Question

May 19, 2009

I think I have a distorted view of normal interactions, for sure I am

hyper-senstive to others' feelings, as a result of how I grew up. This is my

question. My husband will be flying out of a city where my aunt (dad's sister)

and my sister both live. Since my husband flight leaves super early in the

morning, we will need to stay in that city (we live about four hours away from

this airport) before his flight. My husband wants to stay with my aunt. I

don't mind staying with her; I like her. The problem is that there is a whole

lot of family drama between my nada and my dad's side of the family My sister

has had her problems with that side of the family, too. I think that my nada

and my sister's problems are their problems--I'm not withholding relationship

from myself with my dad's family based on someone else's (mom and sister's)

problems with them. I think, though, if we stay with my aunt and my sister

finds out (which she will) she might get hurt that we didn't stay with her. My

nada will definitely blow a gasket. Oh well about that. Whatever.

I am worried about sister's response, though. We've just started to have a

relationship. If she is hurt that I didn't stay with her, do you think this

would be a reasonable hurt for someone to have? Or, if sister is hurt would it

be an unreasonable hurt for her to have?

I guess what I am really worried about is that sister will be mad at me and the

relationship we have will be impacted, and I don't want that to happen.

Even more than that, though, I want to protect my relationship with my husband.

There has been so much drama surrounding him and my side of the family that he

just has no interest in my family whatsoever. I don't blame him at all. I

support him in his needs for space from my family right now. There is no way I

am going to " Make " him stay with my sister.

Thanks,

Lucky Blue Jay

June 5, 2009

Wow , you don't beat around the bush!! I like that. = )

I don't think there is one simple answer, but I bet lots of good people here

will have helpful words for you. I can only speak for myself in this, and the

first word I think of is " time " . The second word is " work " . +My pd dad and

stepmom have passed away, though I didn't even realize there was such a depth of

illness and inappropriateness involved until recently so in many ways I am still

processing. Oh, and I am in therapy.

I realized my dad was first bpd when reading up on it after my teen dtr's bpd

diagnosis. So I guess in a sense it has helped me to have a little bit of

compassion for what his struggle must have been, since I've seen my own precious

girl go thru her personal agony with it. Still, a reason is not an excuse (my

bpd mantra), and I have plenty of emotional fallout to deal with. In some ways I

believe I am so much luckier (sorry if that is a poor or offensive use of the

word) than many here as I no longer have a living breathing PD parent to deal

with. I am full of awe and respect for so many people on this list.

I wish you peace as you seek strength for all that lies ahead, . I look

forward with you to hearing replies to your question.

Take care,

>

> How do people get past all of the anger towards the havoc the person with BPD

has created and move forward?

June 6, 2009

> >

> > Boy, am I feeling good about finding this group! I have a question,

> is it

> > advisable to share with your nada, that she has this condition and

> now that you

> > are aware of it you are going to be reacting to her differently? I'd

> > appreciate any input or stories.

> >

> > Alice

> >

> > This is a question that has been posted several times and I would

> say the consensus of most posters is that to tell any BPD they have a

> problem is a big mistake. One of the basic characteristics of BPD is

> that the sick person fully believes they are just fine. The rest of

> the world is wrong or crazy. While they split others black and white

> they also split themselves so if they admit they are mentally ill or

> even wrong about something they feel so totally useless and low about

> themselves that they can't stand it. I know my own mother has a ton

> of anxiety with her BPD and is in complete denial about it. She

> describes it as being sick but when anyone calls it anxiety she says

> " I don't have anxiety. What is that? " She is elderly and may truly

> not understand, but I think it is more of a thing of denial.

> Especially in her generation it was very bad to have anything wrong

> with you mentally. I wouldn't dream of telling her she has BPD.

> Your mother is probably younger and while there is some success in

> helping people with BPD, it is very difficult and takes some desire on

> the part of the person to want to change. I have heard others say it

> is better to let a professional person tell them, if anyone, and not a

> family member. I wouldn't do anything about telling her at this

> point. There is still a lot to learn about the disease and I would

> get professional advice before opening that can of worms. Dee

> >

June 6, 2009

My nada, who is in her 80's, has been twice diagnosed with borderline pd. The

first time she was in her 40's and she had dragged our dad to a marriage

counselor to " straighten him out about a few things. " At the end of that first

and only session the therapist said that in his opinion my mother had borderline

pd, and (according to Sister, who was still living at home at the time) all that

did was enrage nada. Sister said that nada spent the rest of that day in a

tantrum, declared the therapist to be an idiot and unqualified, etc.

The second time our nada was diagnosed was last year. Sister and I gave our nada

an ultimatum: go into therapy and make a real effort to improve her behavior and

we would consider re-establishing contact with nada.

Nada did go to therapy; she appeared to understand her condition, appeared to

improve her behaviors, wrote an apology letter... but sadly none of these

changes were real or permanent. Nada later recanted during a rage, said that

she only went to therapy to appease Sister and me, that there was nothing wrong

with her, she had always been a perfect mother, and that we were the hateful,

crazy ones.

Sister and I have become inured to the reality that our nada can only seem

genuinely pleasant, kind and happy for certain limited amounts of time but will

always revert to her standard hostile, negative, abusive behaviors.

I particularly hate the eerie fake happy-camper behavior even more than the

openly angry raging or when she gives us the icy silent treatment. The fake

chirpy/perky behaviors include a lot of sly innuendo, passive-aggressive insults

and backhanded compliments that I find truly creepy.

