Re: messed up thinking2

[Guest guest]

Abby, I suggest (yes, here it comes...) another book titled Toxic Parents:

Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Perhaps you have read

this? I found the part where it described how hard it can be to acknowledge your

anger towards a parent if you feel they cannot be held responsible due to their

past/mental situation/stress, etc. One of the motivating things for me was: What

you don't hand back (that is, your anger towards them); you will pass forward.

What also helped me was that I imagined dealing with my anger towards my nada as

a gift to myself; because I would never get it from nada.

Hope this Helps.

JL

> >

> > Every time I start to think about and work through a few of the more painful

memories/issues, the first thing that comes to mind is nada and what she went

through as a child. The self-talk starts and I downplay what happened to me

because it was not as bad as the horrible experiences that happened to nada as a

child, none of which I should know, btw. This is driving me nuts! It's a mental

block I can't move or go around. It's one of the things I'm struggling with now.

I've been reading different books that have been recommended to me and I can't

seem to see myself or self-identify with what I'm reading. Instead, I see nada!

I see her pain and her hurt and I identify with hers, not mine.

> >

> > Abby

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I read Toxic Parents. I actually found it more helpful than Understanding the

Borderline Mother. I'm not as angry as I was, or at least I don't think I am. I

do hold nada responsible for what she did. I'm trying to reprogram my brain so

that when I feel hurt or sadness, I don't diminish it by saying it is nothing

compared to what nada went through as a kid. She spent a lot of time getting

into my head and making me feel sorry for her and in turn making it so she was

not responsible for what she did. That's a lot to undo.

Abby

> > >

> > > Every time I start to think about and work through a few of the more

painful memories/issues, the first thing that comes to mind is nada and what she

went through as a child. The self-talk starts and I downplay what happened to me

because it was not as bad as the horrible experiences that happened to nada as a

child, none of which I should know, btw. This is driving me nuts! It's a mental

block I can't move or go around. It's one of the things I'm struggling with now.

I've been reading different books that have been recommended to me and I can't

seem to see myself or self-identify with what I'm reading. Instead, I see nada!

I see her pain and her hurt and I identify with hers, not mine.

> > >

> > > Abby

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Abby,

Yes it is. I am going through the same thing. I am having trouble getting on

with my life sometimes even though I'm NC. I second guess myself; and then I

have to keep thinking of others' support such as my friends, the priest at my

church, my counselor, and this support group here. It has undone much of it; but

I think I still have a ways to go. My main thing is having trouble defending

myself when necessary without feeling guilty. I'm thinking about taking an

assertiveness training course.

Baby steps.

-Joy

> > > >

> > > > Every time I start to think about and work through a few of the more

painful memories/issues, the first thing that comes to mind is nada and what she

went through as a child. The self-talk starts and I downplay what happened to me

because it was not as bad as the horrible experiences that happened to nada as a

child, none of which I should know, btw. This is driving me nuts! It's a mental

block I can't move or go around. It's one of the things I'm struggling with now.

I've been reading different books that have been recommended to me and I can't

seem to see myself or self-identify with what I'm reading. Instead, I see nada!

I see her pain and her hurt and I identify with hers, not mine.

> > > >

> > > > Abby

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My main thing is having trouble defending myself when necessary without feeling

guilty.

_________________________

I so get this! My ex has stopped paying child support for my dtr while she is in

residential for treatment of major depressive disorder and bpd. He sent an email

last fall telling me he was too far in debt from the incurred costs of her care

and couldn't pay the whopping $245/month anymore. But guess what ... ***I*** am

the one paying for her care, in excess of $150K so far! Before she left home, I

paid 50% of everything even though I am mandated by our divorce decree to pay

less than 20%. (She's my daughter; of course I'd do ANYTHING for her.) I am the

one who found her all the care she's had; when I asked him to help me he said he

didn't have the time. I am the one who buys her plane tickets for home passes,

pays all her medical care, keeps a $1500.00 trust account at residential current

for her, etc. So when he bought a 3rd vehicle this week (a used Jeep Grand

Cherokee) to go along with his pickup truck and his Harley, and when my dtr came

home and told me he and his girlfriend are planning a trip to Mexico, I went

into a downward spiral. Ridiculous!!!!! Why do I feel so powerless when he is so

obviously being such an @ss?!?!?

