Re: what to do with gifts

[Guest guest]

I give away 99% of what she sends. There is a Salvation Army not far from my

house, and I take things there.

>

>

> I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

> whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

> is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

> about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

> that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

> home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

> feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

> seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

>

> Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

> time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

>

> Thoughts?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If I can use it, I keep it. If I like it, I keep it. I often regift the stupid

stuff to my MIL who has been known to regift it back to me! She's another

story....

>

> >

> >

> > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

> > whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

> > is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

> > about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

> > that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> > household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

> > home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

> > feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

> > seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

> >

> > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

> > time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada mostly gives gifts that she'd like to receive with not

much thought as to whether the recipient will be equally

thrilled. Much of what she gives me winds up collecting dust

somewhere because I have no use or desire for it at all. I try

to encourage her to give me cash for Christmas and my birthday,

or failing that, bookstore gift certificates/cards. Sometimes

she actually does what I want, if Christmas is getting close and

she hasn't already bought me useless junk that she likes. She

seems unable to give me gift certificates for the bookstores I

actually shop at though. She gets gift cards for the store she

likes, where I almost never shop because I don't like paying

full price when I can avoid doing so. When she gives me

something I can use, I use it and ignore where it came from. She

generally doesn't give me anything personal enough for me to

feel uncomfortable using it. For all the trouble she's caused me

over the years, I figure I deserve any gift she gives me and

then some. That being said, if she started giving gifts without

a normal gift-exchange occasion or got excessive, I'd probably

give them away or turn them down as being attempts to manipulate

me. Also, if she gave me gifts that were more personal in

nature, I might have a harder time using them. I really don't

like her taste in decorating, so things like towels or flatware

that she picked out would almost certainly be a style totally

unappealing to me, so that kind of thing would probably get

returned if possible or somehow traded or given away.

At 04:26 PM 06/03/2009 climberkayak wrote:

>I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas -

>this is whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a

>set of bath towels. This is something you might use every day,

>on your very body. How would you feel about that? If they

>were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

>came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

>household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread

>throughout my home (my flatware is from her for example) and as

>I am working through my feelings in therapy using these things

>bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly

>unnecessary expense.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Oh Abby - I needed that laugh!!!

Thanks,

>

I often regift the stupid stuff to my MIL who has been known to regift it back

to me! She's another story....

[Guest guest]

,

 

I don't open anything from her.  She knows I want nothing to do with her. 

Anything she sends is unwanted and uninvited.

 

At a practical level, I know seeing whatever she sends me will just drive me

crazy.  I'll be wondering what her intentions were, why she sent me this and not

that and it will just go on and on.  It's much easier for me just not to know.

 

I think I would feel the same way as you do about having her gifts in my house. 

I don't need to get out of the shower and think about my mother everyday. 

Sometimes you need a break from all of that.  The emotions are really intense to

deal with and I think you really don't need them brought up all the time by the

environment you are in--the times they come up on their own or when you

deliberately choose to deal with them are really enough.

 

Just my thoughts,

Ashana_,_._,___

Cricket on your mind? Visit the ultimate cricket website. Enter

http://beta.cricket.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Haha! We are going to a wedding on Saturday. Overnight them to me lol

> > >

> > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that

they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type

gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is

from her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using

these things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly

unnecessary expense.

> > >

> > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

she didnt want to buy me what I really wanted... I used to feel guilty for

wanting to give away a gift she got me but I refused to wear/use it but just

couldn't bear the thought of giving it away. I was paranoid that " what if she

asked to see it or borrow it or asked where it was " . I am trying to get over

that and purge the unneeded and unwanted things.

>

Shanon - SO RIGHT - if you feel so guilty you don't pass on, or throw out, the

stuff you don't want, and it sits there, taking up space, collecting dust, and

reminding you how much Nada disregards your wishes, how much her gift-giving is

about controlling you - you become the miserable and bitter curator of Nada's

Unwanted Gift Museum. Far, far better to just get rid of it. If she challenges

you, you tell her that a gift is just that - it belongs to the recipient, no

strings attached. Anything other than a treasured family heirloom may be

re-gifted, sold, given to Goodwill, or burned in the back yard. She has the

option of not giving you anything else. That works, too. -

[Guest guest]

I'm starting to regift things to my npd/bpd dil

2

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

> > > whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels.

