Guest guest Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 You are doing good, hard work, friend. I give you applause and respect. Take good care of yourself. Sincerely, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Thanks ...I wish it wasn't necessary. 2 > > You are doing good, hard work, friend. I give you applause and respect. Take good care of yourself. > > Sincerely, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > 2 > good for you karen! I know it hurts now but it will be worth it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Well today, the day after my counseling appt I sat and reread my 10 pages of things and allowed lots of tears to flow. I guess I'm starting to grieve over the way my parents have treated me my entire life. I guess that's a good sign, the healing process has begun. But I know there's a lot more ground to cover. As I read, I also took notes of what my fears are so I can have the counselor help me with them next week. Here they are: Fear of ongoing endless criticism, disapproval, condescending attitudes and negativity at every opportunity Fear of public humiliation Fear of feeling trapped Fear of shutting down during verbal and emotional abuse like a deer in the headlights Fear that my mother will turn my children against me with info I've given her Fear of false accusations Fear of being told I'm ungrateful or have taken advantage of them because when they have given there were strings attached and I never played according to their rules. Have any of you successfully overcome these fears? How? 2 > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > 2 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Crying is good, ! Grieving is VERY necessary. I give you two big thumbs up for the FANTASTIC list and the courage you are showing. I will not offer 'solutions' as I am still very much in process myself and certainly no therapist, but ~ Woo hoo for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sincerely, > > Well today, the day after my counseling appt I sat and reread my 10 pages of things and allowed lots of tears to flow. I guess I'm starting to grieve over the way my parents have treated me my entire life. I guess that's a good sign, the healing process has begun. But I know there's a lot more ground to cover. > > As I read, I also took notes of what my fears are so I can have the counselor help me with them next week. > > Here they are: > > Fear of ongoing endless criticism, disapproval, condescending attitudes and negativity at every opportunity > > Fear of public humiliation > > Fear of feeling trapped > > Fear of shutting down during verbal and emotional abuse like a deer in the headlights > > Fear that my mother will turn my children against me with info I've given her > > Fear of false accusations > > Fear of being told I'm ungrateful or have taken advantage of them because when they have given there were strings attached and I never played according to their rules. > > > Have any of you successfully overcome these fears? How? > > > 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hi 2 !! I'm just getting back to the lists again. My dog ( the one with bone cancer) died last week and it's really been tough...as for your questions.. >Fear of ongoing endless criticism, disapproval, condescending attitudes and >negativity at every >opportunity this is HER problem, not mine...if she's unhappy with what I'm doing, she can stuff a sock in it, as long as I and hybby are happy, thats all that matters..of course I don't LIKE to have these things hurled at me, but I'm no longer afraid because 1) I KNOW she's going to do it and 2) who the * & & ^% does she think she is to judge me any how ? it's just her opinion, and she's wrong :-) >Fear of public humiliation this one I still have a little bit...the times she's done this, when I've looked back at what was done/said, SHE'S the one who looked bad, not me...so my fear is lessened because others will wonder whats wrong with HER >Fear of feeling trapped I used to have this...no longer..she can't " do " anything to me any more..she cant hit me, because if she does, I'll smack her back, and since she's a decrepid old almost 85 year old and I'm a weight lifting 50 year old..I'd say *I* actually have the upper hand now !! >Fear of shutting down during verbal and emotional abuse like a deer in the >headlights I have been working on this.. and with the phone, I would just hand up, but if I'm in a room with them and it happens, I would hope my scenarios that I've gone over in my head would be there to help me out.. >Fear that my mother will turn my children against me with info I've given >her I only have step kids, so this isn't a problem >Fear of false accusations I used to fear this..and I wonder what she's told my aunts uncles, cousins..but then I thought, 1) if they really wondered, they could ask me and 2) if they're ready to take her word for it, and everyone knows theres always at least two sides to everything..then they really aren't the people I thought they were and I'm better without them >Fear of being told I'm ungrateful or have taken advantage of them because >when they have given there >were strings attached and I never played >according to their rules. I got this all the time..and I turned it around to make THEM the ungrateful ones who took advantage of me ( two can play that game !!) I have droped everything and gone up there, 400+ miles away when nada had surgery, when fada had surgery, when nada had chemo, when they needed help with the house ( hubby and I painted their house for them 2 times) we took them a load of firewood...so, who's the ungrateful ones ?? Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 I'm going to respond in all caps to your posting (not yelling at you but there is no pretty " blue or red " I can use...) > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. MY THERAPIST HAD ME DO THIS TO GET A RECORD OF REAL VS CRAZY WHEN I START TO THINK IT'S JUST ME. NOW IT PROVIDES ME ENDLESS AMUSEMENT... > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > I'M THERE. YOU CAN BE TOO! > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > I CHOOSE LC VS NC FOR NOW. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THE FUTURE. BUT AMEN ON THE EYE-TWITCHNG. A GOOD FRIEND'S NADA IS ALSO BPD AND WE USE EYE-TWITCH AS A CODE FOR 'MOMMY BIZARRO IS ACTING UP AGAIN'. > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > REMEMBER, BOUNDARIES ARE FOR YOUR PEACE OF MIND - THEY WON'T EVER SEE THAT THEY'RE OBLIGATED TO RESPECT THEM. YOU JUST DECIDE WHERE TO BUILD YOUR FENCES AND KEEP THEM REINFORCED ON YOUR SIDE BUT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY'LL STILL LAUNCH ITEMS AT YOUR FENCE. > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > MAKE YOURSELF STAND UP FOR YOUR REALITIES WITH NADA. IT'S HARD, IT'S PAINFUL AND I THREW UP ON A REGULAR BASIS WHEN I FIRST DID THIS (SUCH AS WHEN I TOLD HER WHY HER DR'S HAD REFERRED ME TO A THERAPIST...) BUT, AS TIME GOES BY AND YOU REMAIN TRUE TO YOURSELF, IT DOES GET EASIER. I'M NOT DELIBERATELY MEAN TO NADA AT ALL, BUT I WON'T DRINK HER EMOTIONAL KOOL-AID ANYMORE. > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > NOPE. NOT AT ALL. MY BIG FEAR WAS BECOMING HOOKED (PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY) ON A BANDAID. > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > FORGET THE OTHER PASTURES... THEY'RE ALL FULL OF COWPIES IN NADA'S AREAS... CHANGE EMOTIONAL TIME ZONES/HABITATS/ HEMISPHERES/ CONTINENTS... IT CAN BE DONE!! LYNNETTE > 2 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about your dog. Get another one, it helps! Everything you said below is exactly how I am feeling, just couldn't put into words. Thank you! Shanon > > Hi 2 !! > > I'm just getting back to the lists again. My dog ( the one with bone > cancer) died last week and it's really been tough...as for your questions.. > > >Fear of ongoing endless criticism, disapproval, condescending attitudes and > >negativity at every >opportunity > > this is HER problem, not mine...if she's unhappy with what I'm doing, she > can stuff a sock in it, as long as I and hybby are happy, thats all that > matters..of course I don't LIKE to have these things hurled at me, but I'm > no longer afraid because 1) I KNOW she's going to do it and 2) who the > * & & ^% does she think she is to judge me any how ? it's just her opinion, > and she's wrong :-) > > >Fear of public humiliation > > this one I still have a little bit...the times she's done this, when I've > looked back at what was done/said, SHE'S the one who looked bad, not me...so > my fear is lessened because others will wonder whats wrong with HER > > >Fear of feeling trapped > > I used to have this...no longer..she can't " do " anything to me any more..she > cant hit me, because if she does, I'll smack her back, and since she's a > decrepid old almost 85 year old and I'm a weight lifting 50 year old..I'd > say *I* actually have the upper hand now !! > > >Fear of shutting down during verbal and emotional abuse like a deer in the > >headlights > > I have been working on this.. and with the phone, I would just hand up, but > if I'm in a room with them and it happens, I would hope my scenarios that > I've gone over in my head would be there to help me out.. > > >Fear that my mother will turn my children against me with info I've given > >her > > I only have step kids, so this isn't a problem > > >Fear of false accusations > > I used to fear this..and I wonder what she's told my aunts uncles, > cousins..but then I thought, 1) if they really wondered, they could ask me > and 2) if they're ready to take her word for it, and everyone knows theres > always at least two sides to everything..then they really aren't the people > I thought they were and I'm better without them > > >Fear of being told I'm ungrateful or have taken advantage of them because > >when they have given there >were strings attached and I never played > >according to their rules. > > I got this all the time..and I turned it around to make THEM the ungrateful > ones who took advantage of me ( two can play that game !!) I have droped > everything and gone up there, 400+ miles away when nada had surgery, when > fada had surgery, when nada had chemo, when they needed help with the house > ( hubby and I painted their house for them 2 times) we took them a load of > firewood...so, who's the ungrateful ones ?? > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Jackie, I'm very sorry for your loss. Thanks for coming back to us and for letting us know. Take care. Sincerely, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks for your replies Jackie. I'm so sorry you lost your dog. 2 > > Hi 2 !! > > I'm just getting back to the lists again. My dog ( the one with bone > cancer) died last week and it's really been tough...as for your questions.. > > >Fear of ongoing endless criticism, disapproval, condescending attitudes and > >negativity at every >opportunity > > this is HER problem, not mine...if she's unhappy with what I'm doing, she > can stuff a sock in it, as long as I and hybby are happy, thats all that > matters..of course I don't LIKE to have these things hurled at me, but I'm > no longer afraid because 1) I KNOW she's going to do it and 2) who the > * & & ^% does she think she is to judge me any how ? it's just her opinion, > and she's wrong :-) > > >Fear of public humiliation > > this one I still have a little bit...the times she's done this, when I've > looked back at what was done/said, SHE'S the one who looked bad, not me...so > my fear is lessened because