Guest guest Posted October 28, 1999 Report Share Posted October 28, 1999 > shipping was $7.00 > for > UPS ground and no USPS. WOW!!! Even with a remote location $1.00 surcharge AND shipping to zone 8 that price is MONGO high...look at around $6.37 with the price of a box included and a remote location $1.00 surcharge...Geesh Take care Lydia Audrey McFadden wrote: > > > > I am looking for a oatmeal, milk, and honey fragrance or a milk and honey > fragrance, my question is-----who has the best? I found some, was going to > get a 1/2 oz of it and 1/2 oz. of baby powder but the shipping was $7.00 for > UPS ground and no USPS. Seemed way too expensive for shipping----for only > 1-oz plus the bottles. So I figured I would ask my favorite people for > opinions before I bought. Please help!!!!!!!! > Audrey McFadden > SCENTATIONS > > http://www.scentations.net > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2009 Report Share Posted June 13, 2009 , It sounds like splitting. First, you were the long-lost daughter he loved and cherished and accepted. Then, you were bad and destroying your children. I would wonder if your father doesn't have a pd as well. It's not unheard of. I'm so sorry, Ashana Bollywood news, movie reviews, film trailers and more! Go to http://in.movies.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2009 Report Share Posted June 13, 2009 >Please let me know what you think I should do about my dad and if you > ever doubt your nada's illness (for those whose nada's haven't been > professionaly diagnosed). , I'm really sorry to hear this has happened to you when things seemed to be going so well with your father, it must be restimulating many old wounds. My nada has never been officially diagnosed, at least to my knowledge, but after reading about bpd I feel the shoe fits her to a T. The fact that I seem to relate to so many stories in this group also reinforces that my nada is bpd. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...its probably a duck. But my counselor isn't quick to want to put labels on them w/o further investigation into their lives. However, she told me to read " Children of the Self-Absorbed " which deals with parents who have destructive narcissism and yesterday she told me that my parents are both severely and profoundly emotionally retarded. I can live with that! So my point to you is this...call it whatever you want - it all points to having parents who are / were unstable, emotionally unavailable, and abusive people who failed to nurture us properly. Was it intentional or out of ignorance...only you can decide. I think our growth begins when we start to see them for their wacky selves and stop allowing their opinions to carry so much influence in our lives and in choices we make. I have no advice for you on what to do about your father. Listen to your gut instincts is the best I have to offer. 2 > > My relationship with my mother and sister always caused me so much stress and anxiety. I've been in therepy on and off for about 5 yrs and feel I've made huge improvements in dealing with stress. However, my sisters wedding last summer was like the straw that broke the camel's back, it brought her and my mother closer than they already were and pushed me further and further out. > > My father left us when I was 8 yrs and my sister was 10yrs. My nada always told us that if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. Told us he never paid child support and was a big jerk. > > Last summer I decided to try to find him. I did and learned he did pay child support and she often hit him. The reason he said he didn't continue to visit us is b/c she made visits so ugly by raging at him everytime he came, that he thought we'd be better off without seeing him. Clearly, not a good choice but it was something I could understand and try to forgive. > > After a few months of getting to know him, I decided I wanted to try and have a relationship with him and told my mother that I found him > and wanted him in my life. She (predictable) hung up the phone on me. > Later in the week I got a letter from her demanding I pay her $15,000 > for college tuition and signed the letter using her first name, > not " Mom " . > > The next day I saw my therpist and told her the news. She let it slip that she thought my mother has BPD. I didn't know what it was, went home searched all night on line about it and thought for sure it was true. I was so relieved that my mother had given me this out from the > relationship by disowning me. I felt a HUGE weight off my back and > felt completely free. Knowing my mother and her abilty to hold a > grudge I was pretty sure she meant business and that I'd never talk > to her again. I kept waiting to feel badly about it, but it never came. > > Things progressed very well with my Dad and his new wife. I couldn't > believe I finally had a healthy family relationship, where I could > communicate freely and feel respected and loved. They seemed as > happy as I was to have me and my husband and 2 daugthers in their life. > Until about a month ago. Out of no where, my dad gave me some brutally > harsh criticsm about how I raise my children and my choice of religion. > He did it in person, and I told him I was very insulted to which he > said, " I don't care if I'm insulting you, you need to know