Re: Fleas are eating me alive

[Guest guest]

welcome Sara Jo...you are not becoming BPD...it's something they were born

with, and shows up in teen or every early adulthood at the latest. What I

suspect you are going through it a part of the greiving process..you are

grieving the loss of a childhood you now realize you never got, a loving

caring family you never got, ...most of us go through this...I got " stuck "

in the anger phase too, and went to a therapist for 6 sessions who helped me

understand where I was and were I was going :-0

Jackie

So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months now.

I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those things shouldn't

be there. I have a great life. My job is good, I have a wonderful home, and

a loving husband. I am starting to hate myself because I am so self aware,

and I realize how much I've been acting like my nada.

Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and was trying to

do something special for me. But the entire time all I could think about was

the mess he was making in the kitchen, and how I could do better than him

because I'm not as messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew while

I was thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that way? I

did graciously thank him for dinner and of course did not say anyything bad

to him, but I hated so much to think those things and feel that way while I

knew my husband was trying to be nice.

Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been trying to deal

with lately.

I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a lot of things.

I have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into a terrible person. I worry

that these aren't just fleas, I worry that I am becoming BPD or something

else, even though I have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of

behavior.

I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a really nice

time. But I am still tired, still emotionally exhausted.

I wonder what I should do.

DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this something that us

KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I should try and get help? My

therapist moved away and I'm not sure I can afford to go to another one.

My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to feel whole and

happy again.

~Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

First of all, I recommend getting a complete physical. Sometimes we're just low

on energy and coping skills and emotional stamina because we're run down

physically. Getting a workup from your regular doctor is a good place to start.

Second, it could be hormonal. I don't know your age, but if you are in

peri-menopause or menopause, the raging hormone roller-coaster can wreak havoc

on emotional stability.

Third, it might be a good idea to see a therapist if at all possible because all

the things you mentioned that are annoying you seem to revolve around your

husband. Maybe you have some unconscious or repressed anger at him that you're

not aware of and yet holding it in is making you tired and easily irritated.

I know that I'm so much less able to cope with stress when I'm run down, anemic,

not sleeping well, and/or under a lot of tight deadlines, so, there's a lot of

possible reasons you're feeling unsettled and irritable just now. I think that

if you tackle the possible reasons one at a time, you'll eventually wind up with

the answers.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months now.

> I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those things shouldn't be

there. I have a great life. My job is good, I have a wonderful home, and a

loving husband. I am starting to hate myself because I am so self aware, and I

realize how much I've been acting like my nada.

> Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and was trying to do

something special for me. But the entire time all I could think about was the

mess he was making in the kitchen, and how I could do better than him because

I'm not as messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew while I was

thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that way? I did

graciously thank him for dinner and of course did not say anyything bad to him,

but I hated so much to think those things and feel that way while I knew my

husband was trying to be nice.

> Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been trying to deal

with lately.

> I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a lot of things. I

have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into a terrible person. I worry that

these aren't just fleas, I worry that I am becoming BPD or something else, even

though I have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of behavior.

> I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a really nice time.

But I am still tired, still emotionally exhausted.

> I wonder what I should do.

>

> DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this something that us

KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I should try and get help? My

therapist moved away and I'm not sure I can afford to go to another one.

> My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to feel whole and

happy again.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

So sorry for your frustration and sadness. I say you are not BPD becs you ARE

self aware and you CHOSE to treat your husband with love and not attack him.

Good for you. It sounds to me as if you are describing some classic symptoms of

depression. If you have insurance, you can talk to your primary care dr about

it, and/or whether or not you have insurance, try your local county mental

health center. They can offer, or maybe refer you to, sliding scale fees for

some counseling help. I only say this becs I've walked in your shoes. I started

an antidepressant a couple of months ago. I fought it for well over a year and

now I wonder why. I was worried I'd feel *nothing*, but that's not the case at

all. It has helped with the anger and frustration and resentment. I am still in

process, but I can identify with the symptoms you mentioned. Just some thoughts

for you to consider. I don't think depression is AT ALL uncommon for KOs...

Take good care,

[Guest guest]

Great advice, Annie - check out all the possibilities. I did have a whole gamut

of bloodwork done before I started on an antidepressant to make sure it wasn't

thyroid, hormones, etc. Diet, exercise, good rest - all are important. I just

found that the depression kept me from doing those things ... and from even

caring about them. Please keep uos posted Sara Jo.