others will wonder whats wrong with HER > > >Fear of feeling trapped > > I used to have this...no longer..she can't " do " anything to me any more..she > cant hit me, because if she does, I'll smack her back, and since she's a > decrepid old almost 85 year old and I'm a weight lifting 50 year old..I'd > say *I* actually have the upper hand now !! > > >Fear of shutting down during verbal and emotional abuse like a deer in the > >headlights > > I have been working on this.. and with the phone, I would just hand up, but > if I'm in a room with them and it happens, I would hope my scenarios that > I've gone over in my head would be there to help me out.. > > >Fear that my mother will turn my children against me with info I've given > >her > > I only have step kids, so this isn't a problem > > >Fear of false accusations > > I used to fear this..and I wonder what she's told my aunts uncles, > cousins..but then I thought, 1) if they really wondered, they could ask me > and 2) if they're ready to take her word for it, and everyone knows theres > always at least two sides to everything..then they really aren't the people > I thought they were and I'm better without them > > >Fear of being told I'm ungrateful or have taken advantage of them because > >when they have given there >were strings attached and I never played > >according to their rules. > > I got this all the time..and I turned it around to make THEM the ungrateful > ones who took advantage of me ( two can play that game !!) I have droped > everything and gone up there, 400+ miles away when nada had surgery, when > fada had surgery, when nada had chemo, when they needed help with the house > ( hubby and I painted their house for them 2 times) we took them a load of > firewood...so, who's the ungrateful ones ?? > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 With all the counselor did say, I was disappointed at what she did NOT say. She did not validate any of my feelings nor did she say wow, nada is bizarro and this is what's wrong with her. She asked me how long it took to write down all my things and I told her it took a few days, I wrote things down as they came to mind. When I asked her why, she said that my list was detailed and expressive. I think back on this today and am beginning to wonder if she doubted that I was telling her the truth. Part of me would like to ask her next visit if she actually BELIEVES me...because if not, I don't really see any point in continuing to see her. Has anyone else ever got this reaction from a therapist? Also, part of me thinks that I need to learn to validate MYSELF instead of looking for others to do it for me. But isn't that what a therapist should be doing? Confused. 2 > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > 2 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 thanks Shanon, I have her 1/2 brother...he's 6 now..but I plan on getting another one...he doesn't seem to be bothered that he's an only dog now..and he's getting ALL the attention..and I've been taking him to near by towns to walk in their parks ( we live in the country, and the bugs are just too bad to do any walking in warm weather) Jackie I'm sorry to hear about your dog. Get another one, it helps! Everything you said below is exactly how I am feeling, just couldn't put into words. Thank you! Shanon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Sometimes I wonder if this is what survivors of the Nazi holocaust must feel like when they hear moronic people claim that the holocaust never happened. We're in the same position: trying to explain to an incredulous world that yes, these horrible things *did* happen to me/us, and they were perpetrated by that adorable-looking little old lady over there. ( " Who, me? asks nada, " But I was a perfect mother! " ) If I ever do go back into therapy, I'm going to shop around for a psychologist who is experienced with treating trauma survivors, or the adult children of alcoholics, or adult survivors of incest, since there seem to be so few psychologists who have made a specialty of treating the adult survivors of " Cluster B " parenting. -Annie > > > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > > > 2 > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 thank you, needless to say, I did not tell the parents, since I know there would be no support there ! Jackie Jackie, I'm very sorry for your loss. Thanks for coming back to us and for letting us know. Take care. Sincerely, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 A therapist will not validate your feelings, she will validate your right to have those feelings. Unless you landed in her office (as I did from outside forces) I believe it will take her a bit to adjust to the written recording (they're only human afterall and prone to look at things from a distance to get a feel of what's true and what's not), hence the comment of " detailed and expressive. " I wouldn't go to the " does she believe me or not " stance just yet... assume she does... if you have solid indicator's otherwise... then ask... but for today, you spoke your truth and someone else heard/read it... that is enough for one person. You will learn to validate yourself but it's not going to be easy and it's not going to be quick. The first thing you must learn to do is still the internal stormy waters of self-doubt and stand firmly in your truths - you are the palmtree in the hurricane right now... they bend but they rarely uproot.. just bend to the newness of this and you'll survive. Lynnette > > > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > > > 2 > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hmmm, interesting insights and points Annie. Thx for sharing. > > Sometimes I wonder if this is what survivors of the Nazi holocaust must feel like when they hear