Re: Hello I am new/Cathy

[Guest guest]

Desert Fire () wrote:

>I have had five failed spine surgeries, a joint deteriorating disease, born

with a fractured spine. I am a type 2 diabetic and have c.o.p.d., heart problem

or rather a stint in one of the veins that is close to the heart.

>

> I am an artist professionally, a holistic healer, licensed, and an author of

four books, now at the end of a college program with repair and design in the

area of professional fine jewelry.

,

Welcome and this is a wonderful group that have saved me at many depths of sheer

depression and hopelessness that stayed with me.

I have two Masters degrees, retired military Reserve officer with twenty six

years but no pay until sixty (59 this August) Nurse, x-ray technician, radiation

therapist, Special Educatior and Advocate, now doing animal rescue from my lap

top, writing grants when I can and some fostering.

We have members in all walks of life to include internationally

from young to old as I am, that have endured you journey and other journies. We

have Doctors, Nurses, Professors, our most important wives, Mothers, Fathers,

children, brothers and sisters.

I can no longer do the the things you are stating you excell at and

I applaud you for it but for some even with holistic healer, licensed and many

specialists, getting out of the bed to walk to the bathroom pee would be like

winning the presidency.

The reason I said this is just today at my Doctors office I broke down as I

cannot handle the pain and am mad at myself for it . My Doctor, wonderful as she

is stated " Bennie, the first day I met you, I could not understand how you could

make it through the day with

the severe cramps I examined in your piriformis, Si problems, the

instrumentation in your back, and wanted immediately wanted to assist you "

Then the most helpful thing " You have the highest pain threshold I have seen in

a person and your blood pressure is 240/124 and you are not complaining " We have

to get your pain level down and your blood pressure down and I have never

thought of you of drug seeking when I was sharing how embarrassing it was at my

other Doctor going in and given a pee bottle every month and having to have your

pills counted and chastised if you wanted to take an extra 5mg oxycodone "

I do not have the goals of being anything, goals or others but to care for

myself and be out of pain and that is the way it should be for chronic pain

patient, anything else is icing on the cake and everyone is important with or

without those (speaking for myself).

I worked at the VA and no more understand the plight of the quadriplegics I

cared for ( although I have always been a caregiver of others and

compassionate).

I hope no one ever evaluates me on what I did or did not do but who I was and I

cared for others and not whether I could handle my pain or not.

I told my Doctor that the Dilaudid helped my pain in the ER and she said I had

been on my regimen for over five years and I understand tolerance so my

oxycodone 10 mg break thru is out the window and new break thru and new muscle

relaxant and two week evaluation.

I know we all get bad experiences and I know I will have others but this has

been the lowest since my diagnosis and auto wreck after my fusion and something

has happened inside as I had blood rectally and had that fall three weeks ago. I

am going back in but am glad I am not having to deal with the negative

assumptions that happen with some medical personnel we encounter and talk about.

Sorry, , this was not supposed to be about me but you. Welcome and glad you

are here and hope we can encourage, celebrate, vent, and contribute to your

journey with pain and your accomplishments in life. Welcome again and hope

things all good your way.

I said the words to my Doctor today " I hate this happened to me

that it stole what I wanted to do in life, my financial capability to earn, my

ability to serve others, the reasons I thought I was living for, because a man

was in a hurry to get home and pulled out in front of me and could care less

what became of me and had no insurance and really messed up my SI joint after my

back was destroyed helping others " I feel there is no purpose for me but my

dogs look at me and licked me when I came home and my husband looked at me

loving and I realized this was not the time yet but emotions are not logical,

. We are here for you.

Bennie

[Guest guest]

> Bennie wrote:

> I hate this happened to me that it stole what I wanted to do in life, my

financial capability to earn, my ability to serve others, the reasons I thought

I was living for

That is exactly how I feel! I was so down yesterday, it just hit me out of the

blue. I cried and then got over it as my siblings and Dad called me to say Happy

Birthday.

I live with severe chronic pain, and next year, when my husband is reduced to

Medicare, I may not be able to keep the pain specialist clinic to continue with

my medications.

I am falling into the unknown, and my purpose is more unclear than ever.

[Guest guest]

I felt that way a couple of years ago. My daughter turned 18, moved out and

got married and I entered the worst depression of my life. I was living

with Chronic pain, and it was getting worse and worse. I had to move to

town from the country and stop doing animal rescue; my daughter didn't " need

me " anymore. I was just lying around, crying and begging to die. I thought

my life was done, because what I was meant to do was done.

My daughter

finally got so worried she convinced me to go to a place to be checked out.

