Re: NADA called, broke NC. Met my dad. I am a mess.

[Guest guest]

I am here with you too!!!

I've done this father search thing too... didn't turn out so well because he's

so filled with hate for her that he projected it on to me... I ended up walking

away from him... but my 1/2 sister contacted me a few years ago and we're " ok "

without our parents involvement.

That said, it does break your heart... the deep sadness... the stories... the

lightbulbs of your childhood going off... the things you think you " knew " and

" remembered " ... only to find out that maybe, maybe someone is lying (and how do

you breathe when you realize the price you paid?)

I've learned to just let the emotions roll over me like water. I become

perfectly still, focus on a bright sunny memory, or a cloud or a star in the sky

and feel what I'm going to feel, cry if I want and live now, as an adult, the

anguish I never was privy to feel as a child.

Sometimes the truth is complicated. One team isn't always 100% right.

None-the-less the pain is real, valid and confusing. Recognize that what you've

lost is gone for good... but what you can bring into your life now is here

forever - if you allow it to be.

Regarding your mom's condition... are you sure it's real? I'm always suspicious

of " sudden catastrophic medical conditions " that suddenly manifest themselves

when " I'm busy " with something that she has no control over (which is most

things lately.) If it is, do the right thing for you. If it's not, do the

right thing for you. Self-preservation & integrity first: ALWAYS!

You can do this....

Lynnette

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

I also forgot to mention that when mom texted me, my sister was also texting me

saying things like " mom sent you a message, did you get it?Are you going to let

her call you? Keep an open heart when you talk to her. "

And after I DID talk to mom, my sister texted me and said " you should call her

back and talk with her somemore " .

I have a feeling that because my sisters expectations of me are not goign to be

met, I may be going NC with her too. So sad. I understand thought, back when I

was the " good kid " I would try to get my sister to get along with our mom. It's

just the other way around now.

~Sara Jo

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your mom and sister wanted to make darn sure this visit was,

somehow, about THEM.

It wasn't. It will never be. Let them be the uninvited guest standing in the

yard. You don't have to let them have a place at your table right now. A

heart's journey doesn't need to turn into another version of, " The Mad Hatter's

Tea Party. "

Lynnette

> >

> > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time

in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

> >

> > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> >

> > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> >

> > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

> >

> > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> >

> >

> > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> >

> > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> >

> > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> >

> > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> >

> > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

> >

> > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> >

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

Sara Jo,

I think your gut instinct is trying to tell you something, here. She knew you

were going to see your dad, which is why she called. She purposefully didn't

bring it up, but brought this up instead to divert attention to her.

Although I can see why you would be conflicted at such a pivotal time in your

Mom's health. It is hard to separate the two, and it is not your fault you are

having trouble. BPDs are supreme manipulators and confusers...

I'd stick with NC if I were you. Your health is important. I don't want to see

you regress and sacrifice your well-being for your Nada. She pays more than

enough attention on herself I am sure. Consider her call a more subtle,

professional way to divert attention from your dad than her other way she used

on you as a kid.

I am sure you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to your Nada's health,

though. I wouldn't want to see my Nada in physical pain or any sort of pain. I

just want to stay away. If Nada has another support group that can take care of

her through this time; she will be okay.

Hope this helps. It sounds like you are doing so well despite the stress you are

going through.

Joy

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

I'm sure it is no accident that you mom tried to steal the show again by

trumping the excitement you had for reuniting with your dad by sharing her

illness. Any sane person would have let you have time with your dad. But she

never would let you be with your dad, from the story you shared.

Do you even know that the tumor is real, or cancerous? Or is it just part of

her build up to take your attention away from your experience with your father

and his side of your family. Looks to me like she is playing you. Sorry, but

from an outsider point of view, it seems clear she is up to her old tricks.

I've seen many folks use the threat of " cancer " as a way to manipulate others

into pity or to keep them close.

