Re: Re: Having a difficult time

[Guest guest]

Real,

I do hope you are starting to feel better, but I hope you will pursue

getting a different therapist - one who works with BP patients and

understands the dynamics could likely make a huge difference - and give

you better tools to help you. I know it must seem daunting to face the

prospect of going to a new therapist, and starting from scratch when

you're already exhausted, but in the long term, it should prove worth

the effort. (I don't know where you live, but I found one through United

Behavioral Health [uS], you can search for a doc with specific areas of

expertise online at their web site. You should also be able to get your

" file " transferred - and you don't have to explain why you are changing

therapists to anyone except your insurance carrier).

Where you are just resonates with me, and I (((feel))) your weariness.

If you are dealing with illness, that alone can wear you down,

especially if it brings big changes in how you live your life. (I know

too well -- dealing with two chronic illnesses and tired a lot). If you

are coping with illness, being a parent to your kids more alone than not

(husband is loving and supportive - but not present much), and don't

have the safety net in your extended family but a black toxic hole

instead, it is no wonder you are worn down -- emotionally, physically,

spiritually. I know you can't just toss off your responsibilities and

all of your stressors, but right now, try to ease up on yourself where

you can.

I suspect that you are like me in that when you get knocked down, you

are used to picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and moving

forward. But each time, it gets a little harder, right? Especially

when you're physically affected, too. I'm coming to understand that I

haven't been moving beyond things at all, but suppressing them, and each

time something rears its ugly head, its getting harder and harder to

deal with. I'm just wondering if the same is happening to you...

I'm going back to see my therapist, and considering EMDR, to get rid of

the anxiety that keeps getting triggered. I hope you'll take a step

toward doing something for YOU. You deserve it.

Suzy

>

>

>

> DH will be home this weekend which will be good. I am starting to feel

> a little better, at least for now.

>

[Guest guest]

Real,

That's great advice from . To add one more " specialty " to look

for in a therapist, I also searched on " abuse, " since what we've all

been subjected to is emotional abuse. I was lucky to find a therapist

that deals in both PDs and abuse, as well as other issues, so he's a

great fit.

I'm going back to see him because after joining this group and reading

so many posts, I now have a much clearer picture of the impact that nada

has had on me - and the depth of that impact. I thought I had handled a

lot more than I really have, and I am now ready to dig out the deeper

parasites.

Take care of yourself.

Suzy

> You worded it well. Isn't it interesting how we all learned some

> similar 'survival methods'? There does come a time, it seems, when we

> need to turn around and take on some of those things head on, when we

> realize that our methods were good for helping us live through early

> trauma, but now - in our adult lives - we need and deserve better ways.

>

[Guest guest]

My theory is that abusive people and those with poor boundaries try basically

the same behaviors on everyone.  These aren't overt, but are small things. 

Healthy people don't give them what they want--they don't stroke their egos,

don't serve as great reflecting mirrors, and get bored when they drag on about

themselves.  Since they aren't getting what they want, they move on.  If you're

a KO or from an abusive family, you're often a lot more trained in how to

respond well to things that irritate, bore, or anger others and this is the red

light to take up a relationship with you.

Best,

Ashana

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[Guest guest]

I used to be like this, but then I started staring her right in the eye (

even though I was terrified) in an effort to NOT let her see how afraid I

was and that maybe she'd think I'd know what she was up to...

Jackie

I only recently realized I totally avoid eye contact with my mother. I

think it emboldens her, and I think I do it because I fear her more than I

even know. As a child, when I tried to look away from her, she would dig

her nails into my arms and force me to look in her eyes. I discovered that

if I focused on her eyebrows, she would think I was making eye contact. How

I hated those fucking eyebrows.

-Deanna

[Guest guest]

Annie, my nada did the same thing to me...only I developed a " wicked " eye,

and I could stare back at her with such hate in my eyes, it almost scared

HER , and she'd always comment that I always look at her with so much

hate...well, DUH !! I was terrified, but I was NOT going to let me betray

myself, so I'd glare at her. My sister couldn't do it, and she got exactly

what you did ...

