Understated, yet elegant....

[Guest guest]

So I'm IM'ing with a friend I met when I was 10 (I'm 40 now.) We've been in/out

of eachothers lives for 30 years... she was one of the few people who went on

camping trips, stayed with us for weeks, was " in the family " as much as a

sister. Her mother was crazy and her dad re-married a " winner of an abuser " so

we were used to eachother's environments... she knows a bit about what the last

year 1/2 has been like but she's in anther part of the country and was fighting

cancer this last year so I didn't burden her with a lot...

Last night a part of the conversation went like this:

Her: So how's your mom?

me: She's mentally ill.

Her: What's the problem?

me: Here, take a look at this (I sent her the link for BPD DSM-V criteria)

Her: Yep. That explains everything.

Me: Go Mom! 9 for 9

Her: ...and then some...

Why is it simple conversations like that that make me shudder? I'm " far enough

along " to not cry and go crazy with this but it sure makes me wonder why, if a

childhood friend 'knew'... why didn't ANY adult in my life come in to save me???

Anyone?

Lynnette

[Guest guest]

A couple of reasons:

1) People didn't want to get involved (most still don't).

2) What we consider abuse now was not considered abuse then.

3) Maybe they didn't know.

I often wonder the same thing, but I have to put it in context.

Abby

>

> So I'm IM'ing with a friend I met when I was 10 (I'm 40 now.) We've been

in/out of eachothers lives for 30 years... she was one of the few people who

went on camping trips, stayed with us for weeks, was " in the family " as much as

a sister. Her mother was crazy and her dad re-married a " winner of an abuser "

so we were used to eachother's environments... she knows a bit about what the

last year 1/2 has been like but she's in anther part of the country and was

fighting cancer this last year so I didn't burden her with a lot...

>

> Last night a part of the conversation went like this:

>

> Her: So how's your mom?

>

> me: She's mentally ill.

>

> Her: What's the problem?

>

> me: Here, take a look at this (I sent her the link for BPD DSM-V criteria)

>

> Her: Yep. That explains everything.

>

> Me: Go Mom! 9 for 9

>

> Her: ...and then some...

>

> Why is it simple conversations like that that make me shudder? I'm " far

enough along " to not cry and go crazy with this but it sure makes me wonder why,

if a childhood friend 'knew'... why didn't ANY adult in my life come in to save

me???

>

> Anyone?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

I think childhood friends, when kids, are much closer than adults..so a

child would notice more than an adult because she may have been around more,

...plus your nada ( like mine) could hold her tongue and behavior in front of

others...but didn't think it was worth her time/effort to do the same in

front of a child...

Jackie

So I'm IM'ing with a friend I met when I was 10 (I'm 40 now.) We've been

in/out of eachothers lives for 30 years... she was one of the few people who

went on camping trips, stayed with us for weeks, was " in the family " as much

as a sister. Her mother was crazy and her dad re-married a " winner of an

abuser " so we were used to eachother's environments... she knows a bit about

what the last year 1/2 has been like but she's in anther part of the country

and was fighting cancer this last year so I didn't burden her with a lot...

Last night a part of the conversation went like this:

Her: So how's your mom?

me: She's mentally ill.

Her: What's the problem?

me: Here, take a look at this (I sent her the link for BPD DSM-V criteria)

Her: Yep. That explains everything.

Me: Go Mom! 9 for 9

Her: ...and then some...

Why is it simple conversations like that that make me shudder? I'm " far

enough along " to not cry and go crazy with this but it sure makes me wonder

why, if a childhood friend 'knew'... why didn't ANY adult in my life come in

to save me???

Anyone?

Lynnette

[Guest guest]

I agree with you Jackie. Nadas are quite capable of controlling themselves and

displaying a normal, attractive persona to other adults when it suits their

purpose. But I didn't feel safe inviting my friends to my home to play, because

my nada wouldn't control herself around children and would yell at me and

humiliate me in front of my friends, or even say mean, rude things to my

friends. So, I never invited anyone over.

-Annie

>

> I think childhood friends, when kids, are much closer than adults..so a

> child would notice more than an adult because she may have been around more,

> ..plus your nada ( like mine) could hold her tongue and behavior in front of

> others...but didn't think it was worth her time/effort to do the same in

> front of a child...

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> So I'm IM'ing with a friend I met when I was 10 (I'm 40 now.) We've been

> in/out of eachothers lives for 30 years... she was one of the few people who

> went on camping trips, stayed with us for weeks, was " in the family " as much

> as a sister. Her mother was crazy and her dad re-married a " winner of an

> abuser " so we were used to eachother's environments... she knows a bit about

> what the last year 1/2 has been like but she's in anther part of the country

> and was fighting cancer this last year so I didn't burden her with a lot...

>

> Last night a part of the conversation went like this:

>

> Her: So how's your mom?

>

> me: She's mentally ill.

>

> Her: What's the problem?