[Guest guest]

Occasionally being in a bad mood where nothing satisfies you is

normal. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for

feeling that way one night. If you've been feeling resentful

towards your husband for two months, that's a problem. However

long it has been going on, the fact that you didn't tell him you

felt that way and questioned why you felt that way shows that

you're not actually acting like your nada. She would have made

it clear that he wasn't doing things well enough for her,

wouldn't she? Instead you thanked him and kept the feelings that

you knew were unfair to yourself. Nothing here says that you're

becoming BPD. Besides, I don't think people become BPD as

adults. I think that happens much earlier, whether it is

recognized or not. Like a couple others have mentioned, I think

what might be happening is depression and/or a hormonal problem

of some sort. You mention being tired. Are you actually getting

a reasonable amount of sleep? You might be genuinely exhausted,

which can wreak havoc with your hormones and mental health.

At 02:07 PM 05/21/2009 Sara Jo wrote:

>So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months

>now.

>I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those

>things shouldn't be there. I have a great life. My job is good,

>I have a wonderful home, and a loving husband. I am starting to

>hate myself because I am so self aware, and I realize how much

>I've been acting like my nada.

>Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and

>was trying to do something special for me. But the entire time

>all I could think about was the mess he was making in the

>kitchen, and how I could do better than him because I'm not as

>messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew while I was

>thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that

>way? I did graciously thank him for dinner and of course did

>not say anyything bad to him, but I hated so much to think

>those things and feel that way while I knew my husband was

>trying to be nice.

>Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been

>trying to deal with lately.

>I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a

>lot of things. I have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into

>a terrible person. I worry that these aren't just fleas, I

>worry that I am becoming BPD or something else, even though I

>have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of behavior.

>I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a

>really nice time. But I am still tired, still emotionally

>exhausted.

>I wonder what I should do.

>

>DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this

>something that us KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I

>should try and get help? My therapist moved away and I'm not

>sure I can afford to go to another one.

>My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to

>feel whole and happy again.

>~Sara Jo

>

>

>

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> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

Yes, I go through the same thing and the same range of emotions at times. Hubby

is a good cook, but messy and instead of appreciating his cooking, I often focus

on the mess he's made and get angry that I am the one who will have to clean it

up. Or, I'll see the negative in something - instead of noticing how beautiful

my new bathroom looks, all I obsess about the dust, dirt and how long it is

taking. I've been working on not being critical of him, other people and of me.

I call it 'not judging myself or others through nada's eyes. " It's not easy to

retrain the brain.

Doing the work to move forward is exhausting - mentally and physically. It can

leave you feeling sad, angry, depressed or a shopping list of other emotions.

Please don't hate yourself. If your nada was anything like mine. She taught you

to hate yourself and it's wrong. Look at the fleas as an opportunity to learn

and make changes. I do things nada did and I stop myself, make a mental note

" don't be like nada " and keep going. I also find myself saying things she says.

I do the same thing. I have 35 years of reprogramming to do. I can't do it

overnight. It takes time.

The anger, sadness, lack of motivation and exhaustion may also be symptoms of

depression. You may want to check with a health care provider.

It will get better.

Abby

>

> So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months now.

> I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those things shouldn't be

there. I have a great life. My job is good, I have a wonderful home, and a

loving husband. I am starting to hate myself because I am so self aware, and I

realize how much I've been acting like my nada.

> Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and was trying to do

something special for me. But the entire time all I could think about was the

mess he was making in the kitchen, and how I could do better than him because

I'm not as messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew while I was

thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that way? I did

graciously thank him for dinner and of course did not say anyything bad to him,

but I hated so much to think those things and feel that way while I knew my

husband was trying to be nice.

> Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been trying to deal

with lately.

> I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a lot of things. I

have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into a terrible person. I worry that

these aren't just fleas, I worry that I am becoming BPD or something else, even

though I have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of behavior.

> I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a really nice time.

But I am still tired, still emotionally exhausted.

> I wonder what I should do.

>

> DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this something that us

KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I should try and get help? My

therapist moved away and I'm not sure I can afford to go to another one.

> My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to feel whole and

happy again.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

I don't know what's really bothering you, but we know it's not really your

husband making you a special dinner.  I think we can also be pretty sure it's

not late-onset bpd.

I think a new therapist is a good idea.  This is why:

Inability to enjoy things you normally enjoy

Diminished motivation

Irritability

Sadness

Sense of your mind being a jumble

It sounds like you could be getting depressed.  Or maybe nada memories are

demanding some emotional attention.  Either way, it sounds like it's time to

consult an expert.