We are coming around to accepting that our nada can't change and doesn't truly

feel remorseful that she causes us pain: she is too elderly and too fixed in her

disordered behavior patterns. Although we did get her to continue therapy, we

realize that its probably pointless and we will have to ride the nada

roller-coaster for the rest of her life. We will periodically have to cut off

contact with her when she acts out, and try to enjoy the good phases when they

occur. Its just one of those sad facts of life for us.

At least now we understand that its not us, we aren't horrible, hateful people,

that the problem is that our mother is mentally ill and that its OK for us to

protect ourselves from her when she's being abusive.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Boy, am I feeling good about finding this group! I have a question,

> > is it

> > > advisable to share with your nada, that she has this condition and

> > now that you

> > > are aware of it you are going to be reacting to her differently? I'd

> > > appreciate any input or stories.

> > >

> > > Alice

> > >

> > > This is a question that has been posted several times and I would

> > say the consensus of most posters is that to tell any BPD they have a

> > problem is a big mistake. One of the basic characteristics of BPD is

> > that the sick person fully believes they are just fine. The rest of

> > the world is wrong or crazy. While they split others black and white

> > they also split themselves so if they admit they are mentally ill or

> > even wrong about something they feel so totally useless and low about

> > themselves that they can't stand it. I know my own mother has a ton

> > of anxiety with her BPD and is in complete denial about it. She

> > describes it as being sick but when anyone calls it anxiety she says

> > " I don't have anxiety. What is that? " She is elderly and may truly

> > not understand, but I think it is more of a thing of denial.

> > Especially in her generation it was very bad to have anything wrong

> > with you mentally. I wouldn't dream of telling her she has BPD.

> > Your mother is probably younger and while there is some success in

> > helping people with BPD, it is very difficult and takes some desire on

> > the part of the person to want to change. I have heard others say it

> > is better to let a professional person tell them, if anyone, and not a

> > family member. I wouldn't do anything about telling her at this

> > point. There is still a lot to learn about the disease and I would

> > get professional advice before opening that can of worms. Dee

> > >

June 6, 2009

That's a good question and I'm curious to see others' answers. For me, getting

past the anger at my BPD'd mother involved a combination of the following:

Learning about BPD and learning that there was a reason she behaves the way she

does. Encountering a couple other people with BPD since then, whose behavior

helped me see that the traits really are a pattern. Somehow that helped me take

it less personally. I think the biggest thing was just time. For me, lots of

time had to pass to lessen the anger. I also tried therapy, books, meditation,

little steps at trying to feel better physically and mentally. Another huge part

of healing was starting to recognize unhealthy patterns/people and keeping them

out of my life in the first place; and hand-in-hand with that, finding kind

people in my life who can validate my experience, and surrounding myself with

healthier people.

However, that being said... Although I have moved past my anger at my mom, and I

finally recognize potential PD traits in people I date (and run like heck before

getting involved), I recently got totally blindsided by a person with BPD in

another area of my life. (My " current-day trigger " as I call it.) This person

did the " hate campaign " thing with me, and since it's impacting a big area of my

life that I can't untangle myself from right now, I still feel very angry and

stressed about it. I understand that there are certain aspects of this person's

behavior that they cannot control, but still... I am very angry at the disease

and the situation. I went back to therapy to try to deal with the anger of this,

but unfortunately, it wasn't effective. I've tried stress reduction techniques.

I re-read books about BPD for the vaidation. I joined this list to remind myself

that I'm not alone. I think until I can fully remove myself from my current

situation, it's going to be pretty challenging to let go of the anger since I

still have to face this person and deal with the aftermath of the smear

campaign.

Sorry... this turned into more of a vent than an answer! Let's see who has some

good advice.

~Saturday

To: WTOAdultChildren1

From: pug3034@...

Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 20:51:53 -0700

Subject: question

How do people get past all of the anger towards the havoc the person with

BPD has created and move forward?

June 8, 2009

I had a similar situation with a BPD ex-friend at

work. She was behaving in an inappropriate way and

injecting way too much drama in my life, so I made

the choice to end the frienship, at which point

she started spreading rumors about me. I don't

know what she was telling people,

but I know it must have been something bad because

people I didn't even know despised me intensely.

So, this situation made me angry. It went on for

1.5 years and has died down now. I didn't say a

word in my own defense, and I said nothing bad

about the ex-friend during this time (well, there

was one time when I said something a bit passive

aggressive, but only that one time.) By now, a lot

of the people she was talking to are reaching

out to me. I just went to the gym with one of

them a few hours ago. I think that they realize that

my ex-friend has issues. Perhaps they have seen her

other side now, too. I still don't really know.

Sometimes a situation sucks and you can't do anything

and you just have to work on coping. The good thing

is that no situation lasts forever and " this too

shall pass. "

I don't believe that anger can be willed away. The

most you can do is be aware of it and try to modify

your behavior so you don't lash out. I personally use

avoidant coping techniques. In other words, I stayed

away from my ex-friend and her cohorts as much as

humanly possible. This might be sort

of cowardly, but it kept me out of high-drama

situations where I might have blurted out something

I would have regretted.

Headphones (an iPod or whatever) helped me, too. I'd

put on podcasts or music to block out what other people

were doing and to keep myself from thinking repetitive

thoughts about how big a % & #$# my ex-friend was and

how these other people were fools to fall for her

waif act (notably, I fell for it, too, for a long time,

so they aren't really to blame.)

I hope my story helps you. Maybe other people will have

more coping ideas. Good luck.

>

> That's a good question and I'm curious to see others' answers. For me, getting