This

> > > is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you

feel

> > > about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

> > > that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> > > household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

> > > home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

> > > feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

> > > seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

> > >

> > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

> > > time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Curious what your nadas do about the gifts you've given them?

Mine inspects it for flaws like the quality control inspector and gives it back

to me. So this year for her b'day, she got a great big NOTHING. Oh did that

feel like freedom to be out from under her little game playing.

2

>

> I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is whether

you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This is

something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel about

that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type gifts

to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is from

her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using these

things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly unnecessary

expense.

>

> Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard time

eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

>

> Thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm not NC either and am trying (perhaps hopelessly) to maintain a balance and

keep peace. I'm lucky that I live far away so I don't have your closet

situation, but you better believe if my nada or other FOO members came to see me

they'd be looking for their gifts. Sometimes years later they ask me what I'm

doing with a gift they gave me I long forgot about. I stick them in drawers for

the most part but my apartment is beginning to resemble as someone put it Nada's

Unwanted Gift museum. The items that were given to me years ago that I put

into use have got me thinking anew. Like Ashana said I don't really need the

reminders...yet I wish I could just accept a gift if it was nice and enjoy it.

I've tried requesting particular things like DVD's or CD's - less personal

hoping they'd just give me that, but then they give me that AND more personal

home use/decorating type stuff.

I'm currently thinking about telling them I have entered an anti-materialism

kick and that I want no more gifts only donations to charity made in my name.

Think it would work?

> >

> > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is whether

you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This is

something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel about

that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type gifts

to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is from

her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using these

things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly unnecessary

expense.

> >

> > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This gift thread is fascinating to me - another thing I had no idea was

common to so many nadas - I thought it was just my nada.

My nada too has given me gifts that I did not want most of my life often

something she would like. I have an entire jewelry box full of very high

quality jewelry that she gave me as a kid, adolescent and young adult. I

have NEVER been one to wear jewelry. She finally stopped giving me jewelry

for the most part as she never sees me wear any of it. My 10 year old

daughter saw all of my jewelry the other night when I was looking for

something else. She was asking why I never wear any of it. I just said

" Mommy doesn't really like jewelry. " She asked why I had it then. And I said

" Well, Grandma gave most of it to me. " She said something like why did she

give you all this jewelry if you don't like jewelry? Very good question!!

Even my 10 year old got it in one brief interaction.

It is also like a huge unspoken rule that we never give away or get rid of

something nada gave to us. There was all this stuff I was basically keeping

around until she dies. Then it started to get out of hand with kids because

she (and my husband's mother) had given them sooooo much stuff. So we have

begun to get rid of stuff as they outgrow it. Nada pouted about it

initially, but not so much now. This thread is making me want to go clean

out our basement and donate some of the junk we have been storing but not

using that nada gave us a long time ago.

Nada's gifts tend to be large (she would say " generous " ) so I have tried to

direct her toward things for us and the kids that we might actually use or

need - and sometimes she complies, sometimes not. This year I turned 40 and

she was really ticking me off because she was making it all about her (as

many of you can imagine) and what she wanted to do. I figured for a gift I

would end up with another piece of jewelry, but she did surprise me by

getting me one of the things I had suggested to her.

I think I had wanted to believe that underneath the weirdness there was a

desire for her to be generous or to show her love by giving big gifts, but

I'm not really sure of anything she does anymore.

my

>

>

> I'm not NC either and am trying (perhaps hopelessly) to maintain a balance

> and keep peace. I'm lucky that I live far away so I don't have your closet

> situation, but you better believe if my nada or other FOO members came to

> see me they'd be looking for their gifts. Sometimes years later they ask me

> what I'm doing with a gift they gave me I long forgot about. I stick them in

> drawers for the most part but my apartment is beginning to resemble as

> someone put it Nada's Unwanted Gift museum. The items that were given to me

> years ago that I put into use have got me thinking anew. Like Ashana said I

> don't really need the reminders...yet I wish I could just accept a gift if

> it was nice and enjoy it.

