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[Guest guest]

Hi my friends,

As many of you know, I have been NC for almost 4 years. There are days when it

was hard, but most of the time I have a calm and peaceful life and THAT is

worth it!

So, recently, I had some extended FOO relatives visit me, and they have their

own dynamics, but they certainly are an advocate for me with nada and my FOO.

They don't agree that she has a mental illness (they say " don't diagnose your

mother! " and scold me) but they do aknowledge that something is really wierd and

off in that household and they certainly aknowledge my pain, because they know

nada. They just don't have to deal with her very often, so it's not as pressing

of an issue as it was for me, who grew up with daily contact to her.

Anyway, I had taken all of my things out of the FOO house when I went NC.

People on this list really helped me, you encouraged me to do this to avoid any

further involvement and manipulation. I took everything out of the FOO house

and put it in storage until I could deal with it. That was great advice.

However, there were two items that I do wish I had out of the FOO house that I

wasn't able to take at that time. One item is a FOO heirloom, not very big, but

valuable in terms of its significance that it has been passed down for several

generations. I'm not sure how it works, but because of my place in the birth

order or whatever, the heirloom is supposed to be passed to me. I was not able

to get it out of the FOO household at the time I went NC because, frankly, I

forgot to ask about it.

Well, the relatives who recenlty visited me brought it up, they know about this

heirloom, and they asked me if I had it. I said, no, it's still at nada's

house. My relative interceded for me, and per my instructions, asked nada to

mail it to me. I have a PO BOX and nada obliged, sending it with registered

mail. She probably was all agreeable simply because she wants to appear lovely

to the relative; it was really good to have someone else on my side.

So, yesterday, I went to the post office, picked up the package and signed for

it. I had to show my ID, and etc since it was registered and secured and all

that. Nada must know that I received it, since I am not complaining and since

the post office can tell her I signed for it with my ID, etc.

I am really really glad I now have this heirloom in my possession, since it

connects me to previous generations. However, nada put more stuff in the

package, and that is why I am writing this email. It could never be easy and

uncomplicated with a nada, right? I need advice on how to handle this.

Nada put a large box of special homemade cookies, that I really like. it was

really nice, because I obviously haven't eaten these in years. It's this

complicated recipe that she makes. My nada is a good baker, I have to admit

that. She also put a box of expensive choclates and other gifts. Basically, it

was a really big package with the small heirloom just a tiny part of it.

I know this is nada's way of trying to guilt me into contact. I appreciate the

cookies and the gifts, and if this were a normal person who reacts to things in

a normal way, I would absolutely thank them with either a phone call, an email,

or a note. But this is nada...

I have to hide the cookies because I don't want my friends to see them. Imagine

a friend asking me, who sent you those? And I would answer, my mother, but I

don't know whether I should thank her. I can just anticipate my friends telling

me, that my mother is so nice, she sends a big box of gifts... it's creepy. I

have to hide them, and I'm not sharing them with friends because they won't

understand why a box of cookies is worrisome.

I don't want to break my contact under any circumstances. I also know this is

not an apology or aknowledgement for any of the pain nada has caused me,

especially how she raged at me the last time I saw her 4 years ago.

Yet I do feel guilt because I am not thanking someone for a gift. I also know

nada will get anxious if she doesn't know IMMEDIATELY whether the heirloom made

it here safely. I know I will hear about this from other people, anyone she

can tell how ungrateful her daughter is. How she reaches out to her daughter,

how much work she put into those cookies, and how much it cost to mail such a

big package (all of $27) and that I am just ungrateful.

If I do thank her, I get drawn into interactions I don't want to be in.

I think I will take the route of not responding. She knows the package was

received, because knowing her and her anxiety levels, she's probably been

tracking the package on the internet every day since she mailed it.

Also, I thought about letting fada (who I'm in RC with over email sometimes)

know that it arrived, but he's always in the middle of triangulation, I'll leave

the poor man out of it.

I suppose I could let the other relative, the one who arranged all of this know,

but she, like a normal person not used to the FOO dynamics, would not realize

that she is supposed to tell nada.

Do I have to feel guilty for eating the cookies and not saying thank you to

nada? Is it ok to just let my signature at the post office speak for itself?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Walkingto Happiness.