Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? Many moons ago when I used to get so caught up on how the person with BPD in my life felt, a big portion of my pain was worrying about their feelings. But another aspect that caused me distress was worrying what other people would think. (The other people in the BP's life.) I worry partly because of the smear/hate campaigns, which cause me a great deal of stress. But why can't I just let it roll off me? I don't know why it matters so much. I'm not sure if I'm wording this right. I've actually made some really bad decisions (for example, when I dated someone with BPD a long time ago, staying with that person longer because I dreaded being put on the " permanently hated " list. I worried what he would tell our mutual friends, etc. With my current-day trigger, I have long since learned that there is no point whatsoever in me trying to get back in the BP's favor. So I'm done agonizing over that. But it still REALLY stresses me out how I'm perceived by other nonBPs as a result of the smear campaign. _________________________________________________________________ Hotmail® has a new way to see what's up with your friends. http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/WhatsNew?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_W\ hatsNew1_052009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 Anony, I use to worry a lot about what other people thought. For one reason was I spent my entire life being harshly judged by nada and it was just devastating to think others would do the same...so I'd try to avoid it at all costs. On a deeper level, I see now that I kept looking outward for approval because I was unable to give it to myself. Now that I've learned to love myself and accept myself to a greater degree than ever before, what others think of me does not matter so much. I had a wise mentor tell me once that " What other people think of me is none of my business. " Another time she said " You can be the sweetest ripest juiciest plum ever created, but some people just don't like plums...and that's ok. " 2 > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > Many moons ago when I used to get so caught up on how the person with BPD in my life felt, a big portion of my pain was worrying about their feelings. But another aspect that caused me distress was worrying what other people would think. (The other people in the BP's life.) I worry partly because of the smear/hate campaigns, which cause me a great deal of stress. But why can't I just let it roll off me? I don't know why it matters so much. > > I'm not sure if I'm wording this right. I've actually made some really bad decisions (for example, when I dated someone with BPD a long time ago, staying with that person longer because I dreaded being put on the " permanently hated " list. I worried what he would tell our mutual friends, etc. With my current-day trigger, I have long since learned that there is no point whatsoever in me trying to get back in the BP's favor. So I'm done agonizing over that. But it still REALLY stresses me out how I'm perceived by other nonBPs as a result of the smear campaign. > > _________________________________________________________________ > Hotmail® has a new way to see what's up with your friends. > http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/WhatsNew?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_W\ hatsNew1_052009 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. Abby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 I think both and Ashana worded it very well. I think what I am believing (as I continue to flesh it all out in my own mind, so pls bear with me) is that my identity was always derived from others ... I was not *allowed* to develop an identity for myself. Whatever I did was wrong and unacceptable and inadequate, so of course my worth had to come from elsewhere ~ it did not exist within me! Thus, if someone thinks poorly of me, guess what - I have to think poorly of me also. There is no built in 'security system' against that. It was not ever allowed or encouraged to develop. I existed for the purpose/service of others; that defined me. I do not have any innate value, I cannot exist based on my own merit, I must win approval from others to have any worth whatsoever. If they dislike me, I am unworthy. And that's a terrifying prospect. So of couse I care what they think about me, because I don't want to cease to be, which is what will basically happen if I don't have their approval. Does that make any sense at all??? (Sorry, my brain has been so foggy this month...) Just delete me and keep going if it sounds as wacky as I feel right now. (I'm in the midst of adjusting meds... : /) > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > Abby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 I think both and Ashana worded it very well. I think what I am believing (as I continue to flesh it all out in my own mind, so pls bear with me) is that my identity was always derived from others ... I was not *allowed* to develop an identity for myself. Whatever I did was wrong and unacceptable and inadequate, so of course my worth had to come from elsewhere ~ it did not exist within me! Thus, if someone thinks poorly of me, guess what - I have to think poorly of me also. There is no built in 'security system' against that. It was not ever allowed or encouraged to develop. I existed for the purpose/service of others; that defined me. I do not have any innate value, I cannot exist based on my own merit, I must win approval from others to have any worth whatsoever. If they dislike me, I am unworthy. And that's a terrifying prospect. So of couse I care what they think about me, because I don't want to cease to be, which is what will basically happen if I don't have their approval. Does that make any sense at all??? (Sorry, my brain has been so foggy this month...) Just delete me and keep going if it sounds as wacky as I feel right now. (I'm in the midst of adjusting meds... : /) > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > Abby > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 I think you may have hit on something with the " prelude to disaster " part. Maybe that's playing a big role too, since my mother's twisting of events often led to outbursts by my father, and/or disapproval from her " flying monkeys. " (I forget who to give credit to for that term, but I love it!) :-D I should probably clarify