Re: what's real?

[Guest guest]

, I am nc with bpd mom and really can't remember, but I've known bpds who

would respond exactly like that.  It sounds like she has a lot of mixed

feelings--fear that you're ill, concern for you and wanting to help you get

better, just wishing things would be normal, even resentment at the illness

that's taking up so much time and energy and taking you away from her...There

are probably times she deals with the fear that you are not well by avoiding

thinking about it and pretending things are normal when they are not. 

It is probably all genuine in terms of her feelings.  Remember her present

reality is her constant reality and bpds have a fragmented identity.  They have

no ongoing sense of themselves or others as being constant through different

circumstances.  How she feels or thinks at one particular moment is how she

feels and thinks--there is no connection for her to how she has thought and felt

in the past.  I often think of bpds as being like magic eight-balls.  You shake

them and something else floating up to the top.  It is all real, but

disconnected from all of the other parts of them.  For you--as it would be for

most people--it is crazy-making to have her act and feel so differently from one

moment to the next.  For her, this is just normal.  It is how she always is

about nearly everything--only more so in this case because it is upsetting and

that makes it harder for her to hold onto her fragile sense of self.

I don't know how to protect your inner child from that.  Your inner child can't

help but want a mom who cares.  And your mom does seem to care, or I don't think

she would be reacting in the way that she is, but caring for her is very mixed

up with her own needs--her need for you to be there and her need to be loved by

you--and this takes away from her ability to care in an ongoing, uncomplicated

way.  I find it helps to know the reaction is not about me.  But I can't really

suggest much beyond that.

My basic sense about my bpd mom and sis is that they would care if they could,

and from time to time they can, but generally they simply can't.  Their needs

are just too great.

I guess you can also think of them like small children.  I don't know if you

have kids, but if you imagine a 2 or 3-year-old--they really do care about the

feelings of others and they like their parents and siblings, but mostly what

they want is to be loved and accepted and taken care of by them.  They spend

nearly all of their time and energy attending to their own needs and feelings,

because that is really all they can handle.  They can be altruistic and

empathetic, but they usually are just too self-focused to exercise it.  You

are wishing someone who is emotionally 2 or 3 could care about you in a

consistent way, and she can't.

You can enjoy it when it happens, I suppose, and understand that it sets off a

lot of feelings for your mom that she can't really handle--get your real support

elsewhere (which I imagine you probably do).  Your mom will never be able to

meet your emotional needs--ever, in any situation, about anything.  I know that

sucks, but we didn't all win the parent lottery.

I agree about telling her as little as possible.  As far as my bpd sister knows,

my life proceeds as placidly as a stream.  The worst things that ever happen to

me are frustrations at work and I am never troubled about anything more

significant than that.  Anything that actually bothers me at any kind of deep

level, I don't tell her about.  It's not that I think she will try to hurt me,

but that if I am vulnerable she can and, like a 2 year old, it's just too much

responsibility for her--she'll mess it up.  On top of that, if I am actually

troubled by something, the fact of my being troubled will upset her in and of

itself, and she may actually take that out on me when I am already vulnerable.

Best,

Ashana

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[Guest guest]

My nada behaves the exact same way. ANy time I have any kind of news, she is

either dismissive or goes completely opposite with her " caring support. " I too,

forget and let my guard down sometimes with her which just makes it all that

much worse when she shows her true colors again. I guess its a learning process

and I'm still in kindergarten.

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

[Guest guest]

my nada would go over board when I had something simple, like a cold, She

would call every day to find out if I'm OK, at 7am !! when something worse

happened, where was she ?? heaven only knows...

Jackie

My nada behaves the exact same way. ANy time I have any kind of news, she

is either dismissive or goes completely opposite with her " caring support. "

I too, forget and let my guard down sometimes with her which just makes it

all that much worse when she shows her true colors again. I guess its a

learning process and I'm still in kindergarten.

[Guest guest]

In my nada's case, I think she learned to mimic the appearance of emotions and

behaviors she didn't actually feel, but realized intellectually that she was

supposed to display.