There is a strange irony in that she many not be able to use her voice to say

mean and manipulative things....ever again. Maybe karma really does exist.

The question I have for you is, why did you sabatoge your own experience with

meeting your father by telling your sister? She has her own life and

experience. You don't have to be responsible or obliged to her regarding your

dad. She can establish or not establish contact with him. Her process is her

process. And it is really her choice. What you are doing is tough enough on you

emotionally and bringing anyone else into it who will complicate matters just

robs you of the full benefit of having your own, separate and unique experience.

You were very brave to visit your father and family after all this time. And

that alone had to take an emotional toll even if it was a totally positive

experience. Why add to that by introducing more complex dynamics by telling

your sister about it who will undoubtedly tell your mom? Then your mom has to

try to pull you back to her with her big cancer scare.

If I were you, and I'm not, but I would send nada some flowers and a get well

card, then go NC again. These BPD's are survivors and if they aren't

manipulating you to take care of them, they are manipulating someone.

Hang in there,

Jaye

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

The reason I shared with my sister about seeing our dad was beacause i felt the

need to be honest with her. We usually see each other on the weekend and I

didn't want to lie to tell her why I would be out of town. Also, it is HER dad,

too...I felt that she had the right to know.

I asked everyone here for advice when I was thnking about telling her, because I

was afraid she would tell nada. But most peple said to tell the truth.....and i

think i did the right thing in spite of it all.

But i think you are right, it's no coincidence that nada called me yesterday,

knowing where I was going.

Funny thing is, I cant send her flowers and a card, because she has refused to

give me her address. Told me to send my correspondence to people who really

wanted it.

Someone else mentioned the irony of her never being able to speak again to say

hurtful things......that karma is a bitch. I thought of that right after I got

off the phone with her.

Today, I am spending the day with my long lost family, and I am looking forward

to it.

I will definitely be updating you all, this has been one of the most pivotal and

most important times of my life. IM getting the TRUTH.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time

in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

> >

> > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> >

> > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> >

> > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

> >

> > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> >

> >

> > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> >

> > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> >

> > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> >

> > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> >

> > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

> >

> > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> >

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

Sorry if I sounded harsh....don't mean to. But I do think that as children of

bpd's we get very hung up on other people's interests and " being honest " with

everyone. You can have some privacy to your life and that is part of having

boundaries. You may think about the timing of sharing things. Perhaps telling

your sister after the experience rather than before. It is not lying - it is

discernment. It is setting yourself up to be safe and unencumbered by the

complex dynamics of the BPD family. If you tell her before you go, YOU end up

hurt when she can't keep your secret. And you put her under pressure to have to

withhold something from nada. This can be terribly difficult as well. Now she

has to be in conflict about whether or not to " be honest " with nada. Do you see

how the dynamic works? If you told her after your visit, well...she might be

hurt, but you would be safe from nada and her ploys, too. It is a choice to

protect yourself and it is a tough one, no doubt. No right answer, just some

food for thought.

Glad you are having the opportunity to be with your father and his family. I

wish you the very best experience with them. Enjoy!

Jaye

> > >

> > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > >

> > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > >

> > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > >

> > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > >

> > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > >

> > >

> > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > >

> > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > >

> > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > >

> > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much,

I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > >

> > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > >

> > > ~Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jumping in here because I faced the issue of " being honest ='s FULL DISCLOSURE

ALL THE TIME " dynamic with Nada. Any time I didn't tell her everything up

front, and she somehow found out later, I was told I was " Disloyal " , " a liar " ,

" dishonest " , " manipulative " , etc. When I finally shared this with my therapist

(after about 6 months of seeing her weekly and I admit, I was even ashamed to

tell her about my feelings of NOT wanting to share everything with Nada because

I thought Therapist would " see me that way too. " ) she calmly said, " You are an

adult. You don't HAVE to share everything with your mother. Ever. It sounds

like she will use whatever you DO share, when the mood strikes, to wound you.