>

> I've tried requesting particular things like DVD's or CD's - less personal

> hoping they'd just give me that, but then they give me that AND more

> personal home use/decorating type stuff.

>

> I'm currently thinking about telling them I have entered an

> anti-materialism kick and that I want no more gifts only donations to

> charity made in my name. Think it would work?

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

> whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

> is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

> about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

> that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

> home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

> feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

> seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

> > >

> > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real

> hard time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm NC (newly NC), so I have not been down this path, yet. My nada's birthday is

coming up this weekend (June 6th), but I will not be sending gifts. My new NC

action caused tumultuous reactions from Nada's family that my sending a gift was

cause more uproar at this time.

Anyhow, I suppose if Nada sent me things; I would regift it, or give it to

charity.

I also want to add that after going NC, I took a bunch of jewelry she gave me in

the past, and sold it at a gold for cash store. They test the jewelry to see

it's value; and you get an estimation. And then you can get cash. I went that

route and it felt liberating. Also, I'm going to bring other things that I don't

need that she gave me that I cannot regift at all that I don't need anymore

(nonflammable things like cards or paper items)...and I'm going to use bits of

it to help fuel a Beach Bonfire BBQ I will be having soon. I'm asking others to

come and bring things they don't want or need anymore. It will be a symbolic,

" cleansing " day.

-Joy

>

> I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is whether

you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This is

something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel about

that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type gifts

to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is from

her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using these

things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly unnecessary

expense.

>

> Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard time

eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

>

> Thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

the gifts my nada has given to me over the years were so bizarre unuseful

and not me, I've never kept them..I either throw them away ( because usually

it's junk) or give it to the goodwill

Jackie

I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is whether

you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This is

something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

Thoughts?

[Guest guest]

This seems to be a common thread, the giving of gifts (sometimes expensive ones)

to their adult children that the KO neither wants nor needs, or that are so not

their taste/size as to be unusable.

I too was becoming the curator of the " Museum of Unwanted Gifts " .

To me, again, it seems that the bpd substitutes giving the symbols of love for

the feeling and expression of real love, because they can't or won't give

kindness, respect, patience, tenderness, time, joy, etc.

They don't, or can't, actually feel those things and give them to another

person, so they substitute " things " instead.

But, because the bpd thinks of her children as extensions of herself (instead of

as separate human beings with their own tastes and needs) then, she gives gifts

that *she* would want to receive.

More and more I'm getting the impression that its like expecting a blind person

to see, or a deaf one to hear.

It would be an interesting experiment, though: whenever (or if) any of our bpd

moms actually ask us what we would like to have by way of a gift for a birthday

or whatever, to reply, " I just want you to treat me kindly, mom. " Or something

along those lines. I'm afraid that would get me a blank stare, and then would

trigger either a rage or a crying jag because I'd " attacked her. "

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

> > whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

> > is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

> > about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

> > that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> > household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

> > home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

> > feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

> > seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

> > > >

> > > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real

> > hard time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > > >

> > > > Thoughts?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ! I'm starting to do that. Back in November after our latest BAD

fight, I cleaned the garage. I went through every box, every rubbermaid tote,

everything!...and threw over 9 bags of things away. It felt so good to just

start tossing stuff away. Things she had given me that I just held on to " just

in case " . I think I need to do that again...soon!

> >

> she didnt want to buy me what I really wanted... I used to feel guilty for

wanting to give away a gift she got me but I refused to wear/use it but just

couldn't bear the thought of giving it away. I was paranoid that " what if she

asked to see it or borrow it or asked where it was " . I am trying to get over

that and purge the unneeded and unwanted things.