Whenever nada was in a social situation and, say, congratulating the families at

a wedding or cooing over a new baby, or making solicitous inquiries about the

health and doings of others, etc., I could hear how eerie and phony she sounded.

I knew that afterward, on the ride home, nada would show her true feelings which

were usually denigrating and spiteful.

And like yours, everything about my nada was either too much or too little. The

bpd black-and-white thinking extended to all aspects of our relationship. I was

either scrutinized through a magnifying glass and every flaw and imperfection

was critiqued, or I was pushed away, told to leave her alone and go play outside

or something.

I was either wonderful or horrible, brilliant or stupid, adored or despised.

Being forced to adapt to the shifting quagmire of a mentally ill person's

emotions and warped reality is so damaging to a kid.

-Annie

>

> my nada would go over board when I had something simple, like a cold, She

> would call every day to find out if I'm OK, at 7am !! when something worse

> happened, where was she ?? heaven only knows...

>

> Jackie

>

>

> My nada behaves the exact same way. ANy time I have any kind of news, she

> is either dismissive or goes completely opposite with her " caring support. "

> I too, forget and let my guard down sometimes with her which just makes it

> all that much worse when she shows her true colors again. I guess its a

> learning process and I'm still in kindergarten.

>

[Guest guest]

most of the time I sent somewhere else to be so I wasn't in the same room as

nada...like she couldn't stand to be around us kids...and she never played

with us..never participated in any games...I heard she did the older ones,

but not me and not my sister..

Jackie

In my nada's case, I think she learned to mimic the appearance of emotions

and behaviors she didn't actually feel, but realized intellectually that she

was supposed to display.

Whenever nada was in a social situation and, say, congratulating the

families at a wedding or cooing over a new baby, or making solicitous

inquiries about the health and doings of others, etc., I could hear how

eerie and phony she sounded. I knew that afterward, on the ride home, nada

would show her true feelings which were usually denigrating and spiteful.

And like yours, everything about my nada was either too much or too little.

The bpd black-and-white thinking extended to all aspects of our

relationship. I was either scrutinized through a magnifying glass and every

flaw and imperfection was critiqued, or I was pushed away, told to leave her

alone and go play outside or something.

I was either wonderful or horrible, brilliant or stupid, adored or despised.

Being forced to adapt to the shifting quagmire of a mentally ill person's

emotions and warped reality is so damaging to a kid.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

OMG, Annie, it is like we were in the very same car! Quagmire is exactly what

I'd describe what I feel I am coming up out of. Thank you for sharing! I am so

very surprised to read everyone's contributions and know that I'm not crazy. It

is as if finally there are others who see the samethings I do/did. Thank you

for validating Iam not crazy; it isn't me.

Jenna

> >

> > my nada would go over board when I had something simple, like a cold, She

> > would call every day to find out if I'm OK, at 7am !! when something worse

> > happened, where was she ?? heaven only knows...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > My nada behaves the exact same way. ANy time I have any kind of news, she

> > is either dismissive or goes completely opposite with her " caring support. "

> > I too, forget and let my guard down sometimes with her which just makes it

> > all that much worse when she shows her true colors again. I guess its a

> > learning process and I'm still in kindergarten.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes!

" Whenever nada was in a social situation and, say, congratulating the families

at a wedding or cooing over a new baby, or making solicitous inquiries about the

health and doings of others, etc., I could hear how eerie and phony she sounded.

I knew that afterward, on the ride home, nada would show her true feelings which

were usually denigrating and spiteful. "

She always does this... I just disengage or call her on it now.

This topic makes my head spin.

LYnnette

> > >

> > > my nada would go over board when I had something simple, like a cold, She

> > > would call every day to find out if I'm OK, at 7am !! when something

worse

> > > happened, where was she ?? heaven only knows...