Don't forget those feelings. Having an adult life means NOT participating in

full disclosure on someone elses schedule. "

Oh. I had NO idea!!!!

I was suddenly " free " of all of that the moment she said it.

It's been easier to practice it knowing that is " how it is supposed to be " no

matter how much it goes against my environmental instincts.

The greatest benefit has been that what Nada doesn't know can't hurt me.

Lynnette - tossing in more persective in this thread (after last nights

contributions ;o) because I know where you, SaraJo, are coming from.

> > > >

> > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > >

> > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > >

> > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > >

> > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > >

> > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > >

> > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > >

> > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > >

> > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > >

> > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > > >

> > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

To h_l_maston, lynette, and diane....

I know what you mean.....When I figured out that nada doesn't need to know

EVERYTHING, it made things a lot different for me. That was the first step I

made when I was first realizing that my nada is probably BPD. When I stopped

telling her stuff, i thought it would make it easier...but she noticed that I

was leaving a lot of stuff out, and hence, I went NC.

To be honest, I don't care that my nada knows I'm seeing my dad. I knew my sis

would probably tell her. I guess I was at the point where I really am thinking

of myself and not worrying about what nada would say..i knew maybe i would get

an evil email from nada or something like that because of it.

The thing is, I was raedy for it....and nothing my nada would do or say could

prevent me from what I wanted to do.

I told my sister because I had a small hope that maybe she wanted to come with

me, and to be honest with her. She knows where I am right now, and when she gets

sick of nada's games again, she might want to talk to me about it, and I could

share with her my experience.

I don't know if this makes any sense........

Right now, I am seperating the two situations. I am being with my long lost

family, and i have a sick mom 10 hours away. The two aren't related, and I

don't have to tie the two together.

But, I do agree with you all when it comes to keeping certain information from

the nada and her " informants " . lol. This situation just felt different to me.

I hope you guys understand. Thank you so much for your support here...I raelly

need it.

~Sara Jo

> > > > >

> > > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> > > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > > >

> > > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake.

Not sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh?

Are you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad,

but she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to

puke....the PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of

my life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > > >

> > > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm

thinking of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > > >

> > > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > > >

> > > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > > > >

> > > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's so great that you are finally getting to know your dad and his side of

your family.

I find it interesting that although you mentioned in an earlier post that your

nada had pulled some pretty amazingly deceitful tricks to keep you and your

sister away from your dad and his family when you were kids (not showing up at

the agreed-upon rendezvous location at the right time) that injury she did to

you does not seem to be registering with you emotionally, now.

Seems to me that your nada phoned you to tell you about her current medical

situation for exactly the same purpose: she wanted to pull you away from

engaging with your dad and his family, if not physically, then emotionally, by

filling you with guilt feelings for " abandoning " her.

But the truth is that your nada deliberately alienated you from your dad and his

side of the family, kept you from knowing them and loving them and having them

know and love you for all of your growing-up years. That was a truly cruel and

amazingly selfish thing to do to her own children. It was in effect treating

you and your sister as objects, as possessions that she owned.

She effectively isolated you and prevented you from developing a trusting

relationship with your dad and your paternal grandparents, whom you might have

felt safe talking with about the other cruelties you endured at her hands.

So, I'm suggesting that you might want to notice that you are now dwelling on

your nada's illness and not on her history of abusive behaviors toward you.

Its something to think about.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the

first time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about

a year.

> > > > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest

with her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she

called me today.

> > > > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake.

Not sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh?

Are you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad,

but she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she

is having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me

one more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may

never be able to speak again.

> > > > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I

said " I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said

yes, of course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to

puke....the PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of

my life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost

like I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm

thinking of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group

I wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing

and torturous as it is right now).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, Lynette, thanks for adding some more clarity to this issue of disclosure. I

also think it has to do with separation. Like my nada does not see me as a

separate adult from her and as I was growing up, not allowed to have ideas,

thoughts, etc separate from her. " Withholding " information is a way of

separating! And separating is a threat to them. Whoa!!!!