>

> me: Here, take a look at this (I sent her the link for BPD DSM-V criteria)

>

> Her: Yep. That explains everything.

>

> Me: Go Mom! 9 for 9

>

> Her: ...and then some...

>

> Why is it simple conversations like that that make me shudder? I'm " far

> enough along " to not cry and go crazy with this but it sure makes me wonder

> why, if a childhood friend 'knew'... why didn't ANY adult in my life come in

> to save me???

>

> Anyone?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

same here !!

Jackie

I agree with you Jackie. Nadas are quite capable of controlling themselves

and displaying a normal, attractive persona to other adults when it suits

their purpose. But I didn't feel safe inviting my friends to my home to

play, because my nada wouldn't control herself around children and would

yell at me and humiliate me in front of my friends, or even say mean, rude

things to my friends. So, I never invited anyone over.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

I think my nada didn't like the mess and noise and " chaos " that ensued when

children were playing together, but for some reason she chose not to tell me

directly " Don't invite your friends here to play, I hate it. " Maybe on some

level she realized that that would be viewed as odd or ungracious by her peers.

So, instead, she made it so uncomfortable for me to have friends over that I

stopped inviting them on my own. 99% of the time when I'd have free time to

play, I'd go to my friends' houses to play with them.

On the few occasions that I do remember asking a friend over, we played outside,

not inside. Strange, now that I think of it, even though I had my own room, I

never felt like it was " my house " , it was always " my parents' house. "

-Annie

>

> same here !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

> I agree with you Jackie. Nadas are quite capable of controlling themselves

> and displaying a normal, attractive persona to other adults when it suits

> their purpose. But I didn't feel safe inviting my friends to my home to

> play, because my nada wouldn't control herself around children and would

> yell at me and humiliate me in front of my friends, or even say mean, rude

> things to my friends. So, I never invited anyone over.

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

my nada would tell me we made her nervous...and would always yell at us to

be quiet, or stop playing the way we were...and we weren't rowdy kids ! oh,

my nada made it very clear that my bedroom was in HER house, therefore her

room...we never had any privacy...we weren't allowed to have the door

closed...

Jackie

I think my nada didn't like the mess and noise and " chaos " that ensued when

children were playing together, but for some reason she chose not to tell me

directly " Don't invite your friends here to play, I hate it. " Maybe on some

level she realized that that would be viewed as odd or ungracious by her

peers.

So, instead, she made it so uncomfortable for me to have friends over that I

stopped inviting them on my own. 99% of the time when I'd have free time to

play, I'd go to my friends' houses to play with them.

On the few occasions that I do remember asking a friend over, we played

outside, not inside. Strange, now that I think of it, even though I had my

own room, I never felt like it was " my house " , it was always " my parents'

house. "

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Annie,

My nada was the same! She didn't like me going to other peoples houses, and she

HATED having company. It was ridiculous!

When it was even just me and my sis together she would constantly tell us that

we were making her a nervous wreck and that we need to be quiet.

We were never allowed to lock any doors, not even the bathroom door. This was

HER house and as long as we were under HER roof, we will follow HER rules! And

that means you are not to lock the doors! (Hearing my nada's voice yelling this

at me).

It wasn't just my friends that nada didn't want in the house. She just hated

having company at all! I wonder if it's because she had to act different around

strangers, so people wouldn't know what she was really like.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > same here !!

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > I agree with you Jackie. Nadas are quite capable of controlling themselves

> > and displaying a normal, attractive persona to other adults when it suits

> > their purpose. But I didn't feel safe inviting my friends to my home to

> > play, because my nada wouldn't control herself around children and would

> > yell at me and humiliate me in front of my friends, or even say mean, rude

> > things to my friends. So, I never invited anyone over.

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lynnette - Because your friends' parents were crazy, too!

Seriously - as a parent, I make it a POINT to check out the adults in any home

where my son will be visiting. If the adults or older kids seem " off, " there's

no way I'd let him go over there. So, you and your friend were both used to

wacky environments - because it's what you knew. If there were other kids

living in saner families, it's possible those kids weren't hanging out at your

house because the parents knew there was something wrong.

However - it was 30 years ago, people didn't know as much about mental illness

and its effects on kids, and they sure weren't as quick to " jump in " to another

family's business as they are now. We've come light years in protecting kids

from abuse.

Plus - if we've all had a hard time defining just what type of crazy our parents

were, you gotta figure that outsiders - who only saw " nice Nada " - would have

had fewer clues. BPD's are sooo sneaky.

It stinks. All we can do, is do better. -

>

> So I'm IM'ing with a friend I met when I was 10 (I'm 40 now.) We've been

in/out of eachothers lives for 30 years... she was one of the few people who

went on camping trips, stayed with us for weeks, was " in the family " as much as

a sister. Her mother was crazy and her dad re-married a " winner of an abuser "

so we were used to eachother's environments... she knows a bit about what the

last year 1/2 has been like but she's in anther part of the country and was

fighting cancer this last year so I didn't burden her with a lot...