Not only is he SOOOO wrong here, he is violating a court order to pay child

support. I didn't want to pay $5K+ to an attorney to collect a measly $2K, but I

learned just yesterday of an arm of the state govt that will help me collect,

even garnish his wages if needed. So the question is, why did I wait for 9

months and just take this crazy behavior of his??? Because that's what I know,

it's how I was raised, it's what I'm 'supposed' to do ... suck it up and just

take it. Enough! I have written him a letter demanding back payment and that all

payments be kept current or I will take action against him. I know he will end

up being the victim in all of this and I will be the bad guy, but oh well. Still

Joy, just like you said, " My main thing is having trouble defending myself when

necessary without feeling guilty. " aaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that so much!!! But it's true. It makes for intense emotional turmoil for

me when I in fact have done nothing wrong, except let him get away with this for

so long. I do not trust him at all to keep the kids out of it, so that is

another reason for my hesitation, but in my letter to him I told him that I am

fully prepared to tell our 3 kids why I feel it's necessary for me to take

action if he refuses to pay up. Still, how I hate these feelings it creates in

me. Why do I feel guilty for defending myself against such a despicable little

man? Because I was so primed for false guilt by my BPD dad that of course I

married a nut job like this boob. He is extremely passive aggressive, and I

don't know why he still scares me so much. He left nearly 13 years ago, and I

still let this get to me. My hope is that as I progress thru therapy, my spine

grows stronger ... my stomach too, and my skin should be getting thicker. I

think it's finally starting to happen, and I hope my stomach ache goes away

soon.

Thanks for letting me vent. Phew!

[Guest guest]

Get him !

go after what IS LEGALLY, AND RIGHTFULLY YOURS.

you ARE stronger than you were and GETTING STRONGE3R STILL.

Im sorry you have to deal with that 'man' especially when it effects your

cvhildren...

but i think you are makling a big step forward...

standing up for you and what is right....

((((((((((( monica )))))))))))

Subject: Re: messed up thinking2

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, May 30, 2009, 12:17 AM

My main thing is having trouble defending myself when necessary without feeling

guilty.

____________ _________ ____

I so get this! My ex has stopped paying child support for my dtr while she is in

residential for treatment of major depressive disorder and bpd. He sent an email

last fall telling me he was too far in debt from the incurred costs of her care

and couldn't pay the whopping $245/month anymore. But guess what ... ***I*** am

the one paying for her care, in excess of $150K so far! Before she left home, I

paid 50% of everything even though I am mandated by our divorce decree to pay

less than 20%. (She's my daughter; of course I'd do ANYTHING for her.) I am the

one who found her all the care she's had; when I asked him to help me he said he

didn't have the time. I am the one who buys her plane tickets for home passes,

pays all her medical care, keeps a $1500.00 trust account at residential current

for her, etc. So when he bought a 3rd vehicle this week (a used Jeep Grand

Cherokee) to go along with his pickup truck and his Harley, and when my dtr came

home and

told me he and his girlfriend are planning a trip to Mexico, I went into a

downward spiral. Ridiculous!! !!! Why do I feel so powerless when he is so

obviously being such an @ss?!?!?

Not only is he SOOOO wrong here, he is violating a court order to pay child

support. I didn't want to pay $5K+ to an attorney to collect a measly $2K, but I

learned just yesterday of an arm of the state govt that will help me collect,

even garnish his wages if needed. So the question is, why did I wait for 9

months and just take this crazy behavior of his??? Because that's what I know,

it's how I was raised, it's what I'm 'supposed' to do ... suck it up and just

take it. Enough! I have written him a letter demanding back payment and that all

payments be kept current or I will take action against him. I know he will end

up being the victim in all of this and I will be the bad guy, but oh well. Still

Joy, just like you said, " My main thing is having trouble defending myself when

necessary without feeling guilty. " aaarrrrggghhhhhh! !!!!!!!!! !!!!

