

Maybe you could have him read the AA deprogramming site?

It surely helped me to see more clearly what I already knew

was there.

Sue

>Subject: AA addict

>Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 14:50:34 -0500

>

>Hi all! I am new to this group. I don't really know a lot about what

>everyone has been talking about, but I have to tell someone what AA has

>done in my life. I have been with an alcoholic for 4 years now. I pushed

>him to go to AA. I thought it would help. Of course, after his last drunk

>driving the judge pushed him to go to. Well, he has been dry for 9 months.

>AA, I thought was great. WRONG!! They have been on this kick..... He must

>get rid of anything that could cause him to drink. This included me! I went

>through hell with him, and now he says he can not see or talk to me. I

>approached him about 4 days after he told me this. As we sat in the car and

>spoke, he cried. He said he loved me, but....

>Of course four of his AA buddies stood outside the car. I feel like it is

>me against the whole darn AA group. So, someone tell me, is it a lost

>cause? Is there any chance of getting through to someone who is an AA

>addict? It is almost like AA is a cult.

>

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>

______________________________________________________

February 21, 2000

Sue: This is hilarious! I never heard that before! Maybe cuz the women

at the Alano Club (nickname: The Snakepit) don't wear undergarments.

" sue styd " wrote:

original article:/group/12-step-free/?start=12706

Men are often told that " under every skirt there is a slip. "

February 21, 2000

Hi Amy, sorry that the AA backlash has struck. From what I understand, AA

newbies are told to avoid " people, places & things " that they associate with

their previous drinking behaviors. There doesn't have to be anything

intrinsically wrong with the person, place or thing, they just represent a

possible trigger. In my experience, this principle is less emphasized in

OA, for kind of obvious reasons. As a bulimic, it could get pretty funny

" Oh, I can't go back to work, I threw up there once "

Be strong!

>

>Reply-To: 12-step-freeegroups

>To: <12-step-freeeGroups>

>Subject: Re: AA addict

>Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2000 00:36:11 -0500

>

>Hi Amy,

>

>Sorry to hear about your situation, but it is not that unusual. Very often

>long-term relationships and marriages break up after one partner goes to

>AA.

>

>AA is basically a cult. But it's not rigidly structured, and some AA

>experiences, and groups, are more cultish than others.

>

>You don't say WHY your 'alcoholic' says he needs to dump you in order to

>stay sober. Maybe you could ask him to explain the rationale. If it's

>something like, you drink and keep alcohol around the house, then you could

>discuss it with him, and if he's worth the trouble, you could change

>things.

>

>On the other hand, if he can't give you a reasonable explanation, it's

>probably all bullshit. He may have found an AA gal. He might have decided

>that he is gay. Who knows.

>

>Another possibility is that you aren't 'spiritual' enough for him any more,

>now that he's found his Higher Power and all.

>

>I'm basically shooting in the dark here. You didn't really give many clues

>in your post about the specifics. Assuming that you're not just being

>reticent, the guy really owes you a better explanation, and you could ask

>him to give you one. In AA you're not supposed to hurt people, and you're

>supposed to 'make amends' if you do, and you're not supposed to be entirely

>selfish in your sexual realtionships. You might try pointing out these

>principles.

>

>To answer your question, it's not necessarily a lost cause.

>

>-- wally

>

>-----Original Message-----