moronic people claim that the holocaust never happened. > > We're in the same position: trying to explain to an incredulous world that yes, these horrible things *did* happen to me/us, and they were perpetrated by that adorable-looking little old lady over there. ( " Who, me? asks nada, " But I was a perfect mother! " ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Jackie, I'm sorry to hear about your dog. ( Abby > > Hi 2 !! > > I'm just getting back to the lists again. My dog ( the one with bone > cancer) died last week and it's really been tough...as for your questions.. > > >Fear of ongoing endless criticism, disapproval, condescending attitudes and > >negativity at every >opportunity > > this is HER problem, not mine...if she's unhappy with what I'm doing, she > can stuff a sock in it, as long as I and hybby are happy, thats all that > matters..of course I don't LIKE to have these things hurled at me, but I'm > no longer afraid because 1) I KNOW she's going to do it and 2) who the > * & & ^% does she think she is to judge me any how ? it's just her opinion, > and she's wrong :-) > > >Fear of public humiliation > > this one I still have a little bit...the times she's done this, when I've > looked back at what was done/said, SHE'S the one who looked bad, not me...so > my fear is lessened because others will wonder whats wrong with HER > > >Fear of feeling trapped > > I used to have this...no longer..she can't " do " anything to me any more..she > cant hit me, because if she does, I'll smack her back, and since she's a > decrepid old almost 85 year old and I'm a weight lifting 50 year old..I'd > say *I* actually have the upper hand now !! > > >Fear of shutting down during verbal and emotional abuse like a deer in the > >headlights > > I have been working on this.. and with the phone, I would just hand up, but > if I'm in a room with them and it happens, I would hope my scenarios that > I've gone over in my head would be there to help me out.. > > >Fear that my mother will turn my children against me with info I've given > >her > > I only have step kids, so this isn't a problem > > >Fear of false accusations > > I used to fear this..and I wonder what she's told my aunts uncles, > cousins..but then I thought, 1) if they really wondered, they could ask me > and 2) if they're ready to take her word for it, and everyone knows theres > always at least two sides to everything..then they really aren't the people > I thought they were and I'm better without them > > >Fear of being told I'm ungrateful or have taken advantage of them because > >when they have given there >were strings attached and I never played > >according to their rules. > > I got this all the time..and I turned it around to make THEM the ungrateful > ones who took advantage of me ( two can play that game !!) I have droped > everything and gone up there, 400+ miles away when nada had surgery, when > fada had surgery, when nada had chemo, when they needed help with the house > ( hubby and I painted their house for them 2 times) we took them a load of > firewood...so, who's the ungrateful ones ?? > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Not so sure I agree with the statement that a therapist will not validate your feelings. > > > > > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > > > > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > > > > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > > > > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > > > > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > > > > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > > > > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > > > > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > > > > > 2 > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 I agree with that. ) > > > > > > > > > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > > > > > > > > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > > > > > > > > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > > > > > > > > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > > > > > > > > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > > > > > > > > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > > > > > > > > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > > > > > > > > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > > > > > > > > > 2 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 How about if I put it this way: A therapist won't tell you if your feelings are right or wrong... she will, however, tell you that you have a right to feel what you do. Lynnette > > > > > > > > Today I saw my counselor and read to her 7 typed pages of nada's bizarro behaviors towards me thru the years and 3 typed pages of fada's. It was the first time I've ever shared all of the history with a professional and I wanted her to fully comprehend the big ugly picture. > > > > > > > > She told me afterwards that I have 2 choices...to continue carrying around the anger, in which case it will eat me alive; or to make peace with it and move forward...which was my full intention in the first place. She said no matter what has been said and done to me, I need to get to the place where I can say " they are who they are " and I should not take any of their offenses personally, as nada and fada had these behavior patterns locked into place long before I entered the world. Here's an interesting tidbit...She said anytime there is " Conditional Love " there is a personality disorder present. > > > > > > > > She recommended I go LC instead of NC, her thoughts are that if I were to go NC, I'd just have to deal with other messiness after they've passed away. I have no experience on this one way or the other, so I'm not passing any judgments here, I'm just repeating what was told to