Thanks!

Jaye

> > > > >

> > > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> > > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > > >

> > > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake.

Not sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh?

Are you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad,

but she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to

puke....the PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of

my life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > > >

> > > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm

thinking of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > > >

> > > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > > >

> > > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > > > >

> > > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

I have a bpd dil who uses our 10 month old grandson as a pawn to emotionally

blackmail us and there are many others out there just like her. I belong to the

WTO grandparents group as well as this one, and those of us there who are

mothers of sons married to bpd dils undergo such offensiveness and we grieve

over the way our dils control and manipulate the children against us. Its heart

wrenching to have your son and grandchildren ripped away from you because the

bpd views them as HER possessions.

I cannot help but put myself in the shoes of your father's family right now and

try to view things from their perspective. If what they told you is true, then

they would have felt or displayed a huge burden was lifted from their hearts and

I imagine tears would have been shed as well at the sense of relief for finally

being able to share the truth with you after all those years.

It makes me angry that your mother tried to manipulate you again as you traveled

to visit your paternal family and that one phone call proves to me everything

they said about her tactics was probably true.

It also makes me doubt whether your nada even has a tumor in her throat.

When the dust settles, I hope you'll maintain contact with your paternal family.

There's a lot of lost time to make up for.

2

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

jaye,

I think you're right. Withholding information is a way of separating from nada.

I used to feel guilty. Now I don't feel guilty at all. She can't be trusted to

hold my confidence. She tells the world and uses it to her benefit, obsesses

about it or throws it in my face. By not telling her anything other than the

weather is nice or the dogs are fine, it keeps me at a safe distance from her

and I feel like I am my own person. I like my new found freedom. She doesn't

like, but I don't care.

Abby

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the

first time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about

a year.

> > > > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest

with her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she

called me today.

> > > > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake.

Not sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh?

Are you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad,

but she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she

is having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me

one more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may

never be able to speak again.

> > > > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I

said " I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said

yes, of course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to

puke....the PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of

my life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost

like I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm

thinking of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group

I wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing

and torturous as it is right now).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

2,

Does your son know your dil has BP?

Abby

> >

> > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time

in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

> >

> > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> >

> > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> >

> > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

> >

> > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> >

> >

> > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> >

> > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> >

> > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> >

> > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> >

> > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

> >

> > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> >

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Abby,

No he has no idea what he's dealing with. Our counselor determined this

diagnosis after all the consistent horror stories we've told her about our dil.

Before we found out about bpd, we tried last summer to talk to son about all the

offensive things she's done towards us. He then informed us of all the false

accusations she had against us...taking offense where none was

intended...projecting her behaviors onto us etc. He said he'd have to take a

look at some things. No changes occurred.

In March he and I had a similar conversation. This time he had nothing to

say...I think he's been forbidden to ever discuss her with us. All he said was

that I needed to talk to her myself. I told him I've tried to do that twice,

both times got very ugly and I will never put myself in that situation again.

Since then he's started bringing the baby around to see us while she works. Its

like a breathe of fresh air, for I'm able to love on both of them freely without

her negative, critical, possessiveness.

I just sent them a text to see if they're available for a FD cookout. No reply.

Probably created WW3 for my son. He's gotta be seeing a pattern eventually that

she wants nothing to do with us. I've even warned him twice that she won't rest

until we're totally out of his life.

Whether the bpd is your mother, child or inlaw...its never easy dealing with

them.

2

> > >

> > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > >

> > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > >

> > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > >

> > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > >

> > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > >

> > >

> > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > >

> > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > >

> > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > >

> > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much,

I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > >

> > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > >

> > > ~Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like a difficult situation to be in. You want to help your son, but

like the rest of us in a relationship with a BP, until he " sees " the situation

for what it is, he will continue to live with it and her.