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > > My nada behaves the exact same way. ANy time I have any kind of news, she

> > > is either dismissive or goes completely opposite with her " caring

support. "

> > > I too, forget and let my guard down sometimes with her which just makes it

> > > all that much worse when she shows her true colors again. I guess its a

> > > learning process and I'm still in kindergarten.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

AJ,

I used to think this too, but after being beaten down and disappointed SO

many times, I started ( finally) thinking that no, she really doesn't care

about me..its just a ploy to get information out of me that she can 1) use

against me later, twisted all around and/or 2) information she can share

with relatives when they ask about me so as to appear like we have a good

relationship...and no, I don't think nada cares about anyone but herself.

My nada has more than 3 faces..

Jackie

The hardest part for me is that when she pretends to care, I actually think

that this might be the time where she really WILL care. That she really WILL

give a **** about me and then....she goes off on some narcisstic tangent and

then that is when the real nada appears. The fake one, or the Three Faces of

Eve (love the analogy, by the way!) makes a guest appearance once in a

while, but the real nada always finds a way to come out sooner or later.

Does my nada even care about me? About my uncle or aunt's well being? I

don't think she really cares about anyone but herself. And once I accept

that my life will be easier to deal with. I just have to accept that she

comes with her 3 faces.

AJ

[Guest guest]

My nada usually goes on and on about how whatever I have will 'just go away' and

tell me in detail to do absurd things to 'fix the problem' or she will say " I'm

feeling worse " and go on and on about how SHE'S feeling and make me feel like

what I'm feeling doesn't matter only what SHE feels does.

People who don't know her all tell me how 'sweet she is' and 'how caring' and

'how beautiful inside AND out'. Those who have gotten to know her well or are

perceptive know she is a handful, but most since she is 88 now just expect me to

bite the bullet and accept what she says with 'oh well'.

Marilyn

[Guest guest]

,

I've experienced the same. My take on it was that nada's little world was rocked

because there really may have been something wrong with me and she couldn't

handle it for whatever reason. I think all three of your nada's responses are

very much real - for her.

Abby

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I've experienced the same. My take on it was that nada's little world was rocked

because there really may have been something wrong with me and she couldn't

handle it for whatever reason. I think all three of your nada's responses are

very much real - for her.

Abby

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly AJ, that's how I feel too. Sometimes I think maybe if something bad

enough or scary enough happens, then maybe she'll finally care. I know this is

dangerous thinking that could subconsciously affect me in bad ways so I try to

fight it. Sometimes I think maybe the bad event was too big for her to handle

so she " went numb " (that's a phrase she uses herself) or sometimes I think maybe

it was too small and I'm expecting too much. In the end, we just can't expect

it and she can't consistently be there. I guess the thing that haunts me is

whether the small amount of caring she does show is a complete act or not. The

thought that it is still hurts more than I can say.

That situation with your uncle sounds like it certainly revealed your nada's

complete self-centeredness...like she's not even trying to hide it. Did your

uncle recover okay? I say good for your aunt that she knows who she wants to be

near her in a crisis though that must have been awful for her when your mother

insisted anyway.

About the three faces..I hate to even say it but sometimes I wonder if she has

multiple personalities. Not fully formed ones with different names but maybe

just half-formed ones. Anybody know much about that?

> > >

> > > So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests

and worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

> > >

> > > So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount

the displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

> > >

> > > Thanks all,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> All the different faces and nada's convenient memory

> " lapses " sometimes had me wondering if she wasn't in fact a multiple

> personality. I think I even said as much to her once - and her

> response: " Oh. Really? " It's all real - real sick, that is.

>

> Suzy

>

Suzy, the big memory lapses have made me wonder as well. She doesn't remember

many significant events from my childhood. In more recent times she doesn't

remember me having an MRI for a suspected brain tumor. You'd think a mother

would remember something like that...a mother who was paying attention, a mother

whose concern at the time was genuine. What did you make of the " Oh. Really? "

? I would be confuzzled by that.

