Being alone with pain - Stubbed Toe

[Guest guest]

Since I suffer from chronic pain, which makes my memory bad and makes things

harder to remember and harder to do correctly, I have to focus x 10. My entire

strength, effort and concentration has to go into everything I do.

The problem with this overextending myself and pulling my focus string so tight

just to do day to day things, means that if anything, any normal, small,

inconvenience, confusion, stress, change, challenge, etc, basically just about

anything I am not totally 100% expecting happens, or comes my way, I fall apart.

This is so difficult at work. Like when I am working and they have a fire

drill. They expect everyone to participate. I understand the reason for the

drill, but the hustle, bustle, change in plan, confusion, loud sirens, flashing

lights, and the entire building taking the stairs and talking noisily, security

on the loud speaker telling everyone to be calm. I just freak out, have an

anxiety attack, and get so flustered and tense. My pain goes through the roof,

and I become frozen.

On the outside I look just fine and hear things like, " Go! " Or, " Move it! "

" Keep things going, now! "

The fire drill is just one of the more obvious and obnoxious events.

Sometimes I will walk all the way to the bathroom, only to find out it is being

cleaned and I am expected to go to another floor!

See, if I felt well, I'd probably go to the bathroom more often, but I wait so

long as to make it one trip instead of a few trips, then when I get there and

find the closure, I freak out. Now, I have to go to another bathroom, that is

overcrowded (because it is taking on the overflow from the closed restroom).

Again, people are lined up (I can't just stand there without getting hip pain),

and they're talking loudly in the echoing confined space (I get anxious when I

hear loud noises), and there is nothing I can do about it but wait.

These are two experiences I had recently.

The new experience coming up is that my department is having an all-hands

off-site team-building event. Woo whoo! Um, Not!

Hey, I live close to work for a reason. This event is 30 miles from my home.

The invitation said not to be late. Park on the lot, walk across the campus

(I'm assuming that means a few buidings away from the car). The 5 hour event is

outside, in the sun! I cannot be in the sun for any length of time. I get

horrible headaches. The event will be standing mostly, which I also cannot do.

Then, it will be all just to make some small talk with people who are usually

talking about me, or behind me, or making fun of me.

Then, ooh la la, after the 3 events they're having to build our teamly-ness,

we're having a lunch! Due to GI issues, I am very specific about what I can and

cannot eat. Hmm, that's odd. They all know this and yet they do not ask me

what I can eat or what they can serve for my benefit. Oh that's right, they

probably expect me to cart a huge backpack across the campus with Jade-food in

it. Now I'm a camel. Sigh.

After the lunch that I will more than likely not be able to eat there is a

scavenger hunt. That sounds like it is going to be very frustrating to me, to

find things that I don't even need to find. Finding my keys and finding the

event location and finding a parking space, etc, that's enough of a scavenger

hunt for me.

On top off all this, I will have to wear big sunglasses and a giant hat, which

will obstruct my vision just enough to frustrate me.

Whine whine, but it's all of these things that are so normal to others, that are

just utterly frustrating to me.

Jade