Abby

> > > >

> > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > >

> > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > >

> > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > >

> > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > >

> > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > >

> > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > >

> > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > >

> > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > >

> > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > > >

> > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

SaraJo - you acted logically and kindly in telling your sister about the visit

with your dad. Now that you KNOW she will pass on information to Nada - even

after you specifically asked her not to - will you change your approach? I can

understand why you might want to keep the channels of communication open with

her, especially when you're finding out important info about your childhoods.

However, I think she totally sold you out. You should not have had to undergo

all that drama on the way to your visit, and I agree with everybody else who

said it was a ploy, whether or not your mom is really sick. The multiple text

messages, etc. - they really had to work hard to get the old vortex swirling

hard enough to pull you in! A Nada is what she is - her reaction was pretty

predictable. But I really have a beef with your sister for betraying you that

way.

I hope you can construct some kind of information wall so you can visit your

long-lost relatives in peace, and that all these new relationships will be

healthy and happy, and will help to counter-balance the Nada/Sis drama! -

>

> Dear ,

> The reason I shared with my sister about seeing our dad was beacause i felt

the need to be honest with her. We usually see each other on the weekend and I

didn't want to lie to tell her why I would be out of town. Also, it is HER dad,

too...I felt that she had the right to know.

> I asked everyone here for advice when I was thnking about telling her, because

I was afraid she would tell nada. But most peple said to tell the truth.....and

i think i did the right thing in spite of it all.

> But i think you are right, it's no coincidence that nada called me yesterday,

knowing where I was going.

>

>

> Funny thing is, I cant send her flowers and a card, because she has refused to

give me her address. Told me to send my correspondence to people who really

wanted it.

>

> Someone else mentioned the irony of her never being able to speak again to say

hurtful things......that karma is a bitch. I thought of that right after I got

off the phone with her.

>

> Today, I am spending the day with my long lost family, and I am looking

forward to it.

>

> I will definitely be updating you all, this has been one of the most pivotal

and most important times of my life. IM getting the TRUTH.

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

>

> > >

> > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > >

> > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > >

> > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > >

> > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > >

> > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > >

> > >

> > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > >

> > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > >

> > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > >

> > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much,

I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > >

> > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > >

> > > ~Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Abby,

Yes and I can't say anything negative about her to him anymore, he doesn't want

to hear it. I think he's ashamed he's gotten himself into such a mess and

doesn't want us to know how bad it is...and I know he's afraid of her...I've

seen the looks on his face. He's even developed a phony nervous laugh that he

never had prior to marriage. Its a hard thing to watch from a distance, knowing

she is what she is and he has no clue. We just have to try keeping the focus on

him and the baby and love them unconditionally, so that when he's ready to reach

out for help, he'll know we love him and he can come to us for help. He's got a

good head on his shoulders, and I'm sure he's probably thinking she's just a PMS

queen...but in time he'll see the patterns and cycles for what they are. We

took him to counseling when he was a rebellious teen so he knows how to walk

thru those doors in search of help too. Right now he works full time and

overtime and plays Mr Mom at home as well. She works part time and is very

narcissistic so all her free time goes to looking pretty.

My son took 5 weeks off work when the baby was born and she didn't change one

diaper during that time. I've seen the long lists of chores he has to do while

she works, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, bathroom etc...on his only day off. He's

very skinny as he never gets a moments of rest. But he's a great daddy and

adores his little boy. I'm sure she'll use that little boy against him when he

finally decides enough is enough. Very sad situations we all face.

2

> > > > >

> > > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> > > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > > >

> > > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake.

Not sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh?

Are you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad,

but she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to

puke....the PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of

my life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > > >

> > > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm

thinking of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > > >

> > > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > > >

> > > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > > > >

> > > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo,

I just posted my situation in a post called, " Need Some Help " , please read it,

we have a lot in common! What nut jobs we have for mothers.

Can I get your perspective on my situation with my dad and what you would do if

you were me?