I've been Bi-Polar for years, but the Mania was always the worst for me;

depression wasn't nearly as bad. And I'd been managing the Bi-Polar myself

with sunlight and vitamins; but it was PAST the point where I could help

myself. They put me on a medication called Lamectil, and that really did

save my life.

Once I had the depression under control, I was able to talk to my doctor

about getting on some pain medication that would help my pain better and

that left just the " nothing to live for/task finished " part.

To address

that, I went back to school. I started at an online college called AIU and

have found that it has been a WONDERFUL experience. It's not a

traditional college, they have either one or two classes that last 5 weeks,

it keeps my attention, doesn't last so long that I get bored; and it's

challenging and interesting. I already got my AA and I'm working on my

Bachelors degree, then I want to get a Master's in Education so I can teach

other adults. I want to give others the sense of accomplishment that I've

had with this experience.

Best of all, I stay busy, which helps with my

pain! I'm not saying it's not hard, or that at times I don't want quit

because the pain is so bad I just can't think of going on...but the school

works with me and the fewer classes are VERY helpful!

I wish I could help everyone; but all I can say is that depression follows

chronic pain. Once you deal with the depression, things sometimes look much

more " handle able " .

Marta

> Bennie wrote:

> I hate this happened to me that it stole what I wanted to do in life, my

financial capability to earn, my ability to serve others, the reasons I

thought I was living for

[Guest guest]

Marta wrote:

> I felt that way a couple of years ago. My daughter turned 18, moved out and

> got married and I entered the worst depression of my life. I was living

> with Chronic pain, and it was getting worse and worse. >

> > Bennie wrote:

> > I hate this happened to me that it stole what I wanted to do in life, my

> financial capability to earn, my ability to serve others.

I think depression and pain go hand in hand. I was in a terrible accident at a

job site. My neck, thoracic, and lumbar spine were fractured in 13 places. Not

to mention the herniations that were found after I had a full body MRI. 5 in my

neck with myelopathy. And

four in my thoracic spine, and two in my lumbar spine.

It took many years later to get osteophtes or bone spurs as they are normally

known as. I've got constant nerve pain in all three regions. The worst of which

are in the cervical spine.

My depression happened just three years later when I had uncontrolable pain.

Nothing my doctor tried worked on the pain. Until I saw a neurologist who also

is a surgeon(sic)too. He spoke with my PCP and prcribed Vicodin ES. That worked

for a year then they precribed Vicodin HP. which is still working, but not for 6

hours now. It only works for 4 hours, hence the need for break through pain.

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I am new here and hope I'm not intruding on your conversation. I can relate

to this SO much though, that reading these comments makes me get teary eyed.

I am so tired of the constant pain, and find that the pain itself is

exhausting at times. If that makes sense. I go through phases of being

depressed about it. Lately, however, I find myself angry (not a usual state

for me) much of the time. And I feel like a burden.

When I talk on the phone to my parents (they are divorced and each live far

away), I get differing responses, but find the calls leave me sad and

upset. My mother doesn't seem to realize the extent of my health issues.

She likes to say " Oh well, chin up! " or that I just need to get out more. A

little difficult when I use a quad cane or walker. She is of the mentality

that the dr's only cause more problems and I'd feel better if I just stopped

trying medications, etc.

I have been thinking about why this makes me mad and have come to this

conclusion. I would just like for her, or my sister, to say they are sorry

that this has happened to me, or they understand how I might feel having my

'old life' taken away from me, and my plans for the future forcible

changed. Is that unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I know they don't care

to hear the medical details. But I guess I just want some acknowledgement

of this major change in my life. Maybe I shouldn't care what they think or

say ... just don't know.

Sorry to ramble, just was compelled to express this.

Thanks,

Melani

[Guest guest]

Im getting to some older emails, but feels this is worth saying...

Waiting for others to validate our pain will make us nuts. How can they know

what they've never experienced? My family wouldn't take me in when I needed

the most help. I was told that my nieces wouldn't have time to get me to my

doctors. I wasn't happy, but I rolled with it and made other arrangements to

move rural and pray that God would put people in my path to help me

Well fast forward 6 months later when I was downsizing and passing on family

heirlooms. They SAW for themselves how fragile I was and were shocked. Why?

Didn't they believe me? I've never been one to look for a handout. I've

never asked anyone for money. So, why wasn't I believed?

Now I want to tell them to eff off. Yet they are so worried. I;m so annoyed

that I just do the best that I can with you guys on this group and a few

others, my doctors and complete strangers in doctors waiting rooms.

Ellen