Jackie

Yep, I have had those same experiences with my nada. When she was raging at

me, it was usually right in my face and she'd have a grip on my arms,

forcing to look her in the eyes while she was screaming at me and telling

what a horrible, bad, stupid, etc. person I was.

If I looked down in shame, she'd slap my face hard and scream " You LOOK at

me while I'm talking to you! " ( " talking " ...Ha!) Its hard to describe the

depth of misery I felt as I looked into my mother's eyes and saw nothing but

hatred and disgust there, and a scary not-there-ness. Her pupils would be so

dilated they were like black holes instead of eyes; I was terrified of her

eyes.

For a good deal of my late childhood/early teens, I could *not* make myself

look into other people's eyes, it was like a phobia. It took me a long, long

time to work my way back to where I could do that comfortably. It occurred

to me in retrospect that lowering the eyes is similar to the deferential,

submissive behavior that a low-status animal exhibits to the

alpha-individual in its pack. My nada taught me to be a cringing dog.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

yes, I did feel more empowered, she became " afraid " of me when I started

doing this, but only because my middle brother stood up to her ( I probably

would never have , but he lived through it and that gave me hope) this was

when I was around 11-12 years, and she was still smacking us around..he was

in high school and stared her down and threatend to smack her back if she

ever touched him again ( she started crying and saying no one loves her any

more !!) so I thought I'd try it..I was her height, and very athletic, and I

think the look in my eye worried her a little...as she didn't do it very

much to me after that..oh, she still tries to get away with it, but I refuse

to back down..and she generally breaks it off, then starts in on how I love

my pets more than her ( well, DUH !!)

Jackie

and????....

Did it make you feel more empowered? Did it make her less pushy?

[Guest guest]

I didn't start this until my brother threatened her for smacking him.. I was

11 or 12..her height, and very athletic..she probably knew I could do some

damage to her if I wanted... not that I would, since I'm not a violent

person, but I may have to protect myself from her beatings. And speaking of

the beatings, nada would go crazy once she started hitting, and just NOT

stop ..I mean, it wasn't 2-3 blows, it was more like 20-30 or more or until

we could get away from her, or she broke whatever she was hitting us

with...she used her metal hair brush on me once..it was from her " special "

vanity set her mother gave her...she started in hitting me with it, and the

handle broke, and boy did she get even madder, and went to find something

more sturdy, but I took off and hid...she kept calling to me, sweetly at

first, then very nastily , like I'd go to her while she's threatening to

kill me !! NOT ! then she'd be pissed at whoever she beat, for MAKING her

beat them, oh give me a break !! and she wouldn't speak to them for several

days..and if they entered the room she was in, sometimes she'd yell at them

to get out of her sight or she'd beat them again.

Jackie

Wow, you were brave! If I had dared to look at my nada that way I have no

doubt she would have been beaten me to within an inch of my life with dad's

belt. It would have been like " suicide via nada " to do that.

I think physical intimidation had a lot to do with our nada's ability to cow

us so thoroughly. She was always taller than me, and my little Sister was

and is a very small person.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Real,

is so right. About the total sum of what you are dealing with -

and each being plenty to bring you down. It's hard to keep us all

straight, but I'm the other mom dealing with both a lifelong struggle

with nada and 15 yrs of a son with ADHD. It is a constant, ongoing

struggle - always having to worry and be vigilant - always being " on. "

I do willingly give all the love and support I can to my son - I owe him

the best chance at life possible. I don't feel that I owe the same to

my life-suctioning nada - and if I ever did I've paid that debt many

many times over. Add to that facing two chronic illnesses - neither

curable - and not getting any younger. It was exactly that sandwich

situation that almost did me in recently, and why your situation so

resonates with me at the moment. It's why my anxiety attacks kicked in

- and I just felt that I could not keep going the way things were - the

foreseeable future just seemed like there was no relief in sight. I'm

still not where I want to be - and now know I have a much longer way to

go than I thought. That's why I'm heading back to my therapist. Please

hang in there. Take some time this weekend for yourself and work on

rebuilding your spirit. You have a " training partner " here.

- I'm so with you, too. It's nice to see someone else who

recognizes the effort it takes to parent a child with special needs.

You said it beautifully.

Suzy