something too... I don't care what people think in terms of certain types of things (like the fact that I'm not a fashionista and that I like wearing comfortable clothes, etc.), but it drives me a special kind of crazy when I feel like I'm misunderstood based on someone's distortions of facts. If anyone wants to say anything bad that's true about me, I'm fine. But if facts get distorted and people perceive the situation inaccurately, it is maddening for me. I can agonize over it in my head over and over, whereas I think normal/healthy people let it roll off and don't care. I don't even like seeing this happen in movies/books... when an innocent person is falsely accused and/or misunderstood. Thanks, ~Saturday (I figured I might as well give myself a 'name' that's easier to type than Anonymous.) To: WTOAdultChildren1 From: ashanamax@... Date: Sat, 30 May 2009 12:00:39 -0700 Subject: Re: What Will People Think? " ...so that sometimes I have gotten no information about myself from others at all--whether negative or positive. I think it's a different way of dealing with the same problem, which is a vulnerability to the images of oneself that others have... " " ...For me, there is another layer to this and maybe there is another layer for others, as well, and that is that being seen inaccurately was prelude to disaster when I was a kid. It meant my nada was crossing the line from relative normalcy to a bpd dysregulated tantrum and was going to be irrational and abusive in about 2 seconds... " Take care, Ashana Explore and discover exciting holidays and getaways with Yahoo! India Travel http://in.travel.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 Yes-- all of the replies from everyone make perfect sense-- thanks. It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way (although I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone). Any/all insights are greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone, ~Saturday To: WTOAdultChildren1 From: monicaanne63@... Date: Sat, 30 May 2009 21:08:23 +0000 Subject: Re: What Will People Think? " ...Does that make any sense at all??? (Sorry, my brain has been so foggy this month...)... " > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > Abby > _________________________________________________________________ Hotmail® has a new way to see what's up with your friends. http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/WhatsNew?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_W\ hatsNew1_052009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 , This does make sense, lots of sense. If we've been raised by a BPD parent who views and treats us as a need-meeting-object, then we are going to internalize a sense of self and self worth based on how well we are meeting other people's needs! When I worry about what other people think of me, I'm basically worrying about whether or not I'm meeting their needs/measuring up to their expectations. Since I was trained to focus on meeting nada's needs/expectations, that's my template for relationships. I've always struggled with this issue, and had very little understanding of why I thought/felt this way. Your post, and the other posts you mentioned, illustrated the why of this issue in a profound way. Thank you! Kate > > I think both and Ashana worded it very well. I think what I am believing (as I continue to flesh it all out in my own mind, so pls bear with me) is that my identity was always derived from others ... I was not *allowed* to develop an identity for myself. Whatever I did was wrong and unacceptable and inadequate, so of course my worth had to come from elsewhere ~ it did not exist within me! Thus, if someone thinks poorly of me, guess what - I have to think poorly of me also. There is no built in 'security system' against that. It was not ever allowed or encouraged to develop. I existed for the purpose/service of others; that defined me. I do not have any innate value, I cannot exist based on my own merit, I must win approval from others to have any worth whatsoever. If they dislike me, I am unworthy. And that's a terrifying prospect. So of couse I care what they think about me, because I don't want to cease to be, which is what will basically happen if I don't have their approval. Does that make any sense at all??? (Sorry, my brain has been so foggy this month...) Just delete me and keep going if it sounds as wacky as I feel right now. (I'm in the midst of adjusting meds... : /) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > > > Abby > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 I constantly worry about what other people will think. I hate that about myself. > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > Many moons ago when I used to get so caught up on how the person with BPD in my life felt, a big portion of my pain was worrying about their feelings. But another aspect that caused me distress was worrying what other people would think. (The other people in the BP's life.) I worry partly because of the smear/hate campaigns, which cause me a great deal of stress. But why can't I just let it roll off me? I don't know why it matters so much. > > I'm not sure if I'm wording this right. I've actually made some really bad decisions (for example, when I dated someone with BPD a long time ago, staying with that person longer because I dreaded being put on the " permanently hated " list. I worried what he would tell our mutual friends, etc. With my current-day trigger, I have long since learned that there is no point whatsoever in me trying to get back in the BP's favor. So I'm done agonizing over that. But it still REALLY stresses me out how I'm perceived by other nonBPs as a result of the smear campaign. > > _________________________________________________________________ > Hotmail® has a new way to see what's up with your friends. > http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/WhatsNew?