Hope you feel better soon,

Ashana

Own a website.Get an unlimited package.Pay next to nothing.*Go to

http://in.business.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo

I too had symptoms of depression and dreaded that I would become like my mother,

and for me it is the grieving and that sense of being so alone. I think the

things that have helped me have been the process of counselling with someone who

is understanding, fun times with friends as well as doing the more depression

related things like exercising and doing 10-15min of relaxation to music every

day.

I think that longing is a deep river we connect with sometimes and it's very

normal for us who had nadas.

>

> welcome Sara Jo...you are not becoming BPD...it's something they were born

> with, and shows up in teen or every early adulthood at the latest. What I

> suspect you are going through it a part of the greiving process..you are

> grieving the loss of a childhood you now realize you never got, a loving

> caring family you never got, ...most of us go through this...I got " stuck "

> in the anger phase too, and went to a therapist for 6 sessions who helped me

> understand where I was and were I was going :-0

>

> Jackie

>

> So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months now.

> I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those things shouldn't

> be there. I have a great life. My job is good, I have a wonderful home, and

> a loving husband. I am starting to hate myself because I am so self aware,

> and I realize how much I've been acting like my nada.

> Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and was trying to

> do something special for me. But the entire time all I could think about was

> the mess he was making in the kitchen, and how I could do better than him

> because I'm not as messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew while

> I was thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that way? I

> did graciously thank him for dinner and of course did not say anyything bad

> to him, but I hated so much to think those things and feel that way while I

> knew my husband was trying to be nice.

> Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been trying to deal

> with lately.

> I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a lot of things.

> I have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into a terrible person. I worry

> that these aren't just fleas, I worry that I am becoming BPD or something

> else, even though I have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of

> behavior.

> I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a really nice

> time. But I am still tired, still emotionally exhausted.

> I wonder what I should do.

>

> DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this something that us

> KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I should try and get help? My

> therapist moved away and I'm not sure I can afford to go to another one.

> My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to feel whole and

> happy again.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Everyone, thank your for your kind words of encouragement.

Yeah, I think I am depressed. It obviously runs in my family, and I think that's

what is wrong with me. Because for the first time in my life I've been living

for myself, not for someone else (NADA). Now that I am actually embracing my own

feelings and emotions, I am really starting to feel it all.

I go through daily periods of sadness, and laziness (not motivated) and then I

make my self do something I don't feel like doing, then I feel better, lol. I am

starting a new hobby of gardening, planting things. I am going to try to take a

healthy approach at getting myself out of this before i consider medication.

(Nothing wrong with medication, by why not try to avoid it first, right?).

I am also planning on scheduling a physical to have my thyroid checked.

Another thing, I think I just need to stop thinking about NADA for a while, ya

know?

Thank again everyone. I love this group.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > welcome Sara Jo...you are not becoming BPD...it's something they were born

> > with, and shows up in teen or every early adulthood at the latest. What I

> > suspect you are going through it a part of the greiving process..you are

> > grieving the loss of a childhood you now realize you never got, a loving

> > caring family you never got, ...most of us go through this...I got " stuck "

> > in the anger phase too, and went to a therapist for 6 sessions who helped me

> > understand where I was and were I was going :-0

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months now.

> > I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those things shouldn't

> > be there. I have a great life. My job is good, I have a wonderful home, and

> > a loving husband. I am starting to hate myself because I am so self aware,

> > and I realize how much I've been acting like my nada.

> > Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and was trying to

> > do something special for me. But the entire time all I could think about was

> > the mess he was making in the kitchen, and how I could do better than him

> > because I'm not as messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew while

> > I was thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that way? I

> > did graciously thank him for dinner and of course did not say anyything bad

> > to him, but I hated so much to think those things and feel that way while I

> > knew my husband was trying to be nice.

> > Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been trying to deal

> > with lately.

> > I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a lot of things.

> > I have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into a terrible person. I worry

> > that these aren't just fleas, I worry that I am becoming BPD or something

> > else, even though I have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of

> > behavior.

> > I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a really nice

> > time. But I am still tired, still emotionally exhausted.

> > I wonder what I should do.

> >

> > DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this something that us

> > KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I should try and get help? My

> > therapist moved away and I'm not sure I can afford to go to another one.

> > My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to feel whole and

> > happy again.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

Depression is not " wrong with you " , it simply is. It's a matter of brain

chemistry, so please don't take it personally. I know I have struggled - still

do- in thinking it is indicative of a personal defect or flaw or (gasp) weakness

(!!!) on my part (the fleas are swarming! Anything less than perfection is NOT

allowed!). My head knows better but my heart still struggles to believe it. I

hope the colorful flowers and time in the dirt is rejuvenating and refreshing

for you. You deserve it! I'm so glad you're going to get some blood work done to

rule out any other possible causes - very wise move.