[Guest guest]

>> It is probably all genuine in terms of her feelings.  Remember her present

reality is her constant reality and bpds have a fragmented identity.  They have

no ongoing sense of themselves or others as being constant through different

circumstances.  How she feels or thinks at one particular moment is how she

feels and thinks--there is no connection for her to how she has thought and felt

in the past.  I often think of bpds as being like magic eight-balls.  You shake

them and something else floating up to the top.  It is all real, but

disconnected from all of the other parts of them.  For you--as it would be for

most people--it is crazy-making to have her act and feel so differently from one

moment to the next.  For her, this is just normal.  It is how she always is

about nearly everything--only more so in this case because it is upsetting and

that makes it harder for her to hold onto her fragile sense of self.

The parent lottery...yeah, I'm not even sure if I got a ticket. I hope you are

right even believing there is something real there. I'd like to think so but

have my doubts. You mention the fragmented self - how close do you think this

is to DID or MPD? I have had past therapists say they think she may be a

narcissist and some say borderline...and of course she herself is never

voluntarily going near any mental health professional!

>

> I agree about telling her as little as possible.  As far as my bpd sister

knows, my life proceeds as placidly as a stream.  The worst things that ever

happen to me are frustrations at work and I am never troubled about anything

more significant than that. 

That's a great strategy though I'm sorry that you have to do that with your

sister. Part of the tragic cost of this disease seems that it makes being close

unsafe even when their intentions aren't negative. I'm going to work on my

placid life story too.

Thanks,

[Guest guest]

Jennesis11, that sounds wise - in the end we have to count on our support coming

from other *sane* people. I've been working on moving in that direction but

there's still a part of me that has a hard time completely letting go on that

hope. Thanks for the empathizing - yes, it's been hell to be afraid for myself

and have nada-stress both. I hope to use this as a wake-up call because it's

time to stop giving her as much power as she's got in my life.

peace and strength,

> >

> > So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

> >

> > So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

> >

> > Thanks all,

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

I wanted to add that how much your mother cares about you does not have to do

with how much you are worth caring about.  It does not even have to do with how

much she thinks you are worth caring about.  It has to do with how much she is

capable of caring.  She is broken in that way.  Her care-parts just don't work

right.

Best,

Ashana

Share files, take polls, and make new friends - all under one roof. Go to

http://in.promos.yahoo.com/groups/

[Guest guest]

Thanks for saying that Ashana

>

> ,

>

> I wanted to add that how much your mother cares about you does not have to do

with how much you are worth caring about.  It does not even have to do with how

much she thinks you are worth caring about.  It has to do with how much she is

capable of caring.  She is broken in that way.  Her care-parts just don't work

right.

>

> Best,

> Ashana

>

>

> Share files, take polls, and make new friends - all under one roof. Go

to http://in.promos.yahoo.com/groups/

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I guess I should clarify that I wasn't really serious about the

multiples (but maybe there are multiples-lite). The conversation I had

with nada was quite a while ago - when I was still dumb enough to fall

again for her " just tell me what I've done " question. I was just trying

to get her to see that she comes across in so many ways and they are

like completely different people - that she will say or do something and

then act like she doesn't remember it - that she is damned difficult to

deal with.... I think the ridiculously dramatic responses to little

things, and then the complete lack of response to huge things fits with

the " emotional dysregulation " that's such a big part of PD. Their

emotional response rarely fits the situation - it is truly bizarre. A

lot of the times I've also noted that nada's reactions to things are

delayed. It's like she needs extra time to process emotions - and then

comes at me with them much after the fact - and I'll be thinking WTF?

Anyway, her " Oh. Really? " response was a " does not compute " kind of

answer. The one time not long ago that I actually told her she was

mentally ill - it was a similar response at first. Then she spent quite

a long time trying to convince me why she wasn't - " I would think my

doctor would tell me if I was " - then weird questions like " Did you feel

this way when you did so and so for me? " Yep. I let her rant on

because I was recording the conversation (another story).

To the nadas - everything is real (even their complete fabrications and

projections) - they totally believe their own distortions and that's why

they are so convincing to the unenlightened. To us, they are totally

unreal.

Suzy

P.S. I just want to say that I hope you are feeling okay and that you

will be okay both emotionally and with your medical issues. Take care.

climberkayak wrote:

>

>

>

> > All the different faces and nada's convenient memory

> > " lapses " sometimes had me wondering if she wasn't in fact a multiple

> > personality. I think I even said as much to her once - and her

> > response: " Oh. Really? " It's all real - real sick, that is.