> >

> Shanon - SO RIGHT - if you feel so guilty you don't pass on, or throw out, the

stuff you don't want, and it sits there, taking up space, collecting dust, and

reminding you how much Nada disregards your wishes, how much her gift-giving is

about controlling you - you become the miserable and bitter curator of Nada's

Unwanted Gift Museum. Far, far better to just get rid of it. If she challenges

you, you tell her that a gift is just that - it belongs to the recipient, no

strings attached. Anything other than a treasured family heirloom may be

re-gifted, sold, given to Goodwill, or burned in the back yard. She has the

option of not giving you anything else. That works, too. -

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ! I'm starting to do that. Back in November after our latest BAD

fight, I cleaned the garage. I went through every box, every rubbermaid tote,

everything!...and threw over 9 bags of things away. It felt so good to just

start tossing stuff away. Things she had given me that I just held on to " just

in case " . I think I need to do that again...soon!

> >

> she didnt want to buy me what I really wanted... I used to feel guilty for

wanting to give away a gift she got me but I refused to wear/use it but just

couldn't bear the thought of giving it away. I was paranoid that " what if she

asked to see it or borrow it or asked where it was " . I am trying to get over

that and purge the unneeded and unwanted things.

> >

> Shanon - SO RIGHT - if you feel so guilty you don't pass on, or throw out, the

stuff you don't want, and it sits there, taking up space, collecting dust, and

reminding you how much Nada disregards your wishes, how much her gift-giving is

about controlling you - you become the miserable and bitter curator of Nada's

Unwanted Gift Museum. Far, far better to just get rid of it. If she challenges

you, you tell her that a gift is just that - it belongs to the recipient, no

strings attached. Anything other than a treasured family heirloom may be

re-gifted, sold, given to Goodwill, or burned in the back yard. She has the

option of not giving you anything else. That works, too. -

>

[Guest guest]

What mine typically does is if it's an occasion that I get her a gift and she's

not expecting anything, she is overjoyed with what I got her and really

cherishes it. If it's an occasion that she knows she is going to get gifts,

most of the time she acts like she likes it but its almost like she is not

satisfied and its not enough. I sometimes wonder too if the gifts we get her -

if she just keeps it around so it looks like she likes it...who knows...

> >

> > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is whether

you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This is

something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel about

that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type gifts

to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is from

her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using these

things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly unnecessary

expense.

> >

> > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm in the same boat with you - trying to keep the peace. I live 2 1/2 hours

away from her but I just fear it when she visits.

That's a good thought to have them donate to charity but let's face it, it wont

happen.

> > >

> > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that

they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type

gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is

from her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using

these things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly

unnecessary expense.

> > >

> > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If I asked my nada for kindness for my birthday, she would completely spazz out

and say I am ungrateful and she can't believe I don't think she's kind and she

does all these nice things for me and nothing is ever good enough for me...yada

yada yada...eye roll eye roll eye roll...

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

> > > whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels.

This

> > > is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you

feel

> > > about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care

> > > that they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> > > household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my

> > > home (my flatware is from her for example) and as I am working through my

> > > feelings in therapy using these things bother me. Yet to replace it all

> > > seems like a really silly unnecessary expense.

> > > > >

> > > > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real

> > > hard time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone

else.

> > > > >

> > > > > Thoughts?

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

exactly !! I have always loved horses and dogs..but have never once gotten

a gift from them that had anything to do with horses or dogs, although she

did give me a cat scarf ( I really don't care for cats all that much,

although I have 2) when I was still giving gifts to nada, I should have

given her a pooper scooper

Jackie :-/

But, because the bpd thinks of her children as extensions of herself

(instead of as separate human beings with their own tastes and needs) then,

she gives gifts that *she* would want to receive.

More and more I'm getting the impression that its like expecting a blind

person to see, or a deaf one to hear.

It would be an interesting experiment, though: whenever (or if) any of our

bpd moms actually ask us what we would like to have by way of a gift for a

birthday or whatever, to reply, " I just want you to treat me kindly, mom. "

Or something along those lines. I'm afraid that would get me a blank stare,

and then would trigger either a rage or a crying jag because I'd " attacked

her. "

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Mine does this as well. It's like at a job I once worked where you only got

raises and good reviews for " exceeding expectations " . And with a nada or a

crazy job, even the ordinary expectations are absolutely insane. You might find

the study Annie posted about how an MRI showed that their brains don't register

receiving normally only giving. One time my nada went crazy on me because I

hadn't gotten her a Mother's Day gift a couple weeks after MD. I had sent her

a package with *multiple* gifts in it, but had not been able to get her the

particular thing she wanted - so she forgot that she got the package at all.