the truth. " > > I left the situation and didn't call him for about 2 weeks. I got a > 2 page typed letter in the mail from him reiterating all the > criticsm and adding to it. I'm talking seriously messed up letter. > for ex. he said, " you are turning your children into whining, cranky > tryants " . My children are 1 and 3yrs. They aren't perfect, but they are > very age appropriate. I can't remember the last time i cried so > hard. Once again I didn't measure up to a parent. Once again I'm left > feeling like there isn't anything I can do that's right. Luckily, all > the therepy (and support from my wondeful husband) I've been through helped me get through it and I didn't > let his hurtful words seep through too much. > > I don't know what to do about him now. For 8mths he was pretty great, > thoughtful, considerate and didn't show any signs of being a jerk. > I already gave him a huge second chance to be in my life, and I feel > like he again threw it in the garbage. But at the same time, b/c of my > upbringing I've been quick to cut people of out my life, in the past. > I don't want to make a hasty decision, or I want to make it for the > right reasons. > > I've been NC with my mother for 6mths now, haven't seen her for 1 yr. > While at first I was so sure she had BPD, I'm starting to question it. > Does anyone else sometimes feel unsure if their nada really has it? > The time that has passed has left me wondering if maybe she wasn't > that bad, maybe I was just too sensitive to things? Part of me feels like it's b/c the craziness was so normal for me that > I've just accepted it. > > When I first went NC w/her I was more okay with it b/c I thought > I'd have a dad in my life, now it seems I'm not going to have either. > > > > Thanks for listening. I love this board, and read thru alot but > dont have much time to post. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2009 Report Share Posted June 13, 2009 Dear , I can totally understand the disappointment you are feeling from the harsh and unfair critisizm from your dad, on top of everything you've dealt with from your mom. This weekend I saw my father for the first time in about 15 years. It has been GREAT, and it has been the best decision I've made in a long time to come here. I don't know what our relationship will be like in 15 years. But for your dad, it is very hypocritical for him to critisize your parenting when he wasn't involved much in raising you. I think that you need to attempt setting some boundaries...maybe tell him something like " dad, I am really glad to have you back in my life, but i have my own way of doing things and raising my kids, even if you disagree. I respect your opinions, and I want to ask you to respect me not only as a daughter, but as a mother to my own children " . I'm not sure how he will react to that, but it's at least an attempt on your part to continue a relationship with him without getting the critisizm. As far as doubting my moms BPD, I can't say....to my knowledge she hasn't been formally diagnosed, but then again, she probably wouldn't tell me if she was. Even if it's not BPD, I still don't deserve to be treated like crap, and BPD or not, I prefer not to be an emotional doormat. BPD is a technical term.....a name of something. It's my nada's actions that have changed how I feel about her, not the name " BPD " . So either way, even if you are doubting her disorder.....you do not deserve being treated badly. Your mom should respect you as an adult and a mother, and if you want to have a relationship with your dad, she should respect that, even if she doesn't support you emotionally for it. My moms surgery next week, I think could be real.....her voice sounded awful on the phone, she could barely talk, and I had to ask her several times to repeat herself. Even if she is faking this situation (which would be terrible), i will feel better personally to give her a call on Monday and wish her luck for the surgery. I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it because if she isn't lying about it, I do want her to know that I am pulling for her to come out of it ok. I don't like my nada, she hurts me and SCARES me, but I don't want bad things to happen to her. We can NEVER be sure about what are unstable parents motives are. We CAN be sure of how we handle the situations that come up from them. I say choose your battles. Think things through and do what YOU need to do. It is hard to not let the fear control you, but taking it one step at a time will work. It has taken me a year and a half to come to this point....so many people on this board have really made a difference in my life just by giving their advice and support. I have so much more to learn, and we will all get there eventually. One more thing, if things aren't working out with your dad, and he refuses to respect your boundaries, you can look at it as if you had nothing to lose. When I made the trip this weekend to see my dad, a friend told me " well, he's been out of your life for so long....in taking this trip you have everything to gain and nothing to lose " . That is another way of looking at it. Anywho, I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow, and I better get some sleep. Just take things one day at a time, and hang in there. Let us know how this works out. ~Sara