> >

> > Suzy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Nada doesn't remember me having surgery even though she made my life living hell

during that time. She saw my scar one day and asked me where I got it. I just

looked at her. I was so taken aback that she didn't remember.

Abby

> > All the different faces and nada's convenient memory

> > " lapses " sometimes had me wondering if she wasn't in fact a multiple

> > personality. I think I even said as much to her once - and her

> > response: " Oh. Really? " It's all real - real sick, that is.

> >

> > Suzy

> >

>

> Suzy, the big memory lapses have made me wonder as well. She doesn't remember

many significant events from my childhood. In more recent times she doesn't

remember me having an MRI for a suspected brain tumor. You'd think a mother

would remember something like that...a mother who was paying attention, a mother

whose concern at the time was genuine. What did you make of the " Oh. Really? "

? I would be confuzzled by that.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The whole issue of memory RE nadas is very interesting to me. My nada's memory

is getting quite spotty, but then she is in her 80's. But even in her younger

years her memories seemed to be different from those around her who experienced

the same events.

She used to share stories of her childhood with us, a lot of which involved

neglect of herself by her mother and physical abuse of herself and her sibs by

their father. My Sister and I found out recently that our nada's two sisters

(one 2 years older, one 2 years younger) do not corroborate nada's memories of

abuse or neglect; they are bewildered by nada's claims.

Although in earlier years nada would from time to time beg for reassurance that

she had been a good mother, saying she thought she hadn't been a good one, she

now claims that she never physically abused us in any way and that we are crazy.

Sister and I also learned recently that our nada is now claiming that our dad

physically abused *her.* Sister and I are astonished by that claim as our

memories of our parents' frequent verbal battles never included any physical

abuse by dad. If their arguments got really heated, he'd leave the house. Then,

too often, nada would come find us and scream at and batter us if we were stupid

enough to hang around the house.

My nada has no memories of the weeks surrounding our dad's death and burial,

although at the time she seemed to be functioning quite well, although strangely

calm and focused. She knows that he died, that we had a funeral for him, etc.,

but she retains no details of any of it.

There was a research study done on the brains of those with bpd, in which bpds

were paired with non-bpds to play a game that involved giving items back and

forth. Their brains were wired up to 3-D MRI scanners. Both the non-bpds and

the bpds brains lit up in the same areas when they were giving items, but only

the non-bpds brains lit up when they were receiving items. The bpd's brains

were not able to process the information (on some level) that they were

receiving anything!

Here's the link to that article on the study:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/08/080807144305.htm

I think that is a highly significant piece of information showing that bpd

brains are physically malfunctioning; they are not able to perceive reality

correctly, or they misinterpret reality, which would naturally affect their

memory.

I also think that if bpds have " no emotional skin " and even moderate emotions

seem overwhelming to them, they probably dissociate frequently. That would mean

they'd not retain any memories during a dissociative episode.

-Annie

> > > All the different faces and nada's convenient memory

> > > " lapses " sometimes had me wondering if she wasn't in fact a multiple

> > > personality. I think I even said as much to her once - and her

> > > response: " Oh. Really? " It's all real - real sick, that is.

> > >

> > > Suzy

> > >

> >

> > Suzy, the big memory lapses have made me wonder as well. She doesn't

remember many significant events from my childhood. In more recent times she

doesn't remember me having an MRI for a suspected brain tumor. You'd think a

mother would remember something like that...a mother who was paying attention, a

mother whose concern at the time was genuine. What did you make of the " Oh.

Really? " ? I would be confuzzled by that.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Abby, that's amazing and awful! To forget an entire surgery event? That just

shows how very wrong things are inside her head. Sometimes I get focused on

the distressing personality sides of BP but stuff like this shows it is a mental

illness...their brains just don't work right.

> > > All the different faces and nada's convenient memory

> > > " lapses " sometimes had me wondering if she wasn't in fact a multiple

> > > personality. I think I even said as much to her once - and her

> > > response: " Oh. Really? " It's all real - real sick, that is.