I have no idea what I would do if I were you. I'm tempted to say, don't call

your mom b/c she will start to suck you back in. You know you love her and wish

her the best in the surgery, maybe that's enough. Maybe you don't have to tell

her b/c it won't be enough. She'll want more.

Good luck. Please email me if you want to chat about our screwed up situations.

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Traci.....

Thanks for your reply...but I didn't ask my sister not to tell NADA. I didn't

think it was my place to tell her what she could tell people..even nada. It's

her business, and it was a risk I had to take i n order to be honest and

respectful to my sister. And I do not regret telling her. I have a small feeling

that my sister may ask me about my trip to see dad this weekend. I will have to

decide later if I will confide in her about it, because now I'm not sure if she

would be trying to reach out and find the truth, or if she is fishing for info

for mom. I will cross that bridge if/when I come to it. And I will probably ask

you guys for advice if the time comes, lol.

I do know to be cautious, and there are tons of things that i don't tell my

sister because I am afraid she will tell mom. I NEVER confide to my sis abuot

other problems I have, because i don't want nada to ever have the satisfaction

of knowing I was unhappy even for a second....it will give her vindication

somehow.

Anywho.....you are right, i do need to find a type of filter, i just have to

figure out what is safe and what isn't to share with my sister. if i see that

she is trying to think for herself instead of thinking for mom, i may decide to

share more with her.

On another note, this weekend with my dad and family has been a life changing

experience. When it all finally sinks in i will share on here.

Thank you all so much for listening and being here.

~Sara Jo

~Sara JO

> > > >

> > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> > > >

> > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> > > >

> > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> > > >

> > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> > > >

> > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> > > >

> > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> > > >

> > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> > > >

> > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> > > >

> > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> > > >

> > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo......its so good to see you back on here...I have missed you!!!

Your story is so similar to mine. My nada kept my bio dads existence a secret

from me for 25 years and then when I found out she insisted that she be involved

with our " reunion " . I told her I would....then when she was in Mexico for a

month I met my bio dad WITHOUT her. That was 13 years ago and LONG before I

knew about BPD.

Your mom calling you after a year is no coincidence as you already know. She is

probably in a freakin panick with you meeting back up with your dad/family and

her abandonment issues are in full force.....leaving her no other tools/weapons

but to scare the shit out of you into coming back to her with her latest health

concerns. Send flowers or not, then run, don't walk, back to NC!!!

As for your sister.....you have to let her go as well. I have lost both a

mother and a sister to BPD just as you have. I knew damn good and well that it

would play out that way. She like my sister is going to have to cross her

bridge....hoe her road. She will get her fill of your nada then she will come

running....believe me!!! We can't blame them for their actions now...as they

are basking the glow of the " golden " child. Remember Sara Jo we were all

starved of a mothers love and attention. We were fortunate enough to dodge the

BP bullet and are healthy enough to know what healthy truly is. We, you and I,

are lucky girls and have husbands that need and love us now...our sisters don't.

Just think......you will mostly likely be a mother someday (?) and like me will

learn what true love is when holding that baby in your arms, and then seeing

them off to fly into the world....healthy, confident, loved.

I have learned so much from BPD.....2 years NC in August (yeah me). It is not

an easy thing to do, and I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone...but it is what we

must do in order to survive BPD and thrive!!!

I am so proud of your growth Sara Jo!!! Hang in there....drlingirl

>

> Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time in

almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not sure.

So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are you

going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but she

wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is having

removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one more

time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never be

able to speak again.

> She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I love

you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of course.

It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the PTSD

having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

>

> Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father and

his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

>

> I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID. She

strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I wouldn't

be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and torturous

as it is right now).

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

My gosh - I am reading yours and so many other messages on this board and am

overwhelmed at the common distress we are all experiencing - what an amazing

group of individuals all of you are! I hope this helps me find some grounding in

my own situation - one that is really tearing at my heart. Today is her birthday

and I was relieved when I called and she didn't answer the phone. How sad is

that and how bad does that make me?