JO > > My relationship with my mother and sister always caused me so much stress and anxiety. I've been in therepy on and off for about 5 yrs and feel I've made huge improvements in dealing with stress. However, my sisters wedding last summer was like the straw that broke the camel's back, it brought her and my mother closer than they already were and pushed me further and further out. > > My father left us when I was 8 yrs and my sister was 10yrs. My nada always told us that if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. Told us he never paid child support and was a big jerk. > > Last summer I decided to try to find him. I did and learned he did pay child support and she often hit him. The reason he said he didn't continue to visit us is b/c she made visits so ugly by raging at him everytime he came, that he thought we'd be better off without seeing him. Clearly, not a good choice but it was something I could understand and try to forgive. > > After a few months of getting to know him, I decided I wanted to try and have a relationship with him and told my mother that I found him > and wanted him in my life. She (predictable) hung up the phone on me. > Later in the week I got a letter from her demanding I pay her $15,000 > for college tuition and signed the letter using her first name, > not " Mom " . > > The next day I saw my therpist and told her the news. She let it slip that she thought my mother has BPD. I didn't know what it was, went home searched all night on line about it and thought for sure it was true. I was so relieved that my mother had given me this out from the > relationship by disowning me. I felt a HUGE weight off my back and > felt completely free. Knowing my mother and her abilty to hold a > grudge I was pretty sure she meant business and that I'd never talk > to her again. I kept waiting to feel badly about it, but it never came. > > Things progressed very well with my Dad and his new wife. I couldn't > believe I finally had a healthy family relationship, where I could > communicate freely and feel respected and loved. They seemed as > happy as I was to have me and my husband and 2 daugthers in their life. > Until about a month ago. Out of no where, my dad gave me some brutally > harsh criticsm about how I raise my children and my choice of religion. > He did it in person, and I told him I was very insulted to which he > said, " I don't care if I'm insulting you, you need to know the truth. " > > I left the situation and didn't call him for about 2 weeks. I got a > 2 page typed letter in the mail from him reiterating all the > criticsm and adding to it. I'm talking seriously messed up letter. > for ex. he said, " you are turning your children into whining, cranky > tryants " . My children are 1 and 3yrs. They aren't perfect, but they are > very age appropriate. I can't remember the last time i cried so > hard. Once again I didn't measure up to a parent. Once again I'm left > feeling like there isn't anything I can do that's right. Luckily, all > the therepy (and support from my wondeful husband) I've been through helped me get through it and I didn't > let his hurtful words seep through too much. > > I don't know what to do about him now. For 8mths he was pretty great, > thoughtful, considerate and didn't show any signs of being a jerk. > I already gave him a huge second chance to be in my life, and I feel > like he again threw it in the garbage. But at the same time, b/c of my > upbringing I've been quick to cut people of out my life, in the past. > I don't want to make a hasty decision, or I want to make it for the > right reasons. > > I've been NC with my mother for 6mths now, haven't seen her for 1 yr. > While at first I was so sure she had BPD, I'm starting to question it. > Does anyone else sometimes feel unsure if their nada really has it? > The time that has passed has left me wondering if maybe she wasn't > that bad, maybe I was just too sensitive to things? Part of me feels like it's b/c the craziness was so normal for me that > I've just accepted it. > > When I first went NC w/her I was more okay with it b/c I thought > I'd have a dad in my life, now it seems I'm not going to have either. > > Please let me know what you think I should do about my dad and if you > ever doubt your nada's illness (for those whose nada's haven't been > professionaly diagnosed). > > Thanks for listening. I love this board, and read thru alot but > dont have much time to post. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 , Like Ashana said, this sounds like splitting. He may not have a PD, for all we know it could be a flea he picked up from your nada. If he was married to your nada and content to not see his daughters he inevitably has unresolved issues. If he is " healthy " he will allow you to tell him how deeply his words hurt. If he won't discuss it without you sharing you views then you are better off learning this now. I'm sure this is not the experience you want your children to have with their grandfather. Are you still in therapy now? What does your therapist say? Riah > > My relationship with my mother and sister always caused me so much stress and anxiety. I've been in therepy on and off for about 5 yrs and feel I've made huge improvements in dealing with stress. However, my sisters wedding last summer was