> > >

> > > Suzy

> > >

> >

> > Suzy, the big memory lapses have made me wonder as well. She doesn't

remember many significant events from my childhood. In more recent times she

doesn't remember me having an MRI for a suspected brain tumor. You'd think a

mother would remember something like that...a mother who was paying attention, a

mother whose concern at the time was genuine. What did you make of the " Oh.

Really? " ? I would be confuzzled by that.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've learned never to share my personal problems or issues with nada. Whenever

I shared a health problem all she ever said was: what did you do to cause that?

My partner developed multiple sclerosis and my mother gave her the same

business. She was completely insensitive to the painful emotional process it is

to be diagnosed with a progressive, incurable illness. My nada, on the other

hand, was a complete hypochondriac about all kinds of things she didn't have,

and in complete denial about the things she did have (High blood pressure,

congestive heart failure, etc).

I learned a long time ago that my nada was not a place I could ever go for any

kind of emotional support and if I wanted or needed that I had to get it from my

partner, my sister or my friends. It was hard enough to deal with my own issues

without having nada invalidate my feelings or fears or blame me for being the

cause of whatever the " it " might be.

You do have a right to keep your health issues private and do not have to share

them with her.

Jaye

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've learned never to share my personal problems or issues with nada. Whenever

I shared a health problem all she ever said was: what did you do to cause that?

My partner developed multiple sclerosis and my mother gave her the same

business. She was completely insensitive to the painful emotional process it is

to be diagnosed with a progressive, incurable illness. My nada, on the other

hand, was a complete hypochondriac about all kinds of things she didn't have,

and in complete denial about the things she did have (High blood pressure,

congestive heart failure, etc).

I learned a long time ago that my nada was not a place I could ever go for any

kind of emotional support and if I wanted or needed that I had to get it from my

partner, my sister or my friends. It was hard enough to deal with my own issues

without having nada invalidate my feelings or fears or blame me for being the

cause of whatever the " it " might be.

You do have a right to keep your health issues private and do not have to share

them with her.

Jaye

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I am,

what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and then, and

this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who gives a damn.

The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real and I may let my

guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk to her she doesn't

care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of concern with all the

emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me want to scream " You're

LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when someone is acting concerned

for your health... All of this messes with my mind so much and I wish I'd

never told her word one about the whole crisis, but I really needed to know some

genetic history from her for my doctor. Let's just say next crisis I have I'm

telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada always thinks I'm lying when I have any medical issues. So I

never tell her what's going on anymore.

For years, being a woman, I had a lot of issues with my cycles. She

would say, " Get over it, it's part of being a woman. Just deal with

it " (In a nasty tone of voice). Unfortunately at that time, my GYN

also believed the same thing.

Finally after years of suffering, I got to a point where I couldn't

stand up straight due to pain. My husband took me to the ER. And

though nothing was showing up on ultrasounds & what-not, the doctors

there thought it was probably my apendix. So they did surgery. The

apendix was fine (though they removed it anyway).

I had to stay in the hospital a couple of days, and my husband had

called my nada as soon as he learned they were admitting me. So she

was there after the surgery and heard the doctor say " well her apendix

was just fine, but we removed it anyway " .

Well, that obviously didn't fix the pain I was having, so I found a

new GYN. He wanted to do exploratory surgery because he suspected

Endomitriosis. We scheduled the surgery & I called nada to tell her.

What happened? Oh, I got berated! " You're lying, you're just doing

this for attention " Well, I didn't get berated until AFTER I had told

her the day, time & location of the surgery. So before I hung up the

phone I told her not to bother showing up.

The day of the surgery, she didn't show up until after I was all ready

in surgery. I had told the staff that if she did show up, they

weren't to tell her a thing. Well, the doctor forgot, heh. But, they

did discover that I do in fact have endomitriosis and a ton of scar

tissue as well (also caused by the endo).

Surgery for that was outpatient, and when they were wheeling me out I

saw my nada there, all in tears because something was wrong with her

baby. (whatever!).