>

> Last night a part of the conversation went like this:

>

> Her: So how's your mom?

>

> me: She's mentally ill.

>

> Her: What's the problem?

>

> me: Here, take a look at this (I sent her the link for BPD DSM-V criteria)

>

> Her: Yep. That explains everything.

>

> Me: Go Mom! 9 for 9

>

> Her: ...and then some...

>

> Why is it simple conversations like that that make me shudder? I'm " far

enough along " to not cry and go crazy with this but it sure makes me wonder why,

if a childhood friend 'knew'... why didn't ANY adult in my life come in to save

me???

>

> Anyone?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Nada used to yell and get mad because I didn't bring my friends there. She used

to get quite worked about it and accuse me of being ashamed and that's why I

didn't bring anyone around..gee..ya think!?!? Even though she pitched a fit

about it, when I did bring my friends over she never made them feel welcome.

Abby

> >

> > same here !!

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > I agree with you Jackie. Nadas are quite capable of controlling themselves

> > and displaying a normal, attractive persona to other adults when it suits

> > their purpose. But I didn't feel safe inviting my friends to my home to

> > play, because my nada wouldn't control herself around children and would

> > yell at me and humiliate me in front of my friends, or even say mean, rude

> > things to my friends. So, I never invited anyone over.

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wasn't allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door. It didn't matter if the door

was closed, she'd open it and walk in whenever she wanted.

>

> my nada would tell me we made her nervous...and would always yell at us to

> be quiet, or stop playing the way we were...and we weren't rowdy kids ! oh,

> my nada made it very clear that my bedroom was in HER house, therefore her

> room...we never had any privacy...we weren't allowed to have the door

> closed...

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> I think my nada didn't like the mess and noise and " chaos " that ensued when

> children were playing together, but for some reason she chose not to tell me

> directly " Don't invite your friends here to play, I hate it. " Maybe on some

> level she realized that that would be viewed as odd or ungracious by her

> peers.

>

> So, instead, she made it so uncomfortable for me to have friends over that I

> stopped inviting them on my own. 99% of the time when I'd have free time to

> play, I'd go to my friends' houses to play with them.

>

> On the few occasions that I do remember asking a friend over, we played

> outside, not inside. Strange, now that I think of it, even though I had my

> own room, I never felt like it was " my house " , it was always " my parents'

> house. "

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I've had several chats with nada's half-sister in the past couple of months and

learned that she highly suspected many of the things that I have told her about,

but I grew up in the late 50s and early 60s and things were different

then...heck they even paddled kids in school back then! My aunt said she never

wanted to come between mother and daughter, she also lived 70 miles away from us

and didn't see us all that often...but hmmmm, still she suspected these

patterns.

She also said my maternal grandmother noticed many things too. I'm actually

going on Wednesday to talk to nada's brother and his wife, they lived down the

street for a few years when I was 9-11 years of age. Nada's brother is 4-5 years

younger than nada, so he was also the brunt of her bossy, controlling behaviors

while living with their parents and my aunt said I should talk to him. He

cannot stand nada and they've had very little to do with each other for years

although they live less than 5 miles apart.

My therapist wants me to gather all sorts of info on nada's upbringing so my

uncle is the best one to supply that info, as their half-sister left home at 14

to move in with her grandmother to get away from nada's alcoholic father...who

hated my aunt as she was not his daughter.

I never invited school friends to my house either for the same reason. All the

neighbor kids already knew what nada was like, they'd each had their own

encounters with her...hard to avoid when you live within nada's line of vision.

2

> >

> > I think childhood friends, when kids, are much closer than adults..so a

> > child would notice more than an adult because she may have been around more,

> > ..plus your nada ( like mine) could hold her tongue and behavior in front of

> > others...but didn't think it was worth her time/effort to do the same in

> > front of a child...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> > So I'm IM'ing with a friend I met when I was 10 (I'm 40 now.) We've been

> > in/out of eachothers lives for 30 years... she was one of the few people who

> > went on camping trips, stayed with us for weeks, was " in the family " as much

> > as a sister. Her mother was crazy and her dad re-married a " winner of an

> > abuser " so we were used to eachother's environments... she knows a bit about

> > what the last year 1/2 has been like but she's in anther part of the country

> > and was fighting cancer this last year so I didn't burden her with a lot...

> >

> > Last night a part of the conversation went like this:

> >

> > Her: So how's your mom?

> >

> > me: She's mentally ill.

> >

> > Her: What's the problem?

> >

> > me: Here, take a look at this (I sent her the link for BPD DSM-V criteria)

> >

> > Her: Yep. That explains everything.

> >

> > Me: Go Mom! 9 for 9

> >

> > Her: ...and then some...

> >

> > Why is it simple conversations like that that make me shudder? I'm " far

> > enough along " to not cry and go crazy with this but it sure makes me wonder

> > why, if a childhood friend 'knew'... why didn't ANY adult in my life come in

> > to save me???

> >

> > Anyone?

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>