Good advice from columnist

[Guest guest]

This column from advice columnist Carolyn Hax describes some of the concepts

from my EFG quite well. I love her idea of imagining a person like a room. Take

a look.

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

Author, " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder "

(Available at www.BPDCentral.com)

Searching gray area for black, white answers

Posted: May. 30, 2009

DEAR CAROLYN: I've never written in before because I've always  until now. I

emerged from an abusive . . . thought myself very self-aware

relationship about two years ago, and have dated some since, but nothing with

any real potential.

I recently met someone I'm crazy about, though I'm not sure it's for the right

reasons. He mentally challenges me and pushes me to understand the choices that

I've made in relationships, which has made me reflect a lot on those questions.

But he also seems to push my buttons and test my limits, and all together this

has made me trust myself less and become wary of what his intentions are.

How do I find the line between thought-provoking and manipulative? How do I know

if I'm scared because I'm opening up to someone again vs. being drawn into

another emotionally abusive relationship?

- L.

" Drawn into " is just the right choice of words. You like this guy, or you

wouldn't have started dating him in the first place - and so you're reluctant to

criticize his way of showing he cares.

Most of us do this, to some extent; you smile and nod through the boring story

because you - what's a good rationalization here? - appreciate that s/he wants

to share with you! And otherwise s/he's so good for you. There you go.

But then you're 10 years into boring stories, no rationalization is powerful

enough to counteract the boredom, and you're desperately looking for exactly

what you had 10 years ago and threw away - a relatively painless way out.

People get drawn into all kinds of bad relationships, not just abusive ones.

It's just difficult to stay focused on our own happiness when we're also trying

not to hurt somebody's feelings. It takes a particular kind of strength to look

into the eyes of your hopeful companion and say: " Nah. "

So please note the way you framed your question. You're focused almost entirely

on figuring him out, and waiting for an answer before you decide how you feel.

You want to " find the line " - in other words, you want some objective,

dispassionate standard that tells you whether to stay or go.

**There is no such thing, nor should there be; there may be common threads in

what people feel, think and experience, but looking solely to those devalues

what you are feeling. There are already enough people living the wrong lives

because they thought they " should " like X, do Y, or draw some arbitrary line at

Z.*******

So please stop trying to figure out the guy, and just listen to what your

doubts, your fears and even your " crazy " -ness are telling you.

One way to be objective about a person without discounting your feelings - the

exact combination that can be so elusive - is to think of someone not as a

person, but as a place.

Specifically: Can you imagine this man as your home? Is he a soft couch and

slippers, or cold floors and a treadmill? Is a place that " challenges " and

" pushes " the kind of place where you can let your guard down at the end of a

difficult day? Is this where you most want to be?