Subject: Re: NADA called, broke NC. Met my dad. I am a mess.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, June 12, 2009, 11:45 PM

Sounds like your mom and sister wanted to make darn sure this visit was,

somehow, about THEM.

It wasn't. It will never be. Let them be the uninvited guest standing in the

yard. You don't have to let them have a place at your table right now. A

heart's journey doesn't need to turn into another version of, " The Mad Hatter's

Tea Party. "

Lynnette

> >

> > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time

in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

> >

> > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> >

> > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> >

> > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions... and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

> >

> > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> >

> >

> > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> >

> > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> >

> > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced. ..I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> >

> > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> >

> > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

> >

> > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> >

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The #1 thing I realized on this board was that BPD is an actual 'thing' as

evidenced by the COMMONALITIES we all have here. A group of random strangers

wouldn't have the same stories/experiences/childhoods... no-sir-ee... but here,

it's as if we're all the same KO's. When my therapist (given to me by Nada's

Dr's after she went nuts in a Dr's office) suggested the Nada is BPD, I knew

that her behaviors were 'something' but when I came here after the SWOE book and

saw all this, it took my breath away. I wasn't alone anymore.... there were

others. Finally.

As to your Nada's Bday? Oh heck... celebrate! No answer means she's found

someone else to fill her needs for the day. You called. Period. If she has

caller ID, she'll know. If she doesn't, oh well -YOU know. A few years ago, on

my Nada's 60 bday, she went on and on about how she wanted NOTHING... wanted me

to do NOTHING... period. I said, " MOm, if you ask me to do nothing, I'm not

responsible for your grief afterwards. I will do exactly what you're asking

for. " She said, " Ok, fine... " So, that year, I didn't do a thing. Within a

week she was crying, whining, telling everyone who would listen what a rotten

daughter I was. What she didn't know is that I covered my fanny and contacted

the people prior to let her know what she had requested. So, when she started

up, they said sweetly, " Well XXX, that's what you asked for, right? She's

simply respecting your wishes on your day... " Amazing. 3 years later she still

pulls the, " Well on (name anyone) Bday, XXX's kids threw a party/took out to

dinner, etc. YOU did nothing... " I just calmly say, " That is what you asked

for. I respected your Bday wishes. " She pouts.

So, dear KO, be glad you did your duty and have a fun day...

And you're not alone anymore 'o) We're all children of the nuthouse...

Lynnette

>

> > >

>

> > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

>

> > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

>

> > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

>

> > >

>

> > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

>

> > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

>

> > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

>

> > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

>

> > >

>

> > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

>

> > >

>

> > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions... and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

>

> > >

>

> > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

>

> > >

>

> > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

>

> > >

>

> > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced. ..I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

>

> > >

>

> > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

>

> > >

>

> > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much,

I couldn't have gone through today without him.

>

> > >

>

> > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

>

> > >

>

> > > ~Sara Jo

>

> > >

>

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're right, Lynnette. There was something so breathtakingly validating about

learning that my nada's behaviors constitute an actual mental disorder. And then

discovering that there are so many other people out there around the world who

have experienced virtually the same behaviors with their mothers... its just so

incredibly sad, and yet relieving to realize that my Sister and I are not alone.

-Annie

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first

time in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a

year.

> >

> > > > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with

her, it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called

me today.

> >

> > > > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she

doesn't want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did

it while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion

with my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my

heart was going to beat out of my chest.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> >

> > > > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> >

> > > > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said

" I love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> >

> > > > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my

life for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked

about my mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only

answered my questions... and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the

plain truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more

vindictive about it? Say mean things?

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my

father and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that

she is going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not

to mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like

I've reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused,

conflicted, or crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking

of her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am

AFRAID. She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced. ..I am

afraid of my mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon

(has a terminal illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so

much, I couldn't have gone through today without him.