I hate that so much!!! But it's true. It makes for intense emotional turmoil for

me when I in fact have done nothing wrong, except let him get away with this for

so long. I do not trust him at all to keep the kids out of it, so that is

another reason for my hesitation, but in my letter to him I told him that I am

fully prepared to tell our 3 kids why I feel it's necessary for me to take

action if he refuses to pay up. Still, how I hate these feelings it creates in

me. Why do I feel guilty for defending myself against such a despicable little

man? Because I was so primed for false guilt by my BPD dad that of course I

married a nut job like this boob. He is extremely passive aggressive, and I

don't know why he still scares me so much. He left nearly 13 years ago, and I

still let this get to me. My hope is that as I progress thru therapy, my spine

grows stronger ... my stomach too, and my skin should be getting thicker. I

think it's finally starting to

happen, and I hope my stomach ache goes away soon.

Thanks for letting me vent. Phew!

[Guest guest]

Thank you Steve. I also have to realize what kind of legacy I leave to my

children if I don't take action when it is right and necessary to do so. I

appreciate your cheer, and I needed the hug!

= )

>

> Get him !

> go after what IS LEGALLY, AND RIGHTFULLY YOURS.

> you ARE stronger than you were and GETTING STRONGE3R STILL.

> Im sorry you have to deal with that 'man' especially when it effects your

cvhildren...

> but i think you are makling a big step forward...

> standing up for you and what is right....

> ((((((((((( monica )))))))))))

[Guest guest]

You're very welcomed.

I know its not easy'''

and I know we all have our own UNIQUE mountains to climb...

But you're strong...I can see that in your replies and Cheers for all the others

here.

...

I also whole heartedly agree with the example you need to show - THATS the

difference between US and our nadas / fadas......

We have Empathy !

We are able to place ourselves in someone elses shoes....and can thereby access

whether or not our behavior or choices would have a positive or negative effect

on those we care about....ESPECIALLY CHILDREN.....who look up to parents and

subconiously mimc our behaviors as a model when they reach adulthood..

now, sad thing for me....That subconscience thing(s) I picked up from my

father...I need to identfy...and stomp it out of me like im stomoping on a bug

!! (I dont wanna be like my fada...and there were times I SAW the traits -

YIKES)

whats worse, I subconsciously nned to go and find my Nada in my relationships...

man O man.......CONSCIOUSLY theres nothing I want LESS than to find somwonw like

my nada.........But thats what exactly happened 8 years ago......and

thisindividual Stole my SOUL and left me psychologically bleeding to

death.........

 

The good news - it was a wake up call. I just hope I get another chance at life.

A life of Independence... and a Life MILES AWAY FROM HERE !

 

p.s. Ive got plenty of hugs if ya need 'em.

 

S

Subject: Re: messed up thinking2

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, May 30, 2009, 2:10 AM

Thank you Steve. I also have to realize what kind of legacy I leave to my

children if I don't take action when it is right and necessary to do so. I

appreciate your cheer, and I needed the hug!

= )

>

> Get him !

> go after what IS LEGALLY, AND RIGHTFULLY YOURS.

> you ARE stronger than you were and GETTING STRONGE3R STILL.

> Im sorry you have to deal with that 'man' especially when it effects your

cvhildren...

> but i think you are makling a big step forward...

> standing up for you and what is right....

> ((((((((((( monica )))))))))))

[Guest guest]

stole my soul...I like that phrase. I think it sums things up very well.

> >

> > Get him !

> > go after what IS LEGALLY, AND RIGHTFULLY YOURS.

> > you ARE stronger than you were and GETTING STRONGE3R STILL.

> > Im sorry you have to deal with that 'man' especially when it effects your

cvhildren...

> > but i think you are makling a big step forward...

> > standing up for you and what is right....

> > ((((((((((( monica )))))))))))

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>