Amazingly enough though, a few years after that experience, she did

appologise to me for not believing me about the pain. It just went in

one ear & out the other because I don't know how to handle it when my

nada acts human.

I've had 3 surgeries in total for the endo. Last time, I didn't even

tell her. It's all out patient and a fairly quick recovery time, so,

I didn't even bother going through the drama with her.

Justi

>

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

> worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

> this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

> Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

> latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

> at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I

> am, what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and

> then, and this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who

> gives a damn. The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real

> and I may let my guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk

> to her she doesn't care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of

> concern with all the emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me

> want to scream " You're LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when

> someone is acting concerned for your health... All of this messes with my

> mind so much and I wish I'd never told her word one about the whole crisis,

> but I really needed to know some genetic history from her for my doctor.

> Let's just say next crisis I have I'm telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

> displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

> from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada always thinks I'm lying when I have any medical issues. So I

never tell her what's going on anymore.

For years, being a woman, I had a lot of issues with my cycles. She

would say, " Get over it, it's part of being a woman. Just deal with

it " (In a nasty tone of voice). Unfortunately at that time, my GYN

also believed the same thing.

Finally after years of suffering, I got to a point where I couldn't

stand up straight due to pain. My husband took me to the ER. And

though nothing was showing up on ultrasounds & what-not, the doctors

there thought it was probably my apendix. So they did surgery. The

apendix was fine (though they removed it anyway).

I had to stay in the hospital a couple of days, and my husband had

called my nada as soon as he learned they were admitting me. So she

was there after the surgery and heard the doctor say " well her apendix

was just fine, but we removed it anyway " .

Well, that obviously didn't fix the pain I was having, so I found a

new GYN. He wanted to do exploratory surgery because he suspected

Endomitriosis. We scheduled the surgery & I called nada to tell her.

What happened? Oh, I got berated! " You're lying, you're just doing

this for attention " Well, I didn't get berated until AFTER I had told

her the day, time & location of the surgery. So before I hung up the

phone I told her not to bother showing up.

The day of the surgery, she didn't show up until after I was all ready

in surgery. I had told the staff that if she did show up, they

weren't to tell her a thing. Well, the doctor forgot, heh. But, they

did discover that I do in fact have endomitriosis and a ton of scar

tissue as well (also caused by the endo).

Surgery for that was outpatient, and when they were wheeling me out I

saw my nada there, all in tears because something was wrong with her

baby. (whatever!).

Amazingly enough though, a few years after that experience, she did

appologise to me for not believing me about the pain. It just went in

one ear & out the other because I don't know how to handle it when my

nada acts human.

I've had 3 surgeries in total for the endo. Last time, I didn't even

tell her. It's all out patient and a fairly quick recovery time, so,

I didn't even bother going through the drama with her.

Justi

>

>

> So lately I've been going through a bit of medical stress getting tests and

> worry - it's looking like I'll be okay but it has been a scary time. During

> this time it's as if my mother is auditioning for the Three Faces of Eve.

> Sometimes she acts like she could care less and changes the subject to the

> latest antics of her cat. Sometimes she'll act totally uninterested and then

> at the end of the phone conversation suddenly want to know all about how I

> am, what's going, what test is next with great intensity. Every now and

> then, and this is the worst part, she'll actually act like a mother who

> gives a damn. The third part is the worst because I so want it to be real

> and I may let my guard down just to get devastated when the next time I talk

> to her she doesn't care again. Then there's the saying of caring words of

> concern with all the emotion of a bad actor reading a script which makes me

> want to scream " You're LYING! " but that would be a rude thing to say when

> someone is acting concerned for your health... All of this messes with my

> mind so much and I wish I'd never told her word one about the whole crisis,

> but I really needed to know some genetic history from her for my doctor.

> Let's just say next crisis I have I'm telling as little as humanly possible.

>

> So anybody else have a nada that acts like this? Do you just discount the

> displays of caring as completely fake? How do you protect your inner child

> from feeling jerked around like a puppet on a string?

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

>