Another thought is that you might actually NEED to think about nada and all the

loss you have experienced in order to work your way thru this. The definition of

depression I've heard as unresolved grief and/or anger ~ KOs certainly get their

share of that. I found great freedom in finally letting the guard down and

letting all the grief of the past few years wash over me. (My husband's illness

and death, my dtr diagnosed bpd and she is away in residential care, money

worries/unemployment, single parenthood again, exhusband who just makes my life

challenging, realizing I was raised by mentally impaired people, etc.) I can't

say I'm 'through' it, but I am trying to direct my heart and energies toward

dealing with it vs. always rebuilding the wall to keep it all out. Make sense?

Oh well, just my thoughts to take or leave. You will find what works well for

you. And there are *definitely* seasons for such things. Yes, sometimes those

thoughts and memories need to be boxed up for a while and taken out later to be

sorted through when the time is more appropriate to do that.

Hope you get some good garden time in this weekend!

Take care,

2

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

Welcome and looks like you are in the right place.

In another group I belong to we call this the RIDs - restless, irritable and

discontented. I think the other posters are correct - you are grieving the loss

of the childhood you didnt have and trying to find your way. Just one thing

about the medication - I worked for years without it and dealt with bouts of

anxiety, then depression, then normal, then anxiety, then depression, then

normal. I simply got tired of the roller coaster that didn't really seem to

have anything to do with what was going on around me. There were days I faced

real challenges and rose to the occasion with no problem. Other days when a

small issue seemed throw me into appoplexy.(sp?). Also the anxiety over nothing

and the feelings of total failure when I was clearly having success that made me

go for the medication. I just got tired of trying for a more even keel in my

life but not being able to get there. I tried for 10 years and I should have

gone for the medication sooner. I was very lucky and found the right medication

quickly and have now been on it for about 10 years. I only wish it had been

available when I was a teenager, a young adult, etc, cause I might have made

some very different choices in life. I would have been thinking with a clear

head instead of the muddle left by my rearing by nada/fada. Just some food for

thought about medication.

Best wishes and hang in there,

Jaye

> > >

> > > welcome Sara Jo...you are not becoming BPD...it's something they were born

> > > with, and shows up in teen or every early adulthood at the latest. What I

> > > suspect you are going through it a part of the greiving process..you are

> > > grieving the loss of a childhood you now realize you never got, a loving

> > > caring family you never got, ...most of us go through this...I got " stuck "

> > > in the anger phase too, and went to a therapist for 6 sessions who helped

me

> > > understand where I was and were I was going :-0

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > > So I'm kind of in a slump lately. Been going on about 2 months now.

> > > I have been full of anger and resentment, and I know those things

shouldn't

> > > be there. I have a great life. My job is good, I have a wonderful home,

and

> > > a loving husband. I am starting to hate myself because I am so self aware,

> > > and I realize how much I've been acting like my nada.

> > > Last night, my husband made dinner. He doesn't cook much, and was trying

to

> > > do something special for me. But the entire time all I could think about

was

> > > the mess he was making in the kitchen, and how I could do better than him

> > > because I'm not as messy as he was. I didn't dare say anything. I knew

while

> > > I was thinking these things that it was bad....why would i feel that way?

I

> > > did graciously thank him for dinner and of course did not say anyything

bad

> > > to him, but I hated so much to think those things and feel that way while

I

> > > knew my husband was trying to be nice.

> > > Basically this is a little bit of a LOT of things I've been trying to deal

> > > with lately.

> > > I have been sad, and angry. I'm losing motivation at doing a lot of

things.

> > > I have no patience. I feel like I'm turning into a terrible person. I

worry

> > > that these aren't just fleas, I worry that I am becoming BPD or something

> > > else, even though I have been trying so hard to avoid that kind of

> > > behavior.

> > > I just got back from a vacation with my husband and we had a really nice

> > > time. But I am still tired, still emotionally exhausted.

> > > I wonder what I should do.

> > >

> > > DO any of you guys go through periods like this? Is this something that us

> > > KO's have to deal with sometimes? Or maybe I should try and get help? My

> > > therapist moved away and I'm not sure I can afford to go to another one.

> > > My mind is a jumble like a 1 million peice puzzle. I want to feel whole

and

> > > happy again.

> > > ~Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>