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> >

> > > >

> >

> > > > ~Sara Jo

> >

> > > >

> >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I agree with --for borderlines, there is no such thing as " enough " . I read

in either SWOE or I Hate You--Don't Leave Me, that it was like feeding a

bottom-less pit.

Joy

> >

> > Some of you know that I was going to see my father today for the first time

in almost 15 years. Aside from that, I've been NC with nada for about a year.

> > I told my sister about meeting dad because I wanted to be honest with her,

it's her dad, too. I guess she leaked the info to mom, because she called me

today.

> > First she texted me, asking if it was ok that she call me, that she doesn't

want to upset me...that she just needs to tell me something. And she did it

while I was just starting on the road, I was looking forward to my reunion with

my father....and the message just made my stomach knot up and I thought my heart

was going to beat out of my chest.

> >

> > I told her it was ok for her to call. Maybe it was my fatal mistake. Not

sure. So she calls. She starts out by saying " so, you're going to WV, huh? Are

you going to see our old neighbors? etc " . She knew I was going to see dad, but

she wouldn't come out and say it for some reason.

> > She wanted to tell me that she has a tumor on her voicebox that she is

having removed next week, and that she wanted to tell me that she loves me one

more time, because after the surgery, there is a possibility that she may never

be able to speak again.

> > She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved her, too.When I said " I

love you too, mom " she said " really? I didn't know that " . And i said yes, of

course. It was a short talk...she sounded awful. It was sad.......

> > My heart was racing the whole time, I thought I was going to puke....the

PTSD having effect on my body. But I made it through the phone call.

> >

> > Then I drive up to see my dad. I meet him and his wife, and saw my

grandparents and my aunts again. they were all happy to see me. And glad to talk

to me and answer any questions I had. I learned that my mother DID keep us from

our father...and that she definitely had more than her share of keeping our

family apart. I told them about how my grandfather molested me, and how my mom

didn't do anything. I told them everything the best way I could without talking

too long. they told me things, too. I was always upset at my father because he

would no show us for visitation when we were kids. Truth was, he showed up

everytime, it's my MOM who didn't bring us and show up. She would take us to

meet him at the wrong time, so us kids would think that dad didn't show up and

didn't want to be with us.

> >

> > I know I don't know these people very well since they've been out of my life

for so long, but the reason I believe them is because while they talked about my

mom, they weren't vindictive. They weren't badmouthing her....they only answered

my questions...and they didn't say hateful things about her...only the plain

truth. I think that if they were lying to me, wouldn't they act more vindictive

about it? Say mean things?

> >

> > Now I am seriously conflicted. I am so happy to be reunited with my father

and his side of the family, but now I feel bad about mom. I feel bad that she is

going throguh this surgery next week and may lose her voice forever.(not to

mention the tumor may be cancerous). But at the same time, I think that she

wanted me to feel guilty for going to WV and " betraying her " by seeing dad. I

think there was a method there.

> >

> >

> > I have so many emotions going through me right now...It's almost like I've

reached my max. I didn't know a person could feel this confused, conflicted, or

crazy. I am finding out the truth but it hasn't sunk in yet.

> >

> > I am thinking about calling nada on Monday to tell her that I'm thinking of

her for the surgery, and that I hope things turn out all right.

> >

> > I'm not sure I can rekindle a relationship with her, because I am AFRAID.

She strikes fear into me like nothing I've ever experienced...I am afraid of my

mother and how she will make me feel. But she may be dying soon (has a terminal

illness over top the throat tumor). And I feel sad about that.

> >

> > I am so screwed up right now. Some good, some bad.

> >

> > On another note, my husband has been here with me, and I love him so much, I

couldn't have gone through today without him.

> >

> > thanks for reading, and for your help...if it wasn't for this group I

wouldn't be going throguh this important milestone in my life (as confusing and

torturous as it is right now).

> >

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>