> > >

> > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that

they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type

gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is

from her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using

these things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly

unnecessary expense.

> > >

> > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You guys are making me laugh today - which is good. Nada always goes to the TJ

Max when she visits me. Every time she goes she buys me at least 2 or 3

tablecloths!

> > >I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas -

> > >this is whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a

> > >set of bath towels. This is something you might use every day,

> > >on your very body. How would you feel about that? If they

> > >were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

> > >came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical

> > >household type gifts to me so I have items like that spread

> > >throughout my home (my flatware is from her for example) and as

> > >I am working through my feelings in therapy using these things

> > >bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly

> > >unnecessary expense.

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This gift stuff is triggering all kinds of stuff with me. BBPA - Before

Borderline Personality Awareness I used to buy nada stuff all the time. I'd be

at a store and I'd see something and think " mom would really like that. " and I'd

buy it for her. Now that I think about it, I did that a lot. I guess I was

hoping that someway the gift would appease her or things would change and she'd

act like a mom. I'm not sure why I did it, but I was always on the look out for

something she might like.

Abby

> > >

> > > I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is

whether you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This

is something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel

about that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that

they came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type

gifts to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is

from her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using

these things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly

unnecessary expense.

> > >

> > > Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard

time eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've been NC for about a year now.

December of 2007 is really when I began the painful process of seperating from

my nada. She had already bought my Christmas presents. We hadn't spoken in a

couple weeks by the time Christmas was rolling around, and she tried to send her

presents to me with my siser. My sis was staying with me for xmas break and had

them in her car. I told her I didn't want them, and that it wasn't right for mom

to use her as a type of messenger. She took the presents back to mom, and for

several months, I heard nothing about it.

then, last july, 7 months later, she sends me some kind of email telling me that

she is moving out of state and wants things back from me that she gave me. and

she told me that she wanted me to take the christmas presents she got for me

because they were in the way and she needed to get them out before she moved.

I came to this board to ask what to do/how to respond. Someone suggested that I

tell her that I do not need them, and to politely suggest that she give the

presents away, which is exactly what I did.

I told her that I have enough stuff already, and that there are a lot of people

that would benefit from her donation. In the very few confrontations we have had

since then, she has thrown this in my face everytime. It ANGERED her that i

didnt accept her gifts. She couldnt stand it. After she moved, I asked my sister

for moms address to send her a card or something. When nada found out about my

request for her address, she sent me an email saying " i want no mail from you.

Send your letters to a homeless person, they would appreciate it " . There were

other things she said that had to do with my suggestion of donating my christmas

presents.

But how could any sane person expect someone to accept gifts from them after all

the trauma? after my nada berated me, turned the family against me, and went

months without speaking to me, why would I want presents from her?

She always tried to make me feel like I didn't deserve them anyway.

I had wisened up enough by then to know that there is no such thing as a " gift "

from nada. A true gift is given without expectation of anything in return.

Anything from nada would require payment, in more ways than one.

~Sara Jo

>

> I'm curious how do you all deal with gifts from your nadas - this is whether

you and NC or not. Let's say she gave you a set of bath towels. This is

something you might use every day, on your very body. How would you feel about

that? If they were nice towels would you just use them and not care that they

came from her? My nada has always tended to give practical household type gifts

to me so I have items like that spread throughout my home (my flatware is from

her for example) and as I am working through my feelings in therapy using these

things bother me. Yet to replace it all seems like a really silly unnecessary

expense.

>

> Tying this to Walking's post just previous to mine - I'd have a real hard time

eating those cookies. I might even give them away to someone else.

>

> Thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm just now learning that whether it seems silly or not, if it bothers me, then

I get rid of it.  I just threw out several sets of children's twin sheets for

this reason.  I'd never be able to use towels from my mother.  It would creep me

out to the core.