me. Personally, I think I'd prefer NC as it sounds much easier than having to deal with nada and fada even infrequently...not to mention that every time I even think about seeing them, my eye starts twitching involuntarily. > > > > > > > > I told counselor that ever since I set one simple little boundary, they've pouted and given me the cold shoulder. Fada talked to me once over the phone, to invite us to dinner but we already had plans. Nada has not called me in 2 months nor have I called her either. (Its been nice!) > > > > > > > > I expressed how I am very fearful of nada and don't know how to deal with her...that I become paralyzed with fear when she acts out. She said we'll start to explore my fears and take them to the worst case scenario to see them for that they are and figure out how to deal with them. > > > > > > > > I asked if she thought EMDR would help me, as my cousin has that done. She said she has a man in their practice who does EFT? and hypnosis. EFT is something he does with accupuncture. Anyone ever have any experience trying to minimize your nada reactions using EFT or hypnosis? > > > > > > > > She also agreed when I said my bpd dil pushes all my nada buttons, which is why I've had such overwhelming anxiety about being around dil too. > > > > > > > > I sure hope there are greener pastures on the other side of the fence...this side is barren and rancid. > > > > > > > > 2 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 thanks ..unfortunately it's the price we pay for the love they give and just remember, your nada cannot hurt you unless you allow her to...if she does something to you, don't take it personally, just say to yourself, " What's that crazy woman babbling about now ?? " I know it's easier said than done...but once you stop letting her hurt you, you will see how absurd most of your life has been with nada...take a step backwards, you sometimes can see so much better once you do Jackie Thanks for your replies Jackie. I'm so sorry you lost your dog. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks, I'll try to keep that in mind. 2 > > thanks ..unfortunately it's the price we pay for the love they give > > and just remember, your nada cannot hurt you unless you allow her to...if > she does something to you, don't take it personally, just say to yourself, > " What's that crazy woman babbling about now ?? " I know it's easier said > than done...but once you stop letting her hurt you, you will see how absurd > most of your life has been with nada...take a step backwards, you sometimes > can see so much better once you do > > Jackie > > > Thanks for your replies Jackie. I'm so sorry you lost your dog. > > 2 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 That struck me too, and I wondered if you didn't mention it because it didn't stand out to you or if she hadn't said anything. I do think it's weird. When I told my therapist a few weeks ago about a few incidents from my childhood, she was angry on my behalf. It confused me because I wasn't angry and she didn't tell me she was angry directly--she just talked about how it was wrong--but it seems to me a human response. Not to relate at some kind of feeling level seems weird.  I think you should say something. Either about not validating you or what she thinks. I wonder if she thinks you are somehow just storing up grievances.  I think you should get emotional validation from your therapist. They don't have to agree with your perception of reality, but they should be compassionate toward how you feel. I think that's part of what you pay them for. You see one because, in part, you need that. If you didn't need to look to others for validation, you might not feel you needed a therapist anymore.  Just my thoughts, Ashana Explore and discover exciting holidays and getaways with Yahoo! India Travel http://in.travel.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 hm...my therapist did...after I showed her the bizarre valentinesday card to my therapist, which had someone else's name on it " Dear Pat " which nada put a line through then just put " Jackie " , no dear , then the end she put " love Ray and Audrey " when she put a line through and put " mom and dad " again, no love...and nadas note saying she was going to send the card to my cousin, but then realized it said and son in law, and since I was the only one married, I was the only one she could send it to....along with all the other weird stuff nada has done to me....my therapist said she totally understands why I feel the way I do, and that she agrees, nada is BPD, then she added probably NP and a mean bully as well. My therapist is a dr too ( psychologist)...my therapist specializes in personality disorders... Jackie With all the counselor did say, I was disappointed at what she did NOT say. She did not validate any of my feelings nor did she say wow, nada is bizarro and this is what's wrong with her. She asked me how long it took to write down all my things and I told her it took a few days, I wrote things down as they came to mind. When I asked her why, she said that my list was detailed and expressive. I think back on this today and am beginning to wonder if she doubted that I was telling her the truth. Part of me would like to ask her next visit if she actually BELIEVES me...because if not, I don't really see any point in continuing to see her. Has anyone else ever got this reaction from a therapist? Also, part of me thinks that I need to learn to validate MYSELF instead of looking for others to do it for me. But isn't that what a therapist should be doing? Confused. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 thanks...it's so hard, I get so attached to them Jackie Jackie, I'm sorry to hear about your dog. ( Abby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.