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_W\ hatsNew1_052009 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Hi Anonymous, I feel the same way about the smear campaigns. I think that it is normal. Everyone hates being gossiped about. Perhaps us KO's just take it a bit harder. I went NC with my Nada 4 mo. ago (changed number, blocked her emails). No one approves. I wrote my Nada a letter so she wouldn't be completely in the dark. It was very precise and too the point I thought; but when I re-read it, I got paranoid. I noticed some of the points I laid out towards the end of the letter sounded angry and spiteful. And the information I put in the letter will surely be used to fuel a distortion campaign by nada. I keep thinking about it. Orginally, I didn't care and it felt great...but it seems I'm reverting back and worrying about it too much. I guess I will have to be patient with myself. On our paths, we will take some steps forward and some steps backward. -Joy > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > Many moons ago when I used to get so caught up on how the person with BPD in my life felt, a big portion of my pain was worrying about their feelings. But another aspect that caused me distress was worrying what other people would think. (The other people in the BP's life.) I worry partly because of the smear/hate campaigns, which cause me a great deal of stress. But why can't I just let it roll off me? I don't know why it matters so much. > > > > I'm not sure if I'm wording this right. I've actually made some really bad decisions (for example, when I dated someone with BPD a long time ago, staying with that person longer because I dreaded being put on the " permanently hated " list. I worried what he would tell our mutual friends, etc. With my current-day trigger, I have long since learned that there is no point whatsoever in me trying to get back in the BP's favor. So I'm done agonizing over that. But it still REALLY stresses me out how I'm perceived by other nonBPs as a result of the smear campaign. > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > > Hotmail® has a new way to see what's up with your friends. > > http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/WhatsNew?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_W\ hatsNew1_052009 > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Hi , Yes; I know what you mean about feeling like you exist for the service/purpose of others. I felt like that a lot with my FOO, too. Nada would get angry if I socialized too much or relaxed too much. She seemed threatened by it. It is hard to undo this mindset that was ingrained in our younger KO minds I think. I still feel that way; esp. when I disagree with someone. -Joy > > > > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > > > Abby > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 , Your head might feel confused, but your expressions are very sane. 2 > > > > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > > > Abby > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 My entire childhood was based upon " what other people would think... " My husband and I are on vacation (out-of-state) visiting my nada's relatives that I have not seen in 25 years. None of them ever made the trip to visit us in our home. That's because when we visited them, my parents controlled the whole household. They insisted on certain times for meals, absolute quiet for their comfort, what we ate, room temperature, on and on. I made a statement to my aunt yesterday about our plans for today, she replied " whatever... is fine " . I laughed and said " no way, you could be related to my mother!! My nada has a exaggerated sense of self-consciousness. She thinks everyone cares what she wears, etc. She mades demeaning comments about how everyone else looks. Her relatives have no idea why she turned out like she did. The only clue is that her oldest brother was described as a mean bully. Yet, my nada worshiped the ground he walked on. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > > > > > > > > > > > I'd like to know too. I struggle with this too. > > > > > > Abby > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 I think it's natural to want " the world " to think well of you. Otherwise, why would we bother to pick up our litter, vacuum when company's coming, or mow our yards? Sure, we're supposed to have an internal compass that tells us right from wrong, but community approval or disdain plays into that. The Amish practice of " shunning " is a prime example of the power of community disapproval. I joke that my Mom has told " Poor Neglected Nada " stories to everybody in her tiny home town, so there's a whole rural county that thinks I'm the devil. I probably have my picture up in the post office - " World's Worst Daughter. " It is kind of uncomfortable to be around her life-long friends (who should know better - she manipulates them, too) - because I always wonder what she's told them. When Nada dies, her memorial service is going to be VERY weird. - > > > I've noticed something about myself and see posts where other KOs worry about how they look to others (for going NC with their nadas, etc.). I'm trying to understand why I care so much about what other people think. There are some obvious reasons, but it has caused me so much stress, that I think there must be more to it. Any thoughts? > > Many moons ago when I used to get so caught up on how the person with BPD in my life felt, a big portion of my pain was worrying about their feelings. But another aspect that caused me distress was worrying what other people would think. (The other people in the BP's life.) I worry partly because of the smear/hate campaigns, which cause me a great deal of stress. But why can't I just let it roll off me? I don't know why it matters so much. > > I'm not sure if I'm wording this right. I've actually made some really bad decisions (for example, when I dated someone with BPD a long time ago, staying with that person longer because I dreaded being put on the " permanently hated " list. I worried what he would tell our mutual friends, etc. With my current-day trigger, I have long since learned that there is no point whatsoever in me trying to get back in the BP's favor. So I'm done agonizing over that. But it still REALLY stresses me out how I'm perceived by other nonBPs as a result of the smear campaign. > > _________________________________________________________________ > Hotmail® has a new way to see what's up with your friends. > http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/WhatsNew?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_W\ hatsNew1_052009 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 ha! Thanks - today I am also in a Nyquil fog, so it's just one fun thing after another!!! ; ) Thanks for your kind words, > > , > > Your head might feel confused, but your expressions are very sane. > > 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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