like the straw that broke the camel's back, it brought her and my mother closer than they already were and pushed me further and further out. > > My father left us when I was 8 yrs and my sister was 10yrs. My nada always told us that if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. Told us he never paid child support and was a big jerk. > > Last summer I decided to try to find him. I did and learned he did pay child support and she often hit him. The reason he said he didn't continue to visit us is b/c she made visits so ugly by raging at him everytime he came, that he thought we'd be better off without seeing him. Clearly, not a good choice but it was something I could understand and try to forgive. > > After a few months of getting to know him, I decided I wanted to try and have a relationship with him and told my mother that I found him > and wanted him in my life. She (predictable) hung up the phone on me. > Later in the week I got a letter from her demanding I pay her $15,000 > for college tuition and signed the letter using her first name, > not " Mom " . > > The next day I saw my therpist and told her the news. She let it slip that she thought my mother has BPD. I didn't know what it was, went home searched all night on line about it and thought for sure it was true. I was so relieved that my mother had given me this out from the > relationship by disowning me. I felt a HUGE weight off my back and > felt completely free. Knowing my mother and her abilty to hold a > grudge I was pretty sure she meant business and that I'd never talk > to her again. I kept waiting to feel badly about it, but it never came. > > Things progressed very well with my Dad and his new wife. I couldn't > believe I finally had a healthy family relationship, where I could > communicate freely and feel respected and loved. They seemed as > happy as I was to have me and my husband and 2 daugthers in their life. > Until about a month ago. Out of no where, my dad gave me some brutally > harsh criticsm about how I raise my children and my choice of religion. > He did it in person, and I told him I was very insulted to which he > said, " I don't care if I'm insulting you, you need to know the truth. " > > I left the situation and didn't call him for about 2 weeks. I got a > 2 page typed letter in the mail from him reiterating all the > criticsm and adding to it. I'm talking seriously messed up letter. > for ex. he said, " you are turning your children into whining, cranky > tryants " . My children are 1 and 3yrs. They aren't perfect, but they are > very age appropriate. I can't remember the last time i cried so > hard. Once again I didn't measure up to a parent. Once again I'm left > feeling like there isn't anything I can do that's right. Luckily, all > the therepy (and support from my wondeful husband) I've been through helped me get through it and I didn't > let his hurtful words seep through too much. > > I don't know what to do about him now. For 8mths he was pretty great, > thoughtful, considerate and didn't show any signs of being a jerk. > I already gave him a huge second chance to be in my life, and I feel > like he again threw it in the garbage. But at the same time, b/c of my > upbringing I've been quick to cut people of out my life, in the past. > I don't want to make a hasty decision, or I want to make it for the > right reasons. > > I've been NC with my mother for 6mths now, haven't seen her for 1 yr. > While at first I was so sure she had BPD, I'm starting to question it. > Does anyone else sometimes feel unsure if their nada really has it? > The time that has passed has left me wondering if maybe she wasn't > that bad, maybe I was just too sensitive to things? Part of me feels like it's b/c the craziness was so normal for me that > I've just accepted it. > > When I first went NC w/her I was more okay with it b/c I thought > I'd have a dad in my life, now it seems I'm not going to have either. > > Please let me know what you think I should do about my dad and if you > ever doubt your nada's illness (for those whose nada's haven't been > professionaly diagnosed). > > Thanks for listening. I love this board, and read thru alot but > dont have much time to post. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 , I'm sorry to hear that all this happened to you. Just a few thoughts on questioning whether or not your nada has BP. I did that for well over a year and it was because acknowledging it was too painful for me. I didn't want to accept that my mother was not really a mother to me. I didn't want to look at my pain and my own issues. By questioning whether or not she was, it gave me hope that things would change and I wasn't as damaged as I was. Truth is, she really is that bad, won't change and I have major issues because or it. I've moved forward from all that and it is becoming a bookmark in my life. She is off to the side, removed from me, but still there. I have accepted what she is and I feel better for it because I can now focus on me. She's never going to be the hallmark card mother. She's not capable. As for your dad. Nobody knows what really went on between them. As they say, it takes two to tango. She has her version, he has his and the truth is somewhere in between the two. Part of being a KO is not trusting people or cutting people out of lives to protect us. I'm not sure what brought on your father's attack on your parenting. Who knows. I could be wrong, but I think you put all your hope in him to finally have a parent. I think you hoped he'd be the father you needed and the dream burst. It hurts. He let you down because he has shown you that he is not perfect either. He's also shown you that he too has a cruel side, just like your nada. They both let you down. It's okay to step away from your parents. My dad is dead and my nada is nada so I basically look at myself as an orphan. It sounds like you have a good support system. Lean on them and continue on your journey with or without your parents. Do what is best for you. It's not that you didn't measure up to your parents, they didn't measure up to you! Abby > > My relationship with my mother and sister always caused me so much stress and anxiety. I've been in therepy on and off for about 5 yrs and feel I've made huge improvements in dealing with stress. However, my sisters wedding last summer was like the straw that broke the camel's back, it brought her and my mother closer than they already were and pushed me further and further out. > > My father left us when I was 8 yrs and my sister was 10yrs. My nada always told us that if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. Told us he never paid child support and was a big jerk. > > Last summer I decided to try to find him. I did and learned he did pay child support and she often hit him. The reason he said he didn't continue to visit us is b/c she made visits so ugly by raging at him everytime he came, that he thought we'd be better off without seeing him. Clearly, not a good choice but it was something I could understand and try to forgive. > > After a few months of getting to know him, I decided I wanted to try and have a relationship with him and told my mother that I found him > and wanted him in my life. She (predictable) hung up the phone on me. > Later in the week I got a letter from her demanding I pay her $15,000 > for college tuition and signed the letter using her first name, > not " Mom " . > > The next day I saw my therpist and told her the news. She let it slip that she thought my mother has BPD. I didn't know what it was, went home searched all night on line about it and thought for sure it was true. I was so relieved that my mother had given me this out from the > relationship by disowning me. I felt a HUGE weight off my back and > felt completely free. Knowing my mother and her abilty to hold a > grudge I was pretty sure she meant business and that I'd never talk > to her again. I kept waiting to feel badly about it, but it never came. > > Things progressed very well with my Dad and his new wife. I couldn't > believe I finally had a healthy family relationship, where I could > communicate freely and feel respected and loved. They seemed as > happy as I was to have me and my husband and 2 daugthers in their life. > Until about a month ago. Out of no where, my dad gave me some brutally > harsh criticsm about how I raise my children and my choice of religion. > He did it in person, and I told him I was very insulted to which he > said, " I don't care if I'm insulting you, you need to know the truth. " > > I left the situation and didn't call him for about 2 weeks. I got a > 2 page typed letter in the mail from him reiterating all the > criticsm and adding to it. I'm talking seriously messed up letter. > for ex. he said, " you are turning your children into whining, cranky > tryants " . My children are 1 and 3yrs. They aren't perfect, but they are > very age appropriate. I can't remember the last time i cried so > hard. Once again I didn't measure up to a parent. Once again I'm left > feeling like there isn't anything I can do that's right. Luckily, all > the therepy (and support from my wondeful husband) I've been through helped me get through it and I didn't > let his hurtful words seep through too much. > > I don't know what to do about him now. For 8mths he was pretty great, > thoughtful, considerate and didn't show any signs of being a jerk. > I already gave him a huge second chance to be in my life, and I feel > like he again threw it in the garbage. But at the same time, b/c of my > upbringing I've been quick to cut people of out my life, in the past. > I don't want to make a hasty decision, or I want to make it for the > right reasons. > > I've been NC with my mother for 6mths now, haven't seen her for 1 yr. > While at first I was so sure she had BPD, I'm starting to question it. > Does anyone else sometimes feel unsure if their nada really has it? > The time that has passed has left me wondering if maybe she wasn't > that bad, maybe I was just too sensitive to things? Part of me feels like it's b/c the craziness was so normal for me that > I've just accepted it. > > When I first went NC w/her I was more okay with it b/c I thought > I'd have a dad in my life, now it seems I'm not going to have either. > > Please let me know what you think I should do about my dad and if you > ever doubt your nada's illness (for those whose nada's haven't been > professionaly diagnosed). > > Thanks for listening. I love this board, and read thru alot but > dont have much time to post. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 Hi , I understand what it feels like to " be on an island " so to speak. My dad has some sort of PD (he was physically abusive). He tried contacting me when I was 19, and when my sisters were 17 and 12. Part of me wanted to resume contact with him; but the logical side of me said no. I didn't doubt that he wanted to see us even a little after receiving a restraining order for many years. But I knew it might not be safe, and I doubted whether he could give me what I needed as a parent. Your dad's behavior sounds a wee bit unpredictable. I don't think you are being too sensitive in this case. I think you should continue to surround yourself with supportive and non-judgmental friends, and supportive others. I think you've gone through enough. Maybe you can re-connect with him at a later date. But it sounds like even if he's more stable than your Nada, he's very controlling. I am NC with my Nada (and my Fada). I have Nada's grandparents, but they live close to Nada and they are more her support system. My sisters live with Nada. It is all very tricky. I hope things get better for you and you find peace. Maybe you can contact other extended relatives on your dad's side--like an aunt? Joy > > My relationship with my mother and sister always caused me so much stress and anxiety. I've been in therepy on and off for about 5 yrs and feel I've made huge improvements in dealing with stress. However, my sisters wedding last summer was like the straw that broke the camel's back, it brought her and my mother closer than they already were and pushed me further and further out. > > My father left us when I was 8 yrs and my sister was 10yrs. My nada always told us that if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. Told us he never paid child support and was a big jerk. > > Last summer I decided to try to find him. I did and learned he did pay child support and she often hit him. The reason he said he didn't continue to visit us is b/c she made visits so ugly by raging at him everytime he came, that he thought we'd be better off without seeing him. Clearly, not a good choice but it was something I could understand and try to forgive. > > After a few months of getting to know him, I decided I wanted to try and have a relationship with him and told my mother that I found him > and wanted him in my life. She (predictable) hung up the phone on me. > Later in the week I got a letter from her demanding I pay her $15,000 > for college tuition and signed the letter using her first name, > not " Mom " . > > The next day I saw my therpist and told her the news. She let it slip that she thought my mother has BPD. I didn't know what it was, went home searched all night on line about it and thought for sure it was true. I was so relieved that my mother had given me this out from the > relationship by disowning me. I felt a HUGE weight off my back and > felt completely free. Knowing my mother and her abilty to hold a > grudge I was pretty sure she meant business and that I'd never talk > to her again. I kept waiting to feel badly about it, but it never came. > > Things progressed very well with my Dad and his new wife. I couldn't > believe I finally had a healthy family relationship, where I could > communicate freely and feel respected and loved. They seemed as > happy as I was to have me and my husband and 2 daugthers in their life. > Until about a month ago. Out of no where, my dad gave me some brutally > harsh criticsm about how I raise my children and my choice of religion. > He did it in person, and I told him I was very insulted to which he > said, " I don't care if I'm insulting you, you need to know the truth. " > > I left the situation and didn't call him for about 2 weeks. I got a > 2 page typed letter in the mail from him reiterating all the > criticsm and adding to it. I'm talking seriously messed up letter. > for ex. he said, " you are turning your children into whining, cranky > tryants " . My children are 1 and 3yrs. They aren't perfect, but they are > very age appropriate. I can't remember the last time i cried so > hard. Once again I didn't measure up to a parent. Once again I'm left > feeling like there isn't anything I can do that's right. Luckily, all > the therepy (and support from my wondeful husband) I've been through helped me get through it and I didn't > let his hurtful words seep through too much. > > I don't know what to do about him now. For 8mths he was pretty great, > thoughtful, considerate and didn't show any signs of being a jerk. > I already gave him a huge second chance to be in my life, and I feel > like he again threw it in the garbage. But at the same time, b/c of my > upbringing I've been quick to cut people of out my life, in the past. > I don't want to make a hasty decision, or I want to make it for the > right reasons. > > I've been NC with my mother for 6mths now, haven't seen her for 1 yr. > While at first I was so sure she had BPD, I'm starting to question it. > Does anyone else sometimes feel unsure if their nada really has it? > The time that has passed has left me wondering if maybe she wasn't > that bad, maybe I was just too sensitive to things? Part of me feels like it's b/c the craziness was so normal for me that > I've just accepted it. > > When I first went NC w/her I was more okay with it b/c I thought > I'd have a dad in my life, now it seems I'm not going to have either. > > Please let me know what you think I should do about my dad and if you > ever doubt your nada's illness (for those whose nada's haven't been > professionaly diagnosed). > > Thanks for listening. I love this board, and read thru alot but > dont have much time to post. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 Great post, Abby. Your words struck a cord with me. When you said you basically consider yourself an orphan. We should all be in that Disney cartoon, " Meet the s " . He walked away from his birth Mom knowing that something better lies ahead. And she didn't even have a mental issue. Joy > > > > My relationship with my mother and sister always caused me so much stress and anxiety. I've been in therepy on and off for about 5 yrs and feel I've made huge improvements in dealing with stress. However, my sisters wedding last summer was like the straw that broke the camel's back, it brought her and my mother closer than they already were and pushed me further and further out. > > > > My father left us when I was 8 yrs and my sister was 10yrs. My nada always told us that if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. Told us he never paid child support and was a big jerk. > > > > Last summer I decided to try to find him. I did and learned he did pay child support and she often hit him. The reason he said he didn't continue to visit us is b/c she made visits so ugly by raging at him everytime he came, that he thought we'd be better off without seeing him. Clearly, not a good choice but it was something I could understand and try to forgive. > > > > After a few months of getting to know him, I decided I wanted to try and have a relationship with him and told my mother that I found him > > and wanted him in my life. She (predictable) hung up the phone on me. > > Later in the week I got a letter from her demanding I pay her $15,000 > > for college tuition and signed the letter using her first name, > > not " Mom " . > > > > The next day I saw my therpist and told her the news. She let it slip that she thought my mother has BPD. I didn't know what it was, went home searched all night on line about it and thought for sure it was true. I was so relieved that my mother had given me this out from the > > relationship by disowning me. I felt a HUGE weight off my back and > > felt completely free. Knowing my mother and her abilty to hold a > > grudge I was pretty sure she meant business and that I'd never talk > > to her again. I kept waiting to feel badly about it, but it never came. > > > > Things progressed very well with my Dad and his new wife. I couldn't > > believe I finally had a healthy family relationship, where I could > > communicate freely and feel respected and loved. They seemed as > > happy as I was to have me and my husband and 2 daugthers in their life. > > Until about a month ago. Out of no where, my dad gave me some brutally > > harsh criticsm about how I raise my children and my choice of religion. > > He did it in person, and I told him I was very insulted to which he > > said, " I don't care if I'm insulting you, you need to know the truth. " > > > > I left the situation and didn't call him for about 2 weeks. I got a > > 2 page typed letter in the mail from him reiterating all the > > criticsm and adding to it. I'm talking seriously messed up letter. > > for ex. he said, " you are turning your children into whining, cranky > > tryants " . My children are 1 and 3yrs. They aren't perfect, but they are > > very age appropriate. I can't remember the last time i cried so > > hard. Once again I didn't measure up to a parent. Once again I'm left > > feeling like there isn't anything I can do that's right. Luckily, all > > the therepy (and support from my wondeful husband) I've been through helped me get through it and I didn't > > let his hurtful words seep through too much. > > > > I don't know what to do about him now. For 8mths he was pretty great, > > thoughtful, considerate and didn't show any signs of being a jerk. > > I already gave him a huge second chance to be in my life, and I feel > > like he again threw it in the garbage. But at the same time, b/c of my > > upbringing I've been quick to cut people of out my life, in the past. > > I don't want to make a hasty decision, or I want to make it for the > > right reasons. > > > > I've been NC with my mother for 6mths now, haven't seen her for 1 yr. > > While at first I was so sure she had BPD, I'm starting to question it. > > Does anyone else sometimes feel unsure if their nada really has it? > > The time that has passed has left me wondering if maybe she wasn't > > that bad, maybe I was just too sensitive to things? Part of me feels like it's b/c the craziness was so normal for me that > > I've just accepted it. > > > > When I first went NC w/her I was more okay with it b/c I thought > > I'd have a dad in my life, now it seems I'm not going to have either. > > > > Please let me know what you think I should do about my dad and if you > > ever doubt your nada's illness (for those whose nada's haven't been > > professionaly diagnosed). > > > > Thanks for listening. I love this board, and read